Food for thought, re infidelity
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Food for thought, re infidelity
| Wed, 08-11-2004 - 6:46pm |
I actually started thinking about this last night when dh and I were watching a Law and Order episode. And then it kind of came up again today when dh told me a friend's wife admitted to her husband at another friend's wedding that she'd been cheating on him for over a year. Anyway my question: do you think the fear of being cheated on is just one of those weird semi-universal insecurities? I mean, dh would never do that to me, I totally trust him, and I know the utter disgust he regards others with who do that, knowing that he would never risk what we have and that in fact he wasn't even comfortable when he was single and everyone knew with dating more than one person at a time with a casual relationship. And no one I've ever been with has cheated on me so it's not like I've got historical baggage about the issue to deal with. But still there are moments, and have been with anyone I've been with,(mostly when I hear stories about other couple's infidelities)when I feel just that momentary twinge of insecurity, like yes, everything's great now but what if 15 years from now he's really tired of me. And I especially at those moments don't feel that comfortable when I think of him out playing with girls trying to get him, hanging out with guys who are trying to pick up girls. It's totally silly for it even to cross my mind knowing how devoted my dh is and having no reason to ever think it would happen. So given all that, I wondered if it's something that everyone thinks about once in a blue moon even if it's highly unlikely they'll ever have to deal with it.

TT has never cheated in any past relationship, and regards people who cheat with a huge amount of disdain and judgment.
Yet, I sometimes wonder, if the right woman came along, if things at home weren't perfect, would he? Could he? And he's never been with any woman for longer than 7 years. When he and I hit our 8th year - is his ability and desire to be in a long term monogomous relationship going to suddenly vanish? What if one of his meeting planners hits on him (as happens all of the time - nothing quite like going out to dinner for a work function and having some strange beautiful woman walk up to you while you are with your dh and tell you "I'd take him off your hands in a heartbeat . . ." and walk away with a wink to your dh) and he thinks she is beautiful and the intimacy in our relationship isn't where it normally is . . . and he is a man after all . . . .
And the saying "never say never!" comes to mind . . .
And no one has ever cheated on me so I don't have any sort of historical baggage, either.
Most of the time, I'm 100% secure. Other times I think "man, are you GOOD at kidding yourself, girl! It's only a matter of time!" I have to push those thoughts out of my head.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
What caught my attention was, ". . . and he is a man after all . . . . "
Frankly, if I talked with either of your dh's, I am willing to bet that both of them would agree with me that the definition of a "man" would include believing in and living up to a sense of honor.
There are men who I trust because I know that they are honorable. I could not under any circumstances see that they would ever be unfaithful to their wives by breaking that sacred wedding vow.
Not all men are the mindless victims of their sexual desires, just as not all women are, either. I have known a lot of female cheaters as well as male, I have even suffered that in my own marriage. But what one person does does not apply to another person, especially when he/she is radically different in their values.
Even as a single man, several times I had some very attractive women whisper some very graphic come-ons in my ear, and I was not willing to take them up on it. Why? Because it didn't fit my value system. I think that there are a lot of men like that, and I also think that the guys that you two are with may well be in that catagory.
That said, the other question is, Why do you mistrust these guys? Because you have not known strong, value centered men in your early life? Arm chair analysis here, but I think that there is something in your lives and not in theirs that leads to that.
Your suspicions are not going to make him do it or drive him away, but it is probably going to make YOU pretty miserable sometimes. Find out what's behind it and see if you can deal with it.
Michael
But still there are moments, and have been with anyone I've been with,(mostly when I hear stories about other couple's infidelities)when I feel just that momentary twinge of insecurity, like yes, everything's great now but what if 15 years from now he's really tired of me.
Yep, me too. Don't know why. J can't understand it. (we've only talked about it once. I certainly wouldn't keep hammering him with this fear of mine) And you're right. It's just a "Twinge". A terrifying OMG, what IF????
I wish I didn't feel that way. I don't know why I do. I've never been cheated on. IN fact, J's the one who seems very confident and HE has been cheated on. Well, he thinks so anyway. His ex just left him overnight and was with someone else pretty quickly. Leaves you feeling pretty sure he was "the other man"
I wonder, do you think more women feel this way than men, simply because men know that they are the agressors and more in control? Actually if *I* were a man, I'd feel more worried than another of our kind could possibly swoop in and take our woman. Hmmm... interesting thought.
That said, the other question is, Why do you mistrust these guys? Because you have not known strong, value centered men in your early life? Arm chair analysis here, but I think that there is something in your lives and not in theirs that leads to that.
True observation. I think all of us girls who feel this way, KNOW it's all us.
And you know, my father has more integrity in his pinky finger than most men I've ever met have in their whole being. So, I HAVE had a strong value centered moral male in my life. The most important one.
I'll tell you what MY problem is. We've had this discussion here before, but I am not sure that you saw that thread. I don't trust MARRIED men. I get hit on by them constantly. It makes me wonder what MY DH is doing out there just for a moment, until I "duh!" hit myself on the forehead. And I've had affairs (VERY briefly with one, and it was sexual. The other slightly longer and not sexual) with married men. When I was single and available. I didn't cheat on someone on MY side, but these guys did. And my image of married men was shattered. Now, I am having to rebuild that.
I know that my DH is honorable. I don't believe he ever really could cheat on me. But it still tweaks. And I guess that IS my baggage now that I think of it. I've not been cheated on, but I've been party to someone else cheating and so I have been part of the dark ugly side of infidelity. As I was doing it, I remember thinking "Girl, you are SO stupid. What kind of a long term mess are you creating for yourself?" Well, this is part of it. And yep, it's pretty danged miserable at times.
I think more than anything, what is behind it (for ME) is the constant media portrayal that "men always cheat."
And I don't mistrust my dh. At all. I think when I have thoughts like those I mentioned - it's MY OWN self doubt - questioning MY OWN worth.
And actually - I'm not miserable over it at all. I'm pretty aware of what causes the self doubt and the insecure feelings, and I work on it. I have never once told TT "I fear one day you will cheat." I know he would view that as a MASSIVE character assasination.
And Michael - I think if you asked 100 women and they were ALL completely honest about it - 99 would admit to struggling with the same insecurity at times. I don't think we're out of the ordinary, at all.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
But keep in mind, women have tremendous pressure to be young, slim and beautiful. We're constantly bombarded with the idea (which intellectually we know and when were at our most clear headed in our hearts we know too is totally wrong and stupid)that's what our husband's really desire. And there's nothing I can do to stop myself from aging--I'm still slim and I've been told very attractive but I'm not as slim as I used to be and I'm certainly not as young. Dh dismisses all that as silly fears but sometimes I feel like that nonetheless. One of my dh's favorite quotes for me is from a poem that hangs in our living room, although I'm not sure I'll get it perfectly word for word, "many fears and dark imaginings are born of and fatigue".
Edited 8/13/2004 12:15 pm ET ET by comountainsprite
I was faithful, he wasn't. That's just a fact. So, the fact that men CAN and DO cheat (even though this one passed himself off as quite religious and honest for our whole 19 year married life) is certainly not a flaw in MY character or my view of the world. It was a fact and happened, thus I know it is possible. And you can't always tell who is lying about having values and who actually has them.
I think to a certain extent everyone may think about this once in a blue moon, but there is usually a reason for it...whether it is past experiences you had, insecurities with yourself or your relationship, a passing glance witnessed at the wrong moment, whatever the reason: there is one. I don't think it's just something universal that pops up for no particular reason.
Personally, I had some experience with cheating as a young adult but I don’t consider myself to have any “baggage” from that experience. It happened, and it was dealt with, and it’s over.
I have no insecurities at all with my SO. The thought of him cheating or potentially cheating never crosses my mind. It never crossed my mind with my ex-husband either.
BUT, it has crossed my mind with one other person I dated, in that situation, I was personally insecure with the relationship, with him, and with myself. Those were the reasons why I feared he might cheat if given the chance. I will never know if he actually did or not, but that’s part of why the relationship is over…it just wasn’t meant to be.