I don't know what I am doing anymore...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
I don't know what I am doing anymore...
4
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 10:12am

So my bf got his son yesterday and called me up because there was a house (what the two of us would call our dream house) for sale in my town and he thought it would be fun for us to go see it. I was game, I figured, What the hell, let's fantasize for awhile.
So we got to the house, and we checked it out - it was the dream house! We got back in the car and got lost - as we all know about getting lost - we got into an arguement. This arguement led to heated discussion and some nasty things were said. We got back to my house and I brought my dd into the house and he packed up his son and left. He called me minutes later to apologize and said "I thought it would have been a fun way to spend the afternoon, sorry maybe it was a bad idea." So I said no it wasnt' a bad idea, you were trying to be spontaneous - of course - it's hard to go house hunting - WAY out of our price range, just for the fun of it, with two toddlers in the car, and getting lost. I apologize for my behavior too.

We got off the phone and I was about to go to sleep, when the phone rang again. It was my mom - she asked what I did today and when I told her, she went nuts. "Why would you go look at houses, you aren't even engaged yet - you shouldn't be playing family....blah...blah...blah" I told her that it was just for the hell of it. I told her that a few weeks ago we both had mentioned this house when we drove in that area when we were on a date. My mother proceeded to tell me that I was a bad mother for allowing my bf to come over after my daughter was asleep. (I am still trying to figure out how she knows this - she must be driving by my house looking for his car) Then she proceeds to remind me that I have a lot to offer and I worked hard to get my head above water - financially - and that until his financial situation is horrible, and that I am setting myself up for failure - and that I should realize that I won't know how bad it is until after his divorce is final. Then here is her final statement - "I am not saying you should break up with him, I think he is a nice guy, but you are a good catch and you deserve someone who is your equal"

I get of the phone, and I am in tears - again. My mother always gets me so upset. First I am offended that she is 'spying on me'. Second I am pissed that she always says something really strong and then backs down a bit which I feel is done just to confuse me. I feel like she isn't sure herself if she wants me to find someone and be happy. Almost every non heated conversation with her starts with 'when you are settled' which really means 'when you are married' sometimes she goes as fat to say 'when you give my grandaughter a sibling'.

So I decided to be honest with myself. I sat down and wrote out a list of what I like about bf and what I don't. There are a lot of don'ts but mostly it is related to his pending divorce. Although some of it has to do with his tense relationship with his mother. Does he have character flaws? Yes. Can I live with them? I am not sure, but I would like to find out. I see potential with us. I see potential with him, but I am the type of person who sees potential in people. I saw potential in my exh and look where that led me. I saw potential in my exbf from college, and I got a broken heart there too. I realize there are no guarantees and all relationships are a risk. I guess I am trying to decide what risks to take. Would it be selfish of me to wait till his divorce is final and see if he is still standing before I decide to be with him? I mean, I feel very stongly about him, I care about him deeply, I could definetly say that I have fallen in love with him, but I know that love isn't enough to make a marriage work.

Sorry I am rambling here....like the title says...I just don't know what I am doing anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 11:39am

Well, we have all hashed out the "should I be with him" question before - you had good advice and you did a good job of writing down the pros and cons. You elected to stay - but go slower and not play house - and that is okay.

It is not like you put a down payment on that house - you had an outing to have fun - and then crashed and burned as you both admitted.

His situation is what it is - you cannot change it - it will take time for him to get divorced. I think you still need to concentrate on yourself and keep him to the side. Easier said than done but you have to do it. You know you are taking a risk with him. It is easy for us to say not to do it but you like him and I respect that.

Now the situation with your mother is a different story. You have to learn to keep your life private. What did you think she would say about that story? You either have to keep your stories to yourself or live your life to keep her happy. I would prefer the former. Our parents are only here for a short while, really. It is better to tell them only what they want to hear, I find this to be true as my parents get older. I want to enjoy my time with them - not get their approval.

I think you should just take a big chill - concentrate on work, your kids, your finances, your goals, cleaning your house, some projects. Keep a smile on your face!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 12:33pm

I totally agree with Judy (usually do LOL!)

You should talk to your bf about the seriousness of your relationship. Tell him that while you want to continue dating him, you want him to focus on his divorce and healing from that, while you continue working on yourself as a single mom. Take things slower with him, so that you two can be sure that you've talked about all aspects of things together and know that you're moving forward where you both want to be. He's under a lot of stress since he is divorcing and you need to give him the room to complete that chapter in his life. While I think it's ok to have the kids together once in a while, don't think of it as "family" yet.

And I agree that you should keep your mother out of your business. Put up boundaries for yourself, and for your mother. Stop telling her about your personal life, especially since she just uses it as ammo to make you feel bad. Call her on her comments, like the one of him coming over when your dd is in bed- "how would you know if he's over or not, are you driving by my house to see if his car is in the driveway?" If she asks what you did that day, tell her part of the truth, "dd and I went for a drive". If she asks about the guy, you just change the topic or say, "you know, since we don't agree on that situation, I'd rather not discuss it further with you." If she gives you a hard time about it, tell her you have to go. Stop giving her the power to make you feel miserable.

All in all, you should slow down and let things sort out the way they will. Stop running for the goal before you're shown how to play the game. I know that you want to be in a relationship, probably want to be married, have more kids, buy a house, etc. But don't rush things before you know that he's the one you want to do it with. He may just be the guy for right now, and in time you won't be able to handle the things on that list that you have in the negative column and will move on to find someone else. But if you're rushing because of some timeline or to prove to your mom that she's wrong, that's not the right way to go about it.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 3:51pm

BF and I have had a long talk. We realize that our relationship is under tremendous stress. The good thing is I am going away next week for a whole 5 days and won't be able to see him or talk to him, so he can use that time to get organized and not feel like he is ignoring me.

I have to learn to keep my mother out of my business. It is difficult to do. But at te same time you are right, I am giving her the power to make me miserable.

I love your line: "Stop running for the goal before you're shown how to play the game" Yes I want to be in a relationship want to be married want to have more kids, buy a house, etc. so does he. I am not on a timeline. But when the two of us are together we have a tendancy to try to plan ahead. I am not sure why.

Thanks for your advice Judy and Alison!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 10:00pm

Well, it's a good thing that you both want to make plans for those big steps and that you see those things happening with each other, but you have to remember to take all the little steps in between to get there. If you're both determined to make it work, then make it work and keep the communication open. Go to counseling together to talk about goals and expectations from each other if you have to. Let him have the space to finish with his marriage, but don't put your life on hold waiting.

As for your mother, write out a few practise lines to help you steer her in another direction when she's interfering or heading into a touchy subject. If need be, go and ring your own doorbell and tell her you'll have to call her back because someone just showed up. Do not give her ammo, do not let her persuade you into an arguement. If she point out asks you about something in your dating/ personal life, treat her like you would a stranger and say it's not open for discussion. She can baulk all she wants to, don't give in. If you have to, tell her straight out that her *well intended opinions* are upsetting you and you don't wish to further reek havoc on your relationship with her.

Have fun on your vacation.

Alison

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