Just a Feeling
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Just a Feeling
| Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:25pm |
Something is bugging me today, and I just want to get it off my chest because it's bothering me. I will admit that I am an extreme crab*** today. I don't feel well (pounding sinus headache for 2 days now) and that just adds to my crabbiness. When something is bothering me, I withdraw. I haven't spoken to anyone at work today -- not a word. I just want to be left alone. I really don't know why I think this, other than a gut feeling, but I think by BF is seeing someone besides me -- and I think it's his ex-fiance. Their break up was not mutual. He ended their five-year relationship last August. She wants him back, and has made no bones about that -- e-mails, phone calls, cards. She even went so far as to call him up and ask him to come over and spend the night with her. That's ballsy! My BF has always been honest with me about his ex's attempts, and he always tells me me wants nothing to do with her. All that stuff happened months ago. He's been pretty quiet about her lately. Either she gave up (which I find hard to believe) or something is going on. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but this is really nagging at my gut. My BF works with a friend of his ex's, and in a conversation with me on the phonelast week, we were talking about this friend, and he mentioned that he still talks to her (meaning his ex). Like I said, I am a crab today, but unless someone died, I really can't think of any reason they need to talk. I told BF months ago that if he wanted to be back with her, just tell me so that I can end it with us and he can be with her. I'm way too old to be playing stupid games. It's either her or me -- not both of us. I don't cheat, and I expect the same respect in return. So, given my current state of mind, if BF happens to call me tonight, I'm going to ask him. So far in the past he's been honest with me. And I should be able to tell by the tone of his voice if he is full of BS. All I know is that BF's been a bit elusive lately. He hasn't called me since last Friday, which is pretty unusual. He's always busy on the weekends, but I never know what he's doing (this has just been in the past couple of weeks). I haven't seen him in a while, and it's frustrating. Maybe I'm letting my imagination run away with me. The last time I had a gut feeling about a BF cheating on me, I was right on target. In any event, I just have to ask what's going on. I may not like the answer, but I have to know. Thanks for listening.
Donna

(((((Donna)))))
I am sorry you're having a rough day. I know those intuitions can eat at you endlessly until you get to the bottom of things. I hope you can talk to him and voice your concerns in as non-confrontational way as possible and get to the bottom of it. It's pretty tough to accuse someone of cheating when they aren't and I am sure he won't take too kindly. But I know you need resolution. Does he know that you've been struggling with wondering at all?
I agree that if they don't have children together, he shouldn't have much reason to stay in contact with her. Especially considering that he KNOWS she wants to be back together, and he said he wasn't interested. She would naturally be encouraged by any contact from him. It doesn't take much to string someone along.
Hugs again. Try hard to just close the door on these particular thoughts for the day (and the past stuff that is cropping up as a result) and relax until you talk to him.
You are right. In my current state, I will be very confrontational, and I know that's not fair and that's not how I normally am. He has no idea that I suspect anything. And to tell you the truth, I didn't have any suspicions until a week ago. I was very surprised when he told me on the phone last week that he still talks to his ex. That started my suspicions. I just know how persistent his ex can be and the circumstances of their breakup. Mark and I have always been able to talk to each other about anything. If I can put myself in a better frame of mind and calm down a bit, I think I can discuss my feelings with him without it being confrontational and without him getting upset. You're right, I need to shut this off for the day, and relax until I can talk to him. Thanks for your advice.
Donna
Hi Donna, I agree with everything that's been said already.
You hit the nail on the head. Mark and I talked in the past about his ex calling, and he said that he just couldn't be mean to her. But, unfortunately, I think that it what is needed to get her to stop calling. As long as he is nice to her, she will think there is a chance. His ex is a single mom, married and divorced twice. When they were together, whenever she got in a money jam, which was often because she has champagne taste on a beer budget, he would pay her bills, pay her taxes and even pay her mortgage. He bought her tons of clothes, etc. He admitted to me that he was her "sugar daddy". Mark is a mortgage broker. He refinanced her and got her out of debt twice. By the time he called off the engagement, she was back in a lot of debt. He was scared to take on that kind of commitment, so that is why he broke it off with her. She recently lost her job. Under those kind of circumstances, given their past, and the fact that he won't be mean to her, I wouldn't think she would give up any time soon, especially if he is nice to her. I would never come out and accuse him of cheating. I just would really like to know why he is still talking to her. I think he is only aggravating himself, unless he wants to hold onto the past, and if he enjoys talking to her. I'm not PMSing at all, so I can't blame that. I guess the knowledge that he still talks to her, coupled with the fact that I haven't heard from him in five days got me a bit suspicious. I'm probably over-reacting, but I still would like to know what's going on. I'll keep you posted.
Donna
I was ok with that for awhile. But it got old. It got REALLY old. 4 months later, when she was still calling at 7am on Saturday mornings, crying, wanting to rehash everything AGAIN, it was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY old. I was done with it. I issued an ultimatum. I told him he had to choose. Continue a relationship with her, as to not hurt her, which was HURTING ME, or hurt her, by informing her since she was interferring with OUR relationship that he would no longer communicate with her unless and until she could MOVE ON. And unless and until he did that, I was not interested in a relationship with him as his "friendship" (which was nothing more than pity on his part and begging for a third chance on her part) with her was obviously more important to him than his REAL RELATIONSHIP with me.
I don't regret that, at all.
Big hugs and best wishes to you.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Oooh..I should have read your post before asking my question...your problem is worse than mine, but I got some insiight from it anyway.
I agree, it seems like something is up there...he may just feel like he has to "save" her from herself, but yet he knows this is wrong.
Kim
I hope all goes well and you find your answer soon enough. It's a terrible feeling when you are in that state.
Hugs, Marilyn
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