Christmas Vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Christmas Vent
34
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 3:06pm

I feel like the most selfish person on earth right now. And I don't blame anyone for coming back and slapping me in the face for thinking the way I do. Here's the deal...

As you all know, Shane lost his job a week ago and he immediately started a new one. It's going to be fine as long as he gets a check on the 1st. Otherwise, we're toast. The security deposit for our rental house is at the mercy of the owner and when she thinks we need to get it. I spoke to the property manager and she has no control.

We just bought a gorgeous new home, I'm pregnant with a healthy baby girl, it's our first Christmas as a married couple and new family, and I have the most beautiful little boy that adores me and the man I chose to spend my life with. What more could I ask for? Right? So why am I so depressed?

The bonus check Shane got a few weeks ago bought Dylan's Christmas gifts and paid some bills we were behind on. We were both under the impression the advance he took on the 1st was against the bonus check, but we were wrong. We shopped for Dylan, we bought a nice gift for Shane's mom, and I looked for a gift for my folks, but wasn't sure what I wanted to buy yet, so I decided I'd wait on that plus the gifts for Shane and I to exchange until the 15th after he got another check and we got moved. That way, less stuff to move and less chance anyone would run across their gift. Unfortunately, the check he got on the 15th after being fired was just a few hundred dollars because the advance was taken against this check. We've put things off, changed due dates where we could, and it's been a nightmare.

I'm sad because we managed to get Shane's mom a really nice gift and my parents who haven't been able to exchange gifts to each other in years are going to be empty handed. It's not fair. I am thankful as well that we will see Dylan's eyes light up Christmas morning when he sees his gifts under the tree. And he's so sweet because if I couldn't give him a thing, he'd hug me and say, "It's okay mommy." He never asks for anything. He's such a good boy. So sensitive to me and loves me so much.

Okay and YEAH, I'm bummed about Shane's and my gifts. It's not the be all and end all of the day, but I planned on giving him that nice cookware and knives and I know he'd love it. And he planned a special something for me that he tried once to order and got a refund because it couldn't be ordered thru that person. He was very upset. I asked him what it was since he couldn't get it and he said he wouldn't tell me because he wasn't giving up on it yet. It must be special and I know he's upset that this happened and he can't do it now.

Sure, after we get back on our feet we can do a special Christmas just the tow of us when Dylan is gone to his father's. I plan to still give him his gift and for us to go to a nice dinner where he needs to wear a tie and I'll dress up and we'll come back and exchange gifts as we would have Christmas morning. Is it the same? No, but I plan to make it special anyway. He has no idea yet. But I am going to suggest it. Neither of us deserves to go empty handed. We've been thru too much and deserve to give each other the things we have put a lot of thought into over the past months.

I know that there are so many people outh there that have nothing and I'm so thankful I'm not one of them. I know everything happens for a reason. We closed late on our home so we would be relieved of a month of mortgage (we pay in Feb for the first time) because Shane was going to lose his job. It was all part of a plan and we'll be back on track because we are supposed to go thru this test to see how strong we are. And we'll make it. But until then, this will be probably the worst Christmas ever. I can't get into it. Shane even tried to help by putting on some Christmas music he likes and I cried. He feels helpless, but he knows I don't blame him for any of it. What has happened here is not his fault and I hope that his ex boss, the richest man in East Texas is proud of himself. But why wouldn't he be? He has everything. And now I know how he got it. By backstabbing others to get it.

Sorry if I brought anyone down. Just had to say my peace.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 3:27pm

I know you need a hug, Mel. But honestly, quit being a drama girl and get over it.

The worst Christmas ever?

You are happily married. You have a beautiful new home. You have a healthy little boy. You are pregnant with a healthy child. You have food on the table. You have a new dog.

Get over it all. You sound pathetic and whiney and materialistic. Seriously.

I'll think of you on Christmas Day while my family and I are sitting at the mental institution visiting my niece the 2 hours we are allowed to visit her. Who can't receive gifts. Who can't have any special food. Who is only allowed two visitors at a time. Who is so freaking drugged out - that if it's not a good day - we may as well not go 'cause she's a total zombie. But you'll never hear me whine and complain. MY husband is healthy. MY children are healthy and happy. We have a lovely, beautiful home. Our bills are paid. I think this will be one of the best Christmas' of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 3:33pm

I know it's tough and you have been through a lot in just the last few weeks. But you have a plan and you will make it work, and next Christmas you won't be having all these problems plus you'll have a beautiful little girl to enjoy it with.

I'm trying to keep Christmas this year in perspective too. I have a kept myself to a small budget because I promised myself I would not go into any more debt, and I know dd will be happy. In the past I've always gone overboard but this year I just bought her one very nice gift. We only have Christmas Eve together (I get her until near bedtime), and I won't get to see her open Santa gifts on Christmas morning (although I am buying her some Santa gifts and giving them to her dad to put out for her). I had her on Christmas last year and I know she will be happy to spend that day with her dad this year, but it is hard to think about not being with her on that day. My bf isn't the gift giving type (which is fine), and my mom, sister and I decided last year to buy presents for only the kids, although my mom did buy me a calendar (she left it here when she visited at Thanksgiving with dd's gifts) and of course dd made me a very cute ornament at preschool.

I don't have any family here and I am guessing my bf is going to spend it with his family (I haven't met them yet), so I borrowed a bunch of books from the library and I may go rent some movies, but mostly I think I will probably just enjoy a nice, quiet, peaceful day and be happy with all that I do have.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 3:57pm

Mel

Hugs to you. I'm really sorry you feel so depressed, but I can totally understand it, although I think the fact that you're pregnant and have raging hormones probably contribute to it as well. Like I've said in previous posts, the holidays are always a very hard time for me, and some days I have to literally talk to myself and encourage myself to try to get through the day. Being depressed isn't about not being grateful for what you have, or being upset about what you don't have. It just is, and you just can't help it. The only thing you can do is what you did in your post. Remind yourself of all the good things that you do have, like Shane and Dylan, and try to focus on that. If it wasn't for my twins, I would be a real basket case this Christmas. They pull me through it every time. I try to focus on them and the all the blessings I do have, and try to forget about everything else. Like I said, I know you can't help it, and it defintely doesn't make you a bad person. Try to remember that the struggles you are encountering right now will pass, and things will get better. I wish you and your family a blessed Christmas. I hope I helped.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 4:18pm

I remember my first Christmas after my divorce. I had to give up Dylan for that day too. It was miserable. Maybe that was the worst Christmas I ever had just because it was the first one I ever had absolutely alone. So I know where you are coming from.

I hope that you do get to enjoy some quiet time and make the most of the day. I know we are going to do that too. And yeah we do have a plan. We budgetted a certain amount to not go overboeard and didn't at all, but we certainly didn't plan for this firing. Oh well...we'll make it and so will everyone else in a bind.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 4:19pm

Mel,

I was thinking a little more about what you are saying, and I think you are harboring a lot of anger and resentment toward Shane's former employer. Your anger is not going to hurt his former boss, not for one second, he doesn't care. But it can eat at you and eat at you if you let it. You need to find a way to let the anger go. You don't have to forgive his former boss, but you do have to accept that it was their choice to let Shane go, and focus on the fact that he landed a new job immediately and has another great opportunity lined up very soon after. You are so very lucky that he has those connections and you don't have to try to get unemployment and then spend months hoping he gets another job. If you keep this anger inside it is just going continue to bring you down and ruin your holidays.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 4:25pm

You really did help. I'm remembering the true meaning of Christmas in the grand scheme of things and how we aren't the most pathetic people alive. We just are going thru a rough patch and we'll get past it like we always do in hard times. I don't care about the money or gifts or any of it honestly. Yeah, it's a bummer to have plans to give nice things to your spouse and end up not being able to. Who wouldn't feel slighted when you had such great plans that got broken because of things you can't control?

I know what you mean by your twins getting you thru things. My Dylan is my little angel. And of course, there is always Shane, my true love of my life. He really feels horrible about how this all happened and he feels like a failure so part of that is why I'm so upset. I want him to realize he's taking excellent care of us and that none of it is his fault. And I admire him for trying to cheer me up. Even if it hasn't worked too well.

But being depressed is just that. Being depressed and when things go wrong, it affects you. Especially when things go bad during a time like the holidays when everyone should be happy. And it's not making me a bad person to feel bad and I'm glad you acknowledged that I'm not a bad person for feeling like I do.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 4:39pm

I didn't mean to step on your toes, Min. I know there are others out there having it much worse than I am. I think I mentioned it in my post. I didn't post it to get sympathy and "poor poor Mel". I just thought I'd say that I wished things were better. The way we had planned them to be. I don't think I'm wrong to feel slighted when we had certain plans for the holidays and that there are people on our list that will go without a gift from us while we managed to give to others. Both families have done loads for us and we wanted to give them something special to say thank you and to me, it just seems wrong to hand out a nice gift to one and not to the other. But what's done is done and we already gave Shane's mom her stuff since we won't be there on Christmas.

As for Shane and me, well, that's just the breaks. I'd rather see Dylan enjoy his stuff than open a gift of my own any day. I guess I am materialistic to an extent. We all are guilty of it. Whether we know it or not. At least I'm most upset about not being able to give to other family members and not sitting and crying over not getting a gift myself.

I'm very sorry about what your family is going thru and I'm not discounting it at all. And I have thought of that often since you mentioned it and would be praying on Christmas for your family. I know that Christmas is about family and togetherness and over all, enjoying the time you have together. And I feel for those who can't be with their families for whatever reason. I've been on the receiving end of that and it sucks.

I know I should feel horrible about the way I feel this year, but I can't apologize for feeling bummed out over my husband losing his job and finding out if we want insurance coverage, we will have to shell out MEGA bucks to keep it. Yes, I am worried about coverage for me and my unborn child and it sucks more than I can explain.

It's not fair that this happened and I just can't help it if I'm mad as Hell. I just am.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 4:46pm

I think the problem is that you have a design/story in your head about the perfect Xmas and this one just doesn't fit - although you are almost there with the house, dog, good health and pregancy.

Get rid of the expectations and make lemonaide, girl. Here are some ideas:

1) Take back Shane's mom's gift (or even one of Dylans) and divvy the money between two gifts - one for her and one from your parents OR....
Make something nice for your parents. Cookies, a home-made treat, something, anything.

2) You and Shane can make handwritten love letters of why you appreciate each other. Get the gifts when you have the money.

3) Put a big big red bow on your door to remind you that this year's big big present is a new house. They really don't get any bigger or more special than that one!!

Don't be a drama queen - be positive and focus on the positive - did you read the notice I put up called "the one you feed" -

Here it is:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he says to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority,
lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is good - he is gratitude, joy, peace, love,
hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you -
and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather which wolf would win.
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Cheers and hugs!!!!!




Edited 12/21/2004 4:56 pm ET ET by west1745
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 4:56pm

Mel, I am not sure what kind if any responses you wanted. I know you were venting and I see you've gotten several responses (haven't read them yet) but I wanted to point a couple of things out.


First, you said: But until then, this will be probably the worst Christmas ever.

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 5:01pm

Great ideas! Good post Judy.


Mel, I was thinking "why don't they return the other gifts" too. These would be good solutions.


And I agree. You have VERY VERY high expectations. I can't think of ANY ONE SINGLE scenario in my life that has gone "according to plan" And you are right. You can feel angry and frustrated. OR, you can choose to not set such high expectations, and then roll with the changes and uncertainties as they come.

Becky

Becky

 

 

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