When to start over?
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 08-06-2005 - 5:44pm |
I'm steadily doing better. I haven't seen or talk to J since the third week in June (I looked in the archives). I am thinking about and planning for my move later this year and I'm picturing myself getting back out in the dating world. The thing that seems to be hard right now is closing the door on the idea J might change his mind and we'd get back together. I know this is possible, I know in my heart he's never going to move. I also know that his pain from his son moving away is something he'll be dealing with for years and as long as he's focused on that he won't commit to me. I'm the one that needs to close this door, and I'm trying to figure out who I do that.
I don't believe I will ever stop wondering how he's doing or caring about him. When I have the strong urge to call him or email him, I just think I don't want to risk he would want to see me. I really don't want to see him, because I don't have it in me to get excited, get dressed up and enjoy spending time with him and then dealing with all the emotions afterward. I want him to be calling ME apologizing to ME and wanting to know how *I* am doing. That isn't going to happen. Even if it did happen, I'm not so sure we could just start over. My friends and my mom (and probably you guys) would be kicking me in the head (so to speak) saying it won't be any different, it will be more wondering and waiting and more pain.
So I've been doing well. I went to the gym today! But I'm bored. I'm completely busy when I have dd, but that is only half my life. I have some reading, I've got my volunteer stuff, I have a test I need to take for work, work is going great. I don't mind being alone, but I really miss having an adult to talk to other than my mom or my coworkers. The idea of getting to know someone new doesn't really appeal to me, but I did look on yahoo personals today, you know, just to see if there are any guys in the area I might move to (I'm checking out the schools, might as well check out the OLD ads too). There are two guys on there that look nice and have profiles that sound like they are looking for relationships. I'm tempted to put up a profile and email one of them, but I don't think I'm ready just yet. But when? I am going to Colorado in a few weeks. When I get back it will be September, it will be 4 months since J and I broke up, and about 2 1/2 months since we saw each other last, and I will be 35. Would that be a good time? Is it okay to go back to dating because I'd really like to get out and live my life even if my heart is still a little sore? Will meeting some new people help close that door for good? Or should I wait until I get to the point I feel no more pain about losing J? Will that ever even happen? And by that time, am I going to pulling my hair out I'll be so starved for adult companionship?
Ok, typing "losing J" made me start to bawl, so I'm clearly not ready yet. But maybe if the rest of you have gone through this you could tell me if the pain was totally gone before you started dating again? What did it feel like when you were ready? I have no point of reference. The end of my marriage was time for celebration, there was no feeling of loss just a feeling of freedom. The only other person I really ever gave my heart to was my first boyfriend and I was 17-18 years old then.


I think you are ready when you know you can have an "open heart" to consider someone else. If you looked at profiles and liked a few of them that is a good sign. And you are right on with knowing he is not likely to change so that is good. I think it is normal to feel a little sad at the loss sometimes - you certainly don't seem sad all the time.
I do totally understand what you mean about lonely. I get lonely sometimes on the weekends when I don't have DS and don't have planned activities. But I have been working very hard on expanding my horizons and trying to make plans for a few weekends in advance so I don't feel this way so much - and this is good for me.
I think you would be better off if you could get yourself to a less lonely state without a guy and maybe that would help you not miss J so much.
If you feel good and are happy you are going to attract the right person. I don't really see anything wrong with dipping your toe in the online dating pool as part of the processs.
Keep us posted!! You are still young and have your whole life to live. And I know you have a lot to offer because you write such intelligent and thoughtful posts and you seem to really have your life together with managing DD, working, going to take a test and being on a budget for a house.
No, I'm not sad all the time. I feel good most of the time. You are right about waiting until I have an open heart. I look at these profiles or think of moving on and the idea appeals to me, but when I think of actually talking to someone new or going on a date, well, I know I'm not ready. I did attend a work party last week and spent a good amount of time talking to the HR guy from the corporate office. He's divorced with two kids, attractive and intelligent. There is no actual attraction between us but it was fun to be talking to a guy, another adult, another divorced parent. Maybe that is what made me want to look at profiles again.
I have these two profiles saved in my yahoo file. I'm going to wait until I go to Colorado at the end of the month and when I get back I'll see if I might be ready to 'dip my toe' into OLD again. I'll take it month by month from there until I feel ready and my therapist agrees.
While I was on there I noticed my old profile was still there (it was inactive, but I previously thought it was deleted). I updated it, what do you think?
"I am a hard working mom with a good career and a bright future. My glass is more than half full. I’m down to earth, sensitive, caring and giving. I am looking for someone who has the same values as me, but not always the same opinions. I am petite, nice and have a friendly smile. People say I am cute but you’ll have to judge that for yourself. In addition to reading and exercising, my favorite activities include cuddling and kissing. It would be nice to find someone I could share my life and my heart with, but I plan on enjoying my life and maybe meeting some good friends along the way regardless of what my future holds."
I'll still keep my profile unsearchable. When I'm ready to OLD again I'm just going to email one person at a time, see if there's a connection and if not, move to the next person. If that doesn't work, then I'll consider making my profile searchable.
I also emailed J. It's not so much that I want to have contact, but I want him to know I'm moving. I don't want him to have the idea that he can call me up in 6 months and I'll still be around. Where I'm moving is really far away from where he is (too far) and for whatever reason I need him to know that. Whether he responds or not, at least I'll know he knows I'm moving away and that means I'll be moving on. Part of me wants him to be the one to close the door on the relationship for good, and if he can't or he doesn't, then I will keep working on slowly closing it myself. I'd been thinking of emailing him for weeks, and now I can put that thought behind me. I'll know he knows and I'll know he doesn't care.
I love your profile!! And what you write about closing the door. I think it is good you sent that note to J - it is good that you are doing what it takes to have closure for yourself. Your approach to wait until after your CO trip is good - it gives you more time and some things to look foward to. I also think that trip will do you good - any time away from your life and regular day to day routine will help you move on.
I am anxious to hear about your OLD adventures.
I want to give IRL (in real life) a shot. One of my girlfriends took me to a sports bar at 10AM yesterday to watch a rugby game. The bar was full of very cute, athletic guys who were there to watch the game and there were very few women so I got some attention. They have the games every week and her husband is going with us next week so will see. At least it gave me hope.
I am just having fun staying busy and getting out of the house. I have also made more of an effort to make plans in advance for my weekends so I am not sitting home alone. That has helped me a LOT. I have races coming up and a football game for DS plus a party for a friend.
I really do want to make some friends and get out more. I am so isolated where I am now. When I moved here last July I was moving away from the few friends I had made, but I had J in my life and I still got to see those friends occasionally. Now I obviously have a little more time on my hands. I did meet someone from the divorce support board last week, she lives around the corner from me and has a dd that is a year 1/2 younger than me. My problem is I *know* I'm going to move and I don't want to make a ton of new friends that live nowhere near where I'm going to live. I'm hoping that after I move I can do a better job of meeting people (friends, not just guys).
That sounds like fun to go to a sports bar mid-day and watch a game. I did that a few times when I was dating my ex-h. That was a long time ago but it was fun.
I think you should still try to make friends now - you have a while before you leave - and you would still have them to talk to after you are gone.
Yes - the sports bar was fun during the day. At first it was a little crazy because one of the teams scored and you could hear the very loud shouts all the way across the parking lot. Apparently rugby afficiendos are just as riled up as football fans!! And they all have these really cute english accents because they are from the UK, NZ, Australia and South Africa!!
My friend just married a kiwi. She has such a great story. She got set up by a friend whose SO was friends with her now husband. But at first she wasn't sure so she put it on hold. Then gave it a try a few months later - they went kayaking and really hit it off. Then he took her to New Zealand and they camped for 6 weeks all over. They totally fell in love. Then he proposed for Xmas - he threw a party for her and turned off all the lights. He had the ring in a lighted box. She was so stunned she was speechless and everyone there cried for her.
AHHHHHHHHH - romance - how sweet!! This is a story to inspire both of us!!