Dating Question: Financially Stable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Dating Question: Financially Stable?
35
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:11pm

Okay, it seems that lately I've been corresponding and meeting men who are either having financial difficulties and/or extreme cases??

I don't like to question men as if they are going on a job interview, but any suggestions on how I can find out where a person stands financially without blatantly asking him??

It's so unfair and I hate to sound shallow. It seems you have to wait just to find someone you are remotely interested in and then you do, and then find out they have no money to take you out on dates!

I'm an African-American, and I wonder if other races have this issue much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:17pm
Hi there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 9:33pm

It would be really nice if we could get a credit check printout when we meet someone new so we can get an idea of their financial situation. But unfortunetly, we can't. So we do have to keep our eyes open and ask subtle questions to get a sense of things.

If you see a flag, then ask. Sure, it might not be your business, but you have a right to know what you'd be getting yourself into, right? Especially if you're getting very serious with a guy- you should know where they stand and what kind of values they have about money.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 10:26pm
what a good question. i know that i wonder the same thing and have the same feelings about where they stand financially. i dated this guy who owned his own home, drove a very nice car and had all the luxuries of life. come to find out he was also several thousand dollars in debt, not because he didn't have a good job, but rather he spent more than he made. the car was leased, the house had a second mortgage and he was constantly transferring balances on credit cards to make ends meet. i think you have to figure it out while your getting to know someone. it isn't hard to calculate in your head how much money is going out and compare that to what someone in his typical occupation would make. sometimes it is easier than others, but i think it is wise be aware as you have worked hard to get where you are. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 2:05pm

"but i think it is wise be aware as you have worked hard to get where you are"- really good point peggy!

As a single parent, we have to rebuild our lives, and often times our credit when the relationship/ marriage dissolves. We work very hard to get ourselves to a place where we feel peace, not constantly worrying about bills and where the next meal is going to come from. The last thing you need is someone who will drain you if you became serious because they are way over their head and cannot manage their money.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 2:54pm
This whole discussion is rubbing me the wrong way. What does it matter how much cash the guy has on hand? Or anyone else for that matter? Why is it even any of your business early in the relationship? What should matter is their attitude about money, their values, and if they are in debt, how they got that way. Those are the things you should be discussing early in the relationship rather than asking for his bank balance and CBI score. I personally have crappy credit and got stuck with a ton of debt in my divorce because my XH was up to his eyeballs in debt, declared bankruptcy, and walked away, leaving me stuck because the laws of the state we lived in while we were married says that if one spouse declares bankruptcy, the creditors can hold the other responsible, even though I didn't incur any of those debts myself and he was ordered in our divorce to pay them. I wasn't even listed as an authorized user on a couple of his credit cards, but I am still getting collection notices on them. Does this mean I should never have a date and should not even consider having a serious relationship until I pay them all off and clear my credit? Does this mean he is more entitled to a serious relationship than I am, because technically, he isn't in debt anymore? I dated a guy who was cash strapped because he had just started a new business. We had a lot of dates where we cooked at his house and rented videos from Blockbuster. Those were just as great dates as if he had taken me to some fancy resturant and a show afterwards. I never would have considered not dating him because he didn't have a fortune to spend on me. But then again, I guess I'm not worthy of dating myself because I can't pass your credit check.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 3:17pm

Most things you can find out without asking out of bound questions. Does he live alone? Rent or own? What does he do for a living and how long has he been in that profession?

My resume is stable, so I looked for someone like me. Also, debt-free is how I live and I work that into the conversation early on. If the guy shares my debt-free philosophy and he goes to work like he's supposed to, then that's good enough for me. I really need someone to share my work ethic and outlook on life.

As far as your question goes, I think financial instability is rampant and it cuts across genders and races.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 3:29pm
No, I think most people would not dismiss the right person based on someone else dumping debt on them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 4:34pm

Redhead, I hear where you're coming from because I was there, too.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 6:06pm

Honey,

I agree with you that sometimes bad things happen- like an ex dumping you with debt and walking away. I, myself, had to pay over $5000 in debt my ex incured on my credit and walked away from. I struggled paying the minimum payments on my cards for a year working at a gas station and then moved back to my hometown and made the choice to return to school. Which then meant that I had NO money to pay anything except rent and my credit went down the drain, but I felt I had no choice in that matter. After 9 months at a community college, I graduated and got a well paying job and paid off all my debt (except the student loan) in a year. Two years later I'm still rebuilding my credit, a long and painful process.

So yes, we get in these situations that are a little out of our control, and shouldn't be punished by not getting dates or being with someone because of it. It's those who put themselves in the situations by not being responsible with their money, spending more than they make, that I have a problem with. It doesn't matter to me if a guy makes $5/hr or $500, it's how he deals with it that's important.

My bf made half of what I did when we started dating, and it was never a problem for me. (He just got a new job) We don't go on big fancy dates, we spend our money a little more wisely. But it was the fact that he got a paycheque and put the money on his bills and into savings FIRST that showed me he was responsible. When he decided to buy himself a digital camera, he put some money aside for a few paycheques and then paid for it cash.

My ex would get a paycheque and then go "gee, what can I buy, what do I want? what can I blow my money on?..." I would end up covering his half of the bills most times because he would spend his money as soon as he got it.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 12:19pm

redhead at the beach....

Appreciate your response and you are on point. Personally, I'm interested in someone with a compatible life style. I'm not rich (by no means) nor have A-1 credit, but I live comfortably.

I totally agree with you and the other posters but my past two encounters made me post the question.

Recently I had went on a date with a 44-year old man who was very nice but he shared with me at the time that he was living in an extended stay, although employed (had been there 3 months thus far) he was in the process of getting his driver's license (which was suspended for 2 years and a requirement for his current job -- needs $700) and child support/custody issues (2 children - youngest 3 years old); all of which he is dealing with. He ended the date wanting to take me out again for a free concert in the park and then bowling afterwards.

A week goes by and then I meet another 42-year old guy who works all the time and achieving his online degree so he can prepare for the LSAT (apparently wants to go to law school) but is having financial issues. He has 4 children (the youngest being six months), works as a security guard, works 45 mins. away from his job (complains about not having gas to get to work) and lives in an apartment in a low-income neighborhood and one of his children will be residing with him beginning September (16-year old daughter). His availability is Friday or Saturday after 1:00 am (when he is off from work).

My response to both of these men were "we are not on the same page". Both were offended (nor did they offer WHY they were in this predicament -- personally I was overwhelmed with what they shared thus far) and both men stated that I focused more on their circumstances rather than getting to know them as a person and then making my decision based upon that.

My girlfriend stated that she would have dated both of these men while they handled their issues. I was like, why would any of these men want to date at this time in their lives??

Am I missing something or throwing away potentially good men???

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