how long would you wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
how long would you wait?
6
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 1:10pm
Sorry for the teaser. I posted a question and then thought better of it :)


Edited 8/14/2005 1:48 pm ET ET by fivesense
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 1:49pm

That's a toughie, you love the guy, but...

I guess in the end you have to decide if you want to be with the man, or if you want to be married- what's more important. You said that he would want to wait til his youngest was in college to get married, so that's indicating that he's THINKING about future marriage. 8 months is not *really* enough time to make that sort of decision, no matter how well you bond or how much you love him. There are other factors in this that you both will have to make work in order for a marriage to work as well, like the kids.

J and I have been together almost a year, and we are living together. We have discussed marriage, and he knows that I would like to be married, but at 25 he's not ready for it yet (I'm 28). Either way, I want to be with him, so if he isn't ready for another 5 years, I'm ok with that, because I'm with HIM! We have a wonderful relationship and he's wonderful with my son. Nicolas has already referred to him as "my stepdad", which he called him on his own, not either one of us saying it- and J was fine with that.

Just ensure that you are honest with him where you would like to see things going, ie marriage in the future. You have a say in the relationship too, so speak up and tell him how you feel. There's no rush to get married, and if you truly want to be with him forever, then it shouldn't matter WHEN you get married, as long as you DO get married, since that's what you want in order to feel that committment from him.

So focus on your relationship, not a timeline.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 1:57pm
I decided my question was really dumb and I decided to remove it. I guess you saw it just before I edited it out of existence. Things are great and I have a way of creating problems where there are none...especially at this time of the month when I have PMS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 2:35pm

Honey, I totally know where you're coming from, because that's where I was a few months ago, and it was a friend of mine that offered up that advice I passed on to you. I too have a problem with picking on the little things and inflating them, something that I am working on stopping, since most of my nitpicking involves my mother LOL!

I love my bf, and I want to be with him forever, and really I don't *need* to be married to him, as long as I'm with him, but I want to be married to him, and he knows that. His father remarried, but his mother has been with the same man for 15 years and they're happy not being married- and they are fully committed to each other. So, to him he could be fine either way, but he knows that I want the marriage, so he's willing to do that.

(((HUGS)))

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 4:00pm

Your question is never dumb, fivesense. I didn't get to see it - but do see Alison's remarks and as always, she gives very good advice, and I can sort of figure out what you were asking.

Am I allowed to ask how long before his youngest is out of college? Or do you just want to drop the whole thing. Whatever you want is okay with me.

If I may venture a guess or advice I will say that if you found a guy you really like and love, and you don't really want more children since you have had a child and have been married before, then as long as you are happy in the relationship there is no rush to get married. After 2 years you could make a better decision. I think slower is better especially with the venture of blended families.

And oh dear, I know what you mean about PMS - we all tend to be a little too sensitive and emotional then!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 5:33pm
3 to 5 years from now. It's not really important. I enjoy him better than anyone. He's very good to me. And, honestly, the thought of living with another adult scares the heck out of me. So, I don't know why I'm watching the clock. When my wedding day comes (i'm 99.999999% sure i'll take the plunge again some day), they might have to drag me kicking and screaming down the aisle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 9:36pm

It is great that he is thinking about it and I am betting that it will be sooner.

I have mixed thoughts about being married again. I know that if the guy is right and really loves me and my son then it would be good. But I do have it good single right now - so so so much freedom - it is a blessed era for just the two of us.

So maybe you should count your blessings and think only positive thoughts!! :-)

BUT keep us posted!

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