Big Fat Loser
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| Mon, 12-27-2004 - 12:12pm |
I wish the happiness and joy I felt on Christmas morning could last forever. But Christmas is over, and depression and sadness have set in. Everyone gathered at my parents house on Christmas Day for dinner and presents, even little sis, her husband (my exbf) and her baby. Things went better than expected. She was actually pleasant. There were no arguments or incidents. I was nice, and I actually had little conversations with her here and there. Right around dinner time, I got a migraine that lasted for the rest of the night. I think there is something to me being with my family and getting migraines (like on Thanksgiving). Everyone opened presents then hung around for a while. I left around 10:00. Then I got in the car and on the way home I completely lost it. I think the pressure was too much for me. I was relieved it was over. It was like once I got in my car and started off for home, I didn't have to pretend any more, or be strong or "go with the flow" and I had a melt down. Tears were flowing the whole way home. I felt like a big fat loser -- like such an incredible failure. If it was just me, mom and dad and all my other sisters, minus little sis, I don't think I would have felt that way. But spending all day with her (and I mean all day) was too much. It just reminded me of all the ugly things that happened, and how she got what I wanted, and the fact that I was alone (and the only one who was alone) was glaring like a sore thumb. Had I been there with someone, I wouldn't be feeling that way. But, I was alone, again, and I just felt like a big loser. I could just imagine my sister laughing at me or feeling sorry for me, and that just makes me nuts. Plus, not a single person in my family understands how I feel, but they don't care either. I'm just supposed to be a good daughter and fall in line and do what's expected, no matter how it makes me feel or how hard it is for me. THANK GOD IT'S OVER. But I still feel like a big fat loser. And I know that's just me, but I can't help but feel that way. When I told my oldest sister that I felt like that, she told me it wasn't true. And I know it's just me -- just the demons in my heading trying to mess with me and keep me down. So far, they're winning. I just try to think about my kids, because they truly were the best part of Christmas for me, and they always will be.
Donna

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Donna,
I'm sorry that you had to go through that stressful Christmas Day. I think anyone in your position would feel the same way....but, you know you are not a loser. I hope you start feeling better soon.
I'm always down at this time of the year. I think it's the weather and the darkness of Winter. If I had to spend a Christmas like you did, I would have gotten a migraine too and cried.
Do something good for yourself for NYE. Even if you're alone, you can have a great NYE. Plan something special for yourself....bubble bath, candles, rent a movie, get some wine (or something).
((HUGS))
Tricia
You are right the demons are getting to you and damn it-- you ARE blessed. You have not lost anything there for you are not a loser.
You are a single mom of twins and I KNOW how hard that is. AND having a man in your life is not all its cracked up to be...hey even the married ladies that post here arent posting ROSY things on a daily basis. Relationships are work too! AND you know this but in the end its Y O U that needs to be happy. Discover yourself -- look inward and forget about others perceptions.. its between you and god. NO ONE ELSE!! Once you realize that it sets you free.
HUGS -- and just to make you feel better "I" am proud of you and think alot of you and KNOW what it takes to do what you are doing!!
:) MaryBeth
Tricia:
Thanks. I'm very fortunate that I get my kids for NYE. For the past three years, we have done the same thing -- we go to this game arcade called Haunted Trails. They close the place for the party. You get all you can eat buffet, plus appetizers, and the food is really good. The kids get game tokens, and at midnight they do a toast and countdown with a balloon drop. I always go with my sister, but she had other plans for this year, and my kids were disappointed. So, I decided to go without her. I asked my friend Jesse and his kids to join us, and last I talked to him, he was still planning on making it. It really is a good time. The kids have a blast -- they can run around all night and I don't have to worry about what they are doing or where they are -- it's safe and fun. Wehn my depression really kicks in, I have to focus all my energy on my kids, because they really pull me out of the blues. Thank God for them.
Donna
Donna,
Your NYE plans sound great. I don't have my son every other year for NYE, so I do the bubble bath, candle thing. The first NYE that I was alone, I was so sad. Now, I kind of like it when I'm alone.
I hope you guys have lots of fun!
Donna!?!?!?!?!? ((((Hug))))
Why why WHY do you feel like a big fat loser? What have YOU done that warrants that? You are a strong, incredible, self sufficient woman who is single handedly raising TWINS to be proud of! You work full time! You are taking care of your needs.
I just don't understand why the word "loser" would be in your vocabulary? Being alone does not make ANYONE a loser. It shows your strength to the rest of the world. Shows that you CAN be alone until someone who is worth the effort of being in a relationship comes along. Weak people can't be alone. Do you know what I mean?
I do understand holiday depression. Totally. I am sorry you feel bad. What can you do for Yourself tonight to cheer up a bit? Go book shopping? Go to Target and buy something that you like, just because you can? Get some exercise (always helps. I took a great walk yesterday and felt wonderful in the fresh air). Take a long candlelit bubble bath?
Big hugs to you. I think you're great. I hope you can cheer up and see that yourself soon!
hey even the married ladies that post here arent posting ROSY things on a daily basis.
HA! I was thinking the same thing. That's why I say I think it takes a really strong WINNER to be ok with being alone for a time.
Becky & Others:
My little sis just gets to me. I'm just very grateful that I was able to hang in there and stay strong the whole day. I'm glad she didn't see me fall apart. We always had a competition thing going between us, and when she ended up with my boyfriend, that just mad it worse. I don't play the game any more, but she still does. I found out today that I really p***** her off because I got her son a Play Station game that he wanted. Apparently, which I didn't know, he has Play Station at dad's house, but little sis bought him an Xbox for Christmas and she wanted all Xbox games. How was I supposed to know that? I can never win in her world. I'm always wrong, bad, etc., etc., etc. Being around her brings my self-esteem down. But, thank God, I won't have to see her for months, I hope. I won't be around for Easter, so I get a break there. I'm PMS'y on top of the holiday blues, but this too shall pass. My kids are my greatest saviors. I spent $15.00 and got Alex this SpongeBob video game player that plugs right into the tv. It's awesome. We've had a great time challenging each other to games. Best $15 I ever spent. I go to counseling tonight, which will help. Then I'll spend the rest of the evening being with my kids. I have a great New Years Eve planned. I just have to focus on all the good, and try to forget the bad.
Donna
That sounds good, re: the counseling tonight. I am sure it WILL help.
I wanted the Mrs. Pac Man plug in game like the SpongeBob one. But I wasn't sure those would work very well. Apparently they do! Too cool. I'll have to get that for myself. ;)
((((Donna)))),
Big hugs to you dealing with crummy family members/self-esteem issues
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