I feel so silly, ladies! Need advice!!
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| Tue, 07-05-2005 - 12:16pm |
So, just a few days ago i sent out a post to all of you. Anyway, i guess now i don't need advice on how to meet men. So I'm back with my daughters' father again, and i think this time it might just work out. Anyway, I would like to know how all of you dealt with your children's fathers'. Him and I have never been married, and i don't know. Things have been good lately, and it's just been flowing. We have both done our dirt to other people and each other. I think all of that stuff is past now. I have a history with this person...i feel comfortable with them....i feel safe with him....he's what love is to me. I want to take this thing....as far as it can go. I guess i'm still a little scared, scared of being hurt or left. He assures me frequently, but we all know how women think from time to time. I don't know what the future is going to bring. All i know is it's been 5 years so far, of extreme ups and downs. I would love to have many more of ups with him. Even yesterday on the 4th of July, my family has a party every year. Mind you i don't take anyone to these events. However i took him and our daughter. I wanted to show him off, have him be around my family. And I really think he had a good time, they embraced him, and it was just like he was a regular. Anyway I really don't know what the topic of this post is. Just wondering how all of you and your children's fathers worked out. Sorry for being so nosey. Thanks for listening.
Take care and God Bless,
Yasmari

Hello Yasmari,
I am all for trying to work it out when there are children involved. But I don't know the circumstances between you and your ex - you will have to tell us about the ups and downs so we can help you.
You will receive good advice here.
Yasmari,
I think it's great that you are willing to be with your dd's father even after all your ups and downs, but I need to ask you something. Did you work out any of the problems that caused your relationship to faulter before, or are you merely getting back together?
I ask, because if you both seriously want this to work, then you're going to have to work on it. You said that you've had a lot of ups and downs in the last 5 years, and that's not a great thing. You now have a child to think about, and she will need a stable home in which she can trust her surroundings. You cannot have her father come in and out of her life like that- it's one thing if it's YOU, but you cannot do that to HER.
You don't mention how your relationship was (the ups and downs) but I would suggest that the two of you get some kind of counselling to help you deal with any on going issues you two have. You mention that you're a homebody, I imagine more so now with a little one at home- does your partner party a lot? Is he responsible, does he have a steady job, does he pay his bills, is he reliable and trustworthy?
If you're going to be in the position where you're taking care of a child and an adult, I would suggest that you think seriously about the road you're on. If you two haven't sat down and worked out the issues you were having, then why will things be any different this time around? Ensure that you are making up with him because you want things to work out, and not just that you're lonely and he's available- and you're comfortable with him, since you've known him soooo long.
I spent almost 5 years on and off with my ds' father. I tried to be there for him and to be a stable part in his life. But the man (7 years older than me) was an alcoholic and a drug user. He would tell me what I wanted to hear, but wouldn't follow through on it. In the end I was supporting him, myself and our son on a minimum wage job, while he partied his disability cheque away because he knew I'd cover everything on his side of the bargain as well as mine. He pawned my personal items and even took off a few times with my car that I needed for work- and even with my son! I had to go through all that before a friend of mine asked, "do you really want to be doing this in another 5 years?" My answer? NO.
Now I'm with a man who is the complete opposite. We don't have any "ups and downs" because we have an open, honest communicative relationship. Sure, we've had disagreements on things, but we resolve them quickly and respectfully, even if we agree to disagree. This man makes me feel safe and taken care of, I didn't have that with my ex.
My advice is to figure out what you want in a relationship and see if this man you're with is fitting that bill.
Alison
Alison,
Thank you so much for your advice that you offered me. It's sad to say, but your ex sounds a lot like dd's father. When i say ups and downs, i mean everything. From cheating, to a woman being pregnant i didn't know about until after the fact, to hurt feelings, drug use, he's even done his far share of selling.....everything. Which has lead things to the way they are now. He's currently unemployed, because of his drug charges. Recently, him and his father had a falling out because of us (he says). He moved away from there, and awhile later and he's living with us now. He's been sick lately, and i've been taking care of him. Even took him to his doctors' office on Tuesday, which is 30 miles out of town. Bought him all his favorite sick items, and a rose to help him feel better. Note, i don't have very much money. I'm a single mother living off of nothing basically. He's not a person that says thank you very much. I grew up in a home where you say please and thank you all of the time. And he just isn't like that, that part i don't really like. I can tell he is trying to make an effort, but for me it isn't enough yet. I don't know how much longer i can wait until he gets a full time job, and does something. Before when he was working full time (we weren't in the greatest of terms) he would stop by and try to hand me $100 here $100 there, and i wouldn't accept it. I know stupid, huh? He would take us out all of the time, to try to show us a good time. I try to be encouraging, and helpful. Taking him around to interviews, cooking dinner for him at night, and such. I know that i'm a homebody, but i also like to go out sometimes...i know that this is because of my daughter. He's more outgoing, but i know that he's been more of a homebody lately. I don't know if this is because of him wanting to be home more, or him not having a car. I love this person, and i have for over 5 years now. I don't know if i'm doing this because of comfortable or he's familiar. I know that this time since we've been together he's talked a lot about traveling with us, buying us new furniture, new cars, moving out of town with us, even the word 'marriage' came out of his mouth a few times, and that all sounds good....I'm just trying to figure out WHEN!? I know things take time, but i just feel like i've waited all of this time for these things, why do i have to wait longer, and for what?.....To not know if they'll come or not. In the same token too, i don't want to leave and not know what could have been with him. This is my first love, i haven't known any other. In a lot of ways i see the changes that he's made, and i love that about him, but in other ways i know there are things they he needs to work on. Like getting upset about simple things, and getting mad, just silly stuff. I need and deserve security as well as my daughter, and i don't feel like i have that with him. I don't honestly know if that's something they has to grow with us, or it should just be there. Anyway, i'd love to know anymore advice you all care share with me. It's funny just reading my post out loud to myself. However i know i'm not perfect either.
Yasmari
Yasmari,
You sound like such a wonderful person and mother. I am really glad you came to our board.
I know he is your first love, but after reading this post, I think you have a very strong rose tint on your "glasses" so to speak.
He has to turn his life around - deal with the drug charges, find work. Those are MAJOR. And he really has to do that on his own.
If I was you I would sit him down and explain your feelings - yes you really love him - yes he is the father of your child. However, he cannot live with you and be in your life the way he is now. He has to quit the drugs, drug selling. He has to deal with the charges and their consequences. And he has to find work. Turn himself around.
I think that drugs are a major deal. They are very addictive and you just don't want to get on that merry go round - of get better - go back to it - get better - go back to it. You have to be strong for you and your child. You don't want that in your house or your life.
If he comes back clean and working that is great. But if you have found someone better in the mean time, that is great.
I think he is with you now because he has no other choice - not because he wants to turn his life around and be a good husband and father. I really don't think he is capable of that at this point.
I am sorry to sound so negative. But I care about other single moms and want to see them shine bright so they get the best person they can get.
You deserve so much more. And now that you have a child you must not settle.
I know that others will put in some more supportive posts for you - that will help you see the picture. It is good that you came here and shared and sorted your thoughts out. We are always here for you no matter what you choose.
HUGS and best wishes!!
Yasmari,
You have to listen to yourself here- you're saying "he's comfortable, I've known him so long, I haven't been with anyone else". The problem? You don't have a GOOD relationship to compare this one to, so you don't know what you should be experiencing.
I honestly think that you're just lonely, and in saying that, I think that you should really be getting out and meeting new people- and not just guys. I think you should join a class where you can make new friends, and be with people with similar interests. Even look for something you could put your daughter into where you can sit and talk with other parents with the same age children. It's when we're lonely that we tend to go to the familiar, and this guy is that for you. You've known him a long time, and there is that comfort factor there- but you need to be realistic here.
This man does drugs, and sells drugs. Do you think he's not going to do this while he's back with you and living with you? You have to think of the reality of letting this man live with you- if he was arrested they could take away your daughter. They could even charge you with accessory to his dealing, if he's found dealing from your home. They would put your daughter in foster care and you'd have one heck of a fight to get her back. Let me tell you a little story: my ex took off for a week long binge (with my car)- partying, drinking, coke- you name it. At the end of the week, he came home and admitted what he'd been up to. The next day I went to go outside to my car with my son, and there was this lady waiting by a van just down from my car. When I got to the car, she came up to me and asked if I was "A's Old Lady?" I said yes, and she proceeded to start asking me for money for the drugs and booze he took/ drank at her place all week. I said that it was none of my business and she started YELLING AT ME in the parking lof of my building, all about the things he did and all the money he owed her for it and stuff. All this, while I was running back inside with my young son in my arms. Can you picture that?
I really don't want you to find yourself in any situation like that. I've had big burly men show up at my door, whom I've given money to just to make them go away- all because HE owed them money for drugs. I didn't want to have my house burned down, my car wrecked or my son hurt because of the shady characters he had dealings with. You never know with people like that.
I think that you should be single, and get to learn who YOU are. You are now a young adult, with a child, and you haven't been in touch with JUST YOU for a long time. Granted, you can't go back to what you were like at 14, but you can relearn who you are and what you like. Build on your relationship with both yourself and your daughter, find and build that team spirit to enable you to move forward in your life. Get out and meet new people and learn what you like and don't like about yourself. Vow to work on and change anything you don't like, and put energy into those things you do like. Pretty soon you won't be lonely and you will wonder why you stayed in the life draining relationship you were in. You'll meet others who will validate what positive relationships are all about.
You can get out and date men, and learn what kind of things you want in a mate, rather than just settling on what just ONE man has to offer. You can build a template for what behaviours will be acceptable, bearable, and downright deal breakers.
The problem you are facing right now is that you don't have anything to compare your "relationship" to. You don't realize that a truly fulfilling relationship is NOT hard work EVERY DAY. It's one where you feel supported emotionally by your partner, where there is complete trust in both words and actions of the other party. Where you feel good with them, that they bring out the best in you, and you in turn want to bring out the best in them. Where you feel like a queen, and want to treat him like a king. Where you can rely on that person 100% for your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs should you need them. Where you don't feel like every day is a constant, "what is going on?" with your life- that you're HAPPY and STRESS FREE.
So, please, think about your child and the impact you have on her life, and what you will be modeling for her as a "healthy relationship" and ask yourself if that's truly what you're showing her. I went from the same thing you're going through RIGHT NOW, and here I am 4 years later- and the best decision I made was to end it for good. I am a better person, a better parent, and a better co-parent to my son because of ending things with his father. Also, I'm in a wonderful relationship that has all the wonderful qualities I just listed- and I didn't know any better before. And you know what? As "comfortable" as I THOUGHT I was with the "familiar"- I am WAY MORE COMFOTABLE now in a healthy and secure relationship. I am also modeling to my son what a good relationship looks like, one without stress and yelling and a drunk father.
(((((HUGS))))) I send you the strength to stand up and move forward in your life.
Alison
Alison,
I applaud you for a note so so well written - that is a wonderful message for yasmari and for all of us.
We are blessed to have you and your advice and well-written letters on this board.
I did have one question for you Alison..... did you see the red flags or the drugs/drinking with your ex while you were dating him? Was it something you thought would change? Or something that surprised you after a while? I hope you don't mind me asking - I was just curious and wanted to learn from you.
You did make a good decision and I know from your previous posts that your current SO sounds very nice indeed!!
Judy,
Thanks for the positive comment to my post. I always try to give the advice from my own experience, so sometimes it does go on a little LOL. The situations where there are drugs and alcohol involved are just so close to what I went through that I just have to get those honest words out there, in the hopes that it will help someone else.
To answer your question, I didn't really see the flags when we first got together, and I'll explain why. I didn't really have any long-term boyfriends through the teenage years, had maybe 2 "serious" bf's, but those lasted less than three months. When I turned 19 (legal drinking age in Canada), my friends and I would get a bottle of booze on the weekends and sit around and drink and play cards and whatnot. Also did drugs when I was younger (16-17), like acid and pot smoking, but as I got older, I stopped.
So when I met ds' dad, I was only 19 and didn't really think anything of it when he wanted to get beer all the time, as that's how most kids are, right? And I knew he had done cocaine, and I even tried it a couple of times when we were first dating. (Never really understood it's *addictive* quality, cause I didn't really feel that much different).
But growing up in a household where there was constant fighting going on around me, I thought that that was the norm for a couple- that they yell and scream, and then make up like everything is normal in a few hours. (My parents fought over my brother and about money). So we moved in together fairly quickly after meeting, and I was still so young and naive about things. He always wanted to get beer, but at the time he was working, so it wasn't an issue yet- whereas when he wasn't working and taking the money for rent to buy beer.
I didn't know how bad his cocaine problem was until I was pregnant with ds. And by then we had been together 3 years, fighting and breaking up, and getting back together. I wanted to be the one to help him and to save him, I really thought I could, if I just stuck it out, you know?
And I complained- boy did I complain about how crummy things were, but I never listened when others said, "well, then you should leave if it's so bad" because, well, I didn't KNOW any better, or how bad things were. One day we were fighting again, and I was yelling and screaming at him, and ds came running up to me all scared looking- and I remembered at that moment how I FELT when I was little listening to my parents, and I knew it wasn't right, and I stopped yelling. But it wasn't until he took off that last weekend, that the straw broke.
It's been 4 years now, and I was soooooo angry with myself for a long time after I finally called it quits for the last time. I was so angry that I had allowed myself to stay in that situation for so long. My boss even said to me, "I know this is it for you, that you won't go back to him this time", and I asked why, and she said, "cause you're not crying".
It was true, I wasn't sad that I couldn't fix it and make it what it should've been. I wanted to be a family, but HE chose his drugs and his alcohol over us. It was HIS CHOICE.
But the biggest relief is that my son is out of that situation. I didn't want him growing up and thinking that it was normal to have people around you yelling and screaming. I remember feeling so small and scared and helpless and wondering what was going on when they fought- and I had seen that look on ds' face when he came running to me that day.
So three years later, after dating a few guys- nothing serious, I decide to just stop dating and work on me. And that's when I met J. Right away we just clicked and NOW, we're coming up onto 11 months together on the 20th. Life is so calm, and rational, and peaceful. We discuss anything, and everything- even if we disagree on something (like who's turn to do the dishes) there is no yelling or name calling. He's responsible, and doesn't do drugs- although in high school he drank and smoked pot, just like I did. And the best part? He's a great role model for ds- and a great relationship model for him as well- to see what a proper and respectable relationship is like.
I just hope that I can encourage other women not to settle for less than they deserve, and to not stay in something hoping things will change. If someone is one way now, they will be the same way in 10 years, only a slight few will ever change themselves.
Alison
Wow - what an encouraging story. I can totally see how you would not think it a big deal when you were so young and everyone partied like that. It is funny how we get so much wiser as we get older.
I am glad that you had the smarts to get out and that now you have someone great. That story encourages all of us.
Good luck and keep us posted!!