Lizzarddance . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Lizzarddance . . .
10
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 1:20pm
It's great to see you back, but I was floored when I read your post where you said: "I'm an old hand here, but haven't been around much for the past 2 years or so. I've been busy getting my heart ripped out and stomped on like a watermelon under the wheel of a speeding pickup."

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you are reassembling your heart. HUGS.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 2:08pm
Michael, I had the same thoughts as Min when I read your post. Big hugs to you and I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 8:08pm
Thanks, Sheri & Min. When you put yourself out there, these things happen. I know that it may happen again a time or two, but I won't let it affect me. It's like being gunshy, if you flinch just before you pull the trigger 'cause you're scared of the noise and recoil, you'll never hit your target.

I hurt right now, but really haven't shared that with anyone except this board. Yeah, it's a guy thing, I guess. It's also a parent thing. I was driving back from a party that I went to with the kids when we started talking about G. It hit me in the gut really hard and I had a hard time controlling myself. Fortunately it was night and the kids couldn't see my face as I was driving and I was quiet until I had control of my voice.

I just didn't feel that it was right to lay that burden on my kids and let them know how much I hurt. They love me so much and it would hurt them to see me hurting and them not be able to do anything.

When it ended, it was like going down the road at 65 and hitting a brick wall. And like the proverbial lawyer (no offense, Sheri), no skidmarks leading up to the wall.

Anyway, it's painful, but I know that I'll live through it and come out better on the other side. In the meantime, I've started using some of the internet sites and am actively looking for marriage. That may be the biggest result to come of this, is that I realized that I am actively committed to getting married and am willing to do what work it requires.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 8:58pm
Michael!! When I saw someone had posted to you, I anxiously looked for your original message. I can't find it, but from the gist of these two responses I am assuming it has something to do with the woman you were planning to marry. I am very sorry it didn't work out for you. I haven't been here much either (there isn't a thing to tell in my romantic life!) but I had to jump in when I saw you were back. You were always a good friend and gave valuable advice. Your friends are still here.

Karen in NYC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 12:10am
Karen, it's nice to hear from you, even if you don't have good news. How are your girls doing? Sorry, but it's a little bit nice to hear that your ex isn't doing so good, ROFL!

Well, yes, I did post about the woman that I had expected to marry. Things dead ended very suddenly. Emotionally knocked the wind out of me because it was so sudden and unexpected (no arguements, fights, big disagreements,...).

I felt that I was in the process of turning a corner on so many things in my life. My job has really improved and is getting better all the time, debts are going away, I have free money to do things for the kids and be able to treat myself every once in a while,...

But none of that is really enjoyable when it isn't headed towards what I really want in life. I'm getting really sick of cooking for one. And eating out by myself really sucks, too. I just don't believe that life is meant to be lived alone. And damned if I'm going to get a dog just so that I don't miss people. Although, I've been thinking about getting a couple of guns and a good tent again and at least going out and doing guy things that I may not get to do once I'm married -- as the comedian says, "Yes, I used to have testicles and a spine, but I'm married now,..."

However, I have begun actively looking for a woman. I've gone onto 5 different sites and have begun having interest shown in me for the first time. I used quite a few sites several years back and went for 3-4 years with only one or two people ever showing any interest in me.

By the way, I think that match.com and eharmony.com both suck. For the first two weeks, match.com kept giving me this message that I was "one in a million", meaning that they couldn't match me up with anybody on their site. They had an interesting test for a profile. They told me that I had a very unusual speed in selecting the physical characteristics of women that I found attractive. Then, when they detailed the facial outlines of the drawings that I found attractive, I realized that there were very specific features that I had not consciously recognized.

Anyway, I found the test helpful, the site wasn't. eharmony,... if I had paid, I'd ask for my money back. They ignored several areas that are very integral to my personality and basically tell people that they are wrong to be the way that they are.

End of rant.

Hope to hear an update from you.

Michael

Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 10:47am
Michael...

I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't work out....you deserve the best!!!!

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 5:24pm
Hi Michael,

I am new here so this is the first I am seeing of your posts. I am sorry to hear about your experience with your fiance. That is a bummer.

You sound like a great guy - and they are far and few between. I hope you set your standards high because you sound like you deserve someone very special.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:08pm
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:13pm
Thank you. However, my standards are not so much "high", as "off center".

I'm looking for something that others don't seem to be interested in, which is the "off center" part.

I can't say that what I'm looking for is better than what others are looking for, which is why I wouldn't say that they are "high" standards.

What I'm looking for is just different than what the mainstream of this culture seems to want and offer.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:34am
Tell us what you are looking for - it is fun to hear that from a guy's perspective.

What do you mean by "off center"?

Thanks for sharing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 5:24pm
I don't think that it would be wise to post too much information about what I'm looking for. I have found that many women get very upset at me for having the values that I do. Although this is a friendly and accepting board (especially compared to CERTAIN others on this site), I don't really want to stir the pot.

Also, I have given talks and led workshops with a lot of study materials and had the sessions last for several hours on this topic, so it is something that I feel requires a lot of study and thought even for people who already agree with it before they really appreciate it.

I will try to summarize it in several areas, though.

First, I am concerned about the state of the world and feel that I AM able to do something about it. I believe that the progress of the world and change begin at home. "As the home goes, so goes the world." I cannot do anything about people in other countries, but I can do things about me and my home, and the way that my home is has an effect on the people who come into contact with us.

I believe that all that I do as a father/husband is focused on developing a warm, loving and emotionally safe home. A home where my family, any friend, any stranger, even an enemy, will feel safe, secure and respected.

Then, as to who I am looking for -- I am looking for a woman who values that concept. I find that most women seem to post personal ads with two qualities in them, neither of which are what I am looking for. One quality that they have is that they have a grocery list of what the man is supposed to be like or have or enjoy. "financially secure", "well educated", "own home", "likes animals", "likes dancing", "likes moonlight walks while drinking expensive bottles of wine", etc., etc. A grocery list.

Then the other quality that the ads have is a set of warnings: "If you're just out to play games", "No players!", "You better be serious", etc., etc.

But, I have found women who post stuff that says, "I want to love and be loved." That's it, nothing more in their message about what they want. That is what they want and what they offer. And for me, THAT is what is important.

As a "man's point of view", I don't think my view is worth much, because I don't think that most other men have the attitude that I do. Most of them seem to be happy with the women who post grocery lists and warnings. But I want someone who has her eye on the prize, what is important in marriage, and the attribute of our relationship that can be everlasting. Walks in the park don't last, even through this life. Dining at fine restaurants sucks when you are with someone that is mean to you, and I'm sure that many of the people on this board know that personally. And what good is someone who likes dogs if he/she treats that animal better than you?

Finding someone who values love first, and does not deliver her message with a threat, is where I want to start. If things work out, there may well be opportunities to go for walks, to eat at a nice restaurant, or to sit by a fireplace. But there may NOT be, and if someone is with me because that is what they value, then the marriage will end. If she is with me because she values love, marriage, and the home, then we will find a way to work things out.

Michael