Getting on my Soapbox again
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| Mon, 07-25-2005 - 10:13pm |
It happened again. I was talking to a nice guy in the parking lot of the hardware store, right up until he noticed the pair of kid sized shoes on the back seat of my car. Then he said it was nice talking to me and set a land speed record getting out of there. This is what I'd like to tell the single men of the world. Maybe we can get Charmin to print it on toilet paper so they would read it. LOL
What I’d Like to Tell Men About Single Moms
Ok, so you clicked my profile. You see that I have kids. Your mouse heads for the back button. Or you met me in the parking lot at the grocery store. We were having a nice conversation until you noticed the car seat in the backseat.
Wait.
What’s the problem?
You think single moms are no fun, they’re not interested in anything you like, they are just looking for someone to help pay their bills, they’ll sleep with anyone, they’re just looking for someone for their kids to call Daddy, they’ll never amount to anything, they’re frumpy and dumpy and grumpy and…
No, we’re not.
There is not a curse placed on women that strips them of all humanity once they’ve given birth. They still have personalities. They can be a lot of fun. They can carry on conversations that have nothing to do with Barney, Spiderman, or Barbie. There’s no reason why we wouldn’t be interested in the things you are interested in, unless they would hurt our children.
Single moms are extremely resourceful. We can stretch a dollar farther than you ever thought possible. We might not have brand new designer clothing, but we take care of what needs taken care of. Therefore, we don’t expect you to spend a lot of money on us. You don’t have to spring for dinner at the Chateau Maison, Olive Garden is fine. If you do throw money at us, at best, we’re suspicious. At worst, we’re insulted.
Single moms are a lot more picky than the average woman. Free time and babysitters are hard to come by, so if we agree to go out with you, you’re lucky. Chances are there have been some poor guys who didn’t make the cut. We don’t have the time or energy to keep three or four guys on the string, so we’re much less likely to run around on you. We know that games are for children. We are ready for someone who is serious about a relationship, but in most cases, we don’t want to rush into anything for fear of being burned again. That doesn’t mean if the person and the time are right, we won’t have sex. We got the kids, didn’t we?
If single moms are picky about who we spend our time with, we are even more picky about who comes around our children. You are most likely not going to meet them any time soon. Our children’s hearts are much more fragile than ours, and we are not going to risk having them broken by a man who has not proven himself worthy of meeting them. And don’t worry, the kids probably aren’t going to take you seriously for a while anyway.
Single moms know what they want out of life. It may be a degree they’re doing one class at a time, it may be a used car they are saving for, it may be a certain type of relationship they are seeking, or it may just be eight hours of uninterrupted sleep they want, but every single mom has something they are working toward. They are strong, responsible, and reliable, because they have to deal with two parents’ responsibilities alone.
Single moms have a built in bonus that childless women don’t have. You can see us interact with our children. You can tell a lot more about what kind of a person someone is by seeing them interact with a child than by listening to them list their priorities over dinner. If we can cook and clean well enough to keep our children alive, then we would probably be able to cook and clean well enough to keep you alive, right? If we are good mothers to our children, we would be good mothers to your children, right? You don’t have that kind of guarantee with the blonde at the other end of the bar.
Finally, do you think we chose to become single mothers? Something happened to put us in this situation. Something that could happen to any woman, your sister, your cousin, your mom, or your best friend. Most likely, a man let us down in some way. We are brave enough to try again. Won’t you be worthy of our efforts? Come on, it's just dinner.

Your post is very creative and cute - I like how you list all of the positive attributes of a single mom!! I am going to copy you and encourage everyone to share their positive attributes from single motherhood in a QOTW post. Thanks for the idea!!
I think, though, that men are uncomfortable at first when they see kids because they respect motherhood and think it is inappropriate for them to express interest. Maybe they think you are married? I wonder what his reaction would have been if you explained the shoes? Or brought it up before you saw him? Just a thought for you to try. I don't think you should ever be ashamed of being a single mom and certainly you shouldn't act that way about yourself to a guy.
It isn't any easier for women of any age to find a guy who is into them and wants a relationship. Take a look at the Dating Doyenne board and you will read the hundreds of soap operas of women who sleep with a guy on the first date, hangout as a booty call girl and then wonder, months later, why he isn't into dating them and giving them girlfriend status. Really... those stories are there and they always baffle me.
My two babysitters are gorgeous girls in their 20s going to college. They have it all together and look good. They are fun and funny. But they are just as frustrated as us because all of the guys their age want to party and have casual sex and don't have good jobs.
I was baffled at how this could be until I witnessed the scene at the beach this weekend. The younger guys in front of me were talking about how they can go to this certain bar and have at least 5 girls walk up to them for sex in one night. THEN I understood what my babysitters always tell me about the guys at school. (I also saw a bright pink rubber float by in the ocean and had to warn my son about that "jellyfish"!! - What is our world coming to?? LOL!!)
I also have single girl friends of all ages without kids - and they have it just as hard as we do to find the right person.
So don't give up. One of these days the right guy is going to plow into you and like you for you. And he isn't going to care if you have 10 kids!!
BTW - my son has never been an issue with me for dating - my issue is finding someone in shape who is available and wants a girlfriend. Most of the guys in my age group are out of shape and they have been through bad divorces and only want sex.
I loved your post!
I totally know what you're talking about when the guy bails so hard his head is spinning! I was at a bbq for a friend, day after she got married. When it was time to go, I was waiting for my mom to pick me up, she had been entertaining ds for the afternoon for me. Some people arrived about then, and one of the guys struck up a conversation with me. He was older, had that "biker" look- but so do alot of my friend's husband's friends, so no biggie. I kept looking up the street for my ride home (I didn't have a car at the time) and he asked what I was looking for, and I said my ride. So then he offers me a ride home (on his Harley? I think not!) and I decline, and he asks why, and I say something about my mom having my son.
SCREEEEEEEEECH! I heard the brakes go on IN HIS HEAD and he could NOT hightail it out of there fast enough! I laughed the whole way home, but really, it's sad.
I think most guys are put off by the thought that, "she's just looking for a daddy for her kid". What they don't realize is A) the child already has a father and B) in the beginning of a relationship it's all about ME and MY needs- kid won't be meeting you any time soon buddy!
My current honey didn't bat an eyelash when I mentioned my son- he was raised by a single mom, so he was fine with that, AND understood the position I was in. I was equally impressed that no one in his family gave him the "I'm sure she seems like a nice girl, but do you really want all that responsibility?" talk. Nope, they were all really great about it, and have welcomed us both in the family with open arms! Even bought us presents for Xmas!
But really, it's the guys who miss out when they are passing a single mom over. They don't realize that she will be attentive, encouraging, patient, nurturing and responsible. Unlike some single women I know who are disorganized, selfish and blow money on totally unrealistic things!
Alison
Burn rubber burn! If I could give a nickel for everytime a guy tried to pick me up and then found out that I had kids (I still hear the tires screeching)! Then honey, I wouldn't have single mom budget problems any longer. LOL.
THEY soooo NOT know what they are missing. Like you, I'm sexy as heck, have an awesome body for my petite figure and intelligent to boot.
It used to get me so down, but now, it just doesn't phase me any longer. Those days are over. Why? I have no idea, but maybe because singlehood has been going on for 4,5 years and I am sooooo confident about who I am and it's me who has the control now. I feel that I have all threads in my hand. The gut feeling the instinct of who is material and who isn't (those that accept a single mom). Now if I could just get my crystal ball a bit sharper regarding other issues they may have, then I would be set.
Don't let it get to you. Childless women aren't getting treated any better than we are. In fact, I'd say that childless women are treated worse. They get fed a bunch of lies, strung along, and they don't have much success at dating. When a man knows you're a single mom, he's more serious about having the relationship with you. If he runs as soon as he finds out you're a single mom, it's not because he has good intentions for childless women....he just wants to get laid and feels weird about messing with a single mom. So, he'll find a childless woman to screw.
Wow, Redhead, this is great!
Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p