taking the wall down brick by brick

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
taking the wall down brick by brick
5
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:46pm
hi everyone...i'm new here. been on my own for three years, had a marriage oozing with infidelity (not mine) and left with trust issues coming out of my ears! spent the last three years building a very secure wall around myself, thank you very much. built a new life, made new friends, even had a few interesting liaisons along the way. in the last few months i have finally started to feel a bit lonely...not alone, because i have a wide circle of friends, but just like i might like something a little more meaningful in my life. so a few weeks ago i took a chance on this guy who has been making some overtures towards me in the last year. we actually had a long conversation courtesy of a friend of ours, about trust and relationships, and that encouraged him to pursue the issue, and his apparent understanding of my issues encouraged me to allow him 'over the wall'. which was great for about a week, until today i suddenly had a massive attack of vulnerability, which i despise in myself, and whipped out the polyfilla to repair the cracks in my wall. this poor guy did nothing to warrant my reaction, but some little issue triggered all of the crap from my past...that stuff that i swore had been resolved in therapy and support groups and through reading a zillion books. by lunchtime i had convinced myself that this was ridiculous and that i have no business getting involved with anyone. by dinnertime i had calmed down a bit, and had the chance to tell him what was going on with me....who knows how i will be by bedtime.

anybody else, particularly those with betrayals of any kind, had these kinds of difficulties moving on? intellectually i do think this guy can be trusted, i know him well and he is a good guy. i just can barely tolerate the fact that in order to really be in a relationship i have to accept some vulnerability on my own part, and that is excruciatingly difficult for me. but on the other hand, i know continuing shallow relationships where i feel like i can take it or leave it, is not going to bring me ongoing satisfaction. sigh. and i thought it would just be difficult to figure out access schedules when looking for a man!!!

louise
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:34pm
Welcome to the site. I'm an old hand here, but haven't been around much for the past 2 years or so. I've been busy getting my heart ripped out and stomped on like a watermelon under the wheel of a speeding pickup.

However, I do know what it's like to be cheated on. I was cheated on again and again for many years. When the marriage ended, I was not worried about it happening again. I have not been involved with very many women in the 8 years of divorce, but that was not about trust issues.

I believe that I have to expose my vulnerabilities in order to have a satisfying relationship. And when, as all but one of them will, that relationship ends, there is a lot of pain there. But I don't care. I'd much rather take the pain than to give up on my shot at eternity.

I heard a relationship talk one time that talked about the way that our hearts are divinely designed (the speaker was some sort of preacher, but wise and on target anyway) to attach to each other. The things that we do that make us feel close to someone and loved by them, also create emotional attachment. And that emotional attachment can be compared to having the rough covering removed from your heart and binding it to the other person's so that they wind up growing together, like a plant grafting.

But then when we break up, we in essence RIP our hearts apart, and THAT'S where all the pain and bleeding comes from.

I liked that explanation because it covered so many different things that I've seen occur. And knowing that it's true, I'm STILL willing to go out and find someone who may wind up running away from me with bloody shreds of my heart falling to the ground as she leaves.

Especially with women who have chosen to have more than one baby, why do they avoid the joy of a relationship because they are afraid that there will be pain? Yes, it is emotional pain that lasts a lot longer than physical pain, but the emotional joy makes it worthwhile in my eyes.

Just my thoughts. I accept that it is likely to happen, and I dive in, searching for treasure. When the pain comes, I know that I would rather have that than to be numb because I refused to search for love.

Michael

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:46am

Hi Louise. Welcome to the board! I am so glad you joined us.


Honestly, from you post I would have to say it sounds like you're doing very well. A boatload of self help books and therapy isn't going to prepare you for a perfect try the first go round at dropping the walls you've built. But you recognized it and you're ready to move forward. A year ago, would you have recognized it? OR even cared if you did? In all probability you would have said "Well, that's how I am. And It's how I have to be. That so-and-so created this monstor..." Now? You're ready to pull it down. And like your title said, a brick at a time.


How did your boyfriend/SO react? Did you actually break up with him, or can you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to explain your reaction and work it through with him?

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 11:15am
Louise,

Good for you for recognizing you are vunerable and that you can overcome this. I am in the process of building my wall...fortress if you will. I am not even officially divorced yet and I already encountered my first creep! I am using industrial strength cement this time.

I have read all the books too, I have talked with men and women who have all been stomped on. Just remember trust is earned, before you expose your vunerable self to your current relationship make sure he earned the trust to know the vunerable you.

Eventually you will have to reveal the vunerability to someone which of course is never easy. I am the Queen of Denial when it comes to my vunerability....I flat out ignore them and hope that no one, not even my family sees them.

Only you can decide where when and how to open up, you have that power. The only power you don't have is the other person's actions.

Good luck, I hope that he comes through for you!

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:59pm

Hi Louise


Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 2:03pm
Welcome to the board!

I think you handled yourself and your emotions VERY well. I think you are VERY self-aware. I think you are not giving yourself enough credit for how you handled it.

I have never been "betrayed" - as far as infidelity goes - but I left my marriage feeling VERY betrayed that it was NOT what I wanted, what I signed on for, what I thought I was getting, what I thought I deserved, that my ex didn't work as hard on the relationship as I did, blah, blah, blah ad nauseum. During the last 2 years of our marriage - because of my inability to trust him to be there for me, to love me, etc., I built one hell of a fortress around myself to protect myself from him and any other further pain he may try to inflict on me. It's a GREAT fortress.

I'm happily remarried now - but there are times when those fortress walls, that I have tried SOOOOOO hard to tear down - - - are rebuilt in a day. Last year I was dealing with major health issues. I felt so vulnerable, relying on my dh (fiance, at that time) to care for me. I felt very vulnerable that he would say "I don't want to deal with this crap!" and up and leave. I felt very vulnerable being NEEDY - and I didn't like it! UP went the walls. I pushed him away with all of my might for the sake of self-protection and self-preservation. I told myself "I don't need him! I can do this alone!" which was TOTALLY ridiculous as I was on 6 weeks of TOTAL bedrest and I had two small boys running around the house. I felt my weakness and dependance on him would TOTALLY turn him off - and my number one goal was to protect my heart in case he decided to bail. LUCKY for me - he built a bridge over the moat and into my fortress - and told me he was staying. I could push and push and push - but he was going NOWHERE. That was a major breakthrough for me. I don't ALWAYS need to be strong, I don't ALWAYS have to "do it myself!" And sometimes my insistence of doing it myself WAS NOT strength, NOT independence, it was stupid and selfish and hurtful to the people that loved me the most and wanted to help me.

You are doing fine. Best wishes and hope to see you on the board more.