Update...On Silly Ol' Me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Update...On Silly Ol' Me!
2
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 1:26pm

So i've been being really silly lately. On Friday and Saturday i had contact with my ex. On Saturday i had decided to go over there and chat with him. He told me he wanted to work things out, anyway that's what we decided. So i had to leave and run errands, and he told me to come back. When i got there he said, "What?" at the door. Then as i came in i told him i had something for him. I bought him some wild flowers from the store, his favorite Gatorade drink in an 8 pack, some hershey's kisses cause he needed some, and a card. So we are just sitting there, and i'm kind of upset he's not loving on me. So since i tell him, he kisses me. Blah! Then out of nowhere, he goes "I'll come out, but are you going to take me to work?" Never in the conversation did i mention him coming anywhere with me....let alone my house. So I tell him, if he wants to come over to ask me, and if he needs a ride to work to ask me. He gets upset, and says, "I don't need you telling me to ask". Cause the way he asks isn't even asking in my book, or am i going crazy? Needless to say i get my daughter, and i leave not even looking back. I promised him when i was getting her in the car, i would never put her through that again. Honestly i think my daughter thinks he's crazy too, and she's only 14 months.

I got a heads up from one of my administration friends at my school. He told me the local hospital is hiring Medical Assistants right now, and i should go apply for that position and nursing school there. I think this will help me, i need to be networking with people anyway. Cause i really don't have any friends to speak of. I want to work, and get out of this town. We will see what happens. I will be keeping you all updated. Any advice would help...Thanks and God Bless!

Yasmari

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 4:28pm

Hi Yasmari,

I think you have to decide in your own head, once and for all, that no matter what you do, you can not make this man be a decent human being and love you the way you deserve to be loved.

After he treated you so badly you brought gifts - hoping that would change him. What you need to realize is that you can't change him. All the gifts in the world cannot change him. No matter what you do you cannot change him. If you keep doing what you are doing you are going to keep getting what you are getting. And that is a headache from him.

You need to stop all contact and put yourself on the right track in life. The job and school you speak about are an excellent choice. Do it and don't look back.

Take the time to work on you - participate on the boards here - read books. You must learn that to get love you do nothing - be yourself and wait for the right man to love you with no work, no bs, no prompting, no gifts and no compromises unto yourself or your daughter.

Be strong and firm. Cut the ties with him for good. Move on to a better life. It isn't easy - it requires work and change. But you can do it and the end result will be very good for you and your daughter.

Hugs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 2:38am

I agree 100% with Judy.

It seems to me that you don't want to end it with this man- sure you SAY that you do, but then you go back and rehash it with him and then bring him gifts! What is that all about? You're not really seeing the detrement of this relationship, are you? You are so absorbed in the "poor me, look how I'm being treated" phase of things, that you're not listening to what you're saying. You're stuck in the complaining wheel, and you seem content to be there, since you're not getting off of it.

If this is how you envision your life in 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years, then by all means continue on this way.

If it's not, then you need to stop talking to this person and focus on you and what's best for your daughter.

He will not change, but he will ALWAYS be willing to "work it out" with you, because he KNOWS that you put up with his behaviour and his treatment of you. You don't know how a true relationship works, but let me give you a hint: it's EVERYTHING OPPOSITE of what you're getting now. Sounds good, doesn't it?

Do you want to be secure, happy and feel better about yourself when you're with someone? Or do you want to feel unsure of where you stand, unhappy and restless?

The first step is the hardest, but believe me, when you get on the right path, all the steps after will just fall into place for you. It took me a long time to end it for good with my son's father, but when I did, I suddenly had this positive force behind me in everything I did. I left the small town I had lived in with him, moved back to my hometown, found a great apartment, went back to school at a community college, found a great job, and finally a great man to share that new life with that I built for myself and my son. It's taken 4 years to get here, but you know what? Those four years would've happened anyway, and it was more constructive the way I filled it than to have stayed where I was and with whom I was with.

So quit saying that you're sill and get serious about your commitment to your daughter and yourself. If you realize what kind of deal you're getting with this man, and you don't want it anymore, then why keep going to his place, talking to him, bringing him presents? And involving your daughter in this back and forth drama is wrong.

Alison

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