Shouldn't Your Mate Be Your Best Friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Shouldn't Your Mate Be Your Best Friend?
11
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:58pm
Is it too much to expect that your mate be your best friend? I'm dating a guy who has told me all about his best friend of two years....a women that he does absolutely everything with on a weekly basis. They go rock climbing together every week. They go work out at the gym every week. And more recently he's told me that they've been best friends for two years now, and that they also travel together. During dinner I asked him, "So, why aren't you together with this gal who you go rock climbing with? Is it just that you're not attracted to her?" He responded with, "Oh no...that's not it at all. I just don't think that she's interested in me." She supposedly has a boyfriend in CA (we live in Oregon), so I then said, "Does her boyfriend know that you guys spend so much time together?" He said, "You know, I'm not sure whether he knows or not."

I later admitted that this bothered me. Let's face it. It's like she's his girlfriend, even though he says that he's not been intimate with her. So I explained how I was feeling. Suddenly his story changes a bit. "Trina, you're mistaken. Our friendship isn't like that. I'm not attracted to her in that way, and her boyfriend knows about me." Huh? GEE, doesn't that sound a bit different from what he said the first time? When he realized I was bothered by it, his story changed and he down played it, totally contradicting what he'd first said...when I think he was being more honest.

It feels like he's dating her & I at the same time, regardless of her boyfriend in another state. Frankly, I feel as though your mate should be your best friend. Otherwise, why be with that person in the first place? Sure, we've not been dating very long, but still. He told me about her probably so I'd know. If he wanted me to know, then it's probably because he doesn't want to lose his best friend because of me. And in all fairness to me (about the statement above), he practically admitted that he's attracted to her and made it sound like the only reason he's not with her is because he quote word for word says, "Because I don't think that she's interested in me." Uh huh. Any thoughts on the subject?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 7:09pm
Well, in my opinion, this is not normal at first glance. But they do have things they enjoy doing and seem to be in a comfortable state because they spend so much time.

The question, of course, is would he convert to spending that much time with you and being YOUR best friend in a timely manner? Do you enjoy rock climbing, working out and some of the things they do? Do you have anything in common?

How did you two meet and go out? I guess all I can say to this is to take a step back, don't get serious (especially sexually) too soon and try to keep an open mind.

I agree with you that I would not like the "Oh no..that's not it at all. I just don't think that she's interested in me." That would turn me off for sure.

Men...why are they always so complicated when it comes to matters of the heart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 7:17pm
Thanks for your thoughts. I forgot to mention that they also meet for lunch every single week, as well.

He's been pushing the sex issue, and I've been pushing back with, "I'm not ready." All because of my mixed feelings about this situation.

True, he could end up someday spending that same amount of time with me. It's the here and now that I'm struggling with. And mostly because of his near admittion of his attration for her.

Again, thanks for your thoughts. It's very much appreciated.

Trina

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:35pm
I would really hesitate on this one. And I would definitely hold back on the sex thing. That is not good he is pushing this. How old is he?

You should try to date other people. I am inclined to say, "Throw him in the pond with the other toads." He should be "here now ready now" - that is my motto - meaning lives close by, ready for a relationship now - no addictions, no unsolved mystery girlfriends, no hazards (bad kids, bad exes, bad MILs, bad job, bad finances, etc.). It should be easy and he should make you feel good about yourself and want to know more about you, not tell you all about this mystery relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 12:05am
I have a few thoughts on the subject...and I can speak from experience, because my best friend is a guy that I've been friends with for over 15 years!

First of all, I agree that he told you from the very beginning because he wants to make sure you are ok with it, so he doesn't have to give up his best friend. If a man has a friend who he considers a true friend and he's telling you about her from the start, it is usually because he wants you to know that your acceptance of this friendship may be a condition for your relationship.

However, I'd be suspicious of his first response and the fact that he does EVERYTHING with this woman and continues to do so even though he is now dating you. It sounds to me like if this woman were to wake up tomorrow and decide that she was attracted to your guy, he would probably jump at the chance to be with her. The fact that he changed his story later only makes it more suspicious.

Bottom line is you have a problem with it now...and you're going to have a problem with it later, unless something changes. You have to decide NOW whether you think you can be comfortable with this, not later...because if you have trouble with it now, later just becomes harder to deal with. Also, if he's pushing sex with you, after only a few dates, and especially after you've told him you're not ready, then he sounds like a toad!

p.s. my best friend and I have a true bond that we would not sacrifice for anyone. When we were both single we did things together all the time, even travelled together...HOWEVER, once either one of us got involved with someone we seriously toned down our friendship to something more appropriate, such as just occasional email and phone calls to keep in touch. That to me is being respectful and considerate of the person who is supposed to be your partner.

good luck!

Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 6:59am

HOWEVER, once either one of us got involved with someone we seriously toned down our friendship to something more appropriate, such as just occasional email and phone calls to keep in touch. That to me is being respectful and considerate of the person who is supposed to be your partner.


IMHO, this is a KEY point.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:16am

Hi!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 12:36pm
I would have big problems with that scenario. My boyfriend has female friends, but he doesn't go anywhere with them. He certainly would not take any trips with them. Your boyfriend may just have a platonic relationship with her, but it sounds like the ball is in her court and if she decided to start something he'd go along with it. She might find him more attractive now that he has a girlfriend. Women are like that. They like to compete.

On an emotional level, he is more intimate with her than you. It shouldn't be like that. Yeah, you haven't been dating that long, but this situation will not get better. He will either stop seeing her and resent you for making him dump his "best" friend. Or, he'll keep on seeing her and hurting you. You should be with someone who has similar boundaries to your own....someone who wouldn't want such a close relationship with another female.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 12:48pm

Trina, I had another thought, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 1:43pm
I want to take a moment to tell you just how much I appreciate the time that you took to respond. Message boards are wonderful, and it feel so incredibly good to be validated!

Thank you very much,

Trina

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 1:51pm
Hi there!

Yep. I'm new to the boad and have truly enjoyed it. It's so nice to be able to throw a thought out into the air and be able to obtain unbiased, honest opinions on any subject of concern.

Thank you for validating how I'm feeling. Your thoughts meant a lot to me.

Trina

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