Single again with two this time

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Single again with two this time
12
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 11:22am

Hello everyone, new here! I am tehtehpink, 28, seperated for 3 months & have filed for divorce. My relationship has been over for a couple of years, just been delaying the inevitable. We finally moved out of our $150,000.00 house into a single wide in a trailer park. I have 2 kids, girl 9 & son 3. I work full time m-f 9-5. I work tues, thurs, & every fri or sat. at night at a restaurant. I also have been pre-contracting with Western/Southern Life Insurance for the last month to become an insurance agent. I have school next week for licensing. So, I am a busy single parent.

Anyway, I am single again, this time with two kids instead of one. My question is this............when I got married, I had my daughter who was 2 & who is now almost 10. In addition I now have a son who is 3. How is it when you start dating someone with the kids being involved with their dads? I mean I feel guilty that I want to be happy, like I am being selfish to the kids. I know they both love my husband very much & my daughter is active in her relationship with her dad, but I can't help but wonder how our lives will revolve now. She wanted us to move out as well. I know I did the right thing by finally moving out, but where do I go from here? Like I said our relationship has been over for a long time so the emotional pain is pretty much over. I want to date & have a life again, socially. Once I switch jobs over to the insurance business I will no longer be so busy & I am sure I will meet lots of new people just from that.

So how do you tell people your situation & what do you tell your kids if anything when they want to know what you did while they were at their dads for the weekend? As far as dating goes?

any advice would be great! Thank You

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 11:31am

I want to say welcome and give support somehow.

I don't have the experience to tell you what I think you should do. But I would say you should get divorced and become stable with your life and children. Then worry about dating.

I don't think you will have a problem - you are financially independent with goals and 2 sweet kids. There are other women on here in similar situations and they will give you good advice.

In the end you just have to be honest and be yourself.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 11:37am

Hi and welcome welcome! I'm so glad you joined us!


I am sorry you're having to go through this divorce and the resulting issues with the kids. I am sure it must be hard. I was never married myself, so that part of the "single dating mom" equation was left off. But there are others here who have been and are currently in your shoes.


I want to say first and foremost, do NOT EVER feel guilty that you want to date, have fun and be happy and content, because you think that might be unfair to your kids. They need a happy mom more than anything in the world. But be sure that YOU are ready to move on to a dating relationship (and know exactly what KIND of dating/relationship you are ready for) before hand. There are many women here who have said that even though they felt "emotionally divorced" for long before the real divorce, it still took healing from the official legal day to begin to really heal and be content as a single woman.


I think the key to successful dating is just that. Being content with being alone. Not putting too much on someone else for your happiness, or to fill a recent void.


For me, even though I hadn't been married, I still didn't let my son know I 'dated'. I just said I was "hanging out with friends" OR, when he met a significant other, it was my "friend so-and-so" and there was NO physical contact between my date and myself in front of my child. That was my way to keep things uncomplicated.


Welcome again. You are an incredibly strong and courageous woman to work as hard as you do!

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:25pm

Just a quick note to say welcome. I, myself, in my first marriage was in a situation where the relationship had really been over for a long time and we delayed the inevitable for far too long so I'm not about to give you any guff that it's too soon. As far as the kids, I'd just say that I'd gone out with friends if they asked. And I personally think that the most important thing with making them gradually comfortable with mom having a dating life (not that they need to be exposed to that, just that eventually they'll probably "get it" that mom does date even if you don't bring dates around) is to not give out any negativity toward their dads. I really believe one of the reasons dd has bonded so well with my dh and was so accepting of him when she met him is that we never made her feel like she was betraying her bio dad by liking someone else. She didn't feel that she had to choose. And it made it much easier on her I think.

As far as guilt, don't feel guilty. You need to have a life and be happy and the children will benefit from it. Obviously you're not the kind of mom that would neglect the kids in order to prioritize finding a boyfriend so there's no need to feel guilty. Have fun. Welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:41pm

Well as far as telling my son about my weekend, he's still young, so I never had to bother with that part, luckily. But the whole dad part....just be honest with who you are dating. They deserve to know you have kids so they can make an educated decision on whether they can handle that. You'd be surprised at how many can.

I recently got married for the second time and am pregnant with our daughter. But my son and my husband clicked right away. They met when I was just friends with my husband. And that's how I figured out how great it would be to be with him. But that isn't always how things work. My way of doing things while single was to only date or go out when my son was with his father. The other weekends were ours together until I became serious with my now husband, Shane and then he came over to our place or we'd go over to his and we just all did stuff that Dylan, my son could do. But it took time for me to feel alright about it.

Your daughter is old enough to understand that you will be dating sometimes and cannot be expected to sit home alone. I doubt she wants to see you marry again very soon because she might worry another divorce will happen, but I think she might want to see her mom happy. If she asks, tell her you met a nice man and you both went out for a little while. She doesn't need to know specifics and don't volunteer info. I know it's hard dating with kids. Making sure they are okay and worrying about them while you're out is not easy at all. But we have to do it if we plan to have a life of our own and we all deserve it. We work too hard to sit alone.

Are you dating now? Or are you interested in someone? Is this why you are asking?

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:10pm

Thank you to everyone for letting me know I am welcome here. Everyone seems so awesome in this board. I can say I think I might have found home.

I was seeing someone for about a month, but he is older & just got out of a 20 year hell of a marriage to a women who emotionally abused him for years & he held on to get their daughter through high school & into college since she was never home-out screwing around.
But, don't get me wrong the relationship has now turned into a very serious friendship. We are better friends & I can honestly say I am so much more mature now than I used to be with that sort of thing. He has opened my eyes to the world again & made me realize that I am not in the dead end marriage from hell. My ex isn't a bad guy, just a passive one. I can't wait to start seeing someone new. I have finally gotten my life back to being me, but I just want to have that emotional warmth that I haven't had for so long. I don't NEED a man, I just want one. LOL! I just haven't dated in 8 years and when I did, my daughter was so little it wasn't a concern since she couldn't go out with me anywhere anyway. I just am not sure how to meet people, or where to, or what to do for fun, or how to handle someone being around my children. I know from seeing other people who have gone through this that I don't want my kids to meet anyone until I am very comfortable about him & until way after the divorce. Thanks Everyone for your advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:50pm

Hi, and welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 3:16pm

Hi and welcome! I haven’t read the other responses yet, so I may repeating or not, what others have said, but here is my opinion…

Congratulations on getting out on your own and supporting your kids. You sound like a very ambitious and dependable person! I think you’re lucky that your kids have a relationship with their father as well.

If I were in your shoes, and I was (except with only one child, 5 years old at the time) I would keep your dating life to yourself! There is no need to tell your kids or your ex anything about what you are doing on your own free time. Be smart and be safe about your plans and be careful. If you have a friend you can trust to confide in that would be your best choice of someone to talk to about your dates, etc…or use this board!

I would also caution you to take your time and move slowly, although I am the last person qualified to give this advice because I jumped in with both feet after separating from my ex. I had a great time, but I kept my dating life super secret from my daughter and my ex. I had a close friend (my neighbor and landlord) who always knew where I was going and how to reach me and two great girlfriends who I could dish the details to.

My daughter didn’t find out anything about my dating life until it was time for her to meet my SO who I had been dating for over 4 months. And then my ex found out. That was NO fun. But eventually with time, it all smoothed itself out.

So in a nutshell, get yourself situated, with a comfortable schedule and environment, have a good time meeting people, take it slow, be safe, date around your kid’s time with their dad, and keep it to yourself for as long as you can.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:44pm

Welcome to you!! You have already gotten great advice, but I would like to answer one of your questions, if I may.

"So how do you tell people your situation & what do you tell your kids if anything when they want to know what you did while they were at their dads for the weekend? As far as dating goes?" I would like to answer this from the viewpoint of my own experience. I'm a single mom of 7-year-old twins. Their dad left when they were 3 months old. I'll spare you all the drama, but I've had a pretty rocky dating life. I made my mistakes, and now I have learned from them. My children, especially my son, is VERY protective of me. He once told me that I don't need to date anyone, all I need is him. Well, as cute as that sounds, I don't happen to agree. I do need to meet people, and I don't feel guilty about it any more. I just go to greater lengths to protect them, so to speak. I keep my kids out of my dating life as much as possible. When I meet someone new, I ask them to call me after the kids are in bed. If they aren't in bed when I get the call, I ask if I can call him back. My daughter is a little busy-body, and she always wants to know what I do when she is with her dad, because she's convinced she's missing something good. I just tell her that I stayed home and what I did at home, or I tell her that I went to a movie with a friend. I don't let them know I was on a date. I don't advocate lying to your children, I guess it's more of a little white lie.

The last guy I dated did not meet my kids and we dated for 6 months, but he did talk to them on the phone at around probably 4 or 5 months. My kids get real attached to people, and I don't want to hurt them, so I just wanted things to be real stable with us before they met him. Well, I'm glad they never met him because we broke up. Now this same guy is back in my life, but they know nothing about it. They didn't know I saw him last Thursday when they were with their dad. Mark called Monday night when I wasn't home, and my son picked up the phone. When I walked in the door, his face was lit up like a light bulb, and he said, "Mom, guess who called, your friend Mark". Then he proceeded to tell me about the conversation they had. Then my son said he wanted to ask Mark if we could all go to dinner, but Mark hung up before he could get the sentence out. My son obviously likes this guy, and I want to shield him from all of this until I am sure things will work out between us. Plus, in my case, there is another angle. The less my kids know, the less they can tell their dad; who is mostly an idiot, and will make my life hell if he knows my personal business.

As everyone else has said, you sound like a very strong and smart woman, whose children are the center of her life. There are no right and wrong answers. I only told you what worked for me. You will know when the time is right for any man you date to meet your kids. I was ready for my kids to meet Mark, then we broke up. You defintely will know in your heart when the time is right. Good luck to you, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 10:11am

Thanks for the advice...........now I have some more questions to your responses. I feel confident that I will be able to handle dealing with a man meeting my children,if I ever want a man again, not right now, just social dating, but do you think that making time for yourself is ok. Is it ok if you feel like you need a night out with your girlfriends even if it is your weekend? That is the part I feel quilty about. I work so much the only time I have alone is when I am sleeping! LOL! My ex & I share our son, but he is so nosey about what I am doing when I don't have him, like if I am not working, then why can't I have him with me. We don't really do the everyother weekend thing since I work a lot during the week & sometimes the weekend is the only time for me to see the kids when I am not just putting them to bed.

Another thing........I am a pretty smart woman & very independent, but my ex thinks he still owns me. I hate that. We do not have child support or anything as far as custody goes, because he pays the daycare that is $85.00 wk & my work schedule right now would give him grounds for custody rights over me, my lawyer stated. So I kinda have to be nice until I get started at this new job, but he called me today & was like what did you do last night? It is none of his business, but if he thinks I am seeing someone or running around, as he calls it, then he will be a total prick about everything. So what do you do when your ex still thinks he owns you. I was strong enough to move out, but I think he thinks we will eventually get back together. I think I should just ride this thing out until I start this new job, but he is driving me crazy calling me everyday. HELP........can you say obsessed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 11:56am

Tehtehpink:

I'd be happy to answer some of your questions. We do have a few things in common, and I'll just give you my viewpoint.

Your ex sounds like mine. He left me, but he still wants to own me as well. And he uses the kids as his excuse. He actually said to me that everything I do is his business because the kids live with me and those are his kids, so he has a right to know. Obviously, I don't agree with him. Both me, and my kids know that dad has a cow about everything. And I didn't even have to say anything to my kids -- they figured it out for themself. What I do have going for me is that my kids adore me (I'm not trying to brag, but they do -- and that's because they knew nothing but me for 3+ years of their life. Then their dad met his current wife, they he decided he wanted to be a dad and take his vitation. But 3+ years is a long time -- time that he can never make up). Anyway, because we all know what dad is like, we all try to be cool and minimize the damage so to speak. We try to keep what goes on in our house there and keep dad out of it. But, they're only 7, and I don't want to put stress on them. So I try to help the situation by keeping them out of my dating life for two reasons: (1) I don't want them to get attached to someone who may not stick around; and (2) dad. But because my kids adore me, they don't want dad to hurt me either. They get real upset when dad yells at me. They have even said to him on the few times that I have been late picking the kids up, "Dad, please don't yell at mom when she gets here". Since your ex seems to be the same way, my advice to you would be to set boundaries with him. You are not obliged to tell him things about your personal life. And when he asks, you can either tell a white lie, or you can say, "none of your business". That's up to you. Some people (like me) have trouble being confrontational, so sometimes I just tell a white lie.

"but if he thinks I am seeing someone or running around, as he calls "it, then he will be a total prick about everything. So what do you do when your ex still thinks he owns you"
My exh has been a total jerk to every man I ever dated. And even when I wasn't dating, he felt that when he had the kids I should stay home and do house things, like cleaning. What do you do? What I do is I don't argue with him any more because it gets me nowhere. My lawyer's advice to me was to listen to what he has to say, no matter how ridiculous it is, and agree with him or say, "I'll take that into consideration", and then do whatever you really want to do. Believe me, it works. As long as I don't argue with him, because that's what he wants, he really doesn't know what's going on, and that suits me just fine. Your ex definitely sounds obsessed. It sounds like he has nothing else to concern himself with except you. That will change when he meets someone else. In the meantime, my advice to you with the daily phone calls would be keep them short if you have to talk to him. And if you don't want to talk to him, let the call go to your answering machine. And when he asks you why you didn't call back, say you were too busy. I think that's pretty believable considering your schedule. The main thing is, do not let him intimidate you, even if your lawyer says he has custody rights. My ex played the "custody" card on me every time we disagreed about something. Until about 3 months ago I had had it and I said, go ahead, file for custody, and I will see you in court. Of course, that never happened. He threatened to file for custody because I take my kids to church -- how stupid is that. So, I met his bluff, and the word has never been mentioned again. I really think your ex and my ex are not happy with their lives, that's why they are so consumed with ours. You just have to get good at playing his game, and you will with time. I'm used to it by now. But whatever you do, when you start to date, don't tell him anything. He'll never leave you alone if you do.

As far as spending time by myself, I'll tell you what my best friend, who was a single mom and had a handicapped child once told me: "No one is happy unless mom is happy", and I really believe that. I used to feel guilty about going out on my weekends and not staying home and cleaning house or whatever, but I don't any more. I almost never go out when I have my kids, but that is because I do have the every-other-weekend arrangement with me ex, so I can always wait a week to go out. I can see why you would feel guilty leaving your kids when you have them, but you have to look at it this way. He your ex never takes them on the weekends, you have to do what you can to give yourself a little bit of time to yourself. I think it's important if you have a good babysitter. My kids LOVE my babysitter. So if I have to go out when I have the kids, they don't even care becuase they get to see Anna. Believe me, that makes a huge difference. And if your kids are happy, you won't feel so guilty. My motto is everything in moderation. A night out once or twice a month (which is what mine amounts to because of my visitation) is fine. Now if you go out all the time and leave your kids with a sitter constantly, I don't agree with that. But it doesn't sound like you would do that anyway. You just need a break every once in a while, and there is nothing wrong with that. Once you establish a bit of a schedule that way, it will get easier for you and the kids, and you won't feel guilty any more.

Sorry this is so long -- I tend to ramble. I hope I helped.

Donna

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