When Do You Have Time To Date?
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When Do You Have Time To Date?
| Thu, 12-23-2004 - 11:21pm |
The dating scene after divorce is really depressing. I give up. I went on a few dates but everything is so complicated when you have kids. You can't bring anyone around the kids, you got to focus on your kids first, when does a single mother find time? I'm lonely but I really don't see myself being able to pursue a relationship with someone. It's hard to find a man that understands that my kids come first.

Hi Jodyann!
I think it is hard to manage dating and parenting. My bf didn't meet my dd until we were dating almost a year, and even then they met by accident (long story). Up until he met her, I only saw him when dd was with her dad (for me that is every other week) and then very occasionally he would come over after she was asleep and leave before she woke up. I think it's easier to date someone who also has a child or children, because they understand keeping the kids out of it and they get being a parent. My mom doesn't like that my bf has a child, because she says he'll always put his child first - but I think it's a good thing because he gets that I will always put my dd first. It can also make it more complicated if the guy has kids. I know someone who had to break up because they had their kids on opposite days, so they couldn't find any time to see each other.
I like online dating. You can find out a little about the guy before you even meet, and you can rule out a lot of people by emailing them or talking to them.
Hi Jodyann,
Welcome and Merry Christmas!!
I have been divorced for 4 years and have dated along the way. I have a lot of girl friends who are single - both with and without children - and both divorced and never married - and all ages from 20 to 50. All I can say is that finding someone is a universal challenge among all of these women, myself included. They would all say it is difficult to find a nice guy with a mutual attraction who wants a relationship.
In my opinion you have to set your sights on improving yourself - making your life happy and efficient - with interests and hobbies. I think you have to put yourself at least equal with your children with regards to time and money. I come first with regards to keeping fit and looking good - that is non-negotiable.
With regards to time:
1) I don't think you should make dating the focus of your life. I think you should make YOU the focus of your life. Get happy, get busy with YOU. I am not sure of your schedule, but I have found that saying NO gets me a lot more time. I do not volunteer a lot of hours and I don't run my son all around to a million activities, including birthday parties. I have babysitters and family and I am not afraid to use them to get more personal time. My son and I have a better relationship because of this.
2) I think that if you met the right person you would find more time and become creative to make it work!!
With regards to online dating, all I can tell you is my experience:
1) It is good to gain dating experience and figure out what you want and don't want with regards to a relationship. But I truly feel the likelihood of meeting someone that way is SLIM. There are women on this board who have met SOs and husbands that way - but I have found that most of the men in my age range have a LOT of baggage and problems. I spent 2 years on match.com and eharmony.com.
2) I feel that online dating is very time consuming and takes you away from making your life better.
3) Most of the men online are looking for sex. You have to be able to distinguish love from passion. I have never been good at this.
I feel your best chance for finding someone is to chill, be great and let them come to you. This requires patience and faith.
I hope I have helped you in some way. Please stay on our board and share your stories. Tell us more about you and your kids!!
I thought that if I gave you a list of what I have done since my divorce you would see better what I mean about focusing on yourself.
- I have become very athletic and fit and compete in triathlons - I have friends in three sports: swimming, biking, running. (I have a major crush on my coach, too!)
- This year I am going to do a Half Ironman in St. Croix. (I fly free and the hotel is only $70 per night so this is not as expensive as it may seem.)
- Although I am 42, I have a lot of younger friends, including my 20-something Latin babysitters - and they have totally reconstructed my looks!! We are talking new makeup, new clothes, new shoes, better haircut. All of the sports makes me a small size and all of this is fantastic and fun for me.
- I got glamour shot photos when I turned 40 and I look much younger than when I first had my son at 34 - and he is the one who noticed this one day when we were looking at photos!!
- I got rid of the dog - it is too time consuming and too much money - my son agreed we had to find her a better home and we did - a lady whose dog died of cancer and adores our dog. She was chewing everything and barking during the day when I have a home office.
- I have totally redone the house - all new colors with paint, California closets for me and my son, new counters in the kitchen, new furniture for me (bought clearance stuff and rented a truck to deliver it myself!!)
- I have cleaned and organized the whole house - cabinets - closets - the garage - the attic. I sold a lot of stuff on ebay and gave a lot away to charities so there is nothing we don't need.
- I have read a lot of books on relationships.
- I have read a lot of books on personal finances and how to be more frugal. I cut the expenses for my business in half. And I cut our food spending in half.
- My son has done great - he does triathlons, too - he runs 5k races with me and is on the swim team. He does well in school and has a lot of nice friends in our neighborhood.
All of this is so much better than the disappointment of just spinning wheels to find a man!! Not that I haven't dated - I do have a lot of stories from dating - but I am being all I can be until the right person comes along.
I hope this helps!!
I know what you mean about the depression. In the beginning I had a lot of bad/sad days. But now after 4 years I have mostly good days. There are still a few times where I have what I call a drama moment or leftover storm of the divorce - that is where I get overwhelmed with a sad or angry emotion without real notice.
I think it is natural to mourn a marriage, even if the one you had was not happy. We all have dreams and hopes for ourselves and our futures. And when you have to give that up for the unknown plus deal with all of the uncertainties and hard times of divorce, life can be tough.
Here is a story I posted in October:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=7455.1&ctx=128
On the same note, when I was just driving from my parents house to here I became sad. My sister had called with stories of how her children got up at 6:30 and had all the presents opened by 7:10AM!! That is fun and funny - but at the same time, I wished I was in my house with my own children and husband and doing the same thing. This year I am alone because I do not have an SO and my son is with his dad.
I think that if you post here and read the posts here more often it will help you a lot to see that others share your pain. And that perhaps, too, you are better off than many, not only on this board, but in this world.
A little beam of sun is always around the corner!! I know that better days are ahead of us now.
I don't have any answers, I just hope I can give you a little bit of the other side of the picture.
I was separated just before Xmas about 10 years ago and divorced shortly after Xmas about 2 years later. It was and has been no picnic for me during that time.
I found that women wanted a man who was "good husband" material, but not someone who had children. Sheese, a man with children who values them and puts them first has shown that he's the best husband material. I have 4 kids and part of the reason for the divorce was that I DID put my children first and my wife didn't. She dumped them on me for two years during the separation so that she could pursue her own desires. Not that I minded, since I felt that they were better off with me than with her, anyway.
All of that aside, there are a lot of men that have trouble finding women who are serious about relationships. I have them for friends and see what goes on from this side of the gender fence. I also have tried different aveneues to meet women and found that I had a lot of trouble because they defined the relationship by the presence of sex. It may not be common (although my friends are this way), but there are men that will not have sex before (or outside of) marriage, and we get the same sourt of crap that women get.
I'm not putting blame on either side, I just want to let women know that finding someone who's serious about marriage/commitment/children is a problem for someone of either gender.
Michael
Wow - how cool that you are from Florida, too. I am in the southern part so we have had clouds but fortunately warm weather and no rain.
I hope your Xmas was nice. Mine was okay and now I am happy back at home. My ds comes home Tuesday morning.
Hi Michael,
I hope your holiday went well. Thanks for your post - it is refreshing and gives me hope.
:-)