Guy needs advise ... please :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Guy needs advise ... please :)
22
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 10:24am
Hi there. Well, I'm hoping the single mothers out there can help me out. I would really love to date and get to know this girl I've become pretty friendly over the past 5 months. She's a single mom, and I see her maybe 1-2 times a week (just for an hour or two). Now, I think there is "something there" between us, and personally want to take it to the next level (dinner, a movie, etc.). But here's my problem. She recently, and candidly, told me that there is another guy that's been constantly asking her out, but she's afraid to date right now, so she always declines. That, obviously, puts me off a bit. Actually, stopped me in my tracks. Now, I understand her hesitations, but not sure what to do. So, I guess my question to this forum is how to make this girl comfortable with wanting to go out and date again (preferably me) :)

OK, here's something I'm thinking about doing ...

One thing that I know REALLY made her smile was my remembering her son's birthday. He turns 4 this week. Now, I plan to buy him a little something (a fun toy), but I also plan to write his mom a little letter letting her know that I would love to get to know her better ... when she's ready ... to take her out to dinner, etc. What do you guys think of this approach?

Any advise would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you all so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:00am
Can I ask you how old you are and how old she is? How is it that you are seeing her 1 to 2 times a week? Are you going to lunch or something? Does she initiate contact or do you?

I think it's a bad sign that she's talking to you about another guy always asking her out. If I wanted a man to ask me out, I wouldn't talk to him about another guy. It sounds like she views you as a 'friend'. You can turn this situation around by becoming a little less available to her. Yes, less is more. If you're supposed to see her one day, then find some reason to not make the meeting. This will disappoint her in some way. Then, the next time you do meet, be friendly as always. Give a little contact, then pull back.

About the son, I don't think I'd buy a present at this time. It was enough that you acknowledged his birthday. First, you need to turn this 'friends' thing around. You need to get her to want you. For me, it's a big turn off if a guy tries to get in my good graces through my son (age 5). good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:54am
I think that is very sweet. I have had a guy that has done the same thing. In my case though I feel we don't have the commonalities - I think he wants a family bad and that is his motive. I think your approach is good and too not push he is good. Obviously her last relationship was tramatic and she most likely will be not trustworthy. If you keep going how you are she will open up in her own time if it is right. In that letter you give her I would tell her why you want to know her better and what your goal is. Hopefully it is falling in real love and then helping her through life and that includes forming a bond with her son and having a real stable and loving family based on trust and friendship. Keep sex out of it as long as you can but don't let her think that you don't find her attractive. Try to remember that right now she is fragile. Beware that this could frighten her at first. Just stay steady for her and things will fall into place if they are meant to. Either way be her friend because she needs that more than anything right now. Keep her needs in mind. :)

Good luck and let us know how it goes. I give you big Kudos for coming here and reaching out to make sure you are doing the right thing. There should be more men like you :)

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:03pm
Rspectfully I have to disagree (and confuse the guy more) and here is why. Since I had my daughter I have had a guy friend that was always there for me. We had been friends a long time before that. I was dating - I talked to him about my dates and he was always the one that was there for me. I fell in love with him. I already did love him. But when it came down to it he freaked and said that he didn't want to be a dad and I said fine and when he came back saying he was mistaken I told him tough. It hurt me that bad.

This may be her way of saying to you that she might not be ready to date you yet but she likes the contact and the friendship. Making yourself less available in my opnion will only upset her. At the end of the day the guy that hangs in there and gives of himself DOES win. Don't play that game of pulling away. That seems like screwing with her emotions and I wouldn't be too happy about it. Let her have control because she obviously has been a situation wher she felt she had none. With me having control gives me confidence and trust in something and I find myself a lot more willing to give it up if it is given to me freely. Be a friend. Don't push her. I think you will win out in the long run if there is any kind of attraction.

On that note maybe you should just wait and the opportunity will come. But do give her son a gift. DON'T use her son to get to her though. Does that make sense?

Again good luck :)

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:18pm

Hi, good guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:19pm

I think remembering her son's birthday is a great thing!

Kim

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:48pm

Definitely have to agree, do it for the right reasons if you're going to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:49pm
Thank you all for the words of wisdom ... although I'm still confused (lol). Oh well, all I really want is to let her know that I would love to take her out and get to know her better. But, I'm afraid she hears that all too often ... I just don't want to be "another one asked me out" type of a guy. BUT, I definately do not want to make it seem like I'm using her son to get to her. I'm TOTALLY not about that and would never do that. In my minds eye, getting to know one's child will mature over time (as you build a trusting relationship with Mom). So, I'll answer some of your questions ... maybe it will help:

* I'm 36 and she is 27.

* She works at a restaruant that I frequent.

* We've become close and have briefly chatted about her son, but I do not know him at all.

* She's promised me a picture of him ... but has not delivered yet. I don't ask.

* I think she can trust me ... she thinks I'm definately nice.

* As our conversations are just fun, I've not "probed" anywhere near her past relationships. She has not really offered much. I'm not sure if she was ever married or what happened. I think that this would eventually come up as we started to date (hopfully) :)

Anyway, last night I kinda mentioned that I'd like to buy her son a gift for his b-day. She seemed OK with that, and thought it was a nice gesture. But now, do I follow through? YIKES ... maybe that was a mistake. Oh well ...

Anyway, I feel that it's time for me to "lay my cards out on the table". To graciously tell her that I'd love to take her out and get to know her better. If I don't get out what I'm thinking and feeling, I'm afraid I'll never have the chance. And, I'll just leave it at that.

Is it true that nice guys always finish last?

Grrrrrrr ... this is all so tough! Well, thanks again and keep the advise coming. I listen to ALL of it and ALL opinions and thoughts are welcome.

Enjoy the rest of the day.

Oh yeah, if I do write her a little note ... I want to keep it short and sweet. Not to go on-and-on. I know some of you think that this may not be the best idea, but, if I do do this, what do you all suggest I write in the card? Also, if I do buy a gift (which I probably will since I've already dropped the bomb on this), what should I write in the son's card?

One more thing ... if you REALLY think all of this is a bad idea, how can I recover from what I said last night?

THANKS AGAIN !!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:14pm
All of the information is very helpful!

I have about the same age difference with my husband . . . .

And no, it's not true that nice guys always finish last. Not even close.

Now . . . onto the subject at hand.

Ditch the note idea. Next time you see her, simply tell her "I'd really like to take you to dinner, is good for you?" All she can say is no.

As far as the gift, since you have now mentioned it - I would get him something small and simple, a coloring book and new crayons, a new book, a set of trucks, and I wouldn't attach a card at all. Most 4 year old boys don't read! A very simple "Happy Birthday! Agoodguy" would be more than enough.

Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:16pm


I think it's not that it's necessarily a bad idea to want to take her out. But you need to be up front. She's expressed not being "ready". IF you aren't going to be satisfied with just friends, then leave her be.

It is odd to get someone's son a toy unless you are a friend of the family, which you aren't yet. From my point of view as a mother of three, I'd be suspicious of your motives.

The way things like this work best is if each person has the OTHER person's best interests at heart, and neither has an agenda. You want to date her, that's nice, she'll take it as a compliment if she thinks you're a nice guy. That doesn't mean you can get her to reciprocate.

My own son asked me this recently. He asked a girl he's interested in if she wanted to go do something together, she said "sure, just as friends". He asked me how to "move things along"...I told him "kiddo, if you can't be just friends with her, don't go there. You can't convince her to feel differently. On the other hand if you CAN be a real friend, something could develop later."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 3:14pm

Good info!


O.K, like someone else said, ditch the note idea (for now)

Kim

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