Closure and Moving On

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Closure and Moving On
6
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 4:13pm
Friday night I took a box and in it I put some clothes that Mark left at my house, and a couple of CD's he gave me. In the box I put a short note basically saying since I haven't heard from you, I assume things are over, and here's your stuff back. See you later, bye. I could have been a b**** and threw his stuff out, but I decided to take the higher road. Same with the note. No sniveling or complaining or asking question. Short and to the point. End of the deal. I was quite determined and strong through the whole thing, and I never looked back. Although I will admit that I had a momentarily lapse later that night when I was lying in bed -- I was thinking what a shame it all was -- that he couldn't even communicate with me what was going on and that he couldn't have ended it with class, instead of being a big coward and avoiding the whole thing. But that was it. I didn't dwell on it. I would joke around with this lady at work and say we broke up because of a class thing (him from the north shore and me from the south side). Yep, it was a class thing -- he has none. The way he handled the situation was wrong. I've had time to think, and I think he handled it badly. I don't want to be with somebody who thinks so little of me that he couldn't even give me the courtesy of a phone call. I guess he wasn't such a nice guy after all. As far as I'm concerned, once that box was taped shut, that was the end. At this point in my life, I feel there's got to be more out there than what he was giving me, and I believe I deserve so much better.

As for the moving on part . . . tomorrow night I plan on going to a "meeting" (it's more of a social event) of the Young Single Parents Club that's by my house. I made arrangements for a sitter, and unless I get real cold feet and chicken out, I'll be there. I e-mailed the club with some questions, and instead of an e-mail I got a phone call from one of the members. He told me all about the club and some of the activities they have going on. He told me to come check it out a couple of times, then if I like it, I can join, but he wanted me to check it out first. No pressure at all, which was good. I was blown away by how many activities they plan, especially family activities. Unfortunately, I can't make any that are scheduled for the rest of this month due to other commitments, but I'll try to do something next month.

I get real philosophical after a break up, and I've been doing a lot of thinking -- thinking how I can improve myself and make things better for me. I have to say that I was inspired by something Lizzarddance posted last week about not letting a break up shut you down but that you have to go right back out there and take another chance. That's how I feel right now, and I can say I never felt like that after a break up in the past. I was always bitter and saying stuff like I will never date again. Not this time. I also realized that the three men I had relationships with since my divorce had something in common, they were all older than me, they were single, never been married and did not have any kids. So, were talking 40 something and never been married. I never planned on dating those types of men or sought it out, it just kind of happened. I decided that I need to try to avoid that kind of man (no offense to anyone). I just think that a single dad would be able to understand my situation a lot more than someone that was never married and had no children. Maybe I've just been dating the wrong kids of men. In any event, this club will give me an opportunity to meet men and women who are raising kids alone, just like me, and I think that will be a good thing. I'm not going into it looking for a date, I'm looking to make some friendships. I'm really a nice person, very easy to get along with. A little shy at first, put once you get to know me, and we become friends, I am as loyal as a puppy dog. I think I have a lot to offer someone (that's why I'm not giving up), whether it be as a partner or as a friend. So, I'm jumping in with both feet because this is something I would really like to try. I figure I've got nothing to lose. I will let you know how I like it.

Donna

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 5:25pm

Donna, whatever you do, DON'T CHICKEN OUT for this weekend and the Single's thing! It's going to be great, and I know you'll have a fun time. How cool was that, that they called you personally instead of just shooting you some ready made answers. I can't wait to hear how it goes.


I think you're right. It is a real shame that Mark couldn't be a man and communicate how he was feeling and what he did/did not want out of your relationship with him. But, I am glad you recognized that and are able to let go because you see such a serious flaw in him and the relationship. Seeing clearly makes it easier to move on, doesn' tit? I am so glad to hear that you aren't giving up. I think it's a great idea to be more aware of what your pattern was in choosing a "typical man" for you, who just ends up being the same man over and over again in different clothes. You could really have fun with this!


I'd tell you to hang in there, but you're doing that very well already. I think your attitude is just fantastic!!!

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:49pm

Donna,


Can I say something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 12:47pm
I like how you are making some positive steps in the right direction. It sounds like you have a good plan. There will be moments when you will be extremely sad, but try to stay the course and think happy thoughts as much as possible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 2:04pm
Tara and Becky:

Thanks for the vote of confidence. You guys are great! I don't know what's come over me. I have never acted like this after a break up before. Maybe I'm getting older and wiser or maybe I've finally gotten the hang of this breaking up thing ('bout time, it's happened enough times to me) (LOL). Being optimistic and hopeful sure beats being down and depressed any day.

Donna


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:59pm
Donna,

BRAVO - they wrote the Survivor song just for you!! Your voice sounds so strong and you did the right thing with his box of stuff/the note. I also like your summary of your past relationships.

I love your new plan - way to go!! Keep us posted - this will be fun for all of us to read your stories.

You are ready for something great and you will SOAR!!

Mark is going to be the loser. He did the total guy thing with the way he handled it - I agree it was bad but this is actually because he felt bad for what he did and did not want to face hurting you. That is a common thing, actually. But no more thoughts on that -it is all a moot point now.

You have taken something sad/bad and turned it into golden lemonaide.

Sip up!! Chin up!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:23am
Oh Donna - this sounds so much like a relationship I had before Jack (not to say that Jack and I are without troubles but think of it as we don't LOL) I dated this guy - a teacher - I actually used to talk about him here on the board. He did pretty much what Mark did to you. I had a shirt and some tapes.... I put them in a box and the day that I knew he wasn't calling me again I painted a painting. One that I had meant to paint for him but didn't. So I sort of did - but kept it for me. It was like saying "This is what I was willing to give you but you don't deserve it!" and it was so perfect! I stayed on match.com and dated a few more people - a couple dates were blah but then I met a really nice guy that I went out with several times but he lived so far away. It never went further than dating and just when I had decided to hang up my hat for abit and take a break (aka when I least expected it/wasn't looking anymore) Jack emailed me in my last week of membership. And the moment we met I knew. I have witnesses that will back me up LOL!

So the point isn't where I am but that if you keep going - and not shut down - and start living YOUR life for YOU, things will be great. ((((HUG))))

Laura

PS - how is that thing going - I did check out parents without partners and they do a lot of stuff....now if only I had a sitter.... Mandy? want to move back to MI LOL!