well it's official...he's gone
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well it's official...he's gone
| Thu, 01-06-2005 - 11:22am |
i posted last week asking for advice about my live in boyfriend and my suspesion that he was moving out and ducking the rent. He is moving out tomorrow and going back up north to the snow. He's leaving me without paying the rent for this month and he didn't pay his share last month either because of a problem with his paycheck (whatever). So although i did like him (never in our year living together did i tell him i loved him) i'm not so sorry to see him go. About the only thing i'll miss is having another breathing human in the house. I'm looking forward to giving the house a good cleaning now that he's gone and re-organizing things. I'm looking for any tips to cut costs since i'll be payng all the bills myself now. Cool things to do with my son and stuff to keep me busy at night so i'm not too lonely.
i'm in NO hurry to get back into the dating scene (am i still allow to post here?) after so many losers in a row i'm afraid of what i'll get next.
also anyone have a good work out video they would recommend. i can't afford to go to the gym but want to get in shape for the beach this summer. i really only need toning and to lose about 20 lbs.
thanks for the welsome before.
sara
i'm in NO hurry to get back into the dating scene (am i still allow to post here?) after so many losers in a row i'm afraid of what i'll get next.
also anyone have a good work out video they would recommend. i can't afford to go to the gym but want to get in shape for the beach this summer. i really only need toning and to lose about 20 lbs.
thanks for the welsome before.
sara

Sara,
I really enjoy a workout show that's on PBS...Body Electric. Before finding that show, I tried every workout routine and failed. Also, I lost 25 lbs last year on South Beach Diet. I lost the weight from January to March and it kick started my metabolism. I've easily kept the weight off. Exercise helps.
I'm sorry to hear that, but if he's not going to do his share and you don't love him, then in the long run it's a positive thing that he's leaving. I think cleaning and re-organizing is a good first step. I love being able to have my place just the way I want it. Maybe get some new board games for you and your son to play. And check out the library to get some new books to read in your spare time (free entertainment).
Here is what I've done to cut costs in the last year or so: I canceled all services on my home phone (no voicemail or call waiting and I'd pay per minute if I made outgoing calls) and just use my cell phone, my bill went from over $50 per month to $12 per month (I just have it for emergencies), I cancelled my cable, PBS has some excellent shows and I don't miss it or the $60 per month, I switched from cable modem to DSL and that saved $12 per month, I'm saving $540 per year by switching my car insurance from Geico to AAA, and I cut my grocery bill by $100 per month just by paying attention to what I buy and not throwing everything I want into the cart. That adds up to around $3,000 per year I cut from my spending.
I don't have a workout video recommendation, but I have looked online and found exercises I can do at home, and then I force myself to do them during commercials.
Edited 1/6/2005 11:50 am ET ET by firstamendment
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. It is so good that you have a good outlook about this. If it feels good it probably is! Hugs for being strong, it is hard sometimes.
I have taken on the same route you are going. I started working out over the holidays last year since we had nothing to do & crazy exh. I got on-line & looked up Denise Austin! She has a great web site. I started riding a cardio-bike I bought last summer at a yard sale for, I think, $20.00. I have been riding it almost every day since before Christmas this year & I can ride it now for almost 20 minutes without feeling like I am dying. LOL
Also, She has several great workout videos on her site, but I love her step-aerobics/kickboxing video. I lost 60 pounds last year doing step aerobics & just cutting back a little, but I still have about 50-60 pounds to go. The biggest thing is not lossing the weight, but really toning up. I started with soup cans until I could buy weights & now I use 5 pounds. Same with the leg weights. I used old tube socks from GoodWill and filled them with pinto beans. 5 pounds each. They actually work better than the store bought kind since you can change the weight by adding more beans.
I started the weight lifting after losing the 60 pounds. I haven't been doing much these past few months, but when I was toning, I didn't lose weight, but gained a new butt & some seriously sexy calves. I need more work on my inner thighs, but I carry most of my weight in the tummy. I haven't weighed myself in almost 6 months, but all my jeans and panties are getting to big, so I guess the toning is working.
I have had some struggles though & have quit more than once, the key is just not giving up completely. I work out more now than ever to keep my mind off things & medically it releases chemicals in the body that relieve stress & anxiety. If you can't get motivated to work out every day, recruit your kids if they are old enough. My daughter is 9 & now she works out with me every morning before school when she is home. We just have to get up 40 minutes earlier than we used to, but it is so worth it to me & she thinks she is the greatest daughter in the world working out with me, since weight has always been a major problem for me.
Good luck & stay positive.
welcome back sara...Sure you can post here. Even someone who has had bad dating experience can post here. :) We all have! Most of us keep trying till we get it right. Most of us take LONG breaks at times.
Cleaning does feel good when you're changing your life around. And working out is always good. I'm not much for organized anything (too spontaneous)...but I do karate in a dojo, and I like to just turn some loud latin music on and dance while I do things around the house.
Sounds like a bad situation has moved on and you are ready to turn a fresh page. There's lots of support and friendship here. Glad to have you here.
Hi Sara,
YES - you are so WELCOME to stay here with us until you are ready to date again.
CONGRATS on giving him the boot. I have a lot of ideas for you to save money - especially on food. If you cook yourself you can save a lot - especially if you cook from scratch versus convenience foods.
I like to shop at the Walmart super store versus the regular grocery store - they have prices that are as good if not better than costco on many things.
Here are a few ideas -
- only have basic phone service
- get rid of the newspaper and subscriptions
- go basic on cable
- buy your clothes at walmart or on sale at the end of the season
- make gifts instead of buying them
- cut down on kids birthday parties and extra activities
- watch movies at home or cook at home with your son. My son loves to help me in the kitchen and then put on pjs and watch tv at home. We also like washing the car together - I involve him in chores but make it really fun.
- find a cheaper place for hair - the hair cuttery is good or find someone who cuts hair at their house
- make sure you are not "over insured"
- only dry clothes for 5 minutes and then hang them up - you use a lot less electricity and the clothes look like they are ironed
- cut down on cell phone use
- buy kids clothes and shoes on ebay - and sell them on ebay, too
- wash dishes by hand
- only use ammonia to clean the house - very cheap - you don't need all those cleaners; it is great for toilets, floors, bathroom, kitchen, etc.
- recycle store bags to use as trash bags
- be on the lookout for sales so you buy stuff when it is a good price - not just when you need it
- go to matinee movies instead of regular priced movies
- buy stuff used on ebay - always check ebay before you buy to see if you can get it cheaper
- try to fix something
- buy cheap shampoo and water it down
- renegotiate phone packages every 6 months - the phone companies are always offering specials.
I hope this helps. I have saved so much money after reading a book called The Complete Tightwad Gazette by AMY DACYCZYN. I also read the book called the Millionaire Next Door - it is very enlightening.
I wish you well and all the best.
Sara,
I almost forgot my fun exercise/entertainment tips - many I do with my son.
- ride bikes together - sometimes we ride to the grocery store together and put a few things that we buy into a backpack
- go to park - he plays while you do pull ups on the bars, lunges around the playground, pushups and situps
- you run while he rides the bike
- roller-blade together
- walk together to store
- swim together - I am not sure how old he is - but if he is water safe he can play in your swim lane while he swims
- run a 5k together (or do fitness walk/run)
There are a lot of great exercise videos that are used on amazon.com and ebay. Hope this helps!!
Hi Sara. Big hugs to you. No matter how right it is for a relationship to end, it never EVER feels good. I guess we humans just aren't built for saying "goodbye"
That being said, I am glad you aren't devastated and CAN see that it's a good thing. That was VERY rotten of him to leave you high and dry (did he admit to an affair/girl on the side?) But I hope you can get it all together very soon.
Please stay around. We love having you hear and as you're getting on your feet you'll get a lot of great tips from the wonderful women here!
Early this morning he left with his (our) dog for Montreal. i didn't think i'd be sad he was gone but when i went home for lunch and saw the house so empty i cried. then i kicked myself. then i cried again.
I also found out today that my X (and son's dad) was picked up for a warrant last night and will be in jail for months probably. He never paid regular child support so i won't miss that much but what do i tell my son. He's 5 and will ask to call his dad if not go visit him. i don't want to lie to him but i'd hate to see him cry too. advice please???
I'm sorry to hear about your ex (not sorry for him, sorry for your son). I was probably 8 when my dad went away for a year to a mental institution after a drug induced hallucination in which he thought he had killed me, my sister and my mom (long story but he did confess this to the police). We were not told the truth then. We were told he was sick and could not see us (up to that point we spent 2 months with him every summer, he lived in a different state). My mom has us send him cards and pictures. When we needed to know, when we were older, we were told the truth.
If it were me, I'd talk to your ex and agree on what (how much) to tell your son. What your son needs to know is that his father has not abandoned him, he would see him if he could, and he still loves him (assuming this to be the case). The reason he isn't around for months isn't as important as your son knowing it's not because of him and his father is coming back (assumption here on my part, not sure what the charges are).
Edited to add: I don't necessarily advocate lying to your son, just that maybe you and your ex might want to be more or less vague depending on what you feel your son can handle. My mother didn't really lie to us about my dad, he was really sick and he was in a hospital, but she certaintly did not tell us the whole truth. We would not have been able to process the whole truth.
Edited 1/7/2005 4:59 pm ET ET by firstamendment
You POOR thing - I sympathize with you so much on having so many REALLY upsetting things happen at once. I know you know it is best if your bf left now because he wasn't happy or paying rent - it sounds like you deserve so much better!! BUT like Becky said, it is never easy when the goodbyes have been said and you are left with the empty spaces in time, your place and your heart.
And the thing with your ex is the cherry on the sundae.
I agree with firstamendment that you should try to talk to your ex to figure out what to say to your son. Is this something the ex does on a regular basis and is likely to do in the future?
I think if it was me I would want to tell my son the truth but in a way that he can understand and in a way that is not frigtening or downgrading to his dad. Something like, "daddy made a mistake and is going to fix it now. You won't see him for a while but he loves you very much and will always do the best that he can. I am always here for you and both of us are going to be just fine. You are a good boy and didn't do anything wrong."
Kids are very resilient and they have a sense for what is going on - it seems that if you don't tell the truth then it is much worse later on and he won't trust you or come to you for advice. But only you know what is right for you.
My mom would always lie to us whenever something bad was going on - but not in any sense like this. I remember that a friend had to go in the hospital to have an operation. She explained that the hospital was a place where you went to have your temperature taken. I was very young at that time but I remember not believing her and I never really trusted her or was that close to her because of this.
I have a very close relationship with my son and I have always told him the truth - maybe not to the extent of what is real - but to the best that he can understand. I always try to make him feel secure.
I hope this helps some way. But more important I hope you heal quickly. Your son needs his mom to be okay now. HUGS!!