I need honest opinions!!
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| Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:47pm |
Honest feedback from you ladies and any men would be sooo appreciated! :)
I am fairly new to these posts, some of you may remember me, and have posted a question here once with great feedback. I hope I get honest, good feedback to something I am very confused about. Sorry, this is long but I appreciate the time and feedback!!!
I know this may sound naive but I really need opinions!! I am in my early 30's and consider myself intelligent and well rounded but very naive about men in general. I was married to my HS sweetheart at a very early age and he was the one and only serious man in my life. Also I was the "old fashioned nice girl". That has ended and now I am trying very hard to find my place again at a much older age with vertually no experience. That sets my background so you understand where I am coming from.
Here is my senerio:
A year and a half ago I met a guy who I knew instantly would have some kind of meaning to me. We became friends almost instantly and we stayed friends for over a year. He found out from overhearing a conversation that I was getting seperated. After another 5 or 6 months he started flirting and at first I pushed him away, making jokes out of it. Our friendship in the mean time grew and he opened up a lot to me about his past and a pretty hard life he grew up around. I listened and supported him as he did me. He would go out of his way to make sure I was taking care of myself. He made it his personal quest to make me sleep better because I have insomnia due to my split and situation and an ulser. He insisted that I see a "shrink" or he would drag me there himself. He told me I was the nicest person he knew and the I was "too good for this world". We became good friends and I trusted him. Eventually our friendship went farther. He has had trouble attaching to people but had no problem telling me about things he's been through. Niether one of us needed to get into anything serious. It's not good for me at this point, too soon since my split. Anyway I made it clear to him that I didn't want to ruin a friendship. He said he had trouble attaching even though he said he was faithful to his ex and the ex before that. He also states that he wants children someday and says I am a great mom and he adores it when I talk about my kids. He asks me to send all the photos that I send to family and friends of my kids and loves to hear them laugh in the background when I am on the phone with him. I guess, as his friend I want him to open up and fall for someone in his life even if it's not me. It's what he really needs but is afraid of. I also need to mention that he states that he can't be caged...he can't stand that feeling and admits that it comes from his childhood and a girl who broke his heart once. He says he can't get attached and that he is "bad" but when I told him that he wasn't a "bad boy" he was just a nice guy hiding behind a bad boy image he said, "yeah, you're probably right". But he says that he was faithful to his ex and his ex before her...why does he insinuate that he is a player but is faithful and never has one night stands?? It doesn't make sense to me?! Everything he says is a contradiction??
That being said here is what happened:
He sat me down and asked me what expectations I had for us. I told him none at this point and that I couldn't get into anything serious, that it would be dumb to do that at this point. Again I told him that I didn't want to lose a friendship and that he would matter to me no matter what. He said that he never makes promises but he made me promise that we would be friends no matter what and that his friendship would always be there. He also said that he thought I may have been uncomfortable with the situation and told me that I could stop it anytime.
I let what he said sink in and then e-mailed him later that day that I needed to talk. I wanted to tell him that he mattered too much and that I was just not cut out to be able to seperate the two. Well, he called the next night on the 4th of July to tell me that he was home alone watching tv. I was with friends so he quickly got off the phone but I got the feeling he called to talk. After that he never brought up the subject again? He calls and/or e-mails and we are still friendly but it's not the same. He says he has been so busy but he never asks to see me anymore and contacts me less. Why did he pull away like that?? He said he couldn't commit and had trouble with that but pursued me anyway knowing that I was a "nice" girl and had never known anyone but my ex and him. He still asks how I am but I feel like I lost a friend?? Did I scare him?? Why did he act like this?? Help with some insight guys.
Thank you,in advance!!
katlc

I think it was very smart of you not to take the bait, and that you are not as naïve as you might think. If he really was a true friend, he would not bait you with promises of “friendship no matter what” and then play the disappearing act after you said “no thanks.” If I were you, I would just let this one drift off into the sunset and find yourself a true friend you can count on no matter what.
I got another response on another post with the same question from a male, he thought that this guy truely cared and pulled back because of that? Whatever the reason, and I may never know, I learned a lesson.
Thanks again,
katlc
While it's possible that he DOES care about you, if he is still contacting you and checking to see how you are doing, etc... I think it's very important for you to stick by your decision not to get sexually or romantically involved with him right now. You both have to deal with bigger issues right now - your messy break up, and his inability to committ or be "caged". Neither of you are prime for a relationship right now.
Take some time to clean up your messy situation, take some time for yourself, time to heal, discover who you are on your own. He needs time to mature and discover what he really wants in a relationship and if he really wants to be a part of one.
Maybe someday in the future you can pursue something together, but right now, in my opinion, you would just end up getting hurt.
good luck!
I totally agree and that is what I have done. I am focusing on me and fixing that. We are still friends and he checks on me. I would only get involved in the distant future if both of us were in totally different places than we are now but I thank you so much for your input because it just reaffirms no matter how he or I feel that I am doing the smart and right thing. :o)
katlc
The point of my post is this........run away from any man who has relationship issues like that. You are a nice girl and you can find a decent man who has his act together. Look for a man who is stable, emotionally and financially. Some guy like that will love you. I think as single moms we think we have to settle in someway. And, in fact, many loser type guys are attracted to us because they think we will put up with their crap. ***WRONG*** It would be better to be single than tied up to a loser.
katlc