Blue Monday

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Blue Monday
5
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 2:00pm

I wish I could take the advice that I gave Catherine about positive self talk and apply it to myself today. I'm in a black depression which started last night, and I can't seem to shake it. When I get like that, I beat myself up terribly, worse than anyone could ever do to me. I have no self-esteem and I don't like myself at all.

For the most part, I had a good weekend, except for last night when I picked the kids up from their dads. It was all downhill from there.

I dropped the kids off at their dads straight from school on Friday night. I didn't check their backpacks because I figured if they had homework, they could do it with him. Mark came over to my house for the weekend, and we had a great time. We went out Friday night. Saturday night we went out for pizza. We both have colds, and we didn't feel like going out, so we rented movies and stayed in. In fact, when we were watching movies, Mark really didn't feel good -- he had chills and aches and he felt warm. So, I gave him a blanket, Tylenol and cold medicine and we went to sleep when the movie was over. Sunday morning, he said he felt better than the night before, but not all the way better. So, we finished watching the movies we rented, he went home and I went to pick the kids up.

When I got to my ex's house, he was getting the kids' stuff ready. I saw an envelope in Katie's folder and I opened it. It was a progress report. I read it, and I got upset. Why? Because like I've posted before, I spend hours every night doing homework with both of my kids every night. And it's extremely frustrating when I feel I'm doing everything I can and it doesn't matter anyway, because she's not getting any better. And to make it worse, my exh starts on me -- blaming me for everything -- like he always does. I let him get to me. I cried all the way home. I just felt like the worst mother in the whole world.

So, I get home and I'm feeling really low, I called Mark for some moral support. Actually, he was pretty supportive. He listened to me. I was really down and he was trying to pick me up. I said I felt like the worst mom in the whole world. He starting telling me that I was a good mom, and a great person, and just running through a list of my good qualities. Then he said I was a nymphomaniac. I said, "well is that good or bad". Then he said, "It's good, but you could take it down a notch". Well, that was the wrong thing to say at the wrong time. In fact, I tried to talk about what he meant, and then I just said, you know, this isn't the time to discuss this. Granted, at this point in time, I'm already an emotional wreck. It just made me more depressed. I know he wasn't feeling like himself this weekend, but Sunday morning he seemed fine. In fact, he initiated sex in the morning. Then we watched movies. Well, I was bored with the movie, I didn't feel like watching it any more, and I was feeling playful. Granted, I've usually don't start things, but I usually never have to. But he didn't stop me or say, I don't feel good lets just watch the movie. But then later he makes the nymphomaniac comment, and I didn't take it well.

Yes, I was probably being overly sensitive because I was already in a bad mood, but I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to think about the comment. The thing is, no matter who you are, a friend, a relative, a lover -- if I care about you, I never want you to think bad about me. I just don't want him to think I'm a slut, because I'm not. I admit, I have an extremely high sex drive, probably higher than most people. But, he does too. It never seemed to be a problem before. In fact, I ALWAYS thought we were on the same page. We talk about everything from kids to sex, and our communication about sex has always been open. I guess I was just surprised because I really thought we were on the same page, and maybe we still are, maybe he just wasn't feeling good. I'm confused and not sure what to think.

I was so down last night that I called my sister to talk to her about it, which I usually don't do, because I don't like discussing my personal life with my family. But she is good at one thing: when I get nuts about something, she'll tell me straight out if I'm over-reacting or not, which is good, because I don't always see it in myself. We talked about my daughter's trouble in school, and she gave me some good suggestions. Then I talked to her about Mark's comment. I actually asked her if she liked sex. She said she did, but she's been married 15 years, and it's lost some of its spark. I told her that I sometimes feel like there's something wrong with me, that I shouldn't like sex as much as I do. She told me that given that our relationship is new, and we don't see each other but every other weekend, its very normal to want to tear each other's clothes off when were together. She really didn't think Mark meant to hurt my feelings, she figured he wasn't feeling good. She told me not to make a big deal about the comment. But if it bothered me, instead of making a big issue out of it, just kind of joke with him about the comment when he's getting romantic next time. I'm just real sensitive about it right now. But on the other hand, I am who I am -- I can't help it. Am I supposed to change who I am because someone doesn't like it? When I was married, my exh didn't like sex much. But I was in love, and I just got used to it. So I basically denied myself for 10 years, and in the end it didn't make a bit of difference because he left me. So I changed, but it didn't stop the inevitable.

I know this all probably sounds pretty dumb. I can't seem to shake the blues today. And I thought maybe if I post this maybe somebody out there could see things clearer than me, and maybe say something that could cheer me up. That's the problem with depression, when you're in its grasp, you can't see the good, you only see the bad. I'm just real tired of being sad.

Donna

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: momoftwins65
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 2:20pm

Depression is VERY real. And it skews logic into illogical things.


I don't know that I have a lot for you here Donna. What time of the month is it? Do you think this is a cycle thing, and can you just ride it out without jumping to any major conclusions?


I agree with everyone else who's tried to encourage you so far. You are NOT a terrible mother. But you aren't a magician either. No matter how much time you spend with Katie, you can't just wave a magic wand over her head so that she magically "gets it" with regards to learning.


If you're having this much trouble with her, it's possible that she could benefit from some learning disabilitiy screening. I am putting this off (too much on my plate lately) with Ty, but that's what he needs for sure. Because like you, I spend a TON of time with him, and it seems to not help at all. one day he gets something, the next the concept is completely lost on him and we're back to square one. It's disappointing, disheartening, frustrating and just maddening for ALL of us.


On Mark's comment, well, that was just plain mean of him to say. I disagree with your sister saying just let it roll and joke about it later. I have found that "joking" about something that you felt that deeply will only result in your being more hurt because the person you needed validation from doesn't get it and doesn't give you that. So, you are left feeling TWICE burnt. I think the better option is to speak with him about it. Not TOO serious and heavy. But with honesty. Let him know that you were feeling vulnerable and then he made that comment and you took it DEEPLY to heart, and then ask him to clarify.


Hugs. Mondays suck without adding to them.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: momoftwins65
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 3:09pm

Hi Donna
I don't think you're dumb at all. On his comment, I seriously doubt he even would realize this would bother you. He's a guy. He made a dumb comment. If you really think he feels like you're oversexed then when you're feeling better and you're face to face with him, you talk to him. In a calm way, express to him that you really like your sex life but you're afraid from his comment that he may think you and he don't have the same feelings about it. Let him tell you if there's a problem. But I am seriously willing to bet he doesn't feel that way.

And ignore your lousy ex. Does he even help with the homework? I'm sure you are a great mom and you are doing your best with helping with the homework. All you can do is keep talking to the teachers, and keep at it. If you give up, she'll give up. And I know you don't want that.

You're not feeling well, you had what sounds like kind of a letdown weekend and these things aggravate what other challenges you are having. don't beat up on yourself.
Give yourself a break! If you can use any of that cognitive thinking with these situations, then do it. I swear it helps!

Hugs
Tara

 

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: momoftwins65
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 3:37pm

Awwwwwwwwww sweetie pie! I'm soooo sorry your feeling this way. We're twins, so I know JUST what you go through. I was thinking about going back on my pills too, because like last week the depressions are sooo awful, I feel like I'm a totally different person. Completely mean, out of control, irritational rude, angry, sad, sad, sad, self-pitying, everything and anything that comes off as negative and self inflicting. I just can't live with myself on these days, it gets sooo sad and I feel like I am doing EVERYTHING. Never having a break, never getting break towards content and happiness. Just a huge pot of self pity.
I just had my period right after and it was like a complete different change. Are you in the vacinity of getting yours?

Mark was sick, so, he was cranky. I'm the same as you in the sex area, so I've had guys make comments on my sexuality, because if I'm in the mood, I am in the mood. They have made like Mark did that would upset me, yet, I used to just ignore it and watch to see if he seemed not to want me often. Or, I would say No a few times and if he asked why, I would say "I thought you didn't want a nympomaniac, so now your just not getting ANY" LOL. That definitely brought out a conversation, that always made me the winner, because suddenly, they realized what it was like again to NOT get any. LOL Never did I hear a bad word again. Give it a try. I gtd honey, it'll work. Also, your in your 30's right? You are in your sexual peak! You were deprived, you haven't had sex in ages, sooooooo GEEZ, Mark just better like it why he can. I also have been more into sex then when I was married or in most of my twenties. I love my 30's because I am so sexually aware. So, give that little comment a whirl and see what he says. He'll be begging for it, because, no one ever insults a SCORPION and gets away with it.

As for the DD, well, I totally agree with Becky. Get her tested. You and I are so alike it's scary and I am diagnosed with ADD. Both my girls have it severly, because they have it from me and my X's, who both suffer under it. I have to be careful with the oldest, because their is also dyslexia and severe manic depressents on his side and manic deppressents on my side of the family. The medication we have for Alex helps so much. I posted on the brag thing how great her schooling is now, but it used to be straight D's and F's, now she has A & B's with an occasional C in one subject. Find a special clinic to get her checked for testing. If you do this, then you can truly say you have tried everything and have done everything to get things to work. I truly believe, from what you always post, that she wants to please you, but she is unable and this will also cause her serious problems later and the relationship you both have later. I know that I felt awful when I thought Alex was just trying to make trouble and then I found out she had ADD. I cried for weeks that I yelled at that poor kid.

Send me your number and I'll give you a call this weekend, so we can finally chat and catch up a bit. Love you honey bunny, sugar cakes, lemon drops, pumpkin nose, irish devil that you are! Kiss kiss hug hug!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: momoftwins65
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 4:29pm

Hugs, Donna.

Boy, when it rains it pours. I can understand how you feel about the exh. They can be such jerks and they know where all of our strings are to pull.

I know too as a mom it must be hard to watch a child struggle and work so hard. This is the hardest thing for any mom. I can understand how you feel. Your exh has no right to say anything except what can I do to help.

BUT with that said, you cannot expect your exh to change.

I think you should try to manage that better in the future. I would NEVER send home the school backpack without going through it first. NEVER!!
-My ex will never appreciate the work I do and he will never see that I work hard. He finds faults with everything I do and he will never change that.
-If he would find a school activity paper he would demand I sign our ds up for that and take him to it.
-If he saw a bad grade he would make a mean comment.
-And if there was homework or something to do, he would NEVER do it unless I asked him.
I go through the whole folder and *I* decide what I am going to do with regard to activities. I only send the good papers for him to see. I call if there is homework he needs to do with ds or something he can do to help with the grades if there is a problem.

I always speak positive about ds. I realize I don't have near the academic problems you do, but you have to say you are doing all you can and she is doing all she can and you have to praise her and find a way for her to find her niche.

I am a total control freak about that school backpack because I want to protect myself and ds and keep the peace.

Okay- but now you know better for next time. I really think you set yourself up for that. Please don't get mad at me for saying that.

I think that Mark was being honest about something he felt, but he picked the wrong time to say it and perhaps the wrong way. He should have said it in a more positive manner and at a different time. Don't blow it out of proportion - just tell him what he can do to make it better.

I think you have to shake off the fear of failure and be more positive with him or you are going to doom your own relationship. I will post more about that in your update.

HUGS to you, my dear friend. The world will not come to an end. You just have to manage your exh and not ever expect him to be nice to you or appreciate you. You have to go on from here. Of course PMS does not ever help these things!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
In reply to: momoftwins65
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 4:41pm

Hon, that one comment would once have sent me into a tailspin. NOW I would just very firmly say, "if you don't like it, you can find someone you like better"...or "I certainly haven't heard you complain! Maybe I should say no more often?"


I know I have recommended books to people before, "The Feeling Good Book" in particular and the book and workbook "10 days to better self esteem". I don't know if I have ever recommended them to you or not. These books and the techniques in them helped me to be realistic about myself and life and NOT go into those tailspins...don't accept information like that about yourself. Liking sex a lot is not a nymphomaniac. That's someone who can't control their urges, it's a mental disorder. Set him straight. You're a woman with a high sex drive and he is DAMNED lucky!


((hugs))