Positive Steps

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Positive Steps
7
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:21pm
Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I'm feeling a little better today. Each day gets easier. I thought I would share some positive steps that I am taking to get through my recent break up.

As I wrote in another post, my biggest fear is when I don't have my children. So, I've come up with a plan. I'd like to spend one weekend on a house project, and then the other weekend trying to do something fun like do a movie or dinner out. That way, I'll get things accomplished at home, but I will also give myself a break so I don't get bored with it. I know this sounds pretty simple, but to me, it's a big deal. I suffer from depression. Three years ago, when my sister ran off with my BF, I slipped into a deep, dark depression for months, which was like being in a black hole. It took me a long time to get out of that hole, and I know I never want to be back there again. I have to be careful so I don't do down that slippery slope again. Recognizing it is the first step, and coming up with a plan is the second step. So, I have a plan (yeah me). It should be easy to follow except for the fun part. I'm sort of embarrassed to say that I don't have many friends. I lost most of my friends through my divorce, and the ones that stayed with me have drifted away over the past seven years. I was hoping to meet other single moms that I could associate with. Believe it or not, that hasn't been easy. I asked my counselor on Monday if she knew of any singles organizations that I could belong to. She found me some, and I looked them up yesterday. None of them were in my area. Then I started looking on the net. Most of those were computer-type organizations like chat rooms, etc. I don't have a computer at home, so a live chat room at work would not be a good idea. I was pretty discouraged. Then, to top it off, yesterday I got an e-mail from a man that I hadn't heard from in over a year. He wanted to take me out. I declined. He's married, and I used to work with his wife. Not a good idea. I was pretty down. I thought, why do only married men want to date me? I did some more searching this morning, and I found a group in my area that has meetings and social events for single parents, alone and with their kids. The meetings are held about 20 minutes from my house. I think this is the thing I've been looking for -- an opportunity to meet other single people to share ideas and to socialize. That might make my fun weekends less of a challenge. In case anyone is interested, I did a search on Yahoo. I put in "single parents in Illinois" (that's where I live) and I came up with several options. That's how I found the place by my house. I'm so excited, I feel like a kid with a new toy.

I'm trying very hard to make this break up different from all the others and I'm trying hard to take care of myself. It's over, but it's not the end of the world. Thanks for listening.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 3:30pm
Donna, I'm glad you came up with so many good ideas. Best wishes

Tricia

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 4:13pm
Donna, that local social group only 20 minutes away sounds perfect!!
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 4:44pm

Donna, you are doing just awesome! It's great that you recognize you never want to be in that "black hole" again and are taking steps to be sure you don't go there. Your plans sound great.


For some reason, I never had the guts to jump in and join a singles group like that. I can't wait to hear how it goes for you. Keep us informed!

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:26pm

Kudos to you for being so proactive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 11:13pm
Donna,

These are great ideas - you sound like you have a very strong voice and are going to heal more quickly than you think. I admire you for that.

You might also try joining a gym and meeting people through group exercise. I have found that to be a very effective way to meet people. Also to keep an eye of what is going on in the community on weekends - fitness walks and runs are a great way to meet people. Things you have to get up early for are okay because then you have to go to bed early the night before. And exercise is a great way to feel better about yourself.

I find that going to the movies can be something good to do alone, along with shopping and eating in the food court of a mall. Bookstores with coffee shops are always good too. Also you might be surprised to find a lot of people in a Whole Foods Market shopping on the weekend. It is really fun to explore all the aisles and foods!!

Keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 6:17pm
Donna,

I read your post and I can relate, especially to the part about feeling down. I am, granted, in a different place from you. I am 54, been divorced since 1995, with two girls. One doesn't live w/me anymore, because her behavior when she was here was so unpredictable. I am a teacher and I get up at 5AM for work. Many times she would come in at 3AM. I also have a fourteen year old, naturally she doesn't have that much freedom yet but the time will come. It is so depressing not to have a good relationship with your kids. How old are your children?

I have dated but it isn't easy. I am not bad looking and look alot younger thsn I am. I am not stupid and I don't think I'd be embarrassed to be seen with me. But men my age seem to prefer the company of much younger women, and there aren't many women my age in my situation, at least not in my community. I like your idea about going on Yahoo and getting some ideas for single moms groups. I am definitely going to try it. The on-line thing, even though I would get plenty of responses, seems to be about people looking for sex. Well, sometimes I feel as if I have had enough of that too!! LOL

Good luck and I hope things improve.

Karen in NYC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 11:53am
Karen:

Thanks for responding. My twins just turned 7 (I can't believe it). My ex left when they were three months old, so even though I didn't file for divorce right away, I've been alone since 1997. The first three years were the roughest. I'm sorry to hear that you don't have such a good relationship with your one daughter. My are young yet. I'm sure things will get very difficult when they are teenagers. My twins are attached to me because after my ex left, for the first three years, he didn't see them much. When he met his current wife, he started taking them on a more normal schedule. But unfortunately, you can never take back time that you have lost. They used to hate going by dads, but they are getting better. But I know my daughter, if she was given a choice, would rather stay with me. She's like a little carbon copy of myself. She looks like me and acts like me (which is scary sometimes).

In your search for organizations for single parents, try PWP (parents without partners). Their website is parentswithoutparnters.org. I know they have chapters all over the country. When I was in high school, I babysat for a woman who was in that club and she loved it. I don't have a chapter near me, so that's why I put my state name in my search, and I was able to find some organizations that were close to me. I'm hoping to find other single moms to become friends with. I also figured that this was an alternative to on-line dating. I don't have a computer at home, so on-line dating is out for me right now. It kind of scares me anyway. I've only dated 3 men since my ex left 7 years ago, and they all turned into long-term relationship (2 yrs, 2yrs & 6 mos). But I never really actively pursued dating. It kind of just happened. The first man I dated belonged to my dad's fishing club, and my dad introduced us. The second man was a neighbor of mine, and the third was my mortgage broker, and he asked me out when he was helping me do a refinance on my house. I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't go out much. So I think unless I try to socialize with other single parents, I won't meet very many people. I figured it was worth a try. I'm the type of person who needs to keep busy. If I sulk around my house too much, the next thing I know I'll be back in that black hole that I fought so hard to get out of. I hope your computer search is successful and you find a club that you can be a part of. Good luck to you.

Donna