Too much

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Too much
6
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 11:43am
Hello: this is my story: For 4 years I was in a relationship full of love, plans and commitment. We even lived toghether during the last year, and we were very happy. But suddenly, because of money issues, I had to move back to my parent's place, in another city. Then our relationship began to loose strenght: I was used to seeing him every day, so now that I couldn't, I'd spend the whole week missing him, until weekends came, when he'd come to visit. But these visits leaved me evenly unsatisfied because he wouldn't pay attention to me. He stopped being as loving and caring as he once was. So we started to fight a lot about it. I guess he was tired of me being so dependant on his visits, and at the same time, I was frustrated because he wasn't paying the attention I wanted. All this cooled up things between us both. So I decided I didn't need that in my life. But when I asked him to break up, he didn't fight back, he just accepted it. At that moment, I was really turned off by him and his attitude, so I didn't really care about him not fighting back for our relationship, I just moved on with my life like nothing had happened.
Only a week after, I met this other guy. Someone totally different from my ex. We connected inmediatelly. He was so kind and caring. He had everything I needed in a partner. We fell for each other in a matter of weeks, and we started a relationship.
Meanwhile, since I had remained friends with my ex, we kept talking from time to time to keep track of our lives. I even told him I was seeing someone else, and he took it with absolute coolness.
But suddenly, he changed. One month after I started my new relationship, my ex began to call more often, and began to visit. In one of these visits he told me he was missing me really badly and wanted to give it another try to our relationship.
Coincidentially, I had began to dislike my new boyfriend: all the first days romance was disappearing and my enthusiasm had fell down.
So one day, I cheated on my new boyfriend with my ex.
It was really wonderfull, I realised I missed my ex too, but at the same time, I felt very guilty because I had cheated on this new guy that I knew loved me and trusted me very much.
So I decided to break up with him. I didn't tell him what I had done, I just said I was getting confused and needed time for myself.
But I didn't get right back toghether with my ex. I wanted to make sure we weren't going to make the same mistakes we made before, so I decided to take things slowly with him and wait a bit.
Since then, everything seemed perfect. My ex was showing himself really changed, being loving and caring again and doing everything he could to get us back toghether, meanwhile, I was comfortably taking my time to think about it. I had everything under control.
Until I found out I was pregnant. A happy event you'd say. Well, here's the ugly aspect: I didn't know who the father was.
My ex heard it first because he was with me when I took the test. He was really in love with me, so he kindly offer all the support I needed even in the case he wasn't the father of the child.
I could have kept my mouth shut, but I thought the right thing to do was to tell all this to the other possible father aswell. So I did. Both news at the time: my pregnancy and my infidelity to him.
After an explotion of anger, he focused on the baby and also offered total support, since he thought he had a bigger chance to be the father because we had been togheter in more oportunities. He proposed to tell people the child was he's.
After thinking about it, among with imagining the embarasment of me telling people I didn't know who the father of my child was, I agreed to his proposal.
When I told this desition to my ex, he felt left appart by me, as if I had chosen who I wanted to be the father of my child.
He remained very upset for a long time, but still wanted to get back with me.
We stayed just as friends for a few more months, until I started to feel more secure about him, since his improved attitude towards me and he's supporting presence all along these difficult times where I was supposedly specting someone else's child.
So one day, I told him I was ready to get back toghether. But, surprisingly, he said no! He said he had became unsure about my feelings towards him, that didn't know what I felt for that other guy, that now he needed some time to think things through.
It's been six months ever since. I'm 8 months pregnant now.
My last boyfriend and I maintain a healthy relation, but hardly ever talk or see each other. Meanwhile, my ex and I had become better friends than ever, talking every day and visiting each other whenever we can.
But here's the main problem: I'm still in love with him. I don't want to tell him because I'm afraid we might loose our friendship and my dignity (he already rejected my getting back toghether proposal). Besides I think if he wanted me back, he would ask me to, as he once did. But he hadn't pronounce a word regarding anything near romance.
I keep telling myself to move on with my life, to focus on this baby that's about to come. But I can't let him go. I miss him so much. I miss our plans, I miss our life toghether. And I can't help myself from imagining he will come to his senses one day and tell me how much he loves me too and wants to get back with me.
This has become really painfull. Everything reminds me of him. Every call and visit he makes brights up my life increadably.
I know he's not seeing anyone at all, wich comforts me a lot, specially since I don't have the possibility of doing so (pregnant woman dating? yeah right)
I'm really desperate. I feel this grief could remain forever.
Should I take the risk and tell him what I feel? Should I wait until my child is born? How can I tell how he feels about me? Why does he keep calling and visiting me?
Please I really need some answers.
Thanks a lot!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: danitabh
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 12:04pm

Hi and welcome to our board,

You sound like a sweet person. I am sorry for you that you have had such troubles.

I think it is encouraging that the guy you love is still calling and checking on you. I think you should just try to be in limbo with him for now and concentrate on getting through the childbirth - I am betting he will be supportive of that and you will need that.

Give him a chance and see if he comes around after the baby is born. If he does, that is great and if he doesn't then you have to be true to yourself and get over him.

My hunch says he cares - but he is too overwhelmed emotionally right now to deal with the TRIPLE whammy of the unexpected pregnancy, the question of who the father is and the actual idea of being a father. He just needs time. And you both really need to take the time to get through this and sort out your feelings before you start talking about the future.

OF UTMOST importance is that you take good care of yourself and your baby. Do you have good support through your parents? Are you okay?

(I would suggest consulting with an attorney to find out what you should do about stating the father on the birth certificate and obtaining child support - you are going to need that and want to be armed with the information you need to make good decisions for the future. If this guy bails then you will probably have to ask both of them for a DNA test and then get child support from the real father.)

Stay here!! We will care and listen!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
In reply to: danitabh
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 7:40pm

First of all, thanks for your answer.

I am absolutelly taking the paternity test. We (me and each guy separately) already talked about it since the beginning.

No matter who my child's father is, I'm willing to let them have a healthy and loving relationship, appart from my own relationship with that person, because, of course, my son deserves and needs it. And, whoever the father is, I know he'll take full responsability once the paternity is knowned. They're both good men.

So, to me, there are two separate issues here: the paternity issue, and on the other hand, the relationship between my ex and I, with whom I still want to get back together.
I wonder if things between him and I will be any different from now when the real paternity comes to light.

About my child, I count with 100% support from my parent's financially and emotionally, so there's nothing to worry about in those terms. He will have everything he needs and will be a very loved child.

Again, thanks a lot for answering before. It was really helpfull.
I'll be expecting your reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: danitabh
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 8:23pm

Hi,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: danitabh
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 10:31am

You're very lucky to have your parents to support you 100%. If I were you, I'd try to enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy and not stress out about the men. After your baby arrives, you will feel differently about everything. The two men are bound to feel differently when the paternity tests reveals who is the father.....but, more importantly, you are going to feel differently when you have your child. You really won't know how you will feel until after you have your baby.

Post updates when you can. I hope you have a healthy baby and I wish your little baby all the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: danitabh
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 3:28pm

You have some good answers here, especially from maggie and fivesense. Focus on yourself and the baby and the rest will fall into place. You are so blessed to have your parent's support. I wish you a safe and speedy delivery and many happy days with your warm and precious bundle of joy.

Are you going to find out if it is a boy or girl? Do you have names picked out yet?

Keep us posted. Babies are such a wonderful gift and you will love yours more than life. You have a lot of time - don't be in a rush.

Marriage to the wrong guy will not "fix" anything. And you will be fine as a single mom, especially if you have the support of your family.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: danitabh
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:30am

Danita -


I think I have to agree with your own self talk that you should just move on with my life, to focus on this baby that's about to come.


You sound terribly confused and you've confused these men. Having a healthy relationship with either of them at this point would be a long shot. I think you're a little mixed up on the idea of what a love relationship should be.


When the first dating relationship broke down to the point that he didn't care if you broke up with him and you didn't care either, it should have been done. You were both finished with one another.


Jumping into the next one and running with the "new relationship emotions" (which more often than not have very LITTLE to do with real love and everything to do with lust, which is nothing to build on) was also not a great decision. A rebound relationship will rarely go anywhere. I think you learned that.


So, CONGRATULATIONS on the new little life you're growing. I am glad to hear that so far the pregnancy is going well and you're going to be bringing home a sweet baby soon. I think that's where your head and heart needs to be.


As far as these two men in your life, the best thing for you to do is request DNA testing once the baby is born, establish paternity and then have the REAL father of your child responsible for supporting it. No more playing games and appointing whomever is being "nicest" to you as the father.


Your questions:


Should I take the risk and tell him what I feel? --

Becky