Just what DOES she want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Just what DOES she want?
8
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:41am
I have a good friend here in town that I love to death. She is such a sweet person and has been there for me since we met just a few months ago. She's been a great friend and we've become very comfortable with each other and we talk a lot about things in our lives.

She dated a friend of Shane's for a long time. 6 six years on and off. He just got married Sunday. My friend is upset because he's been married twice and he said he'd never marry again and he ended up marrying this woman who he dated 26 years ago a few times between his first and second wives. After his second divorce, she began calling him and never stopped for years...even while he was with my friend. But he claimed she wanted what he wasn't prepared to give and he didn't like her. I guess he changed his mind. (she IS kinda weird IMO)

Anyway, my friend was having dreams that kept her awake about him calling off the engagement and going back to see her and trying things again. I find it strange that she's having these dreams because she always says that she learned her lesson with this man and that she'd never want to go back again. But she gets upset and says that all that time he was with her, he never thought of her as marriage material and wonders what was so bad about her that he couldn't let her be the one. But he can get back together with a woman that stalked him for years and after a couple of months, propose and start a life with her.

The confusing part to me is that she says she wants no attachments. She just wants sex and nothing more. She doesn't expect guys to call her constantly nor will she call them. I'm kinda worried about her because she sleeps with everyone. I can understand liking sex...I certainly do, but pick one or two and be with them for a while. I've seen her meet a guy and go off with him and later on tell me about it. She claims to not want to be attached, but she talks about how sad she is when she sees couples come thru the grocery store where she works and wonders what's so bad about her that she can't have that. Which is it? Cheap meaningless sex or a relationship???

She said to me once that she dreams about having a man that is like Robert Duvall's character (Gus McCray) on "Lonesome Dove". For thos of you that don't know it, he was so sweet and kind to Diane Lane's character (Lori), who was a protitute, even though he knew what she was. He respected her like a lady. She says my Shane is a Gus McCray. He really is. She hopes to find her Gus one day. I know of a guy that would be that for her, but she just dismisses it. A firefighter here in town is crazy about her. He's cute, nice, and has that job plus another successful business of his own. She's been out with him and says he's great. And I know he hates how she goes after other men. He's jealous of that. I really like him and I know he'd treat her well. Why does she avoid this?

IMO, so many men in town have been between the sheets with her that no one is going to commit because they see her as a toy. I'm not trying to be mean here, but most women like that are going to just be used and never get the love they want (even if they refuse to admit they want it). I just want to be there for her and help her thru whatever it is she's going thru.

What do you think about this?

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:49am

One word sums it up for me


Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:31pm

I have to agree!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:35pm
You know, if she isn't into relationships, fine. I can deal with that. Not everyone is up for a committment, but if you don't want it, stop whining about how everyone has someone. It's one or the other. You can't have both.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:43pm

commitmentphobia is not about CHOICE its about FEAR. She wants a relationship but she is terrified of them.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:18pm
I think so too. The title is quite biased. There are far more women out there that can't seem to be in relationships than we are aware of.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 3:39pm

Hi Mel,


I think there are lots and lots of people out there stuck in this kind of rut.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:16am
Mel,

You know what I think? I think that she's confused sex with love. That if she gives a guy sex then he may want to stick around for a relationship with her. But you're probably right that most of the guys in town see her as a toy, and she probably presents herself that way. She needs your help to build up her self esteem and worthiness. I'm sure she knows that she deserves better, she just can't see it yet. You need to push her to do things for herself and make herself be number one- to the point where a guy is an addition to her life, not the main focus. She doesn't want to be a promiscuous girl, and it's terrible that her friends see her that way. She has just misled herself into trying to grab a guy the wrong way. She probably doesn't understand that either, and she may do well seeing a counsellor to break through some issues.

I know that some women behave this way because of sexual abuse as children. Some behave this way because they may hit puberty earlier than their peers and are confused about the sudden male attention. Who knows the reason? But a counsellor could help her understand that desire in herself.

As for the guy? She dated him on and off for 6 yrs but he knew she wasn't the one for him, and he told her that he didn't want to get married again. It was probably true, at the time. But then when they broke up and this other woman pursued him- he saw something that he was looking for and married her. I know your friend is devastated and asking, "why am I not good enough?" Sometimes people are just happy with what they have *right now* but soon find the *one* and realize what they were missing. She isn't pining just for this guy, she's pining for the relationship and marraige she believed he would give her. Now that she's not dating/ seeing anyone, she can't see that there's another chance out there for her to find the *one*.

Now I know that you have the *perfect guy* for her, but unless she finds him attractive it's not going to work. You can't push this guy on her, the more you do the more she will back off. I do suggest that you invite them both over to do things with you, a few others as well sometimes so she doesn't feel set up. She may come to see on her own what this guy can offer her.

But remember, she does want a real relationship- she just doens't know how to get one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:50am
"I think that she's confused sex with love. That if she gives a guy sex then he may want to stick around for a relationship with her."

I disagree with that a bit. She told me she doesn't care if they call or not because she's not gonna chase after them either. She even told a guy we know that all she wanted was sex and that she knows he's safe because he's moving away and once he's gone, they're through and she'll move on to the next one.

"I'm sure she knows that she deserves better, she just can't see it yet. You need to push her to do things for herself and make herself be number one- to the point where a guy is an addition to her life, not the main focus."

You know, I don't think she knows what she deserves. I think she really believe this is what's out there. And It's sad because she's gorgeous and could have anyone she wants, but she needs to carry herself in a more ladylike way to get the man that will respect her and not just use her for sex.


"She doesn't want to be a promiscuous girl."

She seems to enjoy it.

"I know that some women behave this way because of sexual abuse as children."

She was molested by a friend of her brother's one afternoon at home.

"I know your friend is devastated and asking, "why am I not good enough?" Sometimes people are just happy with what they have *right now* but soon find the *one* and realize what they were missing."

I remember having a Mr. Right Now. And there's nothing wrong with it as long as that's what you're looking for. I just hope she makes up her mind if it's sex or love she's after.


"Now I know that you have the *perfect guy* for her, but unless she finds him attractive it's not going to work. You can't push this guy on her, the more you do the more she will back off. I do suggest that you invite them both over to do things with you, a few others as well sometimes so she doesn't feel set up. She may come to see on her own what this guy can offer her."

Actually, I didn't introduce them, she introduced him to me. She met him and instantly was attracted to him. It was like fireworks. She's take me to the the fire station to deliver goodies and they'd go off for a minute and find a place to make out. It was so cute. She was so into him, but the minute he called her a few times, she backed off. She still talks about him and wonders why he hasn't come thru the grocery store where she works, but if she's blown him off, he just probably avoids her now. She led him to believe she liked him by coming by all the time and then it was over. Poor guy and she admits he's probably the type she'd be likely to end up with. I love himto death and think he'd be great for her. But she has to decide if she's going to settle down and let someone into her heart.


Thanks!

mel

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