Friends with Girl
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| Mon, 08-02-2004 - 4:49pm |
I get so jealous over this. One thing, what is going on in her life, what thought process did she go through to just after 10 yrs try to find him. What was she hoping to gain? Once she knew he was in a long term relationship, why is she still contact him. She called on hsi cell phone the other day and I decided to pick it up, thinking it was work. It was her and she didn't even bother to introduce herself to me. Just acted very nervous. I handled it very badly. I yelled out "your girlfriend" called. I finally calmed down and started to think rationale. I asked my SO taht I was going to call her and find out what she was hoping to gain. He has told me not to feel threatened by her, that he doesn't have any feelings for her. He said I could call if I wanted and it didn't bother him one way or another. I know without a doubt my SOs faithfulness and his love for me.
When you muddy the waters with sex, should you remain friends? He answered this question with undeniable No. He claims he never had sex with her, I truly do doubt that - really it doesn't bother me if he did or didn't it was way before me. But I believe her intentions were not Kosher when she contacted him and she should leave him alon. Also, I believe that if you did have a sexual relationship with someone, that emails, phone calls just leads to sexual inuendos, teasing, comments that inappropriate - this is why I think there shouldn't be a friendship.
I still want to call her, and I believe I will. Not that I will be mean, but just go along the lines of her reason for going through the trouble of locating him and calling him. What do you all think I should do? If you were in my shoes would you call?
I know I'm jealous. I feel like a lioness protecting her territory and she is a threat. LOL I don't let very many things bother me, but this one is just urking me like there is no tomorrow. Thank you.

I don't
Kim
It depends. My DH had a female friend he took to a function (she used to date a good friend of his so this makes it interesting.) They got drunk and had sex one night. Never happened again, but their friendship wasn't ruined by it and they both admit it was a mistake and they didn't have any intentions of that happening. This was before I became exclusinve with him. I'm now even friends with her and she knows that I know about their night together and that I'm okay with that. It's not uncomfortable and she knows that I am aware it was all about the alcohol they consumed and shouldn't feel bad because I wasn't with him then anyway.
This girl was years ago. Let is go. Let her embarass herself.
"...really it doesn't bother me if he did or didn't it was way before me."
This is the best attitude. But just let your SO know how you feel about her calling and that you'd rather her not. Or tell him to please stop answering the phone when she calls so maybe she will get the hint. If he respects you, he will handle it. But you should stay out of that and let him do it.
She will just keep calling if you call her and do the dirty work.
Mel
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What happened in our situation is that he watched this Dr. Phil episode where this guy is carrying on with someone. Bottom line is that even when I was saying that it made me uncomfortable, it took watching someone else's pain to realize that he wasn't putting our relationship first and hurting me.
But there is a lot of resentment on his part about having to give up communicating to her. I never asked him to give her up, but I was very vocal about how uncomfortable I was. This was his first love, his first lover and they had a very intense relationship.
This summer at his dad's home, I saw a picture of them in their pimply teenage glory and cracked up that this woman had caused so much anxiety in me. Now I can care less that he write to her, but there's still some resentment on his part about me 'dictating' with whome he can and can't be friends.
I correspond with my best friend from college. He's a guy, but we absolutely never dated..never kissed and we never flirt via email. I still think his wife would be jealous of me though. I don't think she'd ever believe that we are 100% platonic friends.
In your case, I wouldn't like it. She hunted him down via the internet. I've known a lot of women who have done this and it has solely been for the purpose of starting something with an old flame. I wouldn't call her if I were you. She doesn't care that he has a girlfriend. I'd tell your guy to make some distance from this chick and if he's not willing to do that. I'd be leary of him. I wouldn't harrass him to stop talking to her, but I'd let him know how uncomfortable you feel about the whole thing.
I was set to call her late last night, but after speaking with my sister I've decided not to. I think that he needs to handle this in his own way. He needs to tell her to get lost. He feels she is lonely and is trying find friends, probably is so considering she is around 38, and has custody of 2 teenage nephews. I've read her emails and she seems to be reaching. I've read Sos emails and he specifically states "friends", etc.
I hope she will be out of the picture soon enough. I don't feel comfortable with her reaching out to him. And again, SO has many women contacting him all regarding business. He travels quite alot and manages women also. I don't have a problem with them or when they call. This one though I do.
I told him he needs to decide and make the decision. I think blowing her off is good, but I think she will need the verbal words to have her go away.
I'm glad that he's respecting your feelings and pulling back from this woman.
I saw right through it and so did his best friend (who happens to be a woman) and I let him know what I thought and that I was uncomfortable with the idea. His best friend backed me up. He then quickly realized what was really going on and just gradually started changing his tune with her.
The last correspondence they had, she was trying to get him to coach her in swimming for a triathalon she was entering. He subtly told her that he was not going to be available and steered her towards other coaching resources. Luckily, she got the point after that and went away.
So, I think you’re doing the right thing by letting your SO know that you’re uncomfortable with the situation and letting him take the lead in reacting to it. It sounds like he is doing the right thing. Hopefully, if he continues to tone it down and blow her off, she’ll get the hint and go away.
Hugs! and Good luck!