Caught in between

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Caught in between
10
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:57pm
HI everyone, I'm new to this board and just looking for new people to talk with and get advice from. I'm 24yrs old single mother. I have 1 child a little girl who is 5, she will be going to kindergarten this year. Me and her father have been apart for a little over 3 yrs now and I've been dating recently. The only problem I have with dating and having my child is when to involve her into the relationship. The last relationship that I was in I was with him for about 3 months before they had any type of interaction. It was wonderful and they became really close to each other. At this moment in time me and this guy are friends but are not in relationship. The guy and my daughter still have a relationship as far as talking on the phone and drawing pictures for him (the same way it was when we were together) just that they don't see each other. Moving on, recently my daughter's father wants to work things out between us. I would love to for my daughter's sake but fo some reason my feeling nor my heart is not in that direction to work it out. For 2 I have no trust for this man anymore and it would take a while to establish trust for him again. And 2 my heart is with the guy that I mentioned earlier. But how do I get over the guilt of feeling that I'm depriving my child from having both of her parents together and the guilt of me hurting her father because I won't let him have another chance????? Can anyone help me????
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:53pm
Hi Msladynred!

I'm new to this message board also, but I saw your post and wanted to tell you that I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I'm 24 I have a son is almost 4, his father and I broke it off before he was born. I didn't date until he was about 1 1/2 and started dating an ex (we had dated right after highschool but were too young for a serious relationship). I introduced them slowly and they eventually built a great bond, everything was perfect. Well about a month ago we broke up (basically just because he is not ready to be husband and father yet) us too are remaining friends but thought it was best not to bring him around my son anymore. Well my son at only 3 is asking questions as to "is it my fault mommy, cause I wanted to watch cartoons" and such....just heartbreaking for me. Well my sons father after he found out about the break up, decides he wants to reconcile. I'd love to do this for my son, so he could grow up in a two parent household, but I simply don't love his father. I feel awful because I want nothing more to make my son happy, and he already is starting to ask the questions, "why", but to me I just can't. i discovered feeling for my ex that I didn't know exsist and that I never or will never have for my sons father. My only advice is to go with your heart. Thats what I'm trying to do. I just figure why try to reconcile and build up my sons hopes only to break his heart along the way. At least this is what he has ever known - us not being together. Well hang in there and good luck. If you ever need someone to talk to that can relate, feel free to email me - amlinton1102@aol.com

((Hugs))

Am

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:58pm

Hi msladyinred,


It sounds like a very confusing situation for you right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:05pm

Hi Am, welcome to this board!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:14pm
Well, without knowing a lot of the details about you such as are you divorced from your ex or just separated? Did you leave him or did he leave you? And with your last relationship, who did the leaving and why? I would start by assessing your feelings:

I think you’ve already answered yourself on the ex question. You don’t want to be with him. Your heart is not in it. If you can’t trust him and you don’t love him, than you would be doing yourself and your ex a disservice by pretending otherwise. That would be something for more “guilt” worthy than not giving him a false second chance and setting yourselves up for disappointment. For your daughter’s sake, it’s important that you allow her to cultivate healthy relationships with each of you, but you don’t need to be a couple to do so and be clear with her about your relationship with your ex so she is not misled into believing anything different.

As for your last relationship, I am not really clear on whether this is a new friendship with potential to become more or if this was a romantic relationship that turned into friends only. If it is the first, then take your time and enjoy it and don’t let your “guilt” over your ex ruin it!

If it is the latter and you don’t feel that there is potential for a relationship anymore than you have to accept that it is over. Staying friends with someone whom you secretly wish to be with romantically can sabotage your chances for meeting someone new and finding happiness because you will never be able to let go of that “what if” that may and probably will never come.

I wish you lots of luck with this and hopes for happiness!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:50pm
Hi, thanks for the advice. Me and my daughters father were never married we were engaged but I called it off after I found out he was cheating. I love him but not in love with him.

As for my ex we were togethr for a little over a year and because of the drama that his daughter's mother was giving him about me and the drama that I was recieving on my end with my daughter's father we both decided that we would slow things down a little so that we didn't cause conflict to the point where he wasn't able to see his child. (Some females are really petty like that). We care about each other alot and what things to go back to the way they used to but for now we are taking it a little slow. Our daughters go to school together and they love playing with each other. I've grown attached to his daughter as he has to mine. For the mean time we have keep a distance from each other to avoid bringing more conflict between our kids other parent and us. Sometimes we'll get sitters and sneak off and meet for a couple of hours to be together but we've much so kept it to a minimal. It hurts so much deep down inside to sit there and not be able to do anything about the situation. He's told me if I wanted to date other people that I could no hard feelings and vis versa.

As for my daughter's father I get so sick of his crap and how he wants to make things right but can't take care of responsibility. I've never had an experience with dating, when I met him I was 17 years old and had been with him for almost 4 1/2 years before we broke up. So having my freedom and dating other people has been very exciting and so different. But thanks to everyone who took the time and gave me some advice. This is just a little more background on the situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 6:26pm
I think to give you advice I would need to know more about the situation. Normally I think if you really break off a relationship there is usually a good reason. I wouldn't recommend working things out with your ex if you aren't in love with him/love him anymore. That would only lead to the same result I am afraid. If you did love him however and you both have made personal strides then I would say why not.

As far as the old boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with having a male friend. I do and he is close to my daughter and yes we did date but I have known him 9 years and know he is stable and in our lives.

Being that your daughter is older I would try to keep her away until you really know things are going somewhere. I think after 6 months you know if you are moving forward or winding down. I have a male friend /guy who keeps trying to date me even though I am attached LOL who has a 7 year old and he won't introduce her AT ALL. He says that he did after dating one girl a year and she broke up with him 3 weeks later. He says he won't until he is sure that there is real love and an engagemnet looming.

So I suppose there are many different ideas. If your daughter has a good relationship with her father though I think you don't have to worry as much because she HAS a father. My daughter doesn't and I feel I have to protect her even more.

Whatever you choose - good luck and welcome to the board!


Laura

studioblu.biz

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 7:10pm
Well, now that I know a little bit more about your situation, I 100% stand behind the notion that you need to feel no guilt over not giving your ex a second chance!

I would give you some advice that was given to me by a divorce counselor, based on my own experience with my daughter and my ex. Be very clear with both of them that you do not intend to “get back together.” Do not send any mixed signals out of guilt or concern. He needs to be clear of what your feelings and intentions are, even if you have to spell it out for him (I had to get rude before it finally sunk in). And for her, it’s to give her some clarity and a sense of finality. She is young, and although she may have some memories of what is what was like when you and her dad were together, she will adjust to the two of you being separate entities in her life and she will build many more memories. Be sure to re-assure her that loving both of you is ok. That she doesn’t have to choose and that it is ok to like other people too (like your friend).

I am really sorry to hear about your situation with your friend. Do you and your friend have court ordered parenting plans and visitation schedules for your kids? If not, I would suggest this get taken care of ASAP. Then no matter how much the other parent tries to threaten you with not seeing your kids, you’ll have a court document backing up your rights and your ex’s won’t be able to manipulate you via your visitation.

As for your and your friend’s ex’s behavior. All I can say to that, based on my own experience, is to give it time. In the beginning, an ex can be very difficult when a new and good person enters their child’s or their ex’s life. If they aren’t ready for it (or they are waiting for you to come back because you haven’t been clear with them) the knee jerk reaction is to be bitter and find ways to destroy it. But hopefully with time, they learn to realize that the only relationship they are destroying is the one between them and their child. My ex was this way at first, although not to the same extremes as yours, and he has gotten much more accepting, but it has taken a year.

Much luck to you! I hope everything works out.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:47pm

Hi


I don't think I can add anything to the good advice you've already gotten.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:54pm

Welcome!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 2:24pm

Hi and welcome!!!


I didn't get here and read this in time for the first round of answers to your question, but I just thought I'd jump in and say that I know EXACTLY how you feel re: the father of your child and should you/shouldn't you get back together with him.


I tried the same thing when my DS was 4. I was engaged to his bio father when pregnant. But the engagement was only BECAUSE of the pregnancy. He thought that was the "Right thing to do" and it never did feel right to me. I finally broke it off.


He was NOT HAPPY. Disappeared for a while. Accused me of "ruining his life" (hard to hear for a co-dependant type gal!) When he finally came back around and seemed interested in being with me and making a family, I gave it a shot. I thought "Well, if I've ruined his life, the least I can do is try to make amends". Well, if there's a worse reason to plan a life with someone than just to make them feel good about themselves, I don't know what it is. And it felt horrible.


I didn't love him. I didn't miss him the whole time we were apart. And no matter how I tried, I STILL could not envision a happy family life with him. And the worst part is that it gave our 4 year old false hope when it didn't happen.


I just wanted to tell you my story to help reinforce what you probably already know. If you aren't head over heels in love with him, and if you don't consider him trustworthy, then you have no good reason in the world to attempt a relationship with him.


Your son can STILL have a "whole" family. He still has his dad. He still has his mom. And if living together in a two parent home is important to you, you still have plenty of time for that if the right man comes along. I waited 8 years for it. It was worth every bit of the waiting!

Becky

Becky