Wednesday Woes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wednesday Woes
9
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:05pm
Well, I need it today so I will just start..

About 2yrs ago my Aunt passed away. We were very close to her and my Uncle, she was like a second Mom to myself, sis and brother. Her death was and still is very hard on us including my Mom we just miss her so much. At the time she passed, I couldn't go to FL to the funeral, I was a single mom with 2 kids and no money and no sitter for the boys. My sister went to represent me and my family and my brother and his family and of course my mom and step dad were there. Last September, I went to visit my Uncle and went to where she was buried, I really felt I NEEDED to do that...very very hard on me. Back to the point, my mom called me last night leaving me a message saying that she has some news for me and to call her. So I did....well the news is, my Uncle is getting married to a women who has has been seeing for just about a year. I want him to be happy, I really do...I just feel so SAD, like it's the END to their marriage. I know no one could EVER take my Aunt's place but I am just saddened by this whole thing. My mom and sis are sad too! They will be married in the next couple of months and they will be coming for a visit in October. I just am grateful that we have time to adjust before they get here. I am happy please don't think I am heartless, I do love him and want him to be happy it's just hard for me!


Lori

Lori
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:22pm

Hugs Lori


I can understand your feelings.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:53pm

Lori,


Big BIG hugs to you. Those are a lot of emotions to sort through. But I've no doubt that they're completely normal. Hang in there.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:23pm
Everyone has their own time limit to adjusting to a break up, divorce or death. Two years may not be a long time to you, but may be too long to your uncle, does that make sense? I'm sure that you feel this pain on many levels, but your uncle is seeking happiness again in the face of this loss. No one can replace your aunt, she will always have a special place in everyone's hearts. Your uncle has found a new happiness and I'm happy for him, as I'm sure you are too.

So welcome this new woman into your life, not as a replacement to your aunt, but as a person who loves your uncle and is making him happy.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: snshne123
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 7:03am
That sounds like a very hard loss for you to go through.

At any rate, I think it is completely normal to feel the way you do. But I also think that if you give it a chance you might like his new wife and see her purpose and enjoy her, but without taking anything away from the memory of your aunt.

Good luck and hugs.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:39am

True on the time to grieve thing.


I think men in general take less time than women to move on from a lost spouse. I think they have more of a need to be taken care of, and while they don't love less than we do, I think they put less stock in all of the "emotions and feelings" than we do. It does allow them to move on more quickly than we might.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 11:10am
Thank you, but I still don't feel okay about this, it's going to take some time. My uncle is in his mid 70's and was with my Aunt for 50 yrs and they had no kids (we were it). My uncle was a very prominent Lawyer and Judge and my Aunt worked for him for many years. They had a great home, great life, their marriage is the one I hoped I would have. After she died, we found out just how CLOSE they were even after all those years, like before they would fall asleep at night, he would cuddle with her, and on Sunday's they would have a big healthy breakfast together. When she was sick, he could clean up after her, he would make sure she was taken care of. And when she died, he kept everything the way my Aunt would have had it. When I walked into the house in FL for the 1st time, I could feel my Aunts presence, their house was just HER (kind a freaky). I saw the pictures that she made, one she told my Uncle that when she dies she wants me to have it. There are others for my mom and sis but this particular one took her an enormous amount of time to make and wanted me to have it. I guess I just need to work through this, all my emotions came back to the surface with this news.

They were truly in love, something that a lot of people don't have because they settle, just like I did in my 1st marriage. I have learned and I have grown and I will not settle for anything less than what I deserve. I have true love with J, he is the one that I can and will grow old with, one that will treat me with the utmost respect for all of my life. I know my Aunt my guardian angel and I know she is happy that I finally have what she has wanted for me for so long.

After all this writing, I do feel a bit better. I am getting a card for them today to congratulate them. I am going to work at accepting his new life with someone other than my Aunt. I know he still loves her, there is NO DOUBT. This woman is nice, I didn't meet her, my mom did and she thinks she is nice outside of her kissing him in front of her and few other things she said that turned my mom. I also think that I feel this way because I don't see him and it's not normal to me yet. To him it probably is but not to us.

Thanks for your hugs and thoughts...I really appreciate it.

Lori
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 11:22am
"She is nice outside of her kissing him in front of her and few other things she said that turned my mom"... You have to understand that THIS woman didn't go through the loss you did, so try to give her a little break. I know it's hard to see your uncle with anyone new, but it happened. Give her a little more chance, don't be so quick to judge her. She did not come in to his life to dishonour your aunt's memory, she came in to his life to give him happiness again. You won't be able to see the good this woman can bring if you're walking in to meeting her with 3 strikes against her.

I'm just saying, be fair to her and give her a chance. You don't HAVE to like her as a person, but don't walk in with blinders on because of the loss YOU are not over.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 11:38am
She did go through this....loss of her husband...this is how they met through a support group. I think she could have backed off a little especially since it was the 1st time meeting my Aunt's sister (my mom). She needs to remember that they were together for 50+ years and that my mom grew up with my Aunt and Uncle not ever knowing my Aunt alone. My Aunt and my mother are 17 yrs apart.

I don't have blinders on and I am not judging her, I am taking this at face value. I am trying to accept this marriage for what it is which is companionship.

Lori
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 3:21pm
See here's the diferrence...

YOU and your MOM think she should have backed off. SHE loves this man and is comfortable showing it. She cannot read your mind and shouldn't have to. She wants to express her love for this man, and there's NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. So maybe instead of putting her down for that, your mom and yourself could express YOUR discomfort. I know that you and your mom don't want to accept the possibility that you have pre-judged this woman before meeting her, because you do not feel that you are that type of people. But this woman never had a chance and your mother would have found fault IN ANYTHING this woman said and or did because she's not ready to accept her yet.

Perhaps she could ask your uncle for a little more time to accept this new arrangement before seeing this other woman again. And if you do see her, letting your uncle know that you are uncomfortable with seeing this new woman displaying her affection for him. You need to learn who this new woman is in his life before you can accept her, I get that. I also get that your mother was a bit shocked, having only known her sister with your uncle. I think honesty about your feelings in this situation will make everyone more comfortable. Just sit down with your uncle and this new woman and say, "while I am happy that you two have found each other, I am still adjusting to this situation and would feel more comfortable if I didn't see the kissing and hearing about ___".

You don't want to start a war- that's not the intention. Just being honest about how you feel will allow them to understand where you are coming from. You don't want to say nothing and then have an "well you never liked her from the get go" fight.

Good luck, I hope that it all works out well.

Photobucket