wow! lots of posts below, I need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
wow! lots of posts below, I need advice.
13
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 9:16am

I'm so unhappy right now, I spent new years alone, well I did have my kids, that was nice. I'm 33 lonely, seperated for 2yrs. I want to date I posted here before got great advice, I don't care who gives it to me, if you've been their done that then need your input. I'm at the point where I just want sex, safe sex of course, It's been a long time. It's hard for me to qo out and meet someone because I do have my three girls, and when my stbx takes them one nite a week, which is saturday nite's I usually have no one to go out with all my friends have someone and go out, i can go with them but when we go home at the end of the nite they go and we know what their up too, and me I go home alone, lay in my bed and think of what happened in my life, I don't want to go out and just pick anyone up and have "fun", My friend signed me up for online dating, but at the end the wanted money, which I don't have and I don't feel like paying to find someone to date, I'm not ugly not that that matters, I don't know I'm just very very very very frustrated at this point. While I'm home doing my job and loving it, taking care of our girls, and he's out every nite at the bar, relaxing not worring about anything because if he was he would see his girls more and i would have a life. Outside of my girls. Tonight, I'm suppose to go out with a friend and her guy, but I know she'll probably say she's too tired to go anywhere, and me not having a car will spend another nite at home watching nickoleodeon,lol any advice ? I NEED A DATE!!!!!!!!!!SOON!!!!!!!!!!!

LAURA

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 10:54am

If you were just looking for sex, that's easy to find. Married men, young men, and divorced guys would gladly have sex with you. It would be just that though and it's not likely you'd get repeat business with a sex only partner.

Men's emotions are wrapped up in sex too. Believe it or not. Especially, the ones who would agree to a safe sex situation. They might have sex with you, but would tire of that situation and move onto some other woman who had more to offer than just sex.

I suggest you look for a relationship. Online dating has worked for me in the past. If you don't want to use that service, then I suggest you get out of the house and go places where men are....bookstores, hardware stores, coffee shops. Try to stay positive and value yourself. Men are attracted to confident women, not negative and really-just-needing-sex kind of women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 1:02pm

I didn't date when I was separated and I'm wondering why you've been separated for 2 years and aren't divorced?

My personal opinion is that unless you are legally available (divorced) dating isn't a good option. If you do, you would need to be up front with the person, tell them you're not available for anything more than a physical relationship, and then not expect anything more than that.

It sounds like you are still very emotionally distressed about the whole situation and dating isn't really the answer. Finding more friends might be. Are there things you are interested in that would be very inexpensive? A book club? church even?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 1:57pm

I agree with everyone here. I know what you mean about being lonely, especially on Saturday nights without the kids. I think that is the hardest thing for any single mom.

But as fivesense said, sex is not the simple answer. You would become very hurt when the man went off on another adventure and you risk disease on these adventures - you have your kids to think about now.

I think you should spend all of your time on getting divorced and then getting your two feet back on the ground as a single mom. As my counselor said, "welcome to life as a single mom - it is not easy and it is not going to be." He gave me a kick in the pants and it helped me with my expectations.

Time heals all - and it will for you - you will find new friends and hopefully gain a support net of family and friends. You will also learn to view the time with your kids during the week as a privelege instead of seeing it as something you have to do that your ex does not. I think you have a long way to go with regards to your expectations and feelings and getting over the bad hubby/marriage.

At any rate, the purpose for healing yourself and creating a new and wonderful life is so you will set high standards for yourself and the next man that comes along.

If you really want sex, buy BOB - he is a battery operated boyfriend. If you are lonely on a Saturday night, you can go to the bookstore, the food court of the mall or the movies. Get out of the house. Get a grip - sitting home and being miserable for the past is no guarantee that you will make your future better.

You have a clean slate now. And you have the privelege of seeing your kids every day and putting them to bed each night. That is not something your ex has.

I hope I have helped. I know you are in pain and I know your pain. But I also know you can make your life a whole lot better now.

I also hope you will stay on this board and post your stories. We love to hear new stories and learn new things and we welcome you with open arms.

HUGS and Happy New Year!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 2:10pm

Laura,

Here is one other string you should read:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=7705.1&ctx=128

It is just a bit further down in the coffee house.

Cheers!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 5:51pm
Thanks every for all your posts, I know sex isn't the answer, but at the when I wrote the posts I was angry and hurt and I guess desperate for some kind of attention. I think all of you are giving me great advice. My friend wants me to go out tonite since my stbx has the kids. I just feel right now I need to clean my house, get my goals set for me and my girls and then maybe I can go out next week. Someone asked why I haven't got the divorce yet, it's because I did file the papers, but here in MA you have to go to parenting classes and he hasn't done his yet. Why I don't know. In the past year and a half we tried to get back together, but the drugs kept coming back. He spends his time with the girls at his parnets house. Then tonight my oldest daughter totally yelled at me she is 11yrs old, her dad was finally on the phone, the've been trying to reach him all week, so I couldn't find my phone so I used hers to yell at him, and I asked her to leave and she just stood in the door way, I said to him how could you give my cousin money to give to me and not come by the house to see your kids this morning. And not only that you give me $80.00, for the past three weeks that's all I get, he said he only worked 2 day's this week then I went mental, not knowing she was behind be, I said you son of a -----, you worked 2 day's this week you live 2 min's a way and you didn't come and get your kids to spend time with them, they had all week off and they've been trying to get intouch with you and you don't have the desency to call them or stop by, or take them for a day, you are such a scum ---, how dare you do this to them , I listent to them cry for you and say where is my daddy and you don't even care. So then he hung up, then my oldest looked at me and I said, I'm sorry are you mad at me I told you to leave the room , then she lost her mind on me yelling at me, litterally screaming at me, asking why I was mad at her and yelling at her, I said I wasn't mad at her even though I asked you to leave the room for a minute, I just walked out of the room then she called her meme to see when she was picking them up I heard her say everyone is yelling at her and being mean to her, I couldn't beleive it, she is very close with her meme and I don't mind that at all, but she wasn't telling the truth. So I said something to her when she got off the phone and she started screaming at me again about how I was listening to her phone call, and it was none of my business, at 11!!! If I did that I would of been shot to the moon, I told her don't ever speak to me like that again, and don't ever use that tone with me, she went outside to wait for her meme and then as soon as she pulled up she started this crying bit, I was so mad, I sad goodbye to my other two girls couldn't even look at her, then my mother in law was talking to me and I couldn't even speak to her If i did I would of lost it on her about her son and my oldest, Ok I did listen in to the phone call to her meme, I wanted to know what she was going to say to her after that outburst, and when she said to her meme that everyone was being mean and mad at her my mother in law said,"stay away from them, I'll be right their for you, I can't beleive all this". I know I was wrong to listen, but I can only imagine what is being said about me. Anyway's how can I go out and have a good time when my children are a wreck everything is a wreck, I do want someone to comfort me for a change, I do want to cuddle and watch a movie, I miss kissing, but one posts who said i need todeal with other things first is right, I'm sorry if Iwent off the topic, I just needed to vent and everything just came out,--thank you--
laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 6:17pm

I remember feeling that way exactly!

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 6:51pm
Thank you kim, for your post. I'm now washing the kitchen floor and I was happy to get the kids out of my hair for a nite but now I'm feeling lonely, it's really quite and the sad thing now is I'm thinking. What am I thinking about is everything, and anything, I just want to clean and not think but I quess their is no way out of it.
laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 7:24pm

It is good for you to vent.

I remember being very mad at my exh in the beginning because of visitation. He travels so we don't have set times and basically he just takes him when it pleases him and this is NEVER to make anything easy on me.

I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do. I could not understand why he wouldn't come and get his ds right after school when he has a home office - he is always late and there is almost no point because he only has him for and hour and then it is bed time.

But my counselor had yet another piece of good advice. And it wasn't what I wanted to hear but it has helped tremendously.

He will be a father in his own way. And this is not necessarily how I would do it. I cannot impose my parenthood values on him (just as he cannot do the same to me). Further, he said I should do everything in my power to make my exh feel a part of my ds's life and to keep him paying child support and keep things smooth.

I guess he realigned my expectations. So, I go about my whole life as though the exh doesn't exist. I don't ask for help and I don't expect him to do anything. When he wants to see my ds that is great and when he doesn't that is great. Now, after 4 years, he realizes the time with my ds is precious and he pitches in more and the dust has pretty much settled.

I have learned to set boundaries - like he has to give the schedule early so I can plan the week with the babysitters, carpoolers, activities, etc. And he doesn't always get it the way he wants - I have activities and priorities too. But for the most part it goes smooth now - I do try to preserve the father child relationship as much as I can because I see the benefit for ds.

When ds complains that he doesn't get to see his father as much as he wants, I remind him that daddy is working and doing the best that he can. Even a married/good father is going to be late and working hard so I try to think of it that way.

While you may be irritated with meme (your MIL) I think it is good that the kids have a release and comfort person right now. And thank goodness she is willing to help. Don't expect her to be the judge or to take sides. And don't worry about what she thinks. Just focus on her relationship with the kids and show your appreciation for her taking them.

I hope the divorce comes quickly now. It is a shame that you had to deal with such disappointment and drugs. I am sorry. But you sound like a strong women and you must be to have three children. It is good that you vented.

I had to laugh when I saw you write about cleaning the floor - cleaning is great therapy and I resolve to that for sanity, too.

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 7:42pm

Hi Laura
Welcome back to the board!

I am also from MA and I know how long the other person can drag out a divorce. Mine took 3 years. As far as the parenting class, I had to take my ex to court and file a contempt against him to make him take the parenting class. I did this on my own without a lawyer and so can you, it's very simple. They will give him a set amount of time that he has to take the class in and then you can get the divorce moving. Don't let this drag out any longer than it needs to because the stress of having the court stuff is very heavy. Do you have a lawyer?

As far as the feelings of wanting someone around for comfort and sex, God knows I understand. I didn't wait for my divorce to date and I really won't be a hypocrite and tell you you need to. But what I will tell you is to know yourself well enough to know what you want and what you can handle right now. A fling can be a great thing but if you can't emotionally separate sex from love, you won't be able to handle it. And if you are very caught up in angry feelings towards your stbx, you will probably have a hard time moving forward in a real relationship. It can be all consuming at times.

Try as hard as you can to keep your feelings about your stbx away from the kids. He is still their dad and they need to be able to feel safe telling you their feelings, not afraid of what you'll say. I know it's hard with an 11 year old girl. My dd is going to be 11 in 12 days. That's a really tough age for a girl so don't take it hard that she is so upset. She's got hormones a plenty swarming around already and this is a tough time of year for kids when they don't see one parent regularly.

I hope you will come back and visit here often, I think you will find a lot of great advice and help here.
Hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 7:48pm
I feel your pain! It's been over a year and 1/2 since my last date and I don't even want to talk about the last "sex time"! I'm told i'm attractive but still cannot find a date! It's so frustrating. You are definately not alone, there are a lot of us out there. We just have to keep the faith, at least that's what I tell myself. Here's to a new year and hopefully a prosperous one in all areas!!!!!

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