good guideline for knowing what's what
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| Tue, 01-04-2005 - 5:52pm |
I like this...on the "he's just not that into you" line of thinking...
from this article
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And that's the angle Tuccillo covers — because she recognizes not everything is black and white, and none of us want to dump a great guy unfairly. So her approach is a little less extreme — applying Behrendt's simple philosophy to not-so-simple real-life situations.
"Right now I'm just trying to notice when a guy's behaviour starts making me feel bad about myself — when I start feeling like he's making me suffer," she writes. "A little pang of disappointment because he didn't call when he said he would? Well, that's okay; we'll see how it goes. A constant state of uneasiness because he's completely unreliable? That's bad. Tears? Really bad."
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Really good guide here I think...paying attention to our feelings when we're with someone...feelings don't just come out of the blue.

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I like this article as well, but what do you do when he is soooooooooooooooooo into you. Not like stalker into you, but like kinda weird in a good way into you? I think I might have a future problem with this since I am scared to death to even think about dating. I have been hanging out with my group of friends again, mostly single or divorced & I can not stand how casual they are about everything from sex to dating their friends ex. Where did their morals go in the last 7 years since I was single? Did I act like that then, too? Are women forced to have lower standards now because they WERE married or because they now have children? I can't take the game playing. The last thing I need is another "yo-yo" guy giving me yet another line of crap.
Lets get this discussion on singles?
I liked the article too. I thought this part made alot of sense:
"But although Campbell agrees with Behrendt that dating problems may arise because of the different types of relationships men and women are inherently looking for, he disagrees a few missed phone calls or lack of attention always indicates a disinterested party. Sometimes, Campbell says, guys are actually — gasp! — busy. So instead of focusing on how little you get to see him, he says you should pay attention to his "willingness to sacrifice" — how much of his busy schedule, or rare down time, is sacrificed to spend time with you."
I mean let's face it, no matter how much a guy is into us, he's still got to be able to make responsible decisions. If he's going to blow off something really important to be with you...that could backfire.
Also, when a guy IS that into you, and you're not? Aren't we entering stalker-ville?
My experience has been that guys that are "weird" into you lose interest if you're not "weird into them" as well. If you behave in a normal, getting to know you fashion, guys like this drop off like flies.
One guy with an online personals said things like "I must marry you,you're a genius"...I told him marriage was a FAR way down my agenda, after getting to know someone really well. He didn't message me again.
What do you mean "get this discussion on singles". I'm curious.
I think you have to be well developed as an independent, happy person - that way you are less likely to be gullible for someone or a situation who doesn't make you feel good about yourself.
I also think you have to realize that not every guy wants the same thing you do - many just want a quick cheap sex thrill. The minute they come on too strong sexually, and in an inappropriate manner for how well we know each other, I reject them.
An example of this was with a guy I met on match. He is cute, has a masters degree, is in the computer/tech field and his profile said he is looking for someone fabulous he can spend the rest of his life with. No big red flags in the profile. He emailed me and gave his yahoo IM name so we could chat. So I opened up a chat box to "type" to him. He came on real strong sexually right off the start - and to me this is inappropriate for the first time - getting-to-know-you chat. He kept saying he wanted to come to my house and give a massage. Then he asked me my four strengths and when I asked him the same thing he said his a$$, legs, sensuality and something else. PUKOLA. I did not feel this was appropriate and I did not like the way it made me feel. So I closed the chat box. Done. No more chats with him.
I think that if you keep your wits about you and go slow and use common sense you will do fine. You have to listen to your inner voice and not do something that doesn't make you feel comfortable.
The book described in that article was very enlightening for me. It made a few of my previous relationships make that much more sense.
(edited to add the IM story)
Edited 1/5/2005 3:01 pm ET ET by west1745
I agree with Orange Clouds. I also liked the article, and the part that hit home for me was this "he disagrees a few missed phone calls or lack of attention always indicates a disinterested party. Sometimes, Campbell says, guys are actually — gasp! — busy.
Good example here. Sunday night, Mark called me when I was getting my kids to bed. I told him I'd call him back. I tried later, and his phone was busy, so I went to bed. To make a long story short, I hadn't heard from him since Sunday night, even though I tried to call. He just called me about 1/2 hour ago, to see how I was feeling (I had bronchitis over NYE) and to get back to me. (He NEVER calls me during working hours. Anyway, I never asked him to, but he ran down what his last two days and evenings were like, and, just like the article said, he really was busy. For those of you who know his history, I'd be a big fat liar if the thought of what was going on didn't cross my mind. It did, but I figure it this way, there was nothing I could do before, and there's nothing I can do now. If he wants to talk to me, he'll call me; if he doesn't, he won't. If and when it becomes apparent that "he's not into me", then that's when I have tto make a decision. But until that day comes, I'm not about to make myself nuts about every time he doesn't call exactly when he says he will. (1) that's ridiculous; (2) he has a life and (3) that's no way for me to spend my life. Don't sweat the small stuff. I will say, though, that it was nice to get a call from him out of the blue like that. That's always nice.
Donna
I just ment considering my current situation with my exh, I want as much info as I can get on this subject. I will be getting out there & dating within the year, but everything has changed so much since I was single I need lots of info before I even think about it. I want everyones opinion & I am so glad the subject got brought up. It also helps me keep my mind off the bad things going on right now in my life & helps keep me focused that there is hope.
PS, is anyone out there who is still single & doesn't want a relationship? Why?
Sounds like you're on the right track.
Well, first...once you get the hang of it, SINGLE is GOOD! After being married 19 years it took me awhile to figure out how good being single is. But now...I like it. It would take a VERY special man to beat "no man at all". LOL
I am free to make my own decisions, buy whatever I want to buy with no one saying "are you SURE we need that?" I'm pursuing my own goals and dreams. I'm getting into Graduate School, I do karate, and I'm getting geared up to start teaching english to hispanic laborers next week. I am also into diversity acceptance programs related to our city government and have a Saturday morning gig lined up mid February.
I'm pumped about the things I'm doing.
I had a "relationship" and opted out of it before the holidays. It was long distance and it just wasn't good for me any more.
I'd LOVE to find someone who wanted to be a true partner in life, and who would be happy and supportive for the things I want to do, as I would be for him. But unless I find that, no dice baby.
So, glad you're here. Hope you find YOUR things to be excited about? Have any dreams hanging around that you want to explore?
As I was responding to another discussion here, I have taken on the whole working out thing. I also am starting this new career soon as an insurance agent. Things are starting to be my own again & yes I love being able to do what I want. It feels so great not having to answer to someone else.
I am proud of you for persuing your dreams, especially after becoming single again. I think once we make ourselves feel worthy, then the rest of our life will be too. Since I am just starting out this divorce path, I know I will learn a lot from the women here & their stories. I am so happy to have found this message board & everyone that is on it.
Traci
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