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| Thu, 12-30-2004 - 9:08am |
Oh where to start. I am sorry for being so emotional here the last couple days. I wasn't trying to make the situation in mbfun's thread more difficult. I should also mention that in addition to the issue with my bf, I bawled my eyes out this weekend at one show and another news story, and a lot of my emotions could relate to PMS. I take that birth control pill that is 3 months of pills and then you get your period. I wonder if my body really knows that it is time for that vs. thinking another month of pills is coming next, but it seems I am more emotional than usual so it must be that. :)
My bf called last night. He was sick since last week and lost his voice. He didn't use that as an excuse for not calling, but that is the reason. I was thinking more about it and this is not the first time he's gone that long without calling, it was a week and 1/2 and before it's been as long 2 weeks. But it was the first time that the not calling spanned a weekend I didn't have my dd, and the first time I had called but that he didn't call back within a day or so. Earlier in our relationship it was more common to have long periods without talking. He had is ds EOW and one weeknight, and he didn't want to talk on the phone then because he felt his time with his ds was too short and he wanted to focus on him when he was there. I followed his lead and didn't call him to talk when I had dd (50% custody, I have her every other week). Neither of us wanted to introduce the other to our children yet, so we usually didn't see each other when one of us had our child at home. There were only a handful of times he came over after my dd went to sleep in the first 11 months of the relationship. Otherwise we just saw each other on our kid-free weekends and once or twice during the week my dd was with her dad.
He has pulled away from me a couple of times. The first was when he found out they had set a court date for his custody case (he was worried and with good reason). The second was after he lost and he knew his ds was moving away (he was depressed). There have been a few times that he has gone for a time without calling that I have been sure that the relationship was over. Part of it is that the two other times in my life I've been dumped (that were serious relationships) it was by the guy just not calling and completely cutting me off. I think it's the worst kind of breakup because in addition to dealing with breakup pain, you have this period when you don't know what's going on and you have to figure it out for yourself. It sucks and I'm terrified of that happening again. The other part is that is that there is no real reason for him to go these long periods without calling. I understand he was sick, but all he had to do was send an email that he was sick and would call me in a week or so. Then I wouldn't worry or turn into a puddle of emotional mush. I know he can take care of himself. When he finally called last night I told him how worried I was and he said I should know he's invincible and the only person that can destroy him is himself. This is probably true.
My therapist thinks he's terrified of our relationship. He's not completely committment phobic. He was planning to marry his ds's mother before she got pg. It's a long story but the relationship was ending right at the point she got pg. They stayed together until their ds was a toddler, when she left. He was a SAHD and then she disappeared with their child for months and he couldn't see him until he could get a court order for visitation. This was the most devastating thing he thought could happen, until she got married and started a process to move away. The battle to move away had been going on for nearly 2 years when I met my bf. He has done a remarkable job of coping with the tremendous stress and depression the situation has caused, but it hasn't made having a relationship with him easy.
It's only been the last few months that our relationship really felt like a relationship. We really don't dwell on his custody situation much. We have fun, enjoy the same things, and I do get a lot out of the relationship. Since he met my dd we've been able to see each other almost every weekend, we talk on the phone more, and it has felt like the relationship was moving forward. I guess I wasn't expecting another period of him not calling or him pulling away. My general assessment (even before this past week) has been that he's a great person, a great father, but not always a great bf. Most of the time he is, occasionally he's not. The thing is he has the ability to be a great bf if he can get his visitation straightened out and if he decides to stay here. The problem, my therapist has warned me, is that by the time he does get it all worked out I might not want to be with him any more. I'm hoping that doesn't happen, I want things to work with him, but only time will tell. But in any case, I do try to keep my life my priority and focus on myself and my dd first, whether he's being a good bf or not.
I did tell him how I felt about not hearing from him this week. That was a big thing for me. For whatever reason, when I figured out how to let my heart be open and vulnerable to the possibility of the relationship working... I suddenly lost my ability to say how I felt. I am too scared most of the time. I've been working on it and I think I've made a lot of progress.
I went to his place last night. It's hard to resist a guy who's a great kisser and soooooo cuddly. Plus the sex is awesome. Compared to my marriage, which had very little sex, no intimacy and cuddling was usually not allowed, this relationship has been wonderful. There was no heartache in my marriage, but also no love or real connection between us.
Overall I just feel cautious right now. I know this past week is not a sign that the relationship with my bf has strength and will last. It might, but there are hurdles that must be overcome. Most of the hurdles are out of my hands and I need to keep my eye's open for signs that this is not going to work. Wow this post is long. My apologies and a big thank you to anyone who reads it all :)


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It is like going over there last night gave you an "injection of the drug" that you were withdrawing from!! And now you are okay. That would happen to me, too. And that is okay - you will not be "done" with this until you are ready - that is because you still have hope.
And I do think you could have hope in a small sense. He will have to come to grips with being a dad from afar. Your case is a bit different in that his kid was taken, he did not leave as mine did for his job transfer. (Patrick has gotten this great promotion to come here and his wife refused. He thought she would come to her senses but she sent divorce papers instead.)
No one can predict what will happen and you do have your eyes open. Your therapist is right on, too.
I was thinking, that I would add something to my story. Remember I said I had no idea what got me into that mess and that he passed all of my initial screens? He would never get this far now. Because I would not have sex right away with someone as I did with him. I would make sure our situations really jived and that he was "that into me" and wanted a relationship. I jumped in thinking he was stable just because he said he was and that he wanted the same things I do.
When you have a great sex life first, before developing a relationship, you don't really see if the guy is into you or the sex. And you don't develop other fun things to do. I think it is better to be friends first.
Just my two cents. But I do know your pain and I do send a hug and wish you well. I wish for you that it doesn't become fond memories and that it works. Only you will be able to make the judgement call of where it is going and what you should do. Just make sure you put you first.
One thing I wanted to say is that I know you haven't "mixed" your children yet. And that is okay - you will know when that time is right.
But when Patrick was with me and my son it would be very hard on him because that would make him miss his kids. You might want to be aware of that.
If only there could be guarantee's in life! You are right about the injection thing. Funny, but one of my medications is an injectible and I did have to take it last night. But my bf was the drug that I needed more :)
You are also right about the sex thing. Before this relationship most of mine went from first date to living together. My bf and I did have sex right away. I am stronger now and if there is a next relationship I know I can wait and develop other parts of the relationship first. I wish I would have done that here, I think I would still be in the relationship but the tone at the beginning would have been different and I think that would have made a difference in other parts of the relationship.
It's understandable because of the kind of father my bf is, but he feels by not following his ex and her husband he IS abandoning his child. He feels that even though they left and he did everything he could to stop it, he still has a responsibility to be involved in his ds's life and if he doesn't go he's falling short of his responsibility. The problem is there are huge barriers to moving there and it doesn't make a lot of sense to try and overcome them, becuase in a year they could up and move back or move somewhere else. Then he'd be stuck in a state he hates and still without his ds (and without me).
I really appreciate your adviec and that you read my overly lenthy post! Thank you.
My bf has been around my dd now for a couple months. I have never met his ds. Last summer I asked my therapist his opinion, that if my bf lost and his ds moved away, wouldn't being around my dd make it harder? I thought it definitely would. My therapist thought it might make it easier, and I forget the reason my therapist gave for that. So far it seems to be going well when he comes over and she's there. I think it maybe easy for him to be around her, but when he leaves it probably gets to him more. You know, thinking of all the cute things she says and does, and then not knowing what his ds is doing that he is missing :( My bf hasn't said how it makes him feel, and I usually let him bring the subject of his ds up when he feels like talking. But you are right it is something to be aware of and it could be one of the hurdles to our relationship working.
On the subject of children, both he and I would like more children but also would be okay if it's not meant to be. One of my bf's issues cited in the past was my disease. It will be harder for me to have another child because it is difficult to manage the medication through pregnancy and breastfeeding, and it's possible it could make breastfeeding impossible. We have similar philophies on things like that and he doesn't like the idea I might not be able to do that. He also doesn't want me passing the disease onto a child. And has concerns that I could end up disabled, which is a real concern. I think my odds are good, but still it's a concern. That is another hurdle. We haven't talked about it lately but I do think if it was an impossible hurdle he would have broken up with me by now.
I know he is afraid of having another child taken from him. I am safe for him in this area because I have joint custody of my dd with my ex, for the sole reason that I believe both parents need to be involved in the child's life. He feels the same and his big problem comes from his ex not thinking like that. I feel stronly about never moving my dd away from her father, and that is a huge plus for my bf if he were to stay and we were to have children. If he were to be with someone who did not already have children, he could not know if they would say they believe in joint custody but change their mind later. I've already put my money where my mouth is. Also, I cannot accidentally get pregnant. One of my medications is category X which means no pregnancies until I've been off it 3 months. Going off it is a really big deal and requires careful planning. He has a guarantee I won't just forget to take my pill.
First I congratulate you on thinking of you and your dd first. You just have to. Your bf seems to be in a turmoil and you can't be there all the time holding his hand thru it. Even if you really want to. It's up to him to get his life straight and then and only then can he be the bf you deserve. No sooner.
I agree with your therapist. It is a possibility that once his life is normal, you will have given up and moved on without him. Hopefully, it doesn't come to that, but you can only take so much waiting and then you have to do what you have to do. My best friend told me something once that was very insightful. "If it's worth having, it's worth waiting for." But you have to decide if he's worth it. That's the hard part. Weighing your options, making pro/con lists if you must. Whatever it takes to figure out if he's worth going long periods of time between calls, visits, etc. If he's worth the stress and tears you shed over him. Some guys are, but they have to make up for that stuff too by being there for YOU on occasion. It seems to me like this is all about him. His needs come long before yours. And both of you are feeding that. He uses his custody stress as an excuse. Not to downplay it because I know it's got to be hard on him, but until there is a ruling or bags are packed for them to leave, he just needs to live his life and not dwell on what could be. Easier said than done, yeah, but he must try. You feed this behavior by letting him use his excuses and not saying a word.
I'm glad you finally did tell him how you felt and I hope it sank in for him. I hope he realizes he has a wonderful gf in you and that if he wants to hold onto that, he has to make more of an effort. Lack of communication is a big reason so many couples break up. I know.
I wish you all the luck and let us know how you are doing.
Mel
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I read it all. And I enjoyed every bit of it. It really helps in understanding you a little more.
I personally think you handled the situation VERY well with your b/f. BIG pat on the back to you for managing to tell him how the week long silence made you feel. Would you believe, I was afraid of being honest with my B/F (for the same reason as you) until AFTER we got married? THEN I realized that this was NOT a healthy way to behave in a relationship. And I started forcing myself to be more honest (and it is still a daily learning process)
My DH was thrown for a loop. Completely. Here is the utterly satisfied compliant woman he married suddenly making her own opinions and feelings known??? I don't think he knew what to do with it. He is only NOW (two years in mind you) learning to be ok with hearing how *I* feel about something, w/out turning into a defensive monster.
But, learning to speak up for yourself, while hard to do, is SO liberating. Don't you think?
I am SO SO glad you had a wonderful night with him! So glad. Had been thinking about you yesterday evening and how sad you'd been. And here you were having the time of your life, really. ;) Did he understand your concerns about week and a half long silences? Does he agree that isn't great for your relationship and your emotions and did he agree to work on NOT doing that anymore? I hope so.
One thing I thought of in reading what your therapist had to say. Yes, by the time he's ready, you might not want that committed relationship with him anymore. You say you hope that doesn't happen. But I can't help but think that if you don't want that with him, then you don't. And it isn't going to crush you like it would now. And you'll have grown SO MUCH during your time with him.
But I do hope it all goes well. Sounds like you can be very good for one another.
Hugs.
Oh, and NO apologies were necessary for PMS symptoms. We ALL get them here. We're rolling in estrogen fluctuations on this board. ;)
Thank you. Just to clarify, there was a ruling in the summer and he lost. The bags were packed and shipped months ago. For a long time the custody battle was a reason the relationship did not move forward, and when his ds left, there was a period of time he took to just grieve. Then for the past couple months he seemed to come to terms with it and our relationship did take some strides forward, and now I guess this is a step backward. You are right that a lot of this is about his needs and that should be a hurdle I put up for the relationship to work. I've done a great job of meeting my own needs, which doesn't leave him anything to do, and then he does something like not call which is such an easy thing to do. In his defense, he doesn't ever ask me to hold his hand with the situation with his ds. If he's having trouble dealing or coping, he goes off and handles it himself, and then later will update me on the latest developments. Sometimes he just needs to talk and we do that, but most of the time when we are together he tries to take a break from thinking about the situation and the stress of it all.
I do think I'm a wonderful gf and he needs to do more than realize it, he needs to let me know he realizes it.
the last time you had a talk about your relationship and where you were headed, what did he say? I think you're right to be upset at him for being 'incomunicado' for such a long period of time. Eleven months, right? I would expect to hear from him via phone or email at least once a day. A couple of days without comment, not acceptable. Have you told me how you feel about his periods of silence? What does he say?
>>>Did he understand your concerns about week and a half long silences? Does he agree that isn't great for your relationship and your emotions and did he agree to work on NOT doing that anymore? I hope so.<<<
I'm not the only not communicating enough in this relationship. I suspect he's more the type to hear me and then think about it for a while. I'm not sure because I've only pushed my feelings out there one or two other times. About a month ago I pushed him to tell me if he was serious about moving to where his ds is. It was sooo hard for me to do that, to say the words and ask the question, but I forced myself (one motivating factor was if I didn't say it, I'd have to go to my therapists saying no, that once again I held back out of fear and did not tell my bf my feelings or thoughts). It was a week or more later that he called me saying, well if I am going to move then why would we keep putting energy into this relationship??? That was exactly my point! I was sad to hear he was seriously thinking of moving again, but happy to know my message got through - that we need to be thinking about this because if he moves then the relationship is over, and if he makes a decision about moving he has to let me know that is the case because it has a huge affect on my life too.
If things go back to like they've been the last few months then calling and seeing each other regularly is not going to be an issue. The test will be next time he's sick or depressed, will he let me know? I am sure I will find out sometime.
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