Single moms prefer dating single dads?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Single moms prefer dating single dads?
27
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 1:51pm

Hi everyone, I hope it's ok that I post my question on this board. If this is a board meant to be for female perspectives only, I apologize.

I was just wondering if you single mothers felt more comforatable dating guys that have kids also, or if you would be open to dating men who don't have children.

I'm a 36 year old divorced guy (no kids), and I have tried online dating for well over a year now. In my experience, it seems that many single moms are looking for a man that has kids of his own. I recently corresponded with a woman with a young son, but she decided to cut things off because of that very reason. She said she would feel better getting involved with a man who had experience raising a child.

In a way, I can understand that viewpoint, but it's also somewhat discouraging. I have found that most single women in my age range have children from a previous marriage. I have no problem whatsoever dating women with kids, but it is a problem if *they* have a problem with it.

So, I was just hoping to get some good input from women who are out there in the dating game. :-)

Eric

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 2:13pm

It depends. For me, meeting a single dad involved in his child's life and no major custody battles or drama with the ex, that would be a positive. But there are also plenty of men out there fighting every day, going bankrupt paying child support and attorney's fees and have to wage a huge battle just so they can have some influence in their child's life, and that is a negative (although the upside is that it shows the man's dedication to his child, and that is nice).

I wouldn't rule someone out for not having children. I would probably rule someone out for not ever wanting children, since I would like to have more. But what if it turns out you will be a great husband and father - if that's the case then the girl who cut you off may have made a huge mistake. Her view may be short-sighted, but it is her right to take that view. I am SURE we don't all think the way she thinks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 2:33pm
Hi Eric, I never wanted to date a man WITH kids because it is plenty tough to deal with my xh and his wacky wife, I didn't want to get involved with another (possibly unreasonable) ex spouse, etc. Scheduling is a nightmare already, but to add another household to the mix would be too much for me to handle. Some (single) men thought that I should be dating men with kids, but most guys saw the logic to my reasoning.
I'm sorry about that woman that cut you off just because you had no kids yourself. I think you have to make it clear from the get go that you are very interested in stepparenting, that you would like to come into a ready made family...a lot of single moms on this board have been burned by guys who 'aren't sure' about kids. Maybe if you put that out there, that you are very interested in being a stepdad adn are not scared about 'the kid thing', you will have better results.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 3:07pm
It is possible that a woman is reluctant to date a childless man because if they ever become serious and get married, he might see first hand how tough it is to raise children, especially someone else's, and cut and run. A lot of single moms out there not only have to watch out for themselves, but for their kids as well. I think a lot of women out there would be lucky to find you though, because a lot of childless men (and men WITH kids too!!!) want nothing to do with a single mom. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 4:15pm

Hi Eric and welcome!!

I would actually prefer a younger man with no kids. I have one son and lots of time for fun things - and most men with children have little time. Although I would not rule out a man with older kids. I guess it depends on the man more than anything else.

Hope this helps!! I know that online dating is very hard.

You are very welcome to post here. We love having a man's perspective and I know you have had great posts on the online dating board.

Hope this helps!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 5:03pm

I would never rule out a guy for not being a single Dad; but I do prefer them. The biggest reason being is that I do not want to have more children & a man that has no children usually (eventually) wants his own. Another reason is that I feel like I can relate to them better & vice versa. They know what I'm going through & I know what they are going through.

But on the other side of the coin, it is great to know that there are single men out there that don't mind dating women with children. It's very refreshing & a definite change of pace from the norm. If I met a man (with no kids) that I clicked with & he was fine with not having children of his own & just learning to love mine, than that would be great! So far, it has not happened, but you never know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 6:58pm

Oh what the heck, I'll ping on this one too...although I can only give my observations as a single Dad who has his kids 290 days of the year...

I've found that there is about an equal split of single Moms that want a man that is "broken in" as a father.

What I've found to be highly skewed is that most of the women that I have dated do not want me to have my kids for 290 days out of the year! These women don't want to be the mother to my kids, but want be to be the father to theirs.

A bit one-sided.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 7:57pm

Ideally, I wouldn't mind one way or the other if a man I am dating has children, as long as he is tolerant of my children. Unfortunately, that problem is not limited to men without children. I have even dated single dads who thought their own children were great, but would like to see mine on a boat to Siberia.

In experience, however, what I have found, is that a lot of men who don't have children don't have realistic expectations of dating a single mom. "What do you mean you can't drop everything and go somewhere because you don't have a babysitter?" Also, a lot of men I have met who don't have children either panic and run the moment they find out I do, or think that because I do, I am desperate and they will get laid on the first date. When they don't, there isn't a second date.

:getting on soapbox: LOL Actually, single moms are a better bargain, IMHO. You don't have to worry about them being out with another guy if they are home with their kids. For that matter, you probably don't have to worry about another guy being at her place either. If she can cook and clean well enough to keep a child or children alive, she probably is going to cook and clean well enough to keep you alive. Her priorities probably are not whatever she can get out of you. You probably won't take a backseat to her career.

HTH and glad to see a male perspective here.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 9:23pm

Hey there stranger!!!

We've missed you around here, how are things with you???

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 9:34pm

Eric,

Welcome to our board, we love to have male opinions around here.

To answer your question for myself, I really do not have a preference. I dated a few single guys after splitting with my son's father, but only had one say that "you would be a great girlfriend, if it wasn't for the kid." (Jerk) I dated one single dad who had sole custody of his son, and while it was nice to have someone who understood the restraints of parenting, it was hard to get time alone.

If you're seriously open to the idea of dating a single mom, then that's great. My bf didn't bat an eyelash when I told him I was a single mom, and I thought that was strange, because a lot of guys I met suddenly had something else to do when I brought that up, you know? He was raised by a single mom, so he had an idea of what to expect.

I think if you meet a woman who says she's got kids, make sure you let her know right away that it's not a problem. Don't be TOO enthusiastic to meet her kids and play house though, she might think you were a creep LOL! But just be honest with her that her having children doesn't bother you, that you accept that she has responsibilities and you are patient to deal with the little things that pop up with kids. (Like rescheduling a date because her son just got sick.)

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 9:01am

I totally agree with this post.

I also feel it would be very stressful to have 2 households with exspouses and young children. This would be stressful for scheduling and for kids getting along and stuff like that. I think it is already a strain enough to have that on one side. Although I have seen moms on here who have had everything work and fall into place with this situation.

I have the good fortune of having really good babysitters and my family here and my own business so I have free time and can be spontaneous. I am civil with my exh and he is not around that much because he travels all the time - although he does take ds a few days each week and on most weekends.

Also, it is my experience that an exwife is usually more demanding than an exhusband. I guess what I am trying to say is that my situation with one kid is not anywhere in comparison with men I have talked to online who have small children. They spend a lot of their free time with their kids and kids activities and are in limbo trying to deal with their exwife. And if their kids live far away they are not happy and seemingly not really available for a relationship.

At least since I have a boy that is a way for a man without kids of his own, or grown kids, to relate. My son can help with yardwork, play sports, play xbox, go to games, watch games and relate to him as a man. I feel that my son is not a burden in any way since he makes good grades and has good behavior. Most guys I have dated have also seen it this way. I also would love the chance to have more children.

I hope I don't offend the males on here with children - maybe you will disagree and I respect that. I am speaking of my unique situation and observances from dating and talking to dads online.

As I have often said, there are no absolutes - anything can work when the people want it to and stuff falls into place.

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