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| Mon, 01-03-2005 - 12:42pm |
Hi all,
I was wondering if anyone had incountered this situation. I'm sure many have. My SO has a 3 1/2 yr old daughter. I have a 10 yr old son. My SO and his ex have been divorced for a year. I have been for 4 1/2 yrs. His daughter throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way. Also she doesn't sleep all night and and isn't fully potty trained. She will be 4 in March. I understand that they have accidents but she's only dry 4 times a month. I think we're going to have to go back to pull ups because she pees the bed and gets in ours. I think up until her dad and I have been together she got what ever she's wanted and very little disciplne. You never know how she's going to act if we go somewhere. Of course she's worse when her dad is present. My son gets frustated because throws a fit to get her way. That's not how he was raised. My SO has asked me for help. I told him I can help but he has to be the one to lay the ground rules. She would just resent me.
If you have any tips or ideas, it would be great.
Thanks!

I know someone who knows someone who's dd wasn't potty trained until age 5. It happens. I am sure there are books out there for tough potty-training cases. But it does sound like more of a discipline problem than anything else. I am always seeing new parenting books in the library. Maybe skim a couple and see if they have some suggestions for a child who's always gotten her way and for a parent that wants to stop it. I think the key is to not cave to her demands and sooner or later she will figure out she can't get away with so much.
How much time is she with you and her dad vs. with her mom? If she's getting her way all the time with her mom then it might be harder to teach her self discipline when she's with you. My dd gets away with more at her dad's than at my house. She's 4 1/2 and is with each of us 1/2 time. He bribes her with cookies to take a bath, she gets to stay up and watch movies until she falls asleep, etc. But she does fine with the rules at my house. Sometimes she is whiney and demanding, but most of the time she is well behaved.
She has already started with "I don't like this I'm going to go live with my dad, I don't like you" stuff. I know sometimes she is sad and sometimes she is angry that we don't all live together. I expect her to act out because of that. When she does I just tell her it's okay I know it isn't always easy, and I remind her she is very lucky to have two parents that love her so much. Last night we were leaving a friend's house and she told me she doesn't like living with me and she is going to move in with her friend because then she'd have a sister. I told her she doesn't have to like living with me, I love her and she's going to live with me no matter what (1/2 the time :)). Maybe some of your SO's dd's problems stem from dealing with mommy and daddy in separate households and adjusting to a step-mother figure and a brother. That is really a lot for some kids to cope with.
I just read a book called "Ex-etiquette" which talked a lot about step-parenting and co-parenting. It said the same thing you did... it's his job to set the rules, the step-parents job to help enforce them. You can only help your SO if he's willing to put his foot down too. There is no easy solution to this problem, but with some time and effort you can probably all find a solution that works. You'll need a lot of patience I am sure :)
I should add I am by no means an expert - I haven't even BTDT!! Take my advice with that in mind :)
Edited 1/3/2005 1:02 pm ET ET by firstamendment
Thanks for the advice. We have her more then half the time most of the time. When her mother and father were together, he was still doing most of the parenting so she's very dependent of him. Some fits that she has she kicks and hits her dad. And she has scratched her own face and spitting. It's very frustrating because I know what I would do but it's his place to do it. I can only make suggestions. She watches a lot of tv too. When were in the truck she is talking about what she can watch when she gets home and has to have control of the tv. A lot of it has to do with discipline or lack of. It is true that rules should be up holded at both parents homes. That makes it difficult too.
Thanks again!
Jenn
Jenn
I would suggest that you read the book "The Out-of-Sync Child". That little girl sounds a lot like my son when he was that age. My son has normal intelligence, but he has a sensory integration disorder. He has to have things a certain way or he freaks out. He's 6 yrs old now and in kindergarten (and much better), but at age 3.5 he was very disruptive.
He would throw fits, hit, kick, scratch himself, and, yes, spit. If someone didn't know him or have a lot of patience, they would automatically assume he was a spoiled kid who always got his way. But, he was really a kid with poor impulse control and under developed social skills. Bed wetting accidents, like you described, happened when he visited his dad.
If you are assuming that she acts this way because she's somehow bad or undisciplined, this will actually make her act worse. She probably knows what is expected of her, but is incapable of complying. My son was removed from regular kindergarten after 6 days. His first teacher said he needed more discipline. However, he was evaluated by the county and diagnosed with a sensory integration disorder. He was placed in the "emotionally disturbed" class and he is thriving. He is no longer the "bad" kid. He's the mose well-behaved child in the new class.
Please read that book and you should have your county special ed department evaluate her for services. Free services are available and it will help her get ready for school.
Great post, Five, and along the same lines of what I was going to say.
A child who self-injures has more than just a discipline problem going on, Sugarbeets. I think there is alot more to this situation than just being a spoiled daddy's girl who always gets her way. Please seek medical help for her. Talk to a doctor about her injuring herself, about her bed wetting, about her constant need to be in control. Please don't wait.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
To help her gain control of herself, she needs CONSISTANCY. Try to sit down with both of her parents without the daughter for an hour and draw up a plan together. She needs to have consistent rewards, rules and expectations. Once you have the plan, discuss it with the daughter. She is old enough to understand the main points of what you are expecting of her. Saying something like, "honey, we all want to be happy and there are going to be some new house rules for everyone to be happy together."
If she misbehaves, she needs to understand exactly what the consequence will be, at both homes. Since it sounds like TV is her main requirement, it's going to get turned off if she can't behave. If she tries to turn it back on, unplug it. If you have to lock the tv in your bedroom, do it. She will understand quickly that you mean busines. I'm sure your son has been given these kind of rules and obeys them well, he knows the consequences if he doesn't behave, right? So he's easier to discipline now, because the threat of losing the things he likes is enough.
Also, remove her from the room is she is lashing out. Should she try to hit and kick her dad, he should calmly put her in her room and close the door, stating that "we do not behave that way in this house".
If you have to take everything but her bed out of her room, do it. She can earn her things back by behaving, not hitting and listening.
Now, about the potty training. That needs consistency too. I found that with my son, if he wanted to watch a tv show, I would simply say, "ok, you go pee and I'll get the tv ready". If he threw a fit, I would reiterate that the tv wasn't going on until he went pee. He has accidents at night and still wears a pullup- I wet the bed myself until I was 10- some kids have smaller bladders and don't get the signal to wake up. Limit what she drinks after dinner, and get her to go pee as part of the bed time routine. Then put her in a pull up, reminding her that they are only for night time. That way you only get an occasional leak. If the coming into your bed is becoming a problem for you, show her how to get a clean blanket and pillow and put them on her floor to sleep.
But do go to the doctor and have her tested to ensure there is nothing medically wrong.
But remember, make up a plan of what you will do in all instances. Back each other up, when one parent is dealing with the behaviour, the other parent is always siding with that parent. NEVER disagree in front of the kids. If you don't like how the other parent handled something, save it for later. If kids smell an ununified front, they will divide it further.
I really wish you the best. My aunt and uncle have the same problems with their now 4 yr old, but they don't follow any advice. My aunt actually cried when my cousin defied her by peeing on the couch. She should've turned off the tv and put her in her room. But they give in to her cause they don't like to hear her fuss.
Anyways, good luck
I agree with this post. Rather than assume she is just a spoiled brat, I think you should delve more and seek family counseling.
Bed wetting is common among older children - I have that problem with my son who is 8. We have a lot of better days now but there are still some wet nights here and there. I manage it so it is easy - we have a vinyl cover on the mattress, and he sleeps with a blanket that is easy to wash (we remove the comforter at night). This is usually more of a medical problem and the child should not be made to feel bad.
Also this little girl is little - and it is probably confusing and scary for her to have you added to the mix. Patience is in order. I saw a lot of good posts from a cl on this ivillage board regarding step families - and she also posted a link to www.bonusfamilies.com (I bookmarked it in case I need it one day.)
Finally, I believe that nothing good ever comes of TV unless you are watching it together as quality family time. The more my son watches TV the more discipline problems we have. This whole week he didn't watch any TV except a football game at night with me and he has been a good child. He has also had adequate attention as well.
I believe a child thrives when he has adequate attention, a consistent schedule and rewards. This amount of attention varies for each child. Some need more than others.
I do believe in setting firm rules and rewarding good behavior. If we are having a bad moment then he needs to take a chill in his room until he calms down and we can discuss.
3.5 years is still a toddler. But her behavior is troublesome and I think you really need family counseling. If you look up bedwetting online you will see it is a medical problem and not a discipline problem. I think the best cure is to eat an early dinner, watch the sodium intake in the diet and wake the child up to go to the bathroom around 11PM.
Good luck. Blended families are a huge challenge but many say worth the patience in the end.
That is a good thing to know - thanks for pointing that out.
It looks like a good book - what did they say about introducing a new romantic interest to your ex?
I just looked it up on amazon.com and that piqued my interest!! I am also going to share that book with a friend who just became a step-parent to 3 small girls (she is 40 and was never married or had children - imagine that one!!).
Edited: WOW - that site has a LOT of good books - I am going to add those to my read list. I see one for older moms, one for step families and what to expect and more.
Edited 1/3/2005 10:25 pm ET ET by west1745
I got it at the library :) I usually go every two weeks and browse the non-fiction section for anything interesting. That is how I came across it.
The interesting thing about the book is that the two women who wrote it are a mom and step-mom who started out in the traditional role of hating each other and over the years grew to respect each other and co-parent together. The mom and dad had joint custody like I have. The step-mom had a daughter that was with her ex EOW.
The main thing they said about introducing a new love to your ex is that when it gets the point you're very serious and getting married, you give your ex a heads up before you tell the kids and then see if you can arrange an introduction when the kids aren't around. That way everyone knows everyone - parents and bonusparents - and then it will be easier for everyone to work as a team. There is a lot more than that in the book about dealing with your ex and dealing with your partner's ex, or your partner dealing with your ex, or your partner dealing with your children's extended family on your ex's side and so on. Basically it gives suggestions on how to get past anger, bitterness or just plain old differences to effectively co-parent your children or your step(bonus) children.
Good luck to your friend, sounds like she has a full plate!
Edited 1/3/2005 11:18 pm ET ET by firstamendment
Thank you for all your posts. We went back to pull ups last night. She ended up peeing it before she got into bed. Which she didn't do when she went without. Also when she throws the fits it's only for her father, when he's present. She listens to me or anyone else when he's not around. I do agree that she needs counseling. When she threw a fit and scratched herself he brought her to her peditrician. They referred him to someone and he didn't follow up with it. She threw a fit last night because she couldn't have something before bed time. She realizes the more she puts up a fuss the more she'll get. Her dad is getting better but just needs to be more consistant. With the pull up on she stayed in her bed all night. Not sure if it was wet or not. She's a very smart little girl. She can be rude sometimes and knows what's right from wrong but has been getting away with it up to this point. It certainly puts pressure on our relationship. I think that's been the only thing we've had discussions over. I believe she does the same for her mother.
Thank you!
Jenn