Ok, time for a pep talk!

Avatar for mandymi
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Registered: 05-20-2003
Ok, time for a pep talk!
21
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 5:25am

Would some of you mind




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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:34am
Mandy, you're right! It IS hard. Plus trying to decide if the guy is worth leaving your child with a sitter or family member for the night is the toughest part. I guess I was lucky I lived near family so Dylan was always with someone I trusted if I went out on a date. Mostly, I went out with friends sometimes to get out and my parents begged me to let D stay with them.

I dated a few guys casually, once or twice and then had a couple of brief relationships. No one seemed to be bothered that I had a son and only two people actually met Dylan. Zac did mostly because he popped over once while D was home and he had his DD with him so they played while we talked. I figured since they got along so well, it was fine if he continued to come over while Dylan was around. As for Shane, my fantastic DH, he met D while we were friends. I'd stop by his work to bug him and I'd have Dylan along with me that afternoon. I didn't work weekends and he works Saturdays, so I'd go tease him that I was off and he wasn't. LOL! We'd sometimes go have lunch those days and hang out a while. He was always great to Dylan. Gave him balloons and his co-workers were throwing the football with him and tackling him in the showroom. Dylan really liked Shane. Once we finally got together, I knew it would be okay. Dylan was used to him being around and often asked for him if he hadn't been by in a few days. Getting engaged and making the decision to live together and start our lives as a family was not difficult at all!!

Hugs!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:59am
Hi Mandy,

This is the $64 million dollar question that MOST women want to know!!!

I had an interesting discussion with my son's summer camp counselor this morning. She is the mother of 2 children and is currently 42. 10 years ago her ex left her and their 2 kids for another woman so she was divorced in her early 30's. She is a tennis instructor and that is how she met her current husband, to whom she has been married for 9 years and is still happy.

Her advice is that it is better to look for an older guy whose kids are already grown and he has a lot of money and is really ready to settle down and WANTS to be married. She said that she was happily single, supporting herself and wasn't really ready to meet someone or be married again and BOOM. Magic struck her and she met her current husband, who was her tennis student. He had been divorced for a while but really wanted to be married and adored her. So here she is.

She also said that it helps if he is older and has the experience, especially with children and ex husbands. He adores her because she is younger and more athletic and he keeps her very happy.

She feels that most of her divorced friends are looking at the wrong age group because the guys in their 30s are either a) something is wrong with them since they haven't married yet or b) they are carrying around younger children and an ex wife like a ball and chain and are not really able to have a happy relationship.

That is just one person's opinion but maybe something for all of us to discuss/mull over our coffee this morning.

I must admit it threw me a little bit because I like a guy who is younger than me and in his 30s.

I think that we all have to keep an open mind and what works for one person does not necessarily work for another.

But she did say life is much easier when the man really wants to marry you and has the money and wisdom to take care of you. She could never depend on her ex because he would sway from totally neglecting his kids to wanting full custody of them. She said the situation would change every year and you should never get comfortable with it ever.

Tennis anyone?? ;-)

Avatar for mandymi
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Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 11:28am

ROFL, guys in the 30's are defective?




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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:17pm
Dating wasn't difficult for me, as I have shared (50/50) custody with my ex. Every other week for an entire week, my ds is not with me. Dating was GREAT - especially in the beginning, because it took my mind off not being there 24/7 with ds. And, because my parents have always been my son's ONE constant, he spent one night during my week with them. So I had LOTS of time to date.

My dh and I were introduced by a friend at Friday Night Happy Hour at a bar. We hit it off immediately. It took another 4 weeks before we met up again . . . and the rest is history . . . LOL!

And . . . my dh is 11 years my senior, divorced, with two older kids.

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 1:33pm

Hang in there Mandy. It'll get better and something will fall into line for you without your having to push too hard. I know it did for me!


I met J at work, of all places. When he walked through the door on his first day I thought "Hmm...cute." and then the very next thought was "NO Becky! We do NOT date co-workers" so I just went on my way with getting him set up as a new employee. Running all of the paperwork and such.


He was actually around the office for a few days (He's an electrician and generally speaking the work is in the field somewhere, not in the office. But we were remodeling and he was put on the job in here) and he teased/firted constantly! I guess I did too. And somewhere in there, another co-worker (who was married, but I know likes me and liked to date me "vicariously" by setting me up as often as possible) arranged for us to all go to lunch.


I didn't usually go with the guys, and wondered if J was interested in my going, or if it was all this co-workers doing, but I went anyway.


J had a half day of work that day. Was going on home to pack and move into a new apartment after lunch. So, he ordered a beer. I remember teasing him for barely making it till noon, and he put on an attitude about it and said he didn't follow rules anyway. I thought "oh, great. For sure no way on this guy. He's trouble" I also somehow got the correct impression that he was a partier, but coming out of that lifestyle. I wasn't planning on touching him with a ten foot pole. But then I made a comment about the golf match on TV, and that I'd like to learn how to hit a golf ball. He jumped in and offered to take me.


He followed up with that offer a week later and set a time to pick me up. We went and had a beer (I was still thinking, "This is JUST for fun. This guy is obviously living a different lifestyle than I am.") and hit some balls and then went out for ice cream and just walked around downtown. Talking non-stop. We really hit it off. I thought "Ok, this could be fun once or twice"


But somehow, even though I tried to plan it so he DID NOT see Tyler, he met him before our second date started. He was early and my sister didn't get out of the house with him in time. And Tyler LOVED him. J loved Ty, and they were wrestling instantly. And I was a sucker. I loved seeing them interact.


Most of my original estimations of J were true. But he was DEFINITELY on a pattern for changing his life around. I came in right at the beginning, so it was scary at times. He was ready to grow up, I guess you could say.


We had WAY WAY more interaction with Tyler early on than I would have cared to have. If I had it to do over, I would have waited. Though it was certainly valuable to know that he was going to be loving and caring (and firm. I needed someone to be a firm hand, so I could just be MOM once in a while, know what I mean?) stepdad. It was obvious that even though he'd never had a child of his own, he would make a great dad.


We didn't date without Ty nearly as much as I'd recommend to someone else. I regret the way I did it, because I felt pulled into the relationship more permamantly and more quickly that I wanted to. If that makes any sense. Obviously in retrospect, it worked out just fine. And really, I'd have run far and fast several times during our dating relationship because I was SO danged independant that at times having an SO was a real cramp in my style.


I had a VERY nice compliment at the ball game yesterday. The guy next to us (who spoke to me the INSTANT J got up for beer or to go to the bathroom, and immediately shut up when he came back. It was too funny. He was never inappropriate and never flirted. But he just wanted to talk when J went away. LOL)somehow got me breifly talking about Ty, and his age and then about the fact that J hasn't been in the picture for more than 3 years. He seemed very surprised and said he'd never have guessed by the way we all interact that my DH wasn't there from day one raising his son. That's always so nice to hear, and it made J feel good to hear that too.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 3:09pm
You can meet men online. I know that doesn't sound appealing at all, but that's how I met my SO. If you meet someone online, you need to meet their friends ASAP. That way you know they are legit. My SO has lots of friends (good sign) and he introduced me to them within the first couple of months of dating.

Also, don't write off the 30-something guys who have never been married. My guy is 38 and never been married. At first, I wasn't sure about him because I thought maybe there's something wrong with him. Why hasn't he been married??? Then, I decided to give him a chance. Everybody is different. I didn't plan on being divorced and a single mom...but that's what happened. Same with my SO. He figured he would have been married by now and had kids, but it didn't work out that way. We're enjoying each other now and we'll see how it goes. We've been dating for 6 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 5:29pm

I'm glad that things worked out that way for Tennis Lady and that she's happy, but let me tell you that money and "being taken care of" can be as much a prison as anything else

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 7:40pm
That is so true. I have dated guys with money and even lived with one - his house was like a cold marble mansion.

I would rather have a small shack that is hot hot!! :-)

Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 6:28am

Hmmm golf... well, I have my own clubs, so I can't exactly pretend I don't know how to swing a club... although I can't pitch to save my life and have actually had to pick up the ball so I don't throw my wedge around, if that makes any sense...


Awww, Becky, the guy at the ballgame must've warmed your heart... great to hear!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:51am
OK, I'm sticking my very opinionated nose in here on the issue of age difference.

For one thing, life is short and uncertain. Men die earlier than women statistically. People are active much later in life. It's not at all a given that you'd be wheeling someone around. I think you're planning WAY too far ahead on that one. :)

That said, you're a very mature woman, no matter your age. You know what you want, you're smart, have a career, don't take BS. That's going to count a lot of guys out.

I've realized since hooking up with trav that LOTS of guys were just scared of me...I'm too damned smart by half. And I wouldn't have respected them enough to even be nice to them, let alone LOVE them.

MY very biased opinion, you are a strong personality and you need someone you totally respect to make something work. Age, race, etc are going to take back seat to the "can I respect him" issue. That's how it's been for me.

OK (jumping off the soapbox)... :)

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