BF leaving, maybe

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
BF leaving, maybe
5
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 2:55pm

So my bf originally said when he lost his son to a move-away court battle, that he was going to move too. So we broke up. Then we got back together and I assumed he was staying. Then he mentioned moving again and I started to wonder. So I brought it up and he said he didn't know. Last night he called and started talking like he is more sure about moving. Now, I do understand that with something like this, being away from your child and not having a way to see him regularly, it may take time to sort it out and decide what you are going to do. And I get he has times when he thinks he should move and times he thinks he should stay. And I know that ultimately it is his decision, not mine.

Deep breath.

The first time he said he was leaving it was devastating. This time it's not as painful. If he leaves, it's not because the relationship is bad, nobody is at fault. It's just sad. That's all. Sad. I think it's less painful because I've already been through the pain. I guess I'm more numb.

Being in limbo is no fun. I think I can give it 6 more months, unless he decides to leave before then. I can wait that long to see if he figures this all out. I have told him that I don't want him to go, but that I understand if he has to. I can let him go if I have to. I can take care of myself.

I sent him an email today telling him some things I wanted to say after he hung up last night. I came out and said I want a future and a child with him. Those are things I know he is not ready to talk about yet. But if he's going to walk away from me, I need him to know what he is giving up. And if pushing those things causes him to distance himself, well that is okay because they are important to me. If they aren't important to him, then it will have to end anyway.

Last night he kept saying why wasn't I moving with him. He knows I can't. I have joint physical custody of my dd and her dad would never agree to the move, and I wouldn't do that to them. Ironically, that is one of the qualities he likes about me, that I would never do to him what his ex has done (move away and take his child away). It's that same quality that keeps me from going with him. I told him that I did ask my ex if he would be willing to move. My ex would, but not to the state where my bf's son is. I don't want to live there either really, I like it where I am. And my bf feels the same. He hates the idea of moving, but his son is there and he can't change that.

Okay. I needed to just get all that out. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 4:09pm

How far away is your bf's son? My ex lives two states away and still manages to see Dylan every other weekend. The only visit he misses that he has rights to is Wednesday nights, which at first, his mother took inhis place until I moved an hour further away.

My ex knew he couldn't keep me in Mississippi with our son because there was nothing there for me. I had to come back to Texas and if that hurt him, so be it. My family is here and they could offer me the support I needed and they were all here to love my son and be there for him as well. It was a good thing for me. But I also chose to move an hour from them last year because I was engaged to Shane and this is where he works. Legally, I can move where ever I choose because I am the custodial parent and there is nothing in the papers that restricts where I live.

I do understand that you don't want to move far from your ex because he is good to your daughter and she obviously loves him too. My ex and son love one another too. I hate that my son has to miss seeing his father everyday, but at the same time, my ex chose to cheat and ask me to leave. So he has no say in where I go any longer.

I say talk to your bf about this. He has to do what he has to do, but he also needs to make a decision. It's not fair to you for him to go back and forth on this. Depending on how far you are from each other, maybe you can still maintain something. Is that possible?

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 4:47pm

It would be too far to drive. All the burden for travel is on my bf and he can't afford it. It is a very unfair court decision. I think if he moves he is going to have just as much stress over not being able to see his son and having to deal with her as he will if he stays here, but it's his life and his choice

I promised my ex that I would never move away with dd. My mom moved away from my dad (I was 5), and my ex's mother did the same (he was 7). My dad was screwed up but my ex's relationship with his father was destroyed by the move, along with some other things involving his parents not acting like adults. I am not from here, and my ex was terrified I would move home. But I won't. And he has our dd every other week, so it's doubtful the courts would agree to me moving anyway.

My bf thinks a 45 minute drive is enough of a long distance relationship. If he moved away the relationship would definitely be over. Neither of us have the kind of money to go flying back and forth to see each other, and since I can't move there until dd grows up, it would be pointless. That's 14 years from now.




Edited 12/27/2004 9:49 am ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 6:09pm

Hugs to you. I'm very sorry you are in this situation.

My dh's ex-wife moved very far from their home after their divorce, and took their son with her. He agonized over whether to move there or not, and wrote a list of pros and cons. Would he create a life for himself and see his son (who was only 2.5 at the time) as often as he could (which was very little due to the visitation schedule and the fact that this was 1986 in the midwest when and where fathers had absolutely no rights) or would he follow his ex-wife and son around the country for the rest of his life? In the end, he decided that he would not move there, because what if his exwife and her new husband decided to move again (and they did - 7 times in 16 years - including Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, somewhere in New Joursey, Missouri, South Dakota, and Nebraska). Although it has been hard for him and his son - he is - I don't want to say happy - but feels at peace (his son is now 20) with the situation. He spent every Christmas and Spring Break wherever his son was (using up all his vacation time) and he had his son all summer. He called him constantly, wrote him letters, sent him cards, packages, flew out over long weekends (ALWAYS a cross-country flight from Las Vegas to wherever R was), etc. I really feel like in this day and age, with cheap flights, free long distance cell phones, computers and video conferencing via the computer - a parent can be very involved in their child's life even if they are not there.

I understand completely your reason for not wanting to (or being able to) move yourself with your dd, and I respect that completely. My ex and I have joint custody (50/50 - every other week) and it is VERY CLEARLY spelled out in our divorce papers that THIS is his home, and if a parent moves away from his home - they move away WITHOUT HIM - and all travelling will be at the moving parent's expense. Period. No ifs, ands or buts about it. And regardless whether that was there or not, I promised my ex that I would never do to our child what his parents did to him - because I know how it scarred him for life. I think it's very important that my son is able to have dinner with his daddy every night every other week, that daddy can be at every single school function, have lunch with him at school, be at every practice and every game - regardless of who's week it is. Right now - we live a whopping 20 minutes apart. And he thinks that's way too far and is looking for a home in our area (seriously.)

You are SOO right when you said if the thought of marriage and a child with you frightens him, better to end it now.

I'm so sorry you are hurting, and I hope he makes a decision quickly so you aren't kept in limbo.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 6:21pm

Thank you. That is one of the big reasons he said he'd never move - because they can pick up in 2 years and move again and he can't let them dictate his life just because they have custody of his son. He has worked hard to build a life for himself and be at peace with only seeing his son every other weekend, and this whole thing is turned his life upside down. It might help if had holiday time and more time in the summer. I think he should stay here and go back to court and fight for an extra couple days each month, an extra couple weeks in the summer and alternating holidays. Those are not unreasonable requests.

I hope he can decide soon too. My fear is that he'll decide to go and we'll break up, and then a year later or so he'll still be here. When he seriously considered going before he could not find any jobs near his current salary. He can't quit his job becuase he'd be delinquent on cs and he'd get thrown in jail (where he lives they do that). So he can't move until he finds a job first, and if a paying parent chooses to take a cut in pay, that does not reduce your cs. Ugh. I can go on and on. I just hope he decides to stay.




Edited 12/27/2004 9:51 am ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 7:19pm

I'm very sorry for the whole situation. That's horrible for the ex wife to move away. My ex husband is a royal pain, but I won't move out of this area until my son is much older (teenager). It just wouldn't be fair to my ex husband.

I'm sorry that you're in limbo with the whole thing.