Dating a single mother long distance
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Dating a single mother long distance
| Sun, 08-15-2004 - 7:46pm |
I've posted this elsewhere, but this also seems like a good place to get some responses.
Hello, I've been trying to figure some things out in a relationship that I'm in, so I figured I'd turn to the experts in the field. About a month and a half ago I began dating a lady that I met at work, she's 26 and I'm 22. I had known her for several months and she always smiled and we flirted a little, but that was it, for a while. She also has a 6 year old daughter, that I had met before we began dating, as she came to work a couple of times with her mom. Well, I went over there to help her with a new computer, so the 3 of us had pizza together, and I checked out her computer, and that was it (we watched a movie, she fell asleep, so I left so she could sleep). I'm a very shy guy, and I was pretty sure that she liked me, so it took me a while to make any real advances. SO, the 3 of us went out to dinner, I went over there another night and we watched a movie, and that was it (on her laptop in her bed since she didn't have a TV). It took me forever to get inside her 'wall'; she's a very independent woman, comes from a wealthy family, parents had a rough divorce, so she doesn't really trust relationships. Well, I finally decided to kiss her, and she was, very receptive. I went over there I think every night for a couple of weeks. We started having sex I guess the 4th night, and pretty regularly after that. Everything has been great, she got onto me once about needing her own space, which we resolved very easily. Now she's about 6 hours away about to start law school, busy, and got on to me for sharing my feelings too much. After this long story, we've been through a bit, shared a lot of feelings I don't think either of us have for a long time, and I'm not ready to just give up, and I don't plan to; I'm willing to work as hard as possible to make this work. Did I mention her daughter asked if I could be her daddy(who I don't think she sees, atleast not often at all)? Luckily her mom told her now wasnt the time for that discussion, so I didn't have to deal with the answer. How should I hadnle these long distance communications; let her contact me when she feels like it at the risk of her thinking I don't want to go out of the way to contact her? How direct should I be with my feelings? Sorry for the length, but there is a lot involved here. Thanx to anyone who decides to reply after reading all of this.
Hello, I've been trying to figure some things out in a relationship that I'm in, so I figured I'd turn to the experts in the field. About a month and a half ago I began dating a lady that I met at work, she's 26 and I'm 22. I had known her for several months and she always smiled and we flirted a little, but that was it, for a while. She also has a 6 year old daughter, that I had met before we began dating, as she came to work a couple of times with her mom. Well, I went over there to help her with a new computer, so the 3 of us had pizza together, and I checked out her computer, and that was it (we watched a movie, she fell asleep, so I left so she could sleep). I'm a very shy guy, and I was pretty sure that she liked me, so it took me a while to make any real advances. SO, the 3 of us went out to dinner, I went over there another night and we watched a movie, and that was it (on her laptop in her bed since she didn't have a TV). It took me forever to get inside her 'wall'; she's a very independent woman, comes from a wealthy family, parents had a rough divorce, so she doesn't really trust relationships. Well, I finally decided to kiss her, and she was, very receptive. I went over there I think every night for a couple of weeks. We started having sex I guess the 4th night, and pretty regularly after that. Everything has been great, she got onto me once about needing her own space, which we resolved very easily. Now she's about 6 hours away about to start law school, busy, and got on to me for sharing my feelings too much. After this long story, we've been through a bit, shared a lot of feelings I don't think either of us have for a long time, and I'm not ready to just give up, and I don't plan to; I'm willing to work as hard as possible to make this work. Did I mention her daughter asked if I could be her daddy(who I don't think she sees, atleast not often at all)? Luckily her mom told her now wasnt the time for that discussion, so I didn't have to deal with the answer. How should I hadnle these long distance communications; let her contact me when she feels like it at the risk of her thinking I don't want to go out of the way to contact her? How direct should I be with my feelings? Sorry for the length, but there is a lot involved here. Thanx to anyone who decides to reply after reading all of this.

How long have you been romantic with her?
Things are going to change with her going to law school. I think the 6 hour commute is going to be difficult at best. To me, the only way this could work is if you moved to be near her. That is why I asked you what you do for your career.
But you have to evaluate if you are both really ready for that kind of step at this point in your lives. Should you be working on your career and what you are going to do the rest of your life? And where does she see herself after law school - what are her goals?
I think you should take your time and find our more information and then evaluate. We are always here to help you sort this out.
Good luck.
The best relationships in life are easy and they are meant to be. This one does not sound like it is going in that direction.
I don't think that one visit can have an impact on your whole future with someone. But I do think that big of a commute is a large deterrent. And this, coupled with your age and where you are now in your life, plus her strong will, are more deterrents.
I think that when you get your degree and embark on your career you will want someone who will support you and be willing to raise a family and make you feel good about yourself. You won't be having these doubts.
I also think you went too fast in the beginning and that you don't have timing on your side for this. You don't have enough of a history with her to make a decision like moving that far away to finish school.
I am sorry if I have bummed you out. I am hoping that your feelings will cool with her being gone and that you will be okay and do what is best for you.
That being said - you are very young and at a time in your life that is full of changes. She is also embarking on a new stage in her life. This is a very rough time, for both of you, to be jumping quickly into a serious relationship. Both of you may be very different people in four years, when you are embarking on the next stage of your lives. I would suggest continuing the relationship, but concentrate more on spending what time you can together, building a strong foundation, building trust and discovering if you really have that much in common. You are both very young to be worrying about whether it will have a long-term future.
In regards to her daughter, at this stage, she should not be looking at you as potential father. She should see you more as her moms friends or an uncle - someone she sees occassionally and may be fun, but she wouldn't find it strange if she didn't see you for awhile.
A relationship should be easy with regards to religious backgrounds, personal belief and value systems - for example staying home to raise the kids, spending habits, drinking habits, etc. It should also be easy given circumstances - distance apart, emotional baggage and by emotional baggage I mean is the person ready and capable of a relationship right now.
I do not mean to say that good communication and taking the high road is easy. But in my opinion, a good lasting happy relationship is easy - there is not a lot of difficulties to overcome with regards to basic stuff.
I also think you can discover this a lot easier and make a better decision when you are not faced with mind blowing sex right from the beginning. I feel that starts a relationship off on the wrong foot and clouds judgement and good communication.
Just my 2 cents worth for the day :-)
You asked the question "how direct should I be with my feelings?" and you made the comment that she felt you were sharing your feelings too much. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I want to be myself and have honest and open communications with someone I date. I hate lies and games. You should be able to be yourself. I have found out (because I'm a lot older than you) that someone should like you for you, and not expect you to be something that you're not. I still believe honesty will get you further than lies. Good luck.
Donna