Feeling REALLY unhappy right now......

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Feeling REALLY unhappy right now......
11
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 4:46am

Do I feel bummed out! This weekend put me back into a low...
First of all, I am starting to get the feeling, that I am not going to have ANY support with this move to the States.
My family and semi-family, seem to be backing out with all the Big Promises they made about me coming over.
My sister who lives in San Antonio, basically told me she has NO time for me when I come to visit in April/May. Not even on the wkends because her boys have baseball games and she isn't going to miss even one. I haven't seen her in 4yrs! This happened the last time I didn't see her for 4yrs and now I feel like when I get over their, she won't help me one bit like she said she would. I was supposed to stay with her for 3-4 wks next year when I move over and I think that she has changed her mind about this. She made a few comments and absolutely didn't say anything about being WELCOME or she can't wait, or she's so happy, NADA. It's making me feel as if I am going to be standing at the airport with Nina and no place to go.

Alex's grandmother, who is going through a rough patch after her husband of 34yrs left her, is now considering moving away to Ohio. I can understand she is going through a rough time, but her considering on moving after Alex and I are coming, makes me feel, like Alex is suddenly unimportant to her. For years she has asked me to come over and now since her husband left, she says she has nothing left to keep her in San Antonio. I told her that we are definitly coming and I even set the date, but their is no enthusiasm and she told me that she thinks she might not even be their when we get their. If she is in Texas still. I was going to stay with her, when we arrived next year, but she has 3 dogs and they aren't the nicest. I am worried that they might bite Nina, because Nina might try to pet them. That is just to much of a high risk, that's why I wanted to stay with my sister.

My best friend Debbie, that has been telling me I can stay with her, is suddenly getting married this summer. ARGH!

It's not like I invited myself ever. They invited me the whole time. I am suddenly ( and please NO ONE get this wrong), but I am starting to feel the American Flakiness, "Like what we say, we don't really mean. We didn't expect you to take us seriously." Kind of like the "Come over anytime", "I'll call you for lunch.", "Your welcome in our home at anytime". Stuff like that, when in reality, they don't mean it. Everytime I visit the States, it seems to be the same sort of thing. My parents invite their German friends to visit and as soon as they arrive, they bitch that these people are staying in their house. That they literally didn't mean it. I am soooo not used to that anymore. I really somehow did count on my family and friends. This is a serious and very hard move for me and it seems they are putting me in the lurch. I feel like really laying the cards on the table and getting a little pissed off at them. I just don't know how to put it, because I want them to GET what I am saying and not twist it around and feel attacked and then really mess things up. I just want to tell them I feel disappointed and hurt. Which I do.

I called Ian last night to talk to him. I asked him if he had time for me to call him and he said yes. He was out on the field all week and last week, but was home both times for the weekend. I called him last weekend and we got into a bit of a arguement, because their was so much silent on his end of the phone. I asked him why he's so quiet and he says: " I don't know what to talk about!" Great, then why ask me to call? We squared it away later online and he wrote me this really sweet letter, saying he's getting impatient to see me and cares about me. I responded to the letter, just as nice, but I did tell him that I felt hurt that he acted so distant on the phone and made that comment. Things seemed ok after that. We chatted a few more times online briefly this weekend (saturday) and he said he had time to talk to me last night. So I called him. I call him because it's much cheaper for me to do so. From the states to europe is outrageous, but vice versa it only costs me a couple of bucks. I can talk on the phone long distant to the states and one hour costs me $2 dollars, compared to almost 80dollars for 20 minutes. It makes sense I call him. ANYWAY, same thing happened again. Dead silence until I kept having to initiate the conversation. I felt like I was entertaining myself. He had me on speaker phone and was messing around with other stuff the whole time. His attention wasn't on me, I was just the side thing. During the call, he made one comment and it stuck on me, He said "what ticks me off ( a pet peeve) is when I tell someone, that something annoys me and she keeps doing it, as if she is doing it intentionally to tick me off." That is how I felt. I told him that it annoys me that when I call him that he gets dead silent. I told him it makes me feel I am wasting my time and that he isn't really interested in me. Totally different then online. I told him that last wkend on the phone, and in my email letter to him last week and then he did it again this wkend. I ended the call without trying to get emotionally upset, which I really was. BUT! I then got on the computer and wrote him a nasty note. Telling him how I felt. No answer back, but that's ok, I told him to think about it and get back to me. I have blocked him on my chat system, so I don't have to deal with him online at the moment. He should realize that I'm angry and he does need to think about how important our friendship is or isn't. Or if he really wants to make the next steps or not towards something that possibly, could be. I'm not going to repeat myself anymore. 3 strikes and your out. That is how I feel about it. This was his 3rd strike, so if it happens again, I am going to walk away. I also told him, that I am not calling him anymore, if he's interested in me, then he'll have to call me and make the initiative. I know the costs of the call doesn't cost much, but it's the principle that I feel unimportant or as a side dish.

Sooooooooo, I am feeling REALLY blue right now. I'm totally stressing, totally scared and I feel like I am getting absolutely no support. Another 3 S's, but negative one's.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:01am

I understand how you feel.

CL-Entrepreneurial Women

Business Impressions, LLC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:19am

You have every reason to be upset. First, the friends and relatives are backing down on your staying with them until you get into your home and your own sister is telling you she has no time. Like she can't invite you to a game for her kids and talk to you during that. I used to go to my nephew's games and my XSIL and I would chat throughout it. We still watched the game, but managed to visit too. Not hard to do. Is she THAT obsessed with the games that she can't speak during them?

And then Alex's grandmother is thinking of moving now. I understand how it must be hard to take a husband leaving you but sometimes you have to just suck it up and stick by your family who love you and need you to be there. The only reason I left town when my XH and I split is because I moved back home to Texas where there were people I loved and that loved me. I lived in a town where we had to live due to XH's work. No one was there for me. SO it made sense to move. But I would have stayed put had we been home.

Ian is being a jerk. I hope he gets it through his head that he needs to chill out some and be more open on the phone. I hate it when I call LD and get silence on the other end. My father does that crap to me. I call for my mother yet he answers and just sits on the phone watching TV and not just handing the phone over to my mom. He wants to know what I wanted and then thinks he has to answer my question and never knows the answer. Nosey is all he is.

Just breathe, Catherine. It will all work out.

Mel

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:30am

You certainly have plenty of reasons to be upset with your family and friends, they are letting you down. Keep reminding yourself that you can't control what they do, only your reaction to it. So let yourself be sad for a while that they aren't there for you, and then when you are ready make some different plans for your trip that don't require you to depend on them to be there. Yes, they should be there but if they aren't going to then you have to take care of yourself.

I wonder if you aren't feeling a little more needy towards Ian because of what you are feeling from you family and friends. It's normal for there to be an ebb and flow in a relationship, and sometimes there just isn't anything to talk about on the phone. I doubt he's intentionally trying to let you down too. You've told him how you feel and that's good, and you're letting him come to you, that's good too. But it might not be just about him.

There probably isn't a solution to your loved one's backing out on you. And there isn't much to do about Ian except let him miss you and call you when he's ready. But it's perfectly acceptable to feel sad about nobody else being there for you right now when you need it (except for us). Just let yourself be sad or angry and know that in some way things will turn around for the better.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 12:06pm

Hi Catherine. Sorry you're having a hard time.


It is true what Marilyn said, the only person you ever REALLY have to depend on is yourself. Especially when you're an independent sort, which I know you are. It's the flip side of that coin.


On Ian, no one can know...and since you haven't met you can't know what's going on in his life right now. Some guys fall back when things get too close. Or, some men can't handle it when

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 1:09pm
The POINT is: I have always been independent. I moved all over the States on my own, moved to Europe, did EVERYTHING on my own. That isn't the point. The point IS, they have been hounding me for YEARS to come back. Telling me that it's better, that they are their for me, they can help me get STARTED. Come on Ladies, this isn't a move from one city to the next. This is me moving over from half way across the world. They offered, they begged, promised and now I am doing it and they are leaving me in the lurch. I'm not asking for 2-3-6months, I am asking for a couple of weeks to help me get started. I won't have a car, I won't have a house, I won't have a job. Those are all things I can't do with two kids in tow. You should be able to depend on your family. Period. They are the one's that got me this far, so they should stick to their guns. Period. I am working my A** on getting information on housing, cars, daycare, jobs, schooling. Everyone one of these companies or references is telling me I am starting to early. That I need to do it shortly 3 months earliest before I come over. That is ridiculous. So how am I supposed to do that on short notice and have everything totally organized by the time I move in. I have been overseas for 10 years. Again, this isn't some move from State to State or from city to city, this is a serious move. I have to pack everything, have it shipped over in advance and have it sent somewhere. I can't do this all in the last minute. That's CRAZY and not doeable.
As for Ian, yeah, he knows I am totally stressed and we've been friends for so long, that I guess I just wanted him to say "catherine, breath, it'll work out. your doing fine, I am here as much as I can for you. lets see what happens in April, we'll go through everything you have to do." He did say he would do what he could when I moved over, but we both know, that with him being deployed next Spring, he propably won't be able to help. He'll be on loads of trainings and maneuvers. Not to mention, maybe we can't stand each other in April. It basically comes down, that I wanted an ear and he was doing a thousand different things and putting me on speaker phone. I ASKED HIM ONLINE, do you have time to talk, because I have loads of things on my mind and need to talk. He said, "YES". I have no plans and going to be home all day." Last weekend, I didn't have loads on my mind and wanted to just catch up. So, basically, on both counts, I felt like I was intruding on his time. I know I probably would of cried if I had told him on the phone that I was upset with him, so I just told him in an email. No, he hasn't responded, but like one of you said, he knows where I'm at and if he wants to take that step toward me, then he's going to have to be the one to do it. I am done. I know that seems possibly harsh, but either we are slowly moving forward, or we aren't. If he feels caged in, then fine. I'm not making another move. I told him my hands are out their to take his, but I am not going to come to him anymore, he's going to have to step toward me, if he wants it. ARGH!
I know I am on an emotional trigger again. My period is due next week, BUT, I have been feeling so upset and frustrated the last 2 weeks with everyone, that I am slowly losing my cool. Scorpion Temper. My girlfriend said, I shouldn't make one comment or anything until I show up in Texas face to face with Alex's Grandmother and my sister and then spill it. I think I should put the cards on the table now. Get it cleared before war war 3 begins. My sisters temper is the worst I've ever seen. I don't know. I understand that every game is important for my sister. But she has a husband, don't you think the kids would understand if she said "Hey, I would like to go with my sister for lunch today, or have some coffee alone and catch up." They are 17,13,8. I would do it for her and no, I don't agree to going to her families games to catch up, because I would like to have a private conversation with her, not just have a chit chat. I told her I would go to one of her games, but I just think it's the principle. Am I wrong for wanting her after 4yrs of not seeing her, to sit out ONE game?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 1:25pm
No, you are not wrong to want what you want. Of course your sister should follow through on making time for you, and of course Ian should be more attentive. But if they won't do it for you, you can't make them. Just be straight with your sister. Tell her it's really important to you and if she can't miss one game them you are going to feel left out and alone in all this, and that you really need her help and support to make this move work. Be straight with Ian and tell him you need to hear it will be all okay, you need a virtual shoulder to cry on. Sometimes guys don't know what to say so you just have to tell them what you need (he may not have interpreted 'needing to talk' the same way you ment it, maybe he thought you just needed to vent, when you really needed reassurance). It's also okay to get upset and cry on the phone. Maybe he just wasn't getting it but if you did show some emotion he would come through for you. Throw it all out there to everyone you are depending on and see what happens. The point is if you are clear on what you need and how you feel, and those you love are still not going to be there for you, you are going to have no choice but to figure out how to do this without them. As much as that does suck or may seem impossible, or may actually be impossible. You can't depend on the undependable, whether it's for a shoulder to cry on or for a temporary address.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 2:57pm

I don't think you're at all wrong to want it. I do think if you love someone, and they don't want to do something, you don't give them a ton of grief over it.


I can identify with not wanting to miss games, or other kid activities. They're only little once and they can easily feel neglected. It depends very much on the child. I have 2 who wouldn't care, but I have one who would have been crushed if I had missed one of her soccer games. She needed to know I cared more about that than anything else at the time.


I realize your move is big, I also know you are an exceedingly capable, travelled, smart woman. I was not trying to belittle your move, just to say that I know you can handle it because you're you.


On a lighter note, how long have you and Ian been corresponding?

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 3:47pm

I'm going to be their 3 weeks and she said, she won't take any time during the week off for me, which I totally understand. They don't have much vacation and she should use it for her immediate family. She said we would have alone time and that we would celebrate her birthday as well as mothers day together. Now she backed out of both because she said their was a game. She's done this to my Mom that she didn't see for 8yrs and since then, my mom said, she won't go visit her again. They have basketball, baseball, football, etc. If it was the little one, fine, but these are teenagers now for the most part. Three weeks and not go see one game? She cancelled all our plans, because of a game the next day or on the same day. I just think it's a really B*!"§$ thing to do. When I didn't have the plane ticket, their came all this crap about what WE were going to do, but as soon as I got them, she tells me she's basically not taking a second of her time for me. Family is family, no matter your kids or your siblings and I think their is something a lot deeper running inside of her then the kids. I teach my kids a different method. And I will honestly say, that if one of my daughters left her siblings in the lurch, teaching them that family is very important and they are to be their for one another always, if one, hurt the other or left them lying in a mess, without a good enough reason to help them(Donna, your excused, you had reason enough.), then I have no respect for them. Candi, would you honestly understand if one of your kids wasn't their for their sister or brother? I think that would hurt you, that you thought you taught your children different. It's selfish and nothing more. I am not so wound up about the whole visiting thing, as I am about the moving thing. I can care less about the visit, because I don't need her then, it would of just of been a nice to have. Why should I see a baseball game to accomodate her, if she can't be their for me? She hasn't even helped me on my CV as she's been promising over and over for the last 4 months. Christmas is over, so, no excuse. I sent it to her twice and she never responded. I'm just ticked and when I DO get to the States permeanetly, which I will. She can kiss my tush before I move ONE finger to do her ANY favor.

Ian and I have been corresponding over a year, during his deployment in Iraq.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 7:39pm

Oh my Catherine,

I am sorry for your pain. I have glanced over the posts and see you have gotten some good advice and support.

All I can really offer is to say you are on your own, kiddo. I don't think you can expect your family to really understand your pain or predicament as a single mom. Mine totally doesn't.

One suggestion I thought of was that you should not put pressure on yourself for a timeline. How about if your timeline read "I will move when I have the money saved and a job lined up" - this could be sooner or a little later. That way you won't NEED anyone to help and if you do get anything it will be gravy.

My family was so excited to have me move to Florida. But when I got here it was a different story. My sister and my mom have always had a lot of time together and are as thick as thieves so to speak. They make all of their plans without me and without any consideration that I work and am a single mom. I have had a lot of pain and fights over this.

I have built my own life and am independent. I depend on me. I am the only person who for the most part doesn't disappoint me.

I think you should take heart that you have supported TWO children on your own and lived abroad. I think this has given you more strength than you give yourself credit for.

Don't rush, Catherine. And try not to freak - it will all fall into place when the time is right.

As for Ian, you have been so kind to write to him and you have enjoyed what you have. No one can predict what will happen when you see him in person or what the future brings. These things will test him and show you what he is really all about. The situation is so intriguing and I think you are very very kind to write to the soldiers. I am sure they really appreciate that. I thank you for sharing your story and hope to see something good come out of it. You better keep us posted.

I hope I have helped you in some way.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:28am
Hi Everyone, Thanks all for the posts.
Like I said, I've moved all my life and this is different. It needs a timeline and no one is considering me for a job, without a set timeline. You know a catch 21? I can't just get a job offer and take the job and move within 4 weeks. It's not possible. It's TOTALLY not possible. I thought of another plan, that is WAY more expensive, but it seems, I have no choice. I am going to make this move now and am not backing down from it. I have already mentally left Germany, I just have to physically leave now.

Pages