Dating a single mother long distance

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
Dating a single mother long distance
9
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 7:46pm
I've posted this elsewhere, but this also seems like a good place to get some responses.

Hello, I've been trying to figure some things out in a relationship that I'm in, so I figured I'd turn to the experts in the field. About a month and a half ago I began dating a lady that I met at work, she's 26 and I'm 22. I had known her for several months and she always smiled and we flirted a little, but that was it, for a while. She also has a 6 year old daughter, that I had met before we began dating, as she came to work a couple of times with her mom. Well, I went over there to help her with a new computer, so the 3 of us had pizza together, and I checked out her computer, and that was it (we watched a movie, she fell asleep, so I left so she could sleep). I'm a very shy guy, and I was pretty sure that she liked me, so it took me a while to make any real advances. SO, the 3 of us went out to dinner, I went over there another night and we watched a movie, and that was it (on her laptop in her bed since she didn't have a TV). It took me forever to get inside her 'wall'; she's a very independent woman, comes from a wealthy family, parents had a rough divorce, so she doesn't really trust relationships. Well, I finally decided to kiss her, and she was, very receptive. I went over there I think every night for a couple of weeks. We started having sex I guess the 4th night, and pretty regularly after that. Everything has been great, she got onto me once about needing her own space, which we resolved very easily. Now she's about 6 hours away about to start law school, busy, and got on to me for sharing my feelings too much. After this long story, we've been through a bit, shared a lot of feelings I don't think either of us have for a long time, and I'm not ready to just give up, and I don't plan to; I'm willing to work as hard as possible to make this work. Did I mention her daughter asked if I could be her daddy(who I don't think she sees, atleast not often at all)? Luckily her mom told her now wasnt the time for that discussion, so I didn't have to deal with the answer. How should I hadnle these long distance communications; let her contact me when she feels like it at the risk of her thinking I don't want to go out of the way to contact her? How direct should I be with my feelings? Sorry for the length, but there is a lot involved here. Thanx to anyone who decides to reply after reading all of this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 9:16pm
What do you do for your career?

How long have you been romantic with her?

Things are going to change with her going to law school. I think the 6 hour commute is going to be difficult at best. To me, the only way this could work is if you moved to be near her. That is why I asked you what you do for your career.

But you have to evaluate if you are both really ready for that kind of step at this point in your lives. Should you be working on your career and what you are going to do the rest of your life? And where does she see herself after law school - what are her goals?

I think you should take your time and find our more information and then evaluate. We are always here to help you sort this out.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 9:50pm
I'm an undergrad student. Before she moved, she kept asking (slightly less that serious) if I'd move up there with her. We did, however, discuss me moving up there next semester after seeing how things turn out, and me continuing school there. We've been together for about a month and a half. Her daughter has always been part of it, since the beginning. Before we got romantic, before we kissed or there was any discussing of an "us", the 3 of us had gone out to dinner. Yes, I know, not very long, but things progressed very quickly; hopefully not too quickly. She's very, very, strong willed. When we are together she talks about stuff like, where I'll be after she graduates, stuff a ways away. Online and on the phone, she's much more, worried about now, and what she's doing. Before we ever saw each other out of the office, she always told me she didn't do relationships well, likes her own space, and the sort. When we're together (in person) she's the opposite, when we are apart (talking via phone or online) that personality is more apparent. It seems as if when its there and she can touch it, its what she wants, or she realizes that it is really a good thing, but when she can't touch it, she reverts back to her old train of thought. I'm supposed to be going to visit her in a few weeks. I figure that visit will have a strong impact on our future. She'll either realize that she missed what we had when we were able to be with eachother and want to work for it, or she'll realize that its not as important to her as she thought. She's got such a strong will, I fear that she'll push aside what her heart says and go for the more practical, easier (in the long run) approach.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:33am
I think that you should focus primarily on your studies and your future for now.

The best relationships in life are easy and they are meant to be. This one does not sound like it is going in that direction.

I don't think that one visit can have an impact on your whole future with someone. But I do think that big of a commute is a large deterrent. And this, coupled with your age and where you are now in your life, plus her strong will, are more deterrents.

I think that when you get your degree and embark on your career you will want someone who will support you and be willing to raise a family and make you feel good about yourself. You won't be having these doubts.

I also think you went too fast in the beginning and that you don't have timing on your side for this. You don't have enough of a history with her to make a decision like moving that far away to finish school.

I am sorry if I have bummed you out. I am hoping that your feelings will cool with her being gone and that you will be okay and do what is best for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 9:34am
This makes sense, and I will keep in mind if things go sour, but I can't really follow that mind set until I have to. I know it hasn't been very long, but I've put a lot into this for such a short time period, and I'm not going to lay my cards down now. Thank you for the time and thought, and I may return to that post soon for solace later, but hopefully I won't have to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 10:46am
I disagree that the best relationships are easy. No interaction with another human being is ever easy all the time - people are too different, with different interests, likes/dislikes, etc.. The best relationships (with SO, children, parents, anyone) are those where you care enough to compromise some things for the other person. All relationships involve "opportunity costs" (business school anyone :-) ) what you are giving up to be with that person, even if its nothing but free time, or the opportunity to see others. When the relationship brings more value to your life than what you are giving up - you pursue it and if the other person feels the same way the relationship works well.

That being said - you are very young and at a time in your life that is full of changes. She is also embarking on a new stage in her life. This is a very rough time, for both of you, to be jumping quickly into a serious relationship. Both of you may be very different people in four years, when you are embarking on the next stage of your lives. I would suggest continuing the relationship, but concentrate more on spending what time you can together, building a strong foundation, building trust and discovering if you really have that much in common. You are both very young to be worrying about whether it will have a long-term future.

In regards to her daughter, at this stage, she should not be looking at you as potential father. She should see you more as her moms friends or an uncle - someone she sees occassionally and may be fun, but she wouldn't find it strange if she didn't see you for awhile.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 11:23am
True, if you sacrifice something, then you have something invested in making it work out; besides, you wouldn't have invested something if it wasn't worth it. As far as the daughter goes, she's a very bright girl (an understatement) and at this age she's very adaptable. I don't think anything that would happen between me and her mom would have any adverse affects on her, unless her mom feels hurt by the way things turned out, and she picks up on that. I feel the only way my gf would be hurt in this is if she feels it necessary to end this due to circumstances, even if she doesn't want to. I just hope that she will follow her heart in this, which ever way it leads her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 11:40am
I would like to clarify what I mean by "easy" in a relationship.

A relationship should be easy with regards to religious backgrounds, personal belief and value systems - for example staying home to raise the kids, spending habits, drinking habits, etc. It should also be easy given circumstances - distance apart, emotional baggage and by emotional baggage I mean is the person ready and capable of a relationship right now.

I do not mean to say that good communication and taking the high road is easy. But in my opinion, a good lasting happy relationship is easy - there is not a lot of difficulties to overcome with regards to basic stuff.

I also think you can discover this a lot easier and make a better decision when you are not faced with mind blowing sex right from the beginning. I feel that starts a relationship off on the wrong foot and clouds judgement and good communication.

Just my 2 cents worth for the day :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 3:08pm
I admire what you said when you wrote "and I'm not ready to just give up, and I don't plan to; I'm willing to work as hard as possible to make this work." It's great that you're willing to work for what you want. Just remember something. It takes two people to make a relationship. All your hard work will mean nothing unless the other person works just as hard, or at least meets you half way. I've had that happen to me in the past. No matter how hard I tried, there was nothing I could do to save the relationship once the other person gave up.

You asked the question "how direct should I be with my feelings?" and you made the comment that she felt you were sharing your feelings too much. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I want to be myself and have honest and open communications with someone I date. I hate lies and games. You should be able to be yourself. I have found out (because I'm a lot older than you) that someone should like you for you, and not expect you to be something that you're not. I still believe honesty will get you further than lies. Good luck.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 3:45pm
Well, I understand that she is a little more reserved when it comes to that sort of thing. She told me, something along the lines of, that it is possible to say how I feel too much. I haven't had a gf since(about 2 years) my high school sweetheart, so I'm still getting used to dating a 26 yr old as opposed to a 17 yr old; an independent woman as opposed to a high schooler that loved attention, not a mother, who, obviously has different priorities. Should I maybe explain that to my gf? She knows that was my last relationship, maybe that might help her to understand where I'm coming from. Any ideas on that?