Inappropriate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Inappropriate?
7
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:53am
Hello, I was wondering about everyone's opinions/experiences on something.

We were at a family dinner the other day, my daughter (11), fiance and my mother and stepfather. At one point, kidding around, my fiance swatted my daughter on the butt. As a single mom, I've always been very aware of watching for inappropriate behaviour, but didn't see this in that way (it was quick, not hard, not a grab). My daughter didn't think anything of it. My mother and stepfather were very upset. They felt it was completely inappropriate (mom was molested as a child and tends to be a worrier). My fiance has neices and nephews that he kids around with all the time and treats my daughter the same way. Obviously, I don't want anyone acting inappropriate with my daughter, but I also don't want their relationship to be unnatural or for them to feel constantly uncomfortable around each other. Right now, my daughter is comfortable around him, acts towards him the way she does to her uncles, or her friends dads.

How do your husbands/SO's interact with your daughters? Are they very formal - no hugging, touching of any kind? Do they treat her the same way a birth father would?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 10:09am
Personally, I think it's fine. Shane does the same thing with my son and it's all in fun. It's like they do at athletic events. Grown men swatting each other's behinds. Kinda creepy for grown men, but anyway....Dylan and Shane might be playing and as Dylan runs out of the room, Shane might catch him on the rear just goofing off. They wrestle and tackle each other, Dylan runs into the living room and Shane will grab ahold of him and pull him up on the chair in a playful wrestling kind of way. He tickles Dylan and they sit quietly together in the chair watching TV sometimes. They've bonded well. I'm not uncomfortable at all witht their relationship or the way Dylan is touched by Shane. It's never in inappropriate places or in a sexual manner. I think your fiance' is just being playful like that. My advice is to just watch and see what you observe and if you're DD is ever unhappy with the way she's handled by him, then that's the time to be concerned. And if you're a little bothered by it, don't leave them alone until you feel better about things.

Mel

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:04pm
I misread the post the first time around and I understood that he was disciplining her.

I absolutely think his behavior towards her was inappropriate. If he was a boy in my campus, he would be in the dean's office getting an earful about sexual harrassment and getting suspended for two days for his first offense. I don't know what the difference is between a pat, a grab or a spanking and why it would make a difference to you.

My SO is very hands on and affectionate with both my DD and DS. They hug and cuddle on the couch watching tv or reading, but touching their tush? I'm with your mom: not appropriate. I really believe that he treats them as their birth father would, but he's NOT the birth father. Children are molested by children the family knows and trusts a LOT...it's so prevalent that there are government agencies for this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:10pm
I've just read this whole book about young adolescent women (School Girls: Young Women, Self-Esteem, and the Confidence Gap) and the mixed messages they get about sex and their sexuality...this is the kind of thing that would be confusing to them, like they wore or did something to 'ask' for this treatment. She's not going to necessarily speak up and 'accuse' her mom's fiance. I totally get it when athletes pat each other on the butt, that's a guy thing. But I don't think this is at all the same thing.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:46pm

Hmmm...we've got two completely different replies on this, which I found interesting.


Personally, I don't know what I think. I HATE the paranoia we can have these days about sexual harrasment. It takes things that are completely innocent and turns them into lawsuits, which I find troublesome. I still give my DS (10) a slap on the butt from time to time, in teasing. I have NO discomforts with it whatsoever. And when he and my DH wrestle, if J gets him in position for a slap, he's getting one there too. I guess we all do it in our household and it's just not a thing we're uncomfortable with.


But the fact that she's 11 and that

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 1:10pm
Thank you for all the replys.

While my daughter may not make accusations, if she was uncomfortable I would know. Her and I are very close, and she's never had any problem letting me know when she doesn't want to be around someone, or doesn't like something. Also, her behaviour changes when something bothers her.

Since she did not react at all to the incident (not bothered or uncomfortable), I didn't think much about it until the comments of my mom. I don't want to over-react and put my daughter in a position of feeling uncomfortable around my fiance, or being overly conscious of every move; but I don't want to under-react either. I'll probably mention to my fiance to be more careful of how he acts with her, to make sure theres no question.

I would be more uncomfortable with them cuddling on the couch than with a quick swat on the butt.

As for discipline or not, he did it when she refused to pick up something off the floor for my mother, but it was done playfully - not hard enough to be punishment. I don't spank my daughter for punishment.

I remember reading something about the confusion girls feel at this age. Often, as they begin to develop, the adult men in their lives (dads, grandfathers) begin acting differently with them - less affectionate, more distant - and it causes a lot of confusion. Inside they are still children and they feel uncertain about developing and resent the changes that made these people act differently towards them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 2:57pm
I'm not a touchy feely person. If I had an 11-yr-old daughter, I might slap her on the butt in a playful way. I'm not sure. But, I definitely would not slap my fiance's kid on the butt.

I can see why your mom and stepdad got upset. Grandparents are very protective when a new person is introduced into the grandchild's life. My SO is very outgoing and likes to play sports. He hasn't met my son yet, but I imagine it would creep my family out if he rough housed with my son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:44pm

I'm the mother of a teen daughter with a new hubby in our home.