Shocked and Saddened! What's goin on?

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Shocked and Saddened! What's goin on?
11
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 7:08am

I know I should leave this topic alone, but I can't. I just got back on the internet and I was going to go through all the posts, when I came across one with 57 THREADS versing single mom's and married moms!
To the single mom lurkers, I am going to say something that I hope will make you guys come back on this board, because it's honest and true to the heart.

I have been a single mom twice. The first time it was 3yrs, with one child, then married, then single again with two girls. I came across this board 3yrs ago, when everyone on here was Single. Most all of you Single MOm's have had a long term boyfriend at one point or another. I don't think it makes much of a difference if you have a boyfriend that is commited to you, living with you, engaged to you, or your married. Everyone at some point on this board had a relationship. ME? NO. In 4 yrs of singlehood, I haven't been able to keep a relationship longer than maybe 6wks to 10wks. I am living in a different country, with totally different dating situations. Non-committed men. Tara, Min, Candi, Downbythebay, Kim, Andrea, Becky, and anyone I am forgetting (I apologize), were their from the beginning of my sorrows. They were all single, all struggling. Most of them hadn't had a relationship that was going smooth. We all went through the same struggles. I think Candi and I, from the old crowd, that are still struggling on the singlehood stage. My point is, if anyone should of been jealous, it should of been Candi and myself, that have seen these great women, find their love. What difference does it make if you are still single, but you have a boyfriend that supports you verses a husband? I still think it's the same. Tara lives with her boyfriend? Why is she acceptable, because she is single? If we wanted to start making rules, then why don't we have something like: Single Mom's that never have relationships? That means, we stay single, date, but aren't allowed to have a relationship, because you might be Happy in it. That way, this board will just stay freakin depressing at all times. Candi, Donna and I can just wallow in self-pity for many more years to come, because we aren't in a relationship. Boy o boy, I bet that would just get all the single mothers out their running to this board! NOT!
Marybeth, Donna, Candi and all the other single mom's left in my situation, I need you guys here, but I also need Tara, Becky, Mel, Kim, Marion, Min, Downbythebay and all the others that are in a relationship (sorry if I haven't mentioned you all): I need you women as too. I need to know their is hope with all the saddness of being alone.
Ladies, most all of us, have once been married, we have all struggled and have had difficult marriages, or we wouldn't be here now. If you sometimes read these posts, most women are still struggling through new marriages, pregnant or not. It's scary for them and they can still relate to us. They have their own problems, being with an X or an incenstive husband sometimes and they remember what it was like to be single.
Have I sometimes felt jealous? HECK YES, but I have felt jealous with ANYONE in a relationship, single or not. I am sick of being single, I mean really single. No boyfriend, no nothing. When Marybeth was with Jerry, I was jealous, when Candi met a few of her guys I was jealous, when anyone was with anyone that they were Happy with, I was jealous, because I WANT THAT FOR MYSELF!
In the end, we are all the same. We are a family on this board. These women, who have been supporting me for over 3yrs, married now or not, are my family. I love them and I love all the single mom's that are new here. Sure it hurts, but your day will come. My day will come and I hope to goodness that when I finally do find that man that I am crazy about and that truly loves me, we move in together, we get engaged, we get married, that no one says to me: "Hey Catherine, you no longer belong on this board, because we can't relate to you, because you are Happy."
I need you ALL. I need the single mom's and I need those that were. I need to be reminded that life can change and their is hope. I need to be able to bawl, whine, moan, groan and get angry with those women that are single and in my shoes, because they can relate to me. I need those ladies, that are in a relationship (whatever sort it is), to remind me that it can and will get better at some point. Reminding me, that life can get better and that I won't be in this situation for the rest of my life. That shimmer of hope. That rainbow at the other end.
I am saying to all of you, for me and for those women that feel like I do " Don't leave us in the lurch, just because you feel like you can't relate sometimes." Don't leave me alone. I need all of you, because you all give me the feeling that I belong here. If we start having women leave this board, because they don't feel they can relate to the others who are married, or because they are married, then, this board wouldn't exist for long.
I am here for all of you. I was once married. I can relate to the happiness and saddness of marriage. The happiness and saddness of pregnancy. We all went through pregnancy. Otherwise we would not have this board " single mom's with children. "
We should remember and support our pregnant mom's. We should support the mom's that are now in commited relationships, but also struggling and these women, should look back and be able to remember the saddness, heartaches and hardships and relate to us.
We've all been in the same boat. We all need to maybe sit back and remember what it's like for each of us wearing the different shoe. We've all been their at some point. Either Married or Single.
Sometimes, we all forget. We forget what it was like, either to be single, or to be married. That life isn't a bowl of cherries no matter if we think the grass is greener on the other side.
For those of you, who haven't been on the board as long as I have, I can totally understand that you aren't able to understand why we have the ladies on here that are married.
I wish, and maybe someone could find out if we could get this information: I wish, that we could get the threads from 3yrs back out of the archive and that you single mom's can see what these now married women went through. They were just like us. Struggling, heartbroken, doing the dating game, no hope, pain and never seeing the end of it. I have been here so long and seeing how things have changed and happened to them, makes me see things in a different perspective. Same goes for the women now married. Go back to your threads, read, remember and I bet that all of us, would have a flood of emotions going on. Everyone would suddenly understand everyone again. We would all be more sensitive sometimes to the other person; single or married.
I remember. I never will never forget. I still get jealous, but that's because my heart often aches, because I want to find that partner. BUT! when I remember those that are now married, I know, my time will come. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but it'll be here.

I love you all. I hope you all read this and I hope we all take a moment to reflect on what it once was like to be single or married and remember, it was never a bowl of cherries for anyone.

- Catherine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 8:39am

Happy New Year Catherine,

Your letter is very sweet. It is good to see you back - I think there was a post somewhere wondering where you were and I was doing the same.

Don't despair!! I haven't had a date in 2 years. But it was really time for me to chill so I am okay - although I do have sad moments, too. And my eyes are open now!!

When are you moving to Texas? I think good things will come to you. Just be patient. There are so many single women in our position - all ages - with or without kids. I think you have to set your goals high and stick to them and not be a booty call girl. There are plenty of reasons for a man to love you and treat you well besides for sex. You just have to distinguish between them. (Sorry if that sounds like a lecture, but I think you have a lot to offer and you need a compliment for that right now. Don't ever stop believing in yourself!!)

Hugs!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 8:40am
I think the board has recovered fully from that thread. I don't believe anyone actually left (anyone who thought of leaving was asked to please stay). The changes in the board to move the off-topic folder to the second spot are so that announcements and posts related to marriage, dealing with parents and car buying have a place. The the coffeehouse can be 'on topic' and related *mostly* to being a single mom and dating (or not dating). Of course, it isn't going to be so strict that posts about dating *have* to be up top and posts not about dating *must* to be in the off-topic section, just think of it as a general guideline that we will all attempt to follow. If you'll notice in that other thread, we had at least one married mom who admitted to not posting good news or marriage related news here. Now she can feel welcome to post *more* often about what is going on in her life in the off-topic folder. Those type of posts *are* welcome here.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 9:50am
But I don't think it should have it's own folder and I totally disagree to this. What goes on in my friends marriage, either happy or sad, should not be an OFF TOPIC; neither should pregnancy. That's ridiculous! It doesn't go into the category of buying a car or house. It goes in the catergory of their life and I don't want to skip around in the OFF TOPIC to find out how my married friends are doing. If this is really the case, that they have been put into the Off Topic category, then I am appalled and wish for them to get back into the coffee house. Their are NO RULES to this board. We never had rules and I don't think it's very cool to start setting Rules. It makes a split on the board if you see it as one or not. Candi? Tara? What is your thought on this?
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 9:59am

Hi darlin,
Dating doesn't mean sex. LOL
Yes, I date alot, yes, I've had my partners, but I don't have sex with everyone I date. I'd be pretty damn promiscious if that was the case. As for being the booty call girl, I don't see myself as that. I see myself as having the booty man. No strings attached and enjoying it. He is still around, but I have met someone months back and therefore, booty man isn't being used that often anymore. Just in the most frustrating moments of my life, when "BOB" no longer does the trick. LOL. Sorry so blunt, but it's the honest truth.
ANYWAY!
Ladies, 17 more months to go before I will be back in Texas and I will update you on my life in another thread. Including, get this: Another man, who currently lives in Texas! LOL

- Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 10:34am

I am not sure if you followed everything that was done. Hold yo hosses, cowgirl ;-) Let me explain the benefits because I think it is good.

- One of the single moms thought that her posts were overshadowed by all of the chatter by the older members of the board on off-topics and felt left out. She has a right to speak her mind.

- The others spoke up and said that the married and attached but former single moms have a lot to offer. I was one of these as you are.

- So, I had suggested that we reorganize the folders - put the coffeeshop at the top for urgent matters and then put the off topic folder right below for wonderful announcements, fun games, discussions. Get rid of the fun and games folder because no one really uses it. (Becky even had a vote on that one.) Keep the photos at the bottom.

So, hopefully we are "better organized" now - urgent matters can be at the top and discussions just below where they will be easily seen. There are no police or rules for this. Post as you feel.

It is all a work in progress and hopefully we make it better each day. I think that you just came in and were shocked because you didn't follow the week long heated discussions.

We have had a lot of new posters and both the top and middle folder are being put to good use in my opinion.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 10:43am

WHEW! Thanks for clearing that up! I'm gone a few weeks, and what happens? GEEZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Anyway! Nobody should be so sensitive about not getting a reply all the time. I've often got replies, or not replies, or replies I had wished I hadn't gotten. LOL! Sometimes you have luck and sometimes you don't. I think we have always done the best to support each other and just because one gets none or less than the others, it doesn't mean we love her the less. Sometimes, I am just so depressed or out of advice, or someone else gave great advice, that I don't think about having to post. Nevertheless, I don't care any less. I now have a computer at home, so I will do my best to keep more on the ball here. Until then, no responses to any of the posts. I am going to ask everyone to give me a small update on who is new, what's new and etc. Otherwise, I'll be here a weeks reading and trying to catch up.
Thanks a lot west!

Your cowgirl! LOL
- Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 11:18am

>>>Nobody should be so sensitive about not getting a reply all the time.<<<

That was me and there was more too it than just thinking my post was lost in all the other posts. Did you read that whole thread or not? I have explained I was PMSing and in a very fragile emotional state because of what was happening with my relationship bf, crying all day at work, etc. There is NO NEED to discount my feelings by saying I can't be 'so sensitive.' It's that kind of attitude that was making me feel unwelcome in the first place. I was trying to say I was really hurting and in need of support, and everyone was just saying back that well sometimes posts get missed or ignored. What I really wanted to hear was 'it will be okay' and 'we've all been there' and I think once I got across what I was trying to say then everyone was supportive, which is why I chose to stay.

And for what it's worth, my recommendation was to have another folder NOT called 'off-topic.' I forget what I initially suggested, but it was early in that thread. I don't think 'off-topic' properly describes that folder, but that is what the community moderated suggested be used for pregnancy/married support posts. There are rules here, ivillage rules, and there is a good reason for folders. Lots of boards have multiple active folders for various related topics. I think if you don't like the format, you'll have to take it up with the CM and both CLs. Everyone else seems to be happy with the way it was all resolved.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 1:12pm

I obviously have come at the wrong time to bring this up again, and you are obviously misunderstanding what I am saying about SENSITIVE. The thread was 57 messages long, I can't possibly remember everyone's thread word by word. Honey, if you were PMS'ing then you were SENSITIVE. PERIOD. You explained it, you don't need to reexplain it, because that wasn't my intention to bring up past posts and ill feelings. I was just concerned with the number of threads that I had seen posted. As for the RULES. I have been on this board for 3yrs and we never had Rules. I don't care why we have to have a folder or no folder. I don't see it as a huge problem. 3 yrs ago we didn't have folders, it's a pretty new thing and I don't agree that everything has to be changed, because some people don't like what topic is being posted on the coffeehouse. And, BTW, it's happened that mine has been ignored or over seen in the past. It happened. What happened more, is that if it got posted in another folder, then it was totally overseen. Some things are just best left alone. I still agree to something someone posted. "If you don't like the post, skip over it." You don't have to reply.
I'm not starting an obvious heated conversation again. My first and original post today, about my concerns regarding the feelings on this board, is all I want to get out to everyone. That EVERYONE should reflect a little, but your starting to take one sentence I wrote way out of context again. No matter what anyone's opinion is. New or old to this board, this board has been my life saver more than once and I think things were good the way they were. I knew this topic would come up sooner or later, because it seems that it's been in the air for MONTHS. Like i said, I am not going to start again, so if you cleared it, you cleared it. I wasn't here, I was on vacation and I wanted clarification, because I feel that the women that were being discussed married/single are a huge part of my life and my family. I protect what I love. And NO, I still don't agree to how this is being set up. But that's my opinion. I don't care if this has been voted on or not. I wasn't around, that is no one's fault, but I do have the right to my opinion in the after math. But thanks for the info and maybe next time I'll be quicker on the ball.

- Catherine

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 6:30pm

Hey girl
I am glad to see you alive and well! I worry about you when you're gone for a few days! :)

Thanks for your kind words. I don't really know what the initial post said that started all that long thread because it had been edited by the poster before I had a chance to see it but apparently my name was mentioned. I am glad you and I would hope the majority here feel we are an inclusive group and want to be open to all who need help or who have help to offer. Hell, we have had many a dad who have come and offered either support or asked for support. And we welcome them.

Personally, I think the whole thing got a little blown out of proportion. Part of the problem of this kind of communication vs. real time conversation. You can't always correctly read the intent or emotion behind a post and sometimes things get misconstrued. But I do think for the most part, we survived the storm and I do hope we didn't lose any of our great family here because I know I personally would be very sad to see anyone go. Whether or not a particular subject is "on" or "off" topic, I guess is subjective and I hope we never get to the point where we start calling the Ivillage police every time we think a post is in the wrong folder. I don't think that is what anyone intends here.

I'm not around as much and I stepped down from being a cl because I dont have the time to devote to this board that I feel it deserves. But I'm still here for you sweets and I hope you are just as here for me. ;)

hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 9:48am
I can't believe Catherine was ever jealous of ME! What a concept!

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