First Timer who's all ears

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
First Timer who's all ears
8
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 3:04am

Hey all!

This is my first time here! I'm a single mom with a baby boy, almost 8 months old. And I've been through alot in the last 16 months.

It's been rough. My baby's father was my bf of 2 1/2 years. We were broken up about 6 weeks when I found out I was pregnant.

At first, he wanted me to have the baby, but after spending a weekend with his dad and brothers, he was convinced that I set him up.

He's been avoiding us ever since. I've notified the state and the child support people are after him. He's really mad at me for getting pregnant.

I've been single since April 2004. I had suitors before I found out I was pregnant. But they left when I told them I was having the baby. They all wanted me to get an abortion, which I'm glad I didn't!

My son is GORGEOUS and SMART! His name is Keith Michael and he looks like the Gerber Baby! It's just so tragic that his dad wants nothing to do with him. And Keith is his first son, too! Newt always wanted a son and has three daughters from his first marriage.

It's been painful and heartbreaking. But it's all done with. I'm over him and I don't hate him anymore. When everything gets resolved between us and he sees the baby, I know I'll be able to forgive him and let him go. The child support stuff has to get resolved first.

Lately, when I'm out and about, I've been checking out the guys. I'm love addicted and post regularly on the Codependents and Love Addicts board.

There's some really nice guys out there who really love babies! As soon as I've gotten over Newt, they've been coming out of the woodwork! Most of them are fathers who love their kids.

When I was all heartbroken, I didn't run into guys like that. So I think it's a good sign that I'm running into such nice guys. I've stayed single and out of the dating scene for so long.

It would be great to have a bf right now. It's kind of a fantasy right now. I was like this when I met my baby's father.

I don't get out much though. Most of the men I'm around are married. I took some time off to be with the baby, so I'm not working right now. I'm a chemist with a degree in chemical engineering.

But I saw this board and thought I could get some inspiration. And some support.

Thanks for listening, everybody and if you have any feedback, please post!

Sincerely,

Michelle

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 7:37am
You sound like you are doing wonderfully and congratulations on your baby. Welcome to the board, glad you found us!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:08am

You sound like you are doing very well on your own. You are in a good place mentally.

Enjoy your precious baby and don't worry - as long as you take good care of him and you everything will fall into place.

I hope you stay and post with us - 1,000,000 welcomes to you!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 10:12pm

Michelle,

Welcome to the board!

It takes a lot of strength and courage to do it alone, especially from day one! Some men think that a woman will get pregnant to try and *keep* them, when really, it was just awkward timing. I'm glad that you have filed for child support- even if the guy wants nothing to do with his son, he still has a legal obligation to him. And if he doesn't want that legal obligation, he will have to go to court and give up his parental rights to the child.

You sound like you're doing just fine without him. And truly, it's HIM that's going to be missing out on his son's life.

Have fun with dating, but just make sure that you take time getting to know the guys you're dating- as you said you were a co-dependant, you will have to take extra care with the guys as you now have a son to think about. If the guy isn't up to par on all levels, then move on, don't get stuck on one because it's the first guy to give you attention.

Keep us posted.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 11:05am

Michelle,

I'm glad you found our board and I hope you stick around. It sounds like you're not 100% over your ex. You mentioned him a lot in your post and you're still in the middle of a child support/legal issue.

I was in the same fantasy state when I was separated. If you date during this time, it's more of a distraction from the other crud that is going on. I guess, that serves a purpose, but it also leaves you wide open to getting tied down to a jerk or hurting some guy when you no longer need that distraction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 12:37am

Thanks for the warm welcome! It's good to be here!

I'm not quite ready to be dating yet, but I just wanted to know from some other moms what it's like.

Like I said, dating is just a fantasy in my life right now, lol. From a distance, it looks wonderful. But if Mr. Right were to knock on my door right now, I'd be terrified!

In the meantime, I'll be sure to come back to this board! The people here sound really nice :).

Talk soon,

Michelle

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 12:41am

Judy,

Thank you so much! You sound like a very warm, loving person! I bet you're a grrreat mom!

And yes, I will love to come back here! I already put you all on my favorites list!

Thanks again for the wonderful welcome!

Hugs,

Michelle

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 1:15am

Alison,

Thanks so much for all the support! It always feels good that I'm not alone. When we all stick together, our situations aren't so hard and lonely :).

As for men, I'm taking a long break from the last relationship (the baby's father). After a serious relationship, I've always stayed single. Just so that I could get my space and enjoy my singlehood. I really think I can be happy with or without a guy.

The best thing about being single is that I don't have to feel guilty if I flirt and be feminine around men. And I can do what I want and not have to feel "made over" to please a guy. I can be who I really am.

I've always felt so "controlled" when in a relationship. But that's probably my codependency. My mom is very controlling and she's very, very much like the guys I've been with.

My parents were divorced when I was real little and separated when I was an infant. So when I was older, I made up these "fantasy dads."

Michael Landon was my fantasy dad, lol. He looks like he could be my dad, because he looks a lot like my real dad. So does Jeff Goldblum, but the dark side of my dad, lol.

So I've always chosen older men as bf's. Caretakers, father figures. So the control issue was always really big for me. I need to let go of that. I need to trust myself more, and the baby is teaching me a lot about that.

As a new single mom, I've been OVERWHELMED with responsibility this year! It's really hard, and part of me doesn't like it, but for the love of my son, it's all very, very worth it!

I love him so much! When he laughs, all he needs is wings and he looks like those little cherubs in a Michael Angelo painting! He's so beautiful, with those big blue eyes. I don't mean to brag, but he's truly the LOVE of my life!

He has my features, but his dad's coloring. I'm half Native American and very Indian looking. The other half is Anglo Saxon, but I look more Indian. The men in my family all look Irish, isn't that funny?

Keither's dad is Scottish. So Keith looks golden. He is fair haired, fair skinned and has these beautiful blue eyes. He looks so much like my nephew when he was that age. My sister's ex is English and Scottish.

Sorry I got off track, but you seem like a really nice person :). I'm glad that you responded to my post :).

The child support is forthcoming. I called today and found out that Newt showed up for the court date and agreed to the payments. They should've started August 1st. I don't know if I'll get back pay though. I need to find out.

One more thing. My procrastination was what got me pregnant. I had some bc pills waiting for me at the pharmacy.

But I never looked forward to going there, because a bunch of little old ladies were working there and it took sometimes a half hour to get meds there, lol. I transferred all my prescriptions to Walgreen's before then.

All I had to do was go get those pills, but I didn't want to wait. So I was in denial about getting pregnant. The baby's father was kind of a sex freak, so I should've known better, lol.

Anyway, thanks again for your kindness :). I'll keep you all posted in the near future!

Hugs,

Michelle


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 2:42am

Wow, I know what you mean. The grieving process over losing a loved one takes a long time.

And sometimes, we still have some grieving to do, before we can move on. I think it's harder for women, because we're so much more right-brained than men. We're kind of hardwired like that.

And no, I'm not 100% over him. My mind is, and doesn't plan on ever going back to him. But my heart is still with him. Because he's the father of my baby.

I still love him and always will, I guess. I know he's wrong for me and always will be. Yet, he brought some special times in my life, so my heart will always be with him. He's just a memory right now.

The child support is coming any day now, the state of Georgia and I are just waiting. I'll let you all know about that, as the story unfolds.

Right now, I'm nowhere near in shape for dating! I have too many unresolved areas in my life. There's so much of my life to be repaired, by my Higher Power, for me to even think about dating!

And not being 100% over him is a big factor! I had suitors right from the get go, but they weren't good for me, obviously.

I feel pretty okay without a guy. Friday and Saturday nights are lonely, but that's the only time I think about men.

When I make plans with my friends, I don't even think about that. I'm usually wrapped up in all the stuff I have to do on a daily basis, too.

That whole romantic, relationship side to me is asleep right now. I think a lot of it has to do that I'm a size 16, lol. If I was a size 8, I would be getting tempted all the time, lol.

I'm still beautiful and I look like a plus size model. Unless a guy got really close to my soul and knew what I was about, I know I can't get a date right now.

Ironically, I was this size when the baby's father got close to me. I couldn't BELIEVE how turned on he was when we first met!!! AND HE WAS THE HANDSOMEST GUY I'VE EVER MET!

It wasn't all him, it was me. I've struggled with alcoholism for a long, long time. And that's the biggest reason I'm 39 and never been married. That's why he left me.

When he found out I was pregnant, he wanted me to have Keither. But he went on a camping trip the weekend after, with his dad and brothers, who were completely against me.

I really think that if I didn't get pregnant, he would've put up with my drinking and came back. But only to use me. He loved being single more than he loved being with me.

So I think the baby kept him away because he wasn't good for me. Newt would never commit and say he would always be there for me.

He played me with that, and that's why I write on the love addicts board. He would use my fear of abandonment to control me. And he did for a long time. That wasn't fair to me.

You seem really analytical and like a strong woman. But believe me, I'm done with him!

When I can forgive him that's when I'll be free! I'm over all the hatred and resentment, but I just need to forgive him, before I can let him go.

After he makes the first child support payment, I could see him calling me, wanting to see the baby. But I called him the 4th of July and told him how much I hated him.

So I have no idea how it's going to go. If he were to call me and want to see Keith, then I would let him come over. I think we would make our amends in person, right then.

Whenever he's hurt me, he's hugged me and held me and said he was sorry. It's so much not like him to blow me off through this child thing!

But his love of money was the biggest thing behind it all. He's always been a cheapskate.

I have no idea of how this whole thing is going to turn out, but I will keep you all posted.

Thanks for your concern, fivesense. I've thought about what you said for a long time.

Love and hugs,

Michelle