Should men take care of u when u r sick?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Should men take care of u when u r sick?
14
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 4:38pm
okay i have a question and thought i would ask you girls to see if i am overreacting. i have been dating a guy now for 6 months. i have been sick the last couple of days with a stomach virus. i have an 11 yr old son. i haven't been able to go to the store because i've been sick in bed. i was on my way to my boyfriend's house after work wed night not feeling well (1st day starting my illness) (he was expecting me) and he wasn't home yet. he didn't have his cell phone on him so i couldn't contact him. so i went home. he calls me and says where are you? i had told him that day i wasn't feeling well - then i told him i was feeling worse and after promising to see me that night, doesn't come over to my house. is it normal for guys to stay away when you're not feeling well or should they come take care of you? that night i was up with a fever and felt really awful - i'm never sick so i am a big baby. but we ended up getting in an argument because he said i was acting like a baby. so we had words and he's ignored me ever since. isn't that the biggest show of love - to take care of your significant other when they are down and out?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 6:24pm

Women tend to be more nurturing and can figure out what to do when someone is sick. A more generous guy would probably ask. Is he usually more attentive on other matters?

Sorry to hear you had to go through all of that!!

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 6:33pm

I think taking care of someone when they are sick is a nurturing thing, and any guy I am with should have some nurturing qualities even if it's not their most dominant quality.

Nothing feels better IMHO than when you have someone to give you some sympathy and hold you or help you out when you are sick. I'd understand if someone didn't want to see me actually get sick, but there were a couple times when I was sick and my x-bf would show concern, stroke my hair as I feel asleep, rub my back or cuddle. That was the first time anyone did that for me and I think now I need it in any future relationship.

By contrast, my ex-h wasn't anything like that. He expected me to be the strong one in almost every aspect of our lives. When I started developing symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, he showed how much he would not be there for me when I needed it. His concern was not for me and what I might go through having a life-long chronic illness. His concern was for himself and how this disease might limit my earning potential or my ability to do things for dd or around the house and how that might negatively impact him. He didn't want to step up to the plate if I got too sick to take care of everything, the idea 'freaked him out.' That was one of the many things that put us on the road to divorce.

None of us know if we will always be healthy. The risk for me is even greater that maybe one day I will not be able to do all the things a normal person my age can do. I need someone who I know I can count on whether I am well or not, and that includes even if I just have the flu. If someone can't help me out when I'm under the weather, what would they do if one day I wake up with swollen joints and can't get out of bed, or what if I got cancer or needed major surgery for some reason, would I be left to fend for myself? Those are the things I would be thinking about.

The question for you is how important is this on your list of priorities. Is he everything you want otherwise? Or is this a part of a bigger picture where he's just not very supportive of you when you need him to be? If you've been dating for 6 months, now might be the time that life starts to test of your relationship. How will he handle you when things aren't fun and new and easy? How will he handle financial crisis, stress, illness and any other challenges you might face as a couple? Time will tell. His argument that you were acting like a baby was insensitive and at a minimum I'd call that a red flag. It may not be the thing you end the relationship over, but it could be something you take serious note of and you should watch out for other signs that he's not the man you need.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 6:59pm
By contrast, my ex-h wasn't anything like that. He expected me to be the strong one in almost every aspect of our lives. When I started developing symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, he showed how much he would not be there for me when I needed it. His concern was not for me and what I might go through having a life-long chronic illness. His concern was for himself and how this disease might limit my earning potential or my ability to do things for dd or around the house and how that might negatively impact him. He didn't want to step up to the plate if I got too sick to take care of everything, the idea 'freaked him out.' That was one of the many things that put us on the road to divorce.




You know what, First, that is exactly the way I felt about my ex when I was pregnant - he was only concerned for himself and wanted to make sure I would not get any slack because of it - and I think he purposely stayed away more. I can remember many nights being very sick, laying on the floor, watching TV and wishing someone was there to just cook dinner for me; he chose to work long hours and stay away. I think you have a very good point here.



After the baby came he became very demanding and degrading towards me since I opted to stay home with our son and wasn't earning an income at first. That was the beginning of the end.
signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 7:16pm

My ex was the same but he was more emotionally absent than physically absent. He just didn't do anything for me because he didn't see that as his role. He was there when she was born but he might have as well been a cardboard image on a stick. If I ever have another child it better be with someone who *wants* me to lean on him, literally and figuratively.

My ex also had a thing about me staying home. One of his big fears about having children was that I would want to stay at home. A week before I went back to work I started freaking out about leaving dd, and he kept reminding me I had promised I would go back to work. He did not want the responsibility for taking care of us to fall on him, and sadly I had agreed and we had just bought a house that required us to have two incomes. He just kept saying "you better go back to work, you promised and you have to." It was not a fun position to be in.




Edited 7/8/2005 7:19 pm ET ET by firstamendment

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 7:57pm
thanks - you girls are so right - i couldn't believe he ignored me when i called him and left a message that i felt like i was going to pass out from waking up and having a fever, just feeling bad. i could never treat someone like that. i never thought about it like that - if something serious happened or you had a bad illness would they be there for you or would you be a burden to them. good way to look at it. i really needed him to be there for my son. i said well, it would be nice for you to have offered to come keep my son company or get him dinner, etc. he got so mad. funny how when we first started dating, he would play video games with him for hours. things sure change quickly. i just don't think a good guy with good intentions should have to be told what is expected of him to help someone out. it's called compassion. this guy works nights too and i wouldn't get to see him for a week if he didn't come over that night. so that makes a difference to me too. oh well. i guess i need to let this one go. there have got to be nicer men out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 9:27pm

My ex was semi okay with me quitting my job until he realized that he wouldn't have the money to go and visit his mother and family. The mother and family issue really broke the camel's back in the end. That was always more important than so many things that should have taken center stage.

I realized how bad he was the other day when I was with friends. She is pregnant and her husband SO wants her to stay home to take care of the baby. He is so proud that he will have a wife and child to call his own. He is very mature and hard-working and so into her.

Still another set of friends has the guy saying he wants the wife to stay home and he always dotes and worries over her as pregnant.

I am starting to realize what a healthy relationship should look like.

I spent a lot of hours on my feet at my job when I was pregnant - I worked very hard. And he never had sympathy for that. I think that he was always a little boy that wanted his mothers approval and everything done for him. I will never go that route again. NEVER!

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 9:28pm
I hope we have helped. Good luck!! And keep us posted!!
signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 12:25pm

If a guy is just dating you, he won't want to take care of you or see you when you're sick. He'll find something better to do. If he's in a relationship with you, he will be very disappointed that you couldn't get together and he'd offer to stop by anyway or bring you something.

It's the same thing with women. If I wasn't so keen on a guy and he cancelled a date due to illness, I wouldn't bother to get involved. If my Man was sick, I'd offer to help him.

Actions speak louder than words.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 6:44pm
Agree totally again! I have found out the worst way (3 times)when they really care and when they don't. When I was diagnosed with cancer, it was a huge eye opener for me, and I was shocked to find how many family (my father) and friends ran out on me, when I needed them most. What felt worse though, was the two relationships that swore they loved and wanted to marry me, until I was diagnosed (two different times) and then they ran. In the end, I was left with just two friends that stood with my every step of the way.
If I was ever in a relationship, then I gave a 100%. That meant the first thing I would do if they were sick was make them a huge pot of homemade chicken soup and feed it to them. Or I would run to the pharmacy, or the store or whatever to help out. Nothing is worse then being sick. EVERYONE wants to hang around a fun loving person, but if you get sick, then you notice the one's that really care for you, for who you and what you really mean to them. It hurts very badly to find out the hard way and I have learned to test it out, even though it might seem mean of me, I never want to go through the pain of being left alone like that again and I rather act a little sick and find out the reaction, then get really sick and feel the kick in the backside as the door is being shut behind me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 6:52pm
i'm so sorry to hear you've been through cancer. how are you now? and how did you end up in germany? i'm part german - do you like it there? i hope you are okay now. i totally agree with everything you said. thanks for your input.

Pages