Christmas and men

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Christmas and men
9
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 3:40pm

I'm so confused! Several weeks ago, I posted a question regarding interracial relationships. Things have been going great! We see each other as often as possible and he calls me every day. We have had telephone conversations that last for hours! I haven't done that since I was in high school 20 years ago!

I never expected a daily phone call, but now that he's started it, I'm feeling a little weird that I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. He said that his oldest children (13 & 17) may be coming to spend some time with him at Christmas, but HELLO - the phone still works!

Am I wrong to feel so confused by this? Are my expectations too high? We didn't have any plans for Christmas - we are too new for that - but I expected that I would have heard from him. It seems like men usually get weird around Christmas time. Could he have really just decided that he was finished with me? We work together, so it's not as if he could just never see me again. Ohhh...I hate being so dramatic! Somebody stop me!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: juls68
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 9:49pm

I know it's HARD when you first start out with someone and you want to be with them all the time to pull back a little and give some space.

What you need to do is play it "cool" a little. The more you seem upset that he hasn't called, the more likely he'll split, since he'll see you as being clingy. If you are more "unfazed" that he didn't call, he will figure that you have other interests, and as the relationship progresses, he may want himself to be your main interest.

What do you do? You wait until tomorrow, call him up around noon and wish him a merry christmas (if he celebrates it) and don't add that you've missed him or why hasn't he called. And keep the conversation (or message) short, that you have a bunch of other things to do, people to talk with.

Yes, some men get a weird about the holidays, but they do appreciate being remembered. So drop him a quick hello and tell him to give you a call later on in the week if he wants to get together next weekend.

Good luck!
Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: juls68
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 10:00pm
I agree with the previous post. It's normal to have frequent phone calls initially because you are just getting to know each other on a personal level, but it's also common for it to slow down a bit after a few weeks. Add to that his kids might be in around, and if he doesn't see them often he may feel guilty taking time away from them to chat on the phone. My bf would never call me when he had his son because he felt his time with his son was already way too short. Plus this man's children are older, and if he calls you they might start with 'daddy's got a guuuuurlfriend' and he might think it's unnecessary this early in the relationship to let them get wind of it. I like alison's suggestion to call tomorrow and wish him a merry christmas and leave it at that, and definately don't let him know you are worried/wondering about the fact he hasn't called.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
In reply to: juls68
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 10:16pm
I so hope that you two are right! Like I said before, I never expect so much contact with someone, but he did it and it scared me now that it's not continuing. I'll wait and see what happens, and I think I'll even dial straight into his voice mail tomorrow and leave a message, rather than calling him.
I've never been someone who always has to be in a relationship, but I'll really be disappointed if it doesn't work out this time. I really like this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
In reply to: juls68
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 10:02am
Ok, I'm feeling really silly now. He called me last night just before midnight. I didn't say anything to indicate that I had been the least bit worried or confused. I was so proud of myself for that! ;0
He said he had been spending time with his kids and he waited till they were in bed before he called me. I understand that.
I guess that it's been so long since I've met someone I really had an interest in that I'm pretty quick to assume that he's not as into me as I am him. What a relief that he has called!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: juls68
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 1:23pm

Yes, it is a relief that he called. As I was reading all of these posts I was getting ready to comment that when men get around their kids they don't call unless the kids are sleeping or busy.

YOu handled everything very well. Good!!

Merry Christmas!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: juls68
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 10:55am

I agree. Men do get "weird" around Christmastime. I think it's such a high pressure holiday and they worry about expectations. Will she expect me to propose and give her a ring? Will she expect greater commitment? Will she expect something bigger than the travel coffee mug with a 7-11 Gift card that I bought her? Will she want to meet my mom/dad/grandparents/bestfriends/kids?


Anxiety anxiety anxiety!!!


And people are SO BAD about communicating their expectations. Even if you have some that you know are unreasonable, I think it's good to voice them and clear the air so there are no unspoken's and that way you CAN come to an agreement on what your holiday needs to be and just how "couple'ish" you are going to be.


Did you hear from him? Do you know for sure now why he hasn't called as much? (I guess I should read the rest of the thread huh?)

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: juls68
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 10:56am

OK! *thumbs up* All is well. Nice that he waited for the kids to be in bed to keep things uncomplicated.


And yes, we're proud of you too for not letting him know you were freaking out. ;)

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
In reply to: juls68
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 5:44pm
I can't believe how BAD I was freaking out!! He called me several times on Christmas day and then he called again yesterday. By last night, he called and said that all the kids were off with their cousins, so he came over to watch a football game at my house. He knows that I don't watch football, but I don't mind having it on because then he's here! :) It was good to see him again and be assured that he's as into me as I am him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: juls68
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 11:01am
That is great! I know it's so easy to freak out. I do it and I try to keep it to my bf. The more I act normal, the more normal I become. :)

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