teens don't want me to date

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
teens don't want me to date
3
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 7:39pm
I need opinions, advice, comments on my problem.
Have 4 kids at home 15,13,11,5 all girls. Been married 16 yrs, separated 2 yrs, divorced 6 months. I've just gotten back into the dating game again, met several nice men thru on line dating service. My 15 yo don't want me to date and can give no reason why not. If there is one she's not telling me. Tried talking to her several times. Now the other 2 are following her lead. They make me feel guilty about going out, they don't want to meet a guy even if we went out several times. Just meet him, say hello that's all I ask.
I try to arrange a babysitter for the lil one so as not to burden the older ones.
I want to take their concerns and feeling into consideration but I also need a life. I'd like to remarry someday. How do i balance the two? They are not close to their father at all for he left them to go live in TX w his GF and baby.Would their bad relationship have something to do w this? The 11 says she really don't mind me dating, it's the 15 y/o that has the problem. So how do I deal w this? Any thing is helpful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 7:50pm

Welcome to our board!

I think you should try to spend some time with her and see if you can get her to voice her concerns.

I also think you should not tell them you are dating - just going out for adult time - and keep your private life private. You should also tell her that she comes first in your life and you are not going to do anything rash or permanent at this time. I know you want to get married, but I also know what the dating world is like and I think it is going to take you time before you meet someone you want to marry.

Do you pretty much have all the dust settled from the divorce?

I think the kids are probably hurt by the actions of their father. Their whole world was rocked and now they are scared. They don't want to lose you and they don't want their lives to change. You have to reassure them you are always going to be there and nothing bad will happen to them.

Good luck - I hope you stay here with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 9:49pm

I agree that you shouldn't tell them you're dating right now, just out with some friends and you'll be back later. Kids sometimes don't know what's wrong to be able to say why they don't like something, they just don't. Could be that your oldest is just used to you being home and just mom. Pushing them to meet your dates is too much, I know you want the guy to meet your girls and for them all to like each other, but it sounds like they're not ready.

You mentioned that you were separated for two years, and only divorced for 6 mos, have you been dating the whole time, or just since the actual divorce?

I think you just need to take it slow, go out on your dates, but just keep it quiet until you've been dating someone for a while and see a little more of a commitment from him. By all means, if you want to invite some friends over, as well as someone you're dating to see how they get along with the kids, do- but say that the date guy is just a friend, and tell him to keep his hands to himself while visiting.

But the biggest thing, I think you should sit down with all the girls and really have a talk with them about things. No, you will NOT stop dating, but you will be more private about it out of respect for them, and at the same time you want their respect not to bawlk about it. Enourage them to talk about it, but at the same time, be the parent. Have them voice any concerns, so that you can address them before they become issues.

good luck!
alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:21pm

I agree with the other replies. Don't give them much information about your adult activities. It's a good idea to validate their feelings, it's okay for them to feel the way they do, it's completely normal and expected. But then let them know that adults need time with other adults and there will be nights you go out. Also, I would not ask them to meet anyone until they are ready, and the relationship is fairly serious.

My parents divorced when I was 3 and my mom dated a little while I was growing up, but I rarely met the men. I only met 2 men and they were both several-year-long relationships, and we still didn't see them often. My dad lived in another state, so we either had babysitters or stayed at our grandparents when my mom went out. We were young just figured she was working when she was not at home. When I was a teen she met my step-dad and started seeing him. He never came to the house to pick her up and although we knew who he was, we didn't spend time with him ourselves until they were very serious and thinking of living together. I was dating my bf a year before he met dd, but she's only 4.

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