Dating again after divorce ?'S
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Dating again after divorce ?'S
| Sun, 07-31-2005 - 1:21pm |
Hi everyone, I am new to this board and needing some advice/feedback. I am almost divorced, (seperated 2 years, ex has a live in gf) and recently I started seeing someone , sort-of. Sounds confusing , I know, but anyways, it is a man whom I have know socially for the past 5 years or so. He is divorced now for two years and we went on a date two weeks ago for dinner and drinks. We had a great time! The problem is, there was some interference with my ex calling him and saying things like we were going to be getting back together, etc, and that was not true. It didn't scare him off like I thought, but I we haven't been on another date since. We have talked a few times or so and tenatively had plans for this weekend but he had his kids. Turns out we have our kid free weekends at different times. He has told me that he is flexible and would be able to trade days with his ex so we could go and do something. As of last night we have set somthing up for two weeks from now. That is fine with me, but I really like him and want to see him before then. Tell me, do I sound insecure or impatient? We are going to try and do lunch in the middle of the week. Then he is going to take hs kids again this weekend so he is free the weekend after. OKAY, so this is all new to me. What I am wonderng is, A) does he really want to see me and is just taking it slow? 2) Or is he trying to blow me off? I dont' know I feel like he likes me, and I have a huge crush on him! It is so nice to be around a nice man, my ex is such an ass. So, I guess I am just looking for some dating guidelines, or advice, maybe some reassurance that it will all work out! I feel like a giddy school girl aNd I am in my 30's(late)!

Welcome!!
I think you should just go slow and see how things progress. I see a few things that you may want to be a little careful on:
- you are not divorced yet - I think it is better if you can become your own person again and give yourself a little time to get over your divorce. This will allow you to be strong so you can withstand the rigors of dating.
- your ex is interfering with your dating life
- you are vulnerable to having a strong crush and not holding back your heart to see what the guy is going to do
Just remember that it won't really matter how much you like him - he has to be "that into you" and this will take time for you to see. It does sound as though he is holding back because of what your ex said.
Time will tell. Try to be patient. And keep us posted - we are always here to help and support.
I hope this helps somehow - I am sure there will be more good advice as well.
Welcome!
It sounds like he does like you, in the fact that he is willing to try to trade things around to get to see you. If he didn't want to, the fact that he has his kids would make the perfect excuse. Don't get in too much of a hurry. Not only do you run the risk of scaring him off, but also you have no idea how much your perception of your entire world will change over the next few months as your divorce is finalized and you become an independent person. Everyone told me that when my ex and I first separated, although I didn't believe it at the time. We had been emotionally separate so long, I didn't see what difference physical distance would make. But you really do go through a whole transformation, and it's not just an undoing of the transformation you had when you got married. You also need to put your foot down where you ex is concerned. Living in a separate household with another woman does not give him any jursidiction over your social life. Giddy school girl feelings are good, but they need responsible adult actions behind them once you are a 30ish single parent. The guy you're seeing may just be trying to keep the relationship from going too far too fast. All in all though, he sounds like a good guy so far. Good luck and keep us posted.
Kelly
Well, I was separated for 4 years before I was divorced, because that was law in Germany. Therefore, I think, if she has really been separated for 2 years, it doesn't mean anything.
My question is: How does your X know this guy? Did you discuss this with him? Did he meet him? Obviously, he caught wind somehow and you need to make sure your lips are sealed regarding your private life. It isn't any of his business. Don't let him conduct any chit chat regarding what you are doing during your private life. Period....
Why did your X make that remark? Have you had a conversation or anything that might have triggered that off? Maybe if you could give us a bit more detail, we can give clearer advice on that situation.
As for the new guy, I agree to take things slow. Don't scare him off. He obviously does want to see you, but try not to pressure him or be too anxious. That is sometimes hard for me, but usually only because I am not really into the guy, so I find ways in the back of my head to push him away. I don't realize what I've done, till he's gone and then I'm WAY relieved that he is. If I really like someone, then I am very laid back and ready to take things at a slow pace. As soon as any red flags come up, I start getting wierd and very impatient.
I totally agree that your ex has NO business knowing anything about your life now. You two should only be discussing kids and kid related topics. Your love life is OFF LIMITS he has NO reason he should be aware of anyone you're dating. And you should be giving him ROYAL pain for calling up the guy and doing that- tell him to stay out of your business or you'll take him to court!
That said, you need to slow down and relax. Don't get all worked up because this is the first guy that's come along to show interest. You really should be out and open to other options at this point, it's only been one date, so don't put all your eggs in one basket. Sure you like him and he seems to be so perfect, but that feeling will also be strong because you're not seeing the qualities of your ex in him. It's easy to get caught up in the fairy tale that you create around someone that you don't see the truth- so let reality come in the window a little.
Good luck.
Alison