Well, I get to meet Dad BUT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Well, I get to meet Dad BUT
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Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:58am
he is still confused. So he is willing to move forward even though he is still confused. No sure what that means. At the core of this I really feel is a trust issue. Not so much that he doesn't trust me but trust that this is the right direction for him. He basically begged me to give him more time although he felt bad because he couldn't say for sure what would happen and he knows that Alyse is getting more and more attached. I told him that I felt he had kept a certain distance there. He seems to be trying to take these little steps toward trusting in a future with me. i suppose you are right about patience and steps. My BF told me to go to the race and see if meeting his father changed anything. I don't think that anything with Jack will be overnight. I just have to focus on the small efforts and the fact that we have been and are moving forward (at a snails pace but oh well - more time to enjoy the view right?)

Ok so I am being positive here. Yes, it hurts my feelings that he is still confused about his feelings for me but what can I do. I don't think dumping him will help anything. I am stuck. LOL.

So on the 21st I am going to go to the Busch Race at MIS and take pictures of the semi truck I designed and meet his Dad. Wish me luck - knowing me I will have a monster zit or a cold sore and be bloated from PMS and then start my periods at the race LOL! Not to mention do and say something totally inappropriate without meaning too. UGH - I hate pressure!!!!!!

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 12:55pm
"He basically begged me to give him more time although he felt bad because he couldn't say for sure what would happen and he knows that Alyse is getting more and more attached......

Ok so I am being positive here. Yes, it hurts my feelings that he is still confused about his feelings for me but what can I do. I don't think dumping him will help anything. I am stuck. LOL."


Laura, you said you were going to stick to your guns this time, no matter what.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 4:28pm
I did decide to tell him that nothing more than 100% was good enough. I told him that I couldn't fix his confusion issue because it had nothing to do with me. That he needs to figure out what is meaningful in his life and what the point is for him and then if he feels that he wants me and Alyse in his life he needs to go for it and not ride the fence anymore. I used a parallel to when he started his own business - how he couldn't go half way. How when he did that he didn't know if he would succeed but the point was he WANTED to and was going to work for that to happen. I told him that this is the same way and he had to go all the way if it is what he wants.

So we left on good terms actually and he will still take care of running my website and believe it or not - he still wants me to go to the race on the 21st! But - we really did break up. I told him that I would go as a business associate :) NO MORE SEX hehehe. He wasn't getting any until he was willing to give it all LOL.

I am actually under it all not doing so great but somehow I feel OK. I know that this needs to happen and I am ready for it to. I am glad I will still get to go and take pictures of the semi and meet his dad anyways. To me that says that maybe he knows that things will be OK with us too. But even if they aren't I know that someday they will be OK either way.

*sigh*

Well - I am proud of myself. A little sad and scared and still hopeful but proud. I will try to focus on my business for a while. In the meantime maybe things will fall into place with Jack finally. What is that saying? A watched pot never boils? I am not going to focus on it and maybe it will finally boil over with good things :)

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 5:25pm
I think you handled this so so well. Bravo to you for your strength. It is good that you set boundaries and now you have to wait and see what he will do.

The funny thing is that most men do not realize what they have until they don't have it. So time apart, especially without benefits, will help him become less confused.

Either way you win - you are not wasting your time with something that has no future - if he comes back that is good - but if he doesn't then you will meet someone else.

I am thinking it might be hard to see him, even on a business level, if he decides he doesn't want to commit. Just keep that in mind for now - you still have to wait and see.

Keep us posted and try to stay busy/positive.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 4:26pm
Thanks again for the encouragement. Waiting is the worst though LOL! Yesterday I was thinking "what is the point of going to the race? I don't care about seeing a NASCAR race - the whole point of going was to meet his dad as his girlfriend" I pondered that all day and then decided that maybe it wasn't a good idea. I called him and I got as far as "I don't thi..." before he said "DON'T say THAT!" I asked him how he knew what I was going to say and he KNEW! I told him my concerns and he asked me to still go. He said that it would "mean a lot to him" which is an unusual thing for him to say. His reasons were to 1) Meet his father and see how we interacted (I laughed and said it was an experiment.) #2) He said he had always meant to take me and really wanted to and wanted to hang out with me (I BET lol) and #3) to make sure I got the pictures for my portfolio of the work I did.

I suppose the fact that he still wants me to meet his father is a good thing. This is strange to me but I do realize that he is one of those people that needs space and time to digest very important decisions. Since when we broke up in the last half hour he meantioned "In the future" things at least 4 times (talk about really confusing me) I figure that he is really FINALLY making a decision here. He seemed pretty put together and asked that I be patient. He told me that it wasn't me - that he does love me and want to be with me but he needs to step back and really make sure that this is what he wants BECAUSE - and this is what he said - it is the MOST important decision of his life and wants to make sure he is ready to do it. He told me that stepping back was his way of looking at it a little more objectively so that he could really do the right thing. Personally I think that he knows already that being with me is what he wants but maybe I am just hoping. Of course, I don't see the point in intoducing me to dad otherwise. Because from all the informaiton I got, this will be a BIG deal for his dad too and he probably won't let up on him after he does meet me (he is really really really wanting grandkids and Jack is his only hope LOL)

So that is the last scoop for a bit probably. Who knows. Maybe he will show up with a ring soon. Not holding my breath but still hoping.

I do want to mention too that in our conversation last night I told him that I was a little concerned that even if we do go all the way here with this, will he continue to do things like this - needing to pull away or freak out when big decisions or major things come up. He asked for examples and I mentioned us have a child - then I mentioned health problems with us or the kids. Would he need to be alone to "get his head together" He told me that he felt that was not going be the case because once he is committed to us, that would be that. I do believe that is true about him. When he does decide something, he is a very dedicated person.

I just hope it doesn't take him too long. I really have to make sure that this time he figures it out. It has driven us both crazy long enough. I am trying to look at it from the viewpoint of he is really really taking this seriously. My first and second husbands didn't. I feel so many couples just go with the flow and one day wake up and think "is this REALLY what I wanted?" and feel so confused they do something stupid - like my first DH and his affair. It wasn't until it was too late that he figured out that is had been. This way we are doing that whol bit FIRST LOL.

What do you think? Over rationslization? Wouldn't be the first time.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 4:35pm
How old are both of you?

You cannot analyze anything - you have to wait and see. That is hard. But true. And you have to stay firm on your boundaries.

About the NASCAR thing and other things of this nature. If it benefits you OTHER than for the relationship or possibility of relationship then you go. If it is a hassle and doesn't have a benefit then you don't go. Take the path of least resistance.

In this case, with the NASCAR thing, it sounds like it benefits you professionally to go. I would go for the extent of that. And of course you can be cordial and gracious with his dad. But then draw the line - don't hang around excessively or go out of your way.

As far as worrying about the future and would he do this again - I don't think you will have to worry if you give him space and then he commits. You have to be less available and he has to miss you. It certainly is not productive to discuss "what ifs" - life never really goes as planned or expected anyway!! ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 5:00pm
I had some more thoughts for you.

I think this is all about him and him being ready to be married and committed to married life. If he waffles or says he is not ready then he is not ready. This is no reflection on you or about you. There is nothing you can do to make him ready. His affection for you will not change these things.

If you are ready and want a fantastic married life, then you should drop him. But you should drop him with the intention of not seeing him. Not even for his dad. And you should move on and not settle for this. You should not have settled for the nonsense with him not introducing you to his parents in the beginning.

Of course that is water under the bridge now. And I don't want to seem like I am scolding you but to help you.

At any rate, I think you are just prolonging your roller coaster ride to wait and see if the dad meeting does anything.

I think you must go cold turkey so you can also figure out what you want - what you really want with your life. And you will not do that when you miss his attention, conversation and affection. When women miss those things they often negotiate too much for too little.

You have a lot at stake - your life, your career and your daughter. Now it is time for both of you to take time apart.

I do know your pain because I dated a guy like this. We had so much in common and so much chemistry. But he was not ready to settle down. Every time he felt like he was falling in love with me he would pull back and he never introduced me to any of his family or friends. We broke up and got back together. Then he didn't call for a week and when he did he said he just didn't know about a relationship in his life. At that point I finally got sick of the roller coaster and pulled the plug. 3 months later he missed me and tried contacting me a bunch of times. And you know what? I realized I outgrew him and he was not good enough for me anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 5:18pm

Laura, you said you are proud of yourself...I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you, too!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 5:34pm
Laura:

I have to say that I agreed with the post from West 1745. The reason I say that is because this same thing just happened to me. If you have been reading the posts lately, I relayed that I had a feeling my BF had someone else. Then when I asked him, he was evasive. I know you don't have that issue. But the issue that I see with your situation and with mine is loving a man who has a commmitment problem. Believe me, I know exactly what you feel. I would love to try to work things out, but I know it wouldn't make any difference. If a man can't make a decision or a commitment now, it won't get any easier. It's hard to hear the words, "let go and move on". I'm trying to get used to the idea myself. One thing that is helping me through this are words my BIL said to me at my cousin's funeral. We were talking about my little sis, and he said something to the effect of "You have to do what's right for you. If you're in a situation that isn't good for you, if you're not getting what you want out of it, cut it off and move on." My BIL is a bit arrogant, and I hate admitting he was right, but he's right. I can't tell you how many times in the past week those words were in my head. They just kept coming back. I keep telling myself that although I love Mark, I deserve so much better than to be treated the way he's been treating me. I want someone who wants to be with me, wants to meet my kids and my family, wants me to meet his family. Mark is a great friend, a great person, and he treated me better than any man I ever dated. I will miss him so much. I feel like I lost my best friend. But like West said, she met a man who she had great chemistry with, but it didn't work because he couldn't commit. Me too. We were a great couple, but if he's not interested in a future with me, it really doesn't mean that much. I'ts not you, it's him. My sister keeps telling me the same thing. My BF may have had a commitment problem going far back. So time doesn't always fix problems. It's up to him. It can't be fixed unless he wants to fix his own self. Don't torture yourself by keeping in contact with him. That will only hurt you more. Go cold turkey. And, if your BF decides he can't live without you and he wants to spend his life with you, he will contact you. Time might be what he needs, but if you broke up with him but you still see him, then you are defeating the purpose of him being by himself to think. I'm not saying any of this to hurt you. I'm saying it because I'm living it. Do you know how many times this weekend I wanted to pick up the phone and call him? Lots, but I didn't do it. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Be good to yourself and take care of you. No one else will. And if it's meant to be, it will be. Good luck.

Donna

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:17pm
OH my - why do you ask? I don't like to tell people how old I am but he is 31.

I hope I don't sound like some flake. I always worry about that - coming across all dippy or something. My eyes aren't closed on this I will tell you - but I can tell you that I am a romantic. I really do believe that you can love someone forever. BUT I also believe that a person can kill that love. With me it just takes something very very severe.

I am sensitive about my age because I feel age gives people false perceptions. JMO ;) Lets say 30ish lol

Laura

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:33pm
That might happen. I am not going to race to meet his dad/thinking that will change anything. In fact it was the reason I DIDN'T want to go. I know there are guys that do that - he could be one of them. If that is the case then now is the time to figure it out. As far as outgrowing...is that why the age question? I know that I don't need a man in my life - I have gone for years without one. Sure there are usually some lingering here and there but for all that I have had a pick from I haven't found many of much interest. I don't mean to sound like I am some guy magnet but I have had my pick. I spent a lot of time trying to evaluate why I picked the A-holes I did. I honestly believe the pickings are pretty slim. I have strange tastes but at this point in my life I need certain things from a man. I have good/bad list of course. I wish one thing on my list was not the need for a marriage. I really wish I wasn't wired that way. BUT - I am. And I have to face the possibility that he may not be. But that is what this about. there are a couple things to know about Jack that night contribute to this situation. One is a strange family/parental dynamic. But the big one is actually pretty basic. He has been almost PAINFULLY shy his whole life. He has gone through classes and books and did things just to stop being shy. His dating experience is practically zero. I don't think when he met me he was ready for the relationship he found. I don't think that means he isn't marriage material. In fact he admits that he does want that. I think this caught him off guard. And now he has to either accept that his dating days are over (all of us that have reentered dating know that is no loss LOL) or go out and face new possibilities. In that case I will feel sorry for him because it SUCKS out there LOL.

He still maintains that this a "pace" issue. We shall see. I have another friend who just went through all this too - similar scenerio. But I have to say the guy seemed like a self-serving kind of guy. I don't think Jack is. Does this make a difference who knows. I suppose you learn as you go.

I am not interested in dating anyone until I am over this and I will start that process within the next month or so. No big deal. Like anything else you just have to cross that bridge when you come to it. :( But who knows. :)

That didn't even make sense to me so don't feel bad - call that thinking out posting LOL

Laura

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