new here...again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
new here...again
6
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 1:39pm
i'm a 30 year single mom to a 5 yr old DS. I've been divorced for over a year, separated for 2. I've been living with a new guy for 1 year but our lease is up this month and i believe he's moving out. He hasn't told me he's leaving but his knic-knacks and pictures have started to disappear and he hasn't paid his half of the rent this month (due the 27th). WE did have a pretty good realtionship until about a month ago. he started asking me not to call him honey, not wanting to kiss me...at first i thought he was joking. Now i'm starting to think he's dodging me and it's getting me more upset everyday. he gettign up supper ealry for work and stays gone till after i go to bed.
i've tried asking him "you know the rent is due again, are you paying your half this month or are you leaving?" he told me we'd talk about it later that he wasn't sure what he was doing.
Being a single mom i have many many other thing I have to worry about. This does not need to be one of them. I'm normally a very non-confrontational person so how do i ask him what the story is with out acting like i want him to leave???
thanks for your input.
sara
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: sara145
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 1:45pm

Do you not want him to leave? He's being pretty obvious that he is going, so I wonder, why would you try to walk on egg shells around him? I think direct is best.


I hate to say this, but he's showing EVERY classic sign that he's seeing someone else, and I think confrontation is very necessary. I am so SO sorry that you're in this position.


Do you have any other means of supporting yourself and your son? Since your lease is up, will you be able to relocate to a smaller/more affordable place so that you can support yourselves and not depend upon anyone.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: sara145
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 2:19pm

I'm really sorry, but I agree with Becky. This does look highly suspicious and you need to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. That way if it happens, you will be as ready as possible, and if it doesn't, you won't need to worry about rent...but you still need some clarification on his intentions for your relationship.

good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: sara145
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 2:24pm

Sara:

Hi and welcome. I have to agree with Becky on this one. Those are classic signs of a new woman. Plus, I can speak from personal experience. My exh did the same things to me when he was cheating on me. I can also say from experience that men would rather throw themself in front of a bus than confront us and tell us the truth (that's also in the book, "He's Just Not That Into You"). You have every right to know what's going on, unfotunately I feel that unless you confront him, you won't ever get an answer from him. He's going to avoid it as long as he can. Men, they can be such chickens. You said: "how do i ask him what the story is with out acting like i want him to leave???" YYou have to ask yourself how do you feel about him right now? Do you really care if he leaves? Personally, I think something is going on and you would be better off without him, but in any event, you do deserve an honest answer. Confrontation or not, you need to ask him what's going on the next time you see him. In the meantime, I would prepare myself for the fact that he probably won't stick around, and try to see what kind of arrangements you can make to take care of you and your son as far as an apartment goes.

Please don't think I am being harsh here, I'm not trying to be. I really understand your situation -- I've been there twice myself; once with my exh and once with an exbf who was cheating on me with my sister. The sooner you know what's going on, the sooner you can put it behind you and start to heal. I saw all the "classic" signs of my exh cheating on me, and I even had people "suggest" it to me, but I never believed them, until I found out for myself. The longer you stay in a denial place, the more you will hurt. Good luck to you and be strong with him. Let us know what happens.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: sara145
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 2:35pm
Sara,
I agree with all of these posts and wish you well. You don't deserve this and Lord knows, as a single mom you sure don't need it.
I urge you to stay here and use us for support. And I hope you can be in a position soon to be financially independent so you don't have to put up with this crap.
HUGS
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: sara145
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 3:04pm
I couldn't agree with you guys more. Emotionally I do wish he would leave but sad to say financially I hope he says, for at least a few more months. I’m completely strapped as far as bills go. In August my son will be starting school and I’ll finally be free of the huge preschool bill. (That sounds like I’m using him doesn't it?) In the mean time my exH is about to go to jail for an unknown amount of time and I’ll not be getting his tiny bit of child support anymore.
The guy I’m living with now has been threatening to move back to NY since it got hot here in July. I really figured he'd be jumping at the chance to move back now that our lease is up. But is he afraid he'll hurt my feelings? Why can't he just tell me?
He hasn't lived in this state long and doesn't know many people so I’m not so sure about the OW idea. Although, Lord knows I’ve been wrong about that before. My X cheated on me and I eventually thru him out.
The problem is every time I go to ask my guy if he's moving out my stomach feels like I’m going to get sick, like the words just can't come out. I'm such a chicken! Yesterday morning was when I asked him about moving & he said we'd talk about it later. Is this later?
This will be my last relationship for awhile. I'm not so sure they are worth all this stress and aggravation. Better to worry about myself and DS. (And that sounds like sour grapes...lol)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: sara145
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 10:36pm

You definetly need to think about yourself and your son. You cannot just allow this man to treat you like dirt because you are financially hard up, find a way to make it work for you. With the lease up, find yourself a smaller place that you can afford on your own, and work up from there. At least you'll be able to stand on your own than be in need of someone else.

Sounds like this guy has been planing on leaving for a while. I suggest you help him pack. I personally wouldn't even ask him his intentions, they seem to be clear that he's not interested in moving with you somewhere new- so take this as the end of your relationship with him. If you just act like it was the "plan" to go your separate ways when the lease ended it may help to ease things for you. Also, it might make him more willing to discuss things with you if he doesn't sense that you're going to become "emotional" about it.

And your thoughts about not dating for a while are probably good ones. Take some time to get your head sorted, heal your heart and spend that energy on your relationship with your son.

I wish you the best.

Alison

Photobucket