i need to back off, way off
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| Mon, 08-16-2004 - 4:55pm |
How can I put this. He's very nice to me, but keeps me at arm's length at the same time. I've been happy and giddy about him at times. I've fallen in love with him. But, he doesn't express any great affection for me. When I tell him, 'i like you a lot', he repeats that to me enthusiatically. I believe it.
I still feel like I'm being strung along. It's like he's being nice to me to keep me around, but he won't ever love me. Lately, I've been having to initiate all of our dates. I won't anymore. I email him and he doesn't email me. He calls me almost every day. I've just decided that I won't email him. I won't initiate any dates. I'll be friendly if he calls, but I'm tired of making an effort if it isn't reciprocated. Anyway, the whole thing hurts me because I think our relationship is dead in the water.
I don't want to be with someone who isn't right for me, but it hurts to let go of the idea that we had something. I know I have to let go. It just really hurts and I wonder if I'll meet anyone that I click with.

((((hug))))
I am sorry this is the way things are going with you. It stinks to work so hard at something and have it appear to not turn into any stable long term relationship. But it makes me think of Donna's post that I just read. She'd come to some realizations with her SO and it hurt badly. But the end result was that she realized he just wasn't what she needed. He wasn't emotionally available for her, he didn't want or need the same things she did out of the relationship. He was just not the man for her at all. Seems like knowing that helped make it easier for her to pick up and move on with no regrets.
If this is the case with you, even though you feel sad about letting him go, why waste anymore time? You don't even know how he would interact with your ds (after 7 months!) and he hasn't shown any urgency to meet him. He doesn't show you any real interest in being emotionally intimate. I'd feel strung along too.
I think if I were you, I'd not bother with just pulling back some. I'd probably cut my losses and move on. But I know it's hard to give the whole picture in a post.
Sending hugs your way.
Many times, men just get too comfortable, especially if you are too easy.
Good luck and keep us posted. How did you meet him?
All I can do is tell you what happened to me and what I did, and hopefully it will help you. I don't know if you have read any of my prior posts, but my drama started a couple of weeks ago when I hadn't seen him in over a month and hadn't heard from him in five days. I started getting suspiciouis. He started breaking dates. When I confronted him, he was evasive and changed the subject. He never really "ended" our relationship. I did. Just last week I told myself that if he called and wanted to work things out, I would. But as of today, if by chance he calls, there will be no reconciliation.
You wrote "I don't want to be with someone who isn't right for me, but it hurts to let go of the idea that we had something." I thought the very same thing. For the first time in 7 years, I thought I found my perfect match. I really thought we had potential. And yes, I allowed myself to fall in love. He didn't want to meet my kids right away, and I was ok with that. He set the pace, which was slow. But slow went to completely stopped, and we were not progressing, just like you said, dead in the water. It takes a LOT of COURAGE to admit that to yourself, and I give you a big hug for that. It's hard to admit when things aren't quite right. It's easier to say that time will fix it, and in some cases, time will fix it. But in our cases, six and seven months is a long time for this to not have progressed. You also write "I know I have to let go. It just really hurts and I wonder if I'll meet anyone that I click with." As for the first part, it hurts real bad, especially in the beginning. Allow yourself to grieve. Get a good cry out of it. I did the night I realized it was over. Then over time, it got easier. Actually, the more time passed and I didn't hear from him, I wasn't sad, I was angry. And the more angry I got, the more resolved I was to put this behind me. I know it's hard to let go when everything seemed to be going so well. If he was a big jerk, it would be easier to let go. Believe me, I don't know everything, and I'm learning as I go along. But what helped me was to realize that I (AND YOU) DESERVE so much better than this. You deserve to be with someone that wants to be with you, wants to make dates, wants to meet your son. The best advice I can give you is to not hold on, end it, and move on. It's not as hard as you think. You've already taken the first step when you contacted that women's club. Good for you. I know what you mean. If we keep busy, we won't think about being alone. I did the same thing. I contaced a singles' club in my area, and I will be going tonight to my first meeting, if I don't lose my nerve. I think it's important to have a plan and put it into action. If we just sit around, we will be consumed by self-pity and lonliness. Don't do that to yourself. You can do it, I know you can. If I can, you can. Believe me, this is the truth. I have NEVER acted this way after a break up before. I usually let them consume me, depress me and take over my life. But not this time, and I'm so happy that I turned over a new leaf. I know every situation is different, but it's such a coincidence that your SO is older and never been married, and so was mine. In fact, I'm 0 for 3 in the "40 something, never been married, and no children" department. I think (and this is just my opinion from my own personal experience) that it's hard to have a relationship as a single mom with a man who has never been married and has no kids. I personally think the reason they keep us at "arm's length" is because they are afraid to get all the way into a relationship with us and have to deal with our children. It scares them. They want to be involved with us, peripherally, and that's ok with them as long as we allow it. But once things progress on our part, like we fall in love and we want more out of them in our relationship, then things turn cold -- dead in the water. Please realize that this is not any fault of yours. It's not you -- it's him. He can't commit, but he doesn't want to break it off -- its like you said, he's stringing you along. I know that sounds awful, but the same thing happened to me. And I really think its because of their character flaws, and it has nothing to do with us at all. (I'm the queen of beating myself up, so for me to admit that it was his problem and not mine is huge). But I refuse to beat myself up over this, and you should too.
As for what you said about "will you ever meet anyone that you will click with". I ask myself that every day. In fact, at first I told myself there would never be anyone like Mark because he was so nice. Then I came to realize that he wasn't so nice for the way he treated me, and there has to be someone out there who will treat me better. So you have to look at it that way too. There is better out there for you. Don't give up. Keep looking. Try clubs, on-line dating, whatever you feel comfortable with. Like Lizzarddance said, we can't hide away after a break up and refuse to try again. We have to get back out there. I wish you the best of luck. Like I said, you can do this. If I can, you can. There will be better days for you, and me, out there. I'm sorry this was so long, but I hope it helped. Keep us posted. BIG HUGS.
Donna
One of my favorite getting-over-a-breakup tools is the movie "Swingers". If you've never seen it, I think it would be good for you. It's funny, but at the same time, it's a really good look at the dynamics of a breakup. It's how I learned the lesson that:
The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take him back when he wants to come back. But you can’t do anything to make him come back. In fact, you can only do things to make him NOT want to come back. So you can pretend to forget about him. Don't call him, get busy doing other things, etc. It's hard now, but it will pay off in the end. He'll either come back before you actually forget about him, and it was meant to be, or you'll reach the point where you actually forget about him and move on with your life and it won't matter anymore!
Hugs to both of you!
I'm hesitant of the divorced guys with kids too. They have only ever approached me for sex and not a relationship. I guess this last boyfriend is the same way though. I think he wanted a physical relationship and fun. I don't mean that he's a bad guy. I really don't think he is. He can't commit and I'm sure he'll be single forever. I just get that feeling.
"He can't commit and I'm sure he'll be single forever. I just get that feeling." Yeah, I get that feeling about my ex-BF, too. He'll probably be single forever too. I also think that my ex was like yours in that he also wanted a physical relationship and fun. Oh well, like I said before, that's them, and there's nothing we can do to change them. But we can both look on the bright side -- at least it ended now instead of dragging on for two years -- that would have been harder to deal with. I've never dated anyone but single, never-been-married men, so I don't know what it's like to date a divorced man or one that has kids. To be honest with you, I'm not in that much of a hurry to find out. I'd like to take a "break" from dating. I'm kind of burned out. I'd rather go out with a girlfriend or a group of people just to get out, have fun and not be sitting inside doing nothing.
Donna