Talked to bf about our future

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Talked to bf about our future
4
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:31am

In my previous post about SO sleeping over, I said that I would talk with my bf about the future. Then I mentioned last week he brought up moving out of state to be near his son, and I knew that I had to talk to him about that. Our problem is that we don't do so well at discussing our feelings. I think (but don't know for sure) that this is because his custody battle has been his primary focus during most of our relationship, and I hesitate to bring up 'me' or 'our future' because he has been so stressed and distraught over fighting for and then losing his son, and that has had to be his primary focus until recently.

Up until about a month and 1/2 ago our relationship was mostly about two people enjoying time together when they didn't have their children with them (my daughter spends every other week, 50% of the time, with her dad, and my bf used to have EOW and one week night with his son). About a month and 1/2 ago some of the pain and shock from his son being moved out of state seemed to subside a little and our relationship took a turn towards looking and feeling like a relationship. We've been dating for a year (as of last week), and we've not seen other people in that time (including a one month breakup around the time he lost the appeal in his case when we thought he would in fact be moving). But the relationship has only very recently felt like it was moving forward.

I have a hard time getting up the courage to ask about the future. My therapist helped me figure out that is because whenever I do he makes a joke and changes the subject. But last night I forced myself to ask him about his moving out of state. He tried to drop the subject, then he changed the subject. But I stuck to it and kept asking questions. The short answer is that he doesn't know. He doesn't know if he will move or stay. He doesn't know if we have a future together or not.

I had originally said (to my therapist, not my bf) that I would give him to the end of last summer and if the relationship wasn't going somewhere, I would walk away. Well the end of the summer came and his son left and he said he was moving, so I did walk away. Then it appeared he was more than likely to stay and we started seeing each other again. So I told my therapist I would give it to the end of the year. But if my bf doesn't know now, he's probably not going to have figured it out in 30 days from now.

Part of the problem is that I understand him not knowing. I think that once he can arrange a visitation schedule with his son's mother and step-father and go see his son is doing okay, and know that he can see him on some sort of regular basis, then at that point he will be able to figure out what he wants his future to look like. I don't know when they will figure out the visitation, and it's possible it will take going back to court to make it happen. Let's say it will most likely be resolved in the next 3-4 months (best guess).

Another problem is that I am not really interested in dating anyone else. I get a lot out of the relationship. He is great company, he's incredibly smart. I learn a lot from him. If I were to walk away, I'd focus my time and energy at home, and probably do a lot more reading and stuff on the internet, not on dating. I'm working on buying a house by the time dd starts first grade (a year and 1/2 away) and seeing my bf doesn't make that happen faster or slower.

The other problem is future children. I'm 34 and I know I'd like to have at least one more child with my bf. I may want to find someone to have another child with if the relationship with my bf doesn't work, but maybe not. I know I will feel happy in my life if I don't have any more children, but I also don't feel I'm done yet. I know my bf is a wonderful father to his son, and he has a lot to offer my dd and any future children.

And maybe it's that I've invested a year of my life with this man and I know there is potential there. If it doesn't work out with him and I don't meet anyone else, I know I can also live a happy and fulfilling life alone with dd. I have a great career, I volunteer, I am financially stable, etc. I've worked really hard the past year to get my life the way I want it to be, and I'm pretty much there.

What I don't know is how long I am willing to wait for my bf to figure it out. Another 6 months? Maybe. Another year? I don't think so. How much time should a 34 year old woman invest before deciding it isn't going to work and moving on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:24am

OMG your post could be my post except - I am 32...but I have the same thoughts and feelings and you know what I decided to do...


NOT live for Jerry anymore-- he too says "he doesnt know" - he is "adjusting" still to his life after his divorce with his children.


We have been dating since September 10th 2003.


AND been thru very tough times (wanted to move in together - then he changed his mind, then a unplanned pregnancy)


I just decided -- he can go ahead and NOT know - and continue to adjust and I am just going to take care of me! I dont HAVE to have a man in my life. Yes I too would LOVE to have another baby but I dont have to.


I just feel if I focus more on growing and learning and experiencing things for myself -- thats all that matters. Jerrys going to to whatever hes going to do and if he values me and our relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:40am

I do agree with you. I am not holding back anything that is important to me so I can be with him. I go to therapy, I read, I exercise, I volunteer and I do lots of things for me. Actually, eating better, exercising and reading are things he has encouraged me to do (more by way of example). He has been a positive influence in my life but I do my best not to cling to him in any way. If I were to walk away there isn't much that would change in my life, I'd just have a few more quiet nights by myself, maybe go to sleep a little earlier on nights I otherwise would have gone to his house. And that would be okay if that is what is meant to be.

But aren't I sort of in limbo anyway? I mean, everything about the relationship is great, and it might be going somewhere but I don't know that for a fact. Walking away now doesn't feel right, but at some point I will have to do that, won't I? I know it will happen if he can't commit to me by the time I'm ready to buy a house (summer 2006). We don't live that close to each other and if I buy a house here then I am not going to turn around and sell it and move closer to him at a later time. If he does want marriage and children, then we can buy a house together by that time. So it will come down to committing or me walking away eventually, but that is a year and 1/2 away and I'll be almost 36 by then. I guess I feel like I've already extended my deadline once, do I keep setting them and extending them? He doesn't even know I ever had a timeline, but I know it. I would like him to know there is a period of time past when I won't keep waiting for him to decide, but I hate giving ultimatums and once I say it out loud to him, then I really have to stick to it or he'll know I'm wishy washy about walking away, right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 8:59pm

I have read all of these posts. I agree with MB.

I can relate about being in Limbo. All I can say is just keep going in the direction you are going. You sound like you are doing great for yourself - many positive things and accomplishments - congrats on that - keep going. Try not to dwell on this situation too much or worry about the future too much. I think that you will know what to do each day.

You are waiting to see what happens with the custody situation with his child. The good thing is that he has shown that he is a good person with his priorities in order regarding his child. He has no control over that situation and is unable, rightfully so, to think about anything else until he finds a solution.

In the mean time, just enjoy your time with him. It is not like you have a line of men waiting at the door that you are going to pass up.

I think you should keep your eyes open and make sure you expand your social network as much as possible. If a better one comes along you won't miss a step. Try to get a little busier without him and not make all this the center of your plate.

I hope I have helped. These things are never easy. But when things go slow they always seem to have a better outcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 9:13pm

Thanks :) It's funny you mentioned going slow because this is only the second relationship of my life *not* to go from 'Hi' to 'First Date' to 'Let's Move In Together' (the only other one not like this was my first bf and I was still in high school). Well, ok, there was that one other relationship when I was 19 that we dated a few months first and then went right to 'Let's Move Out Of State Together.' Equally as bad. I don't have a lot of experience going slow.

Thank goodness for good therapists and ivillage message boards.

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