Wednesday Woes
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| Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:05pm |
About 2yrs ago my Aunt passed away. We were very close to her and my Uncle, she was like a second Mom to myself, sis and brother. Her death was and still is very hard on us including my Mom we just miss her so much. At the time she passed, I couldn't go to FL to the funeral, I was a single mom with 2 kids and no money and no sitter for the boys. My sister went to represent me and my family and my brother and his family and of course my mom and step dad were there. Last September, I went to visit my Uncle and went to where she was buried, I really felt I NEEDED to do that...very very hard on me. Back to the point, my mom called me last night leaving me a message saying that she has some news for me and to call her. So I did....well the news is, my Uncle is getting married to a women who has has been seeing for just about a year. I want him to be happy, I really do...I just feel so SAD, like it's the END to their marriage. I know no one could EVER take my Aunt's place but I am just saddened by this whole thing. My mom and sis are sad too! They will be married in the next couple of months and they will be coming for a visit in October. I just am grateful that we have time to adjust before they get here. I am happy please don't think I am heartless, I do love him and want him to be happy it's just hard for me!
Lori

Hugs Lori
I can understand your feelings.
Lori,
Big BIG hugs to you. Those are a lot of emotions to sort through. But I've no doubt that they're completely normal. Hang in there.
So welcome this new woman into your life, not as a replacement to your aunt, but as a person who loves your uncle and is making him happy.
At any rate, I think it is completely normal to feel the way you do. But I also think that if you give it a chance you might like his new wife and see her purpose and enjoy her, but without taking anything away from the memory of your aunt.
Good luck and hugs.
True on the time to grieve thing.
I think men in general take less time than women to move on from a lost spouse. I think they have more of a need to be taken care of, and while they don't love less than we do, I think they put less stock in all of the "emotions and feelings" than we do. It does allow them to move on more quickly than we might.
They were truly in love, something that a lot of people don't have because they settle, just like I did in my 1st marriage. I have learned and I have grown and I will not settle for anything less than what I deserve. I have true love with J, he is the one that I can and will grow old with, one that will treat me with the utmost respect for all of my life. I know my Aunt my guardian angel and I know she is happy that I finally have what she has wanted for me for so long.
After all this writing, I do feel a bit better. I am getting a card for them today to congratulate them. I am going to work at accepting his new life with someone other than my Aunt. I know he still loves her, there is NO DOUBT. This woman is nice, I didn't meet her, my mom did and she thinks she is nice outside of her kissing him in front of her and few other things she said that turned my mom. I also think that I feel this way because I don't see him and it's not normal to me yet. To him it probably is but not to us.
Thanks for your hugs and thoughts...I really appreciate it.
I'm just saying, be fair to her and give her a chance. You don't HAVE to like her as a person, but don't walk in with blinders on because of the loss YOU are not over.
I don't have blinders on and I am not judging her, I am taking this at face value. I am trying to accept this marriage for what it is which is companionship.
YOU and your MOM think she should have backed off. SHE loves this man and is comfortable showing it. She cannot read your mind and shouldn't have to. She wants to express her love for this man, and there's NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. So maybe instead of putting her down for that, your mom and yourself could express YOUR discomfort. I know that you and your mom don't want to accept the possibility that you have pre-judged this woman before meeting her, because you do not feel that you are that type of people. But this woman never had a chance and your mother would have found fault IN ANYTHING this woman said and or did because she's not ready to accept her yet.
Perhaps she could ask your uncle for a little more time to accept this new arrangement before seeing this other woman again. And if you do see her, letting your uncle know that you are uncomfortable with seeing this new woman displaying her affection for him. You need to learn who this new woman is in his life before you can accept her, I get that. I also get that your mother was a bit shocked, having only known her sister with your uncle. I think honesty about your feelings in this situation will make everyone more comfortable. Just sit down with your uncle and this new woman and say, "while I am happy that you two have found each other, I am still adjusting to this situation and would feel more comfortable if I didn't see the kissing and hearing about ___".
You don't want to start a war- that's not the intention. Just being honest about how you feel will allow them to understand where you are coming from. You don't want to say nothing and then have an "well you never liked her from the get go" fight.
Good luck, I hope that it all works out well.