Just a Feeling

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Just a Feeling
10
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:25pm
Something is bugging me today, and I just want to get it off my chest because it's bothering me. I will admit that I am an extreme crab*** today. I don't feel well (pounding sinus headache for 2 days now) and that just adds to my crabbiness. When something is bothering me, I withdraw. I haven't spoken to anyone at work today -- not a word. I just want to be left alone. I really don't know why I think this, other than a gut feeling, but I think by BF is seeing someone besides me -- and I think it's his ex-fiance. Their break up was not mutual. He ended their five-year relationship last August. She wants him back, and has made no bones about that -- e-mails, phone calls, cards. She even went so far as to call him up and ask him to come over and spend the night with her. That's ballsy! My BF has always been honest with me about his ex's attempts, and he always tells me me wants nothing to do with her. All that stuff happened months ago. He's been pretty quiet about her lately. Either she gave up (which I find hard to believe) or something is going on. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but this is really nagging at my gut. My BF works with a friend of his ex's, and in a conversation with me on the phonelast week, we were talking about this friend, and he mentioned that he still talks to her (meaning his ex). Like I said, I am a crab today, but unless someone died, I really can't think of any reason they need to talk. I told BF months ago that if he wanted to be back with her, just tell me so that I can end it with us and he can be with her. I'm way too old to be playing stupid games. It's either her or me -- not both of us. I don't cheat, and I expect the same respect in return. So, given my current state of mind, if BF happens to call me tonight, I'm going to ask him. So far in the past he's been honest with me. And I should be able to tell by the tone of his voice if he is full of BS. All I know is that BF's been a bit elusive lately. He hasn't called me since last Friday, which is pretty unusual. He's always busy on the weekends, but I never know what he's doing (this has just been in the past couple of weeks). I haven't seen him in a while, and it's frustrating. Maybe I'm letting my imagination run away with me. The last time I had a gut feeling about a BF cheating on me, I was right on target. In any event, I just have to ask what's going on. I may not like the answer, but I have to know. Thanks for listening.

Donna

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:34pm

(((((Donna)))))


I am sorry you're having a rough day. I know those intuitions can eat at you endlessly until you get to the bottom of things. I hope you can talk to him and voice your concerns in as non-confrontational way as possible and get to the bottom of it. It's pretty tough to accuse someone of cheating when they aren't and I am sure he won't take too kindly. But I know you need resolution. Does he know that you've been struggling with wondering at all?


I agree that if they don't have children together, he shouldn't have much reason to stay in contact with her. Especially considering that he KNOWS she wants to be back together, and he said he wasn't interested. She would naturally be encouraged by any contact from him. It doesn't take much to string someone along.


Hugs again. Try hard to just close the door on these particular thoughts for the day (and the past stuff that is cropping up as a result) and relax until you talk to him.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:39pm
Hugs, I don't know that I have good advice because to my knowledge no one has ever cheated on me (done a lot of other things and ex because of his drug addiction lied like a dog but ). Anyway, my first instinct is that if your gut says it's so, it's worth listening to. I had times with my ex when I knew in my gut he was lying and using and would try to dismiss it as just my paranoia from having been through it before and even swallow lame excuses but I came to a point where I had to just admit when my gut was telling me something was up, I should listen. That being said, I would take a long look and make sure it wasn't just past fear clouding your judgment. The other ladies probably have better advise on whether to come right out and ask him but I have to agree that it's stupid to play games and if he's not wanting the same things as you are i.e. in this case a solidly exclusive relationship, he needs to tell you so you can both move on. Good luck and big hugs. BTW, if you decide you need to say something, I would call him, not wait for him to call. JMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:05pm
Becky:

You are right. In my current state, I will be very confrontational, and I know that's not fair and that's not how I normally am. He has no idea that I suspect anything. And to tell you the truth, I didn't have any suspicions until a week ago. I was very surprised when he told me on the phone last week that he still talks to his ex. That started my suspicions. I just know how persistent his ex can be and the circumstances of their breakup. Mark and I have always been able to talk to each other about anything. If I can put myself in a better frame of mind and calm down a bit, I think I can discuss my feelings with him without it being confrontational and without him getting upset. You're right, I need to shut this off for the day, and relax until I can talk to him. Thanks for your advice.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:46pm

Hi Donna, I agree with everything that's been said already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:38pm
Maggie:

You hit the nail on the head. Mark and I talked in the past about his ex calling, and he said that he just couldn't be mean to her. But, unfortunately, I think that it what is needed to get her to stop calling. As long as he is nice to her, she will think there is a chance. His ex is a single mom, married and divorced twice. When they were together, whenever she got in a money jam, which was often because she has champagne taste on a beer budget, he would pay her bills, pay her taxes and even pay her mortgage. He bought her tons of clothes, etc. He admitted to me that he was her "sugar daddy". Mark is a mortgage broker. He refinanced her and got her out of debt twice. By the time he called off the engagement, she was back in a lot of debt. He was scared to take on that kind of commitment, so that is why he broke it off with her. She recently lost her job. Under those kind of circumstances, given their past, and the fact that he won't be mean to her, I wouldn't think she would give up any time soon, especially if he is nice to her. I would never come out and accuse him of cheating. I just would really like to know why he is still talking to her. I think he is only aggravating himself, unless he wants to hold onto the past, and if he enjoys talking to her. I'm not PMSing at all, so I can't blame that. I guess the knowledge that he still talks to her, coupled with the fact that I haven't heard from him in five days got me a bit suspicious. I'm probably over-reacting, but I still would like to know what's going on. I'll keep you posted.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:53pm
Back when TT and I were dating, we experienced alot of "interference" from one of his exes. The one immediately before me. He ended it, and she didn't want to end it AT ALL. She made it VERY clear to him on MANY occassions that he was "her one" and that she would do ANYTHING to be with him again. He remained "friends" with her, because he didn't want to hurt her any further, and because "she is really a great girl."

I was ok with that for awhile. But it got old. It got REALLY old. 4 months later, when she was still calling at 7am on Saturday mornings, crying, wanting to rehash everything AGAIN, it was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY old. I was done with it. I issued an ultimatum. I told him he had to choose. Continue a relationship with her, as to not hurt her, which was HURTING ME, or hurt her, by informing her since she was interferring with OUR relationship that he would no longer communicate with her unless and until she could MOVE ON. And unless and until he did that, I was not interested in a relationship with him as his "friendship" (which was nothing more than pity on his part and begging for a third chance on her part) with her was obviously more important to him than his REAL RELATIONSHIP with me.

I don't regret that, at all.

Big hugs and best wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:17pm

Oooh..I should have read your post before asking my question...your problem is worse than mine, but I got some insiight from it anyway.


I agree, it seems like something is up there...he may just feel like he has to "save" her from herself, but yet he knows this is wrong.

Kim

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 7:16pm
Another thought, sometimes guys just don't "get it" that what they perceive as just being nice and trying not be mean actually comes off as giving the woman the feeling that they still have a chance. My dh, who would sooner cut off his arm than cheat on me, was playing in a band and one Friday night about a month before I moved in with him, he was playing and I wasn't there. This girl, who he'd never gone out with, but been friends with and thought about going out with her at one time so had had some phone conversations with her in the past (before we'd ever started dating) came up and started flirting with him. She was asking why he he hadn't gone out with her when he was still available and basically why it was "right" with me but she hadn't had that chance. He basically told her that it just was exactly the right person and right time with me and that when he was available and would have taken her out, he didn't because he knew it would just be a fling because that's where he was in his life at the time and didn't want to hurt her. This all wasn't news to me because he'd told me about that situation but he probably shouldn't have told her that. Anyway, she went on to ask if she could call him sometimes anyway because it's not like we were living together (she knew we'd been dating exclusively for about 8 months at that point which ticked me off). And asked if she could bring her new Harley by so he could give her a ride because she wasn't skilled enough at riding double. He told me about it and it didn't even occur to him that him being friendly would give her the idea that he was maybe interested. I had to explain it to him before he understood that not only would it make me really uncomfortable but might lead to a situation where she'd end up getting hurt worse. My longwinded point was just that he'd been out of the mind set of how careful you have to be sometimes until we talked about it and I explained that women don't think like guys and you have to take that into account. He's very careful now to not leave any room for doubt but it was uncomfortable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:28pm
I agree with all of the posts here from today. I think you should make sure you are pulled together emotionally before discussing. Keep us posted and good luck. You always have to listen to your gut/inner voice. It is not usually wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:22am
Oh those lovely "Feelings". In my past experience, when you have those feelings, it's usually right. Can we be wrong? Probably. He might just be busy with work, tied up, etc. I don't know how long you have been dating and what plans for your future you have been planning together. All we can do is hope that we are wrong with our intuition and pass it off as be insecure. I'm sure you are feeling insecure with this women being in the picture still. Again, I agree that he has to be the one that needs to tell her to step out of his life and never contact him. I also feel that if he cares of about you, and loves you and know that this is causing you pain, then he should give her the boot.

I hope all goes well and you find your answer soon enough. It's a terrible feeling when you are in that state.

Hugs, Marilyn

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