Here's what happened.
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| Fri, 08-06-2004 - 3:30pm |
I hadn't heard from Mark in 5 days, and he hadn't responded to any messages that I left for him. I called Wednesday night, and he answered the phone. He told me that he was going through a rough time with family and work situations, and he didn't feel like talking to anyone. He explained to me what was going on. Given all his current problems, I didn't want to be accusatory or confrontational. I was very nice, but I did ask him if he still was in touch with his ex. He said yes, then he changed the subject. I asked him why, and he gave me no answer and changed the subject. Then I asked him if he had seen her. Again he said no but quickly changed the subject. He was very evasive, and I didn't get a good feeling about it. I wanted to ask so much more, but I didn't want to press him at that point. I told him that we needed to talk about some issues. I told him that when he was out of his funk to give me a call and that given his current state of affairs that I would just give him some time and space. We talked for a while, but things were really strained. I knew something was up, but I wasn't getting clear answers anyway, so I decided not to push it. He admitted to me that he hadn't been very nice to me lately, which is true. He was supposed to meet me for lunch last Friday, he never showed up and he never called. Then he said we would do lunch this week, still nothing. He's been breaking dates also. He would say we would get together on the weekend, and then something would come up. Sometimes he would tell me what he was doing, and sometimes he wouldn't. The last time I saw him was the first weekend in June. The last two times I didn't have the kids, he was out of town. But on the weekends I have the kids, it would never be a problem for me to get a sitter for the evening to go out for dinner, etc. He never suggested that. He promised me two weeks ago that without a doubt we would get together this weekend. That's not going to happen. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that for some reason, he doesn't want to be with me. He's not talking, so I don't know what the reason is. My gut tells me it's either: (a) he's back with his ex; (b) he has someone else that he's seeing; (c) he doesn't want to commit to me. We agreed when we met that we would take things slow, and I was OK with that. But things aren't progressing slowly, they have completely stalled. I was more than willing to give us time to grow, but were not growing. This relationship is hemoragging, badly. (It's taken me a lot of courage to admit that to myself). I would love to have the opportunity to find out what's going on. If I had that opportunity, I would ask him where he sees this relationship going -- what are his plans for us. I was willing to give him time (I had a date set in my mind) but in light of what's been going on the past month, there really doesn't seem to be any point. All that will do is prolong the inevitable. I think he has a commitment problem. I thought that in time that might resolve, but I don't think that any more. He can't even seem to answer a simple question or keep a date. My gut feelings really kicked in during that conversation, and when I hung up the phone, I knew it was over. And, I really don't expect to hear from him either. I have never met a man that has had the guts to tell me that it's over. It would be so much easier for him just to stop calling, then I would get the hint, and he wouldn't have to explain himself. You know what, it really doesn't matter. It would actually be easier for me if he just didn't call. I really don't need to know the details, especially if there is someone else in his life. Some things are better off not being known. I can't say that I wouldn't like the chance to try to work things out, but if he doesn't want to commit to me and no one else, there's really no point. No relationship ever works when there is only one person trying. I've walked that road too many times.
The worst part of all of this is that he is a really nice guy. You would definitely like him if you met him. It would be so much easier if he was a big jerk. We shared some great times together, and I will miss him. I feel like I just lost my best friend.
I've been in this situation before, and unfornuately, it never gets any easier. With my past history, you would think I would be used to this by now. It still hurts, no matter how many times it's happened before. This one's hard for me because I really thought we had potential. It's unfortunate he wasn't on the same page that I was.
Donna

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Donna, I'm so sorry.
I'm really very sorry. I know what you mean when you say that you really like this guy and thought the relationship had potential. I feel that way about my SO, but in the back of my mind I know it could blow up at any minute. I've never been successful in picking men.
He broke too many dates with you and made himself unavailable when you were free. My best advice to you is to not talk to him if he does call you back. The fact that he talked to his ex and not you in 5 days. He didn't return your messages. He stood you up. He might be a nice friendly guy, but you're right when you say he has a problem with commitment. You don't need that.
I still believe that he will call you back if you absolutely do not try to have any further contact with him. It might be a year from now. But, he'd still call again some day. From what you've said though, he'd only hurt you again and again. If I were you, I'd deal with the loss now and try to forget this guy. I hope I'm not hurting you with my words. That's not my intent at all.
Tricia
Donna, I am so sorry. BIG BIG hugs to you. You are right. It does take a ton of courage to admit to yourself when a relationship is done.
I know you feel like you've been kicked in the gut. But I know too that you'll heal and move on. I am sorry this is the story to tell, but proud of you for asking hard questions.
You certainly did not offend me. My sister, who has the same name as you, said the same thing you said. I told myself last night that I would not call him. Yes, I would love the chance to figure this out, but at my age (almost 39), I refuse to chase anybody. The hardest part for me will be if he calls me and acts like nothing is wrong and tries to sweet talk me. I prefer no call at all. That's easier to deal with. But, if he happens to call, which I'm not counting on, I want answers to my questions like I outlined in my post. But, like I said, it has been my past experience that the men I have dated and have been hurt by in the past haven't been able to call and face the music. They either didn't call or had someone else do it for them. I don't expect Mark to be any different. It's too easy to take the coward way out. His words haven't matched his actions. Before we ended our conversation, he told me that he loved me, and I was wonderful, and a great person and beautiful. Know what I said? I said, "So what, what difference does that make". Words are empty if they aren't followed up with actions. Believe me, I know you and my sister are absolutely right. I need to give this up, forget this guy and move on. But what my sister doesn't understand, and what I know you and other single moms who have been through a similar experience know, once a relationship ends, then you have to deal with the loss of not having that person around to talk to and to be with. Sure, like my sis said, I have a lot to keep me busy. But honestly, does anyone ever say that they actually look forward to house cleaning or grocery shopping like they would say that they are looking forward to a date? I don't think so. My sister has never been alone. That said, she can't know what it feels like. Only people on this board can. To me, that's the hardest part. When my kids are with me, it will be no problem. But when they are at their dad's, it will be harder. It's been a long time since I had to deal with that, and it will be an adjustment. I will have to re-train myself how to be alone without being lonely. What keeps me going is that I keep telling myself that I deserve better than this. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me and wants to spend time with me andmy kids (and I don't mean this in an arrogant way at all). I just think that I've paid by dues with bad relationships, and I deserve to have a good one, sometime.
Thanks again for your response and have a good weekend.
Donna
You are certainly going through a tough time right now. Sorry to hear that it didn't work and that he is being evasive and not a nice person. You certainly deserve more than that.
I would say from your story that he has found someone else or doesn't want to be with you any more. Don't knock yourself for this - it is his loss in the end, much more than yours.
Most men are like this when it comes to ending a relationship. They don't want to be responsible to break bad news and hurt your feelings so they just act bad hoping you will do it. I hope you can have closure now and move on.
Remember what Maggie said about Mr. Right - he views you as Ms. Right and will treat you much better than this. I think you should take the time in a few weeks, when you feel a little better/stronger, to write down the story about this relationship. Maybe you will see things in the beginning that were predictive of his behavior now? Or maybe you won't. We cannot always predict the future.
There is nothing wrong with you - it is so tricky to find a nice guy - and this is for women of all ages, single, divorced, with or without kids. Don't beat yourself up - put your head up high and forget about him.
You might even have the last say, anyway, because he will probably come back in a year when you are over him.
Hugs to you!!
Big hugs Donna.
Of course it still hurts.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It is devasting to lose someone that you have loved. Take the time to grieve this relationship...and do exactly what you have discussed.
Take some time for you...and your children. Do not feel guilt for the ending of this relationship...he ended it in with his reprehensible behavior.
You are not alone in wondering how to fill the aching void in your heart, to feel happy again. My children are with their dad for half of the week...and I'm not working at this time, due to an accident...so I have a lot of "time" on my hands. I have been divorced for a little over a year now...and had attempted the dating thing again, only to discover that I needed to work on me. So I am doing the same that you have outlined for yourself...taking time for myself.
Be gentle to yourself, pamper yourself...renew you, Donna. This is a time when you need to treat yourself with extra loving kindness.
Know that you have friends here to lean on...and support you...anytime.
Be well,
Jennifer
I also love this line "Sure, like my sis said, I have a lot to keep me busy. But honestly, does anyone ever say that they actually look forward to house cleaning or grocery shopping like they would say that they are looking forward to a date?". You are absolutely right with that line. I'm married now, and very happily, but I do remember those times.
Keep on being honest with yourself and don't settle for anything less than what you want and are looking for. You will Find It!
Hugs, Marilyn
CL-Entrepreneurial Women
Business Impressions, LLC
Now, to business. I have had this happen too. (not with my current guy but most men act how Mark has). Generally I end up seeing them 6 months to a year later and get the REAL scoop. Mostly it has always been the same problem - themselves! Don't take it personally. Trust me - he wasn't that nice if you even have a tiny microscopic thought that he might have been with some other woman. He is rude (by not calling you) and a jerk (be avoiding you) SOOOOO - he isn't that nice a guy RIGHT? This is HIS problem and not you. I doubt that his issue is commitment. I am sure it is something else. But either way - it isn't you at all. It is a problem he had before he met you and you can bet he still has it now. Celebrate the fact that you don't have to put up with it!
And if you met my second husband you would think he was a great guy - even my parents thought he was a great guy. Everyone loved him- funny charasmatic (sp?) - you name it. He is in prison now - need I say more?
Laura
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