Another Broken Heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Another Broken Heart
4
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 11:56am

I can't believe that only two weeks after I last posted how happy I was with Mark, it's now over. And it didn't end well. Talk about a train crash. Here's what happened.

Last Sunday I had a birthday party for my twins at my house. I invited Mark, but he said he couldn't make it. I called him after everyone had left. He said he couldn't talk long because he was driving his parents to the airport. But he did say that the day before one of his friend's mother died, and it was a shock, so he was dealing with that. He called me Monday at work and explained what happened with this death, but something didn't sound quite right with the story to me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and let it go. But as the days passed, something kept nagging at me, "this isn't right, something's going on". The next weekend (this past weekend) I didn't have the kids, and we always get together on those weekends. So, I e-mailed him and said I'd go out by him on Friday or Saturday. From Wednesday to Friday, I heard nothing from him. (Deju vu -- he did that the last time). Before I left my house Friday night to take my kids to their dad's, I left him a voice mail saying that I guess he doesn't want to see me because he never called me back and I get the feeling you're avoiding me. I drive my kids to their dads, and when I got back in my car, his number was on my cell phone. I was on my way to the expressway, so I pulled over in a parking lot and called him back. We live 1 1/2 away from each other; he's 30 minutes from my ex-h; so whenever I would go up by him I would drop the kids off and head out by him. When he answered, I asked him if he wanted me to come up there becuase I wasn't going to drive an hour home and come back later. He said with the wake and the funeral he had to go to, he was tired, but we could get together tomorrow. Fine. And that's where it should have ended. But noooo, it couldn't be that simple. Then he says to me, "We'll get together tomorrow and we need to talk (that's the kiss of death) and yes, I have been avoiding you". I asked him again if he wanted me to go by him so we could talk. He said it wasn't a good idea because Karen was there. Who the hell is Karen? (She's the friend whose mother died). He proceeds to tell me that Karen works at Abbott Labs with his sister and he met her about three or four months ago. Oh, then he said, why don't you come over, you'd like her, she's a lot like you. From there, it was pretty ugly. I started crying; I was hysterical. He said he wants both of us. I said he couldn't have both of us and he needed to decide what he wanted. He said he still wanted to be my friend because our friendship meant so much to him. But the best part is that he hasn't just been dating both of us, he's been sleeping with both of us. She knew about me, and the fact we were sleeping together, but I didn't know about. (I'd like to know what's wrong with her). And to make matters worse, he had the nerve to say that we were just friends. I said to him, "I think we have different definitions of friends. I don't sleep with my friends". He said, we didn't see each other that much, like once a month. I said it was twice a month, and it could have been every weekend if you wanted to spend time with my kids, which you didn't so that's you're choice and you're fault, not mine. I asked him 3 times if Karen had kids, and he never answered me, which did answer my question. He said that had nothing to do with it. He said there was too much distance between us, and Karen is right here. I said to him, so I lose because she lives closer to you and has no kids. That's BS! I told him I hated him, and he said that's ok, but you can only hate me for today. I still want to be friends. Either this guy is extremely arrogant or delusional or smoking some really good crack. How could he think I would be his friend. Sorry, I don't need friends like that. I couldn't take any more torture, so I said I had to go and I hung up.

I cried all the way home. I called my sister at 11:00 p.m. from my car and told her not to go to bed because I needed a beer. I stayed at her house until 2:00. When I got home I called my friend Jesse at 2:30 a.m., and I left a message on his voicemail. I know I was up for a couple of hours just crying my guts out. I woke up at 6:30 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. I called Mark at that time and left a message on his machine saying I know it would be easier to walk away, but I wanted a chance to talk to him. Well, the coward never called me all weekend. Figures. I was an absolute mess all Saturday. Jesse called me at 7:00 and said he was on his way over. I told him I didn't want to see anyone, but he came over anyway. He made me get out of bed. He made me take a shower. We went to Walmart and got my kids' school supplies. He had plans with his uncle for dinner, so he couldn't stay all night. I cried all day, even when I was with him, my eyes would just tear up. And when he left, I really lost it. I crawled back in bed and never left it. I had so many things to do this weekend, and I did nothing. I just couldn't. I was paralyzed with grief. Yesterday started pretty much the same, but I managed to force myself out of bed to go to church. I was crying when I walked into church and still crying when I walked out. But it was good. People prayed for me. I just got home from church and my babysitter and her husband stopped by. Her husband's mom goes to my church, and she told them that I was down, so they came to cheer me up. Then I went to the pool. Then I was home by 4:00 to be there when the kids were dropped off. No more tears. I don't think I have any left in me. Besides, I don't want my kids to see me like that. I took a big box, put anything that he left at my house in it, and I intend on mailing it to him, just like I did last time. During this whole time, I kept playing one of my favorite songs, "Only the Strong Survive", by REO Speedwagon to get me through putting his stuff away.

For the old timers, you know the history; for the new people on the board -- I dated him for six months last January, and he went back to his old girlfriend. I heard nothing from him until last December, a few days before Christmas, he called me and begged me to take him back. He said if I gave him another chance, he'd never hurt me. Eight months later, it's over. I suppose I could say I should have never taken him back. Actually, I don't regret doing that. I had a great time with him. We had a lot of fun, and he was a very good friend to me, helping me through illness and the loss of a job. And that's what makes it hard. I will miss him, very much. What's hard to take for me is 1) the cheating (there is no worse feeling in the world than being cheated on -- and I'm am expert on the subject -- this is the third time it's happened to me; and 2) he says we were only friends (that cuts like a knife). My sister and a girlfriend of mine said that they don't believe he meant that. He just said it because the other girl was right there. I guess I'll never know the truth. If I ever got a chance to talk to him, there are many things I would like to ask him, but like my sister said, he's a liar and a cheater, and how do you know he would be telling you the truth anyway. It's better off left alone. And I know she's right. I asked Mark what about all those things he said to me and he said "what things", and that's when I hung up. I talked to a lot of people this weekend, and they all asked me if maybe I took what he said the wrong way. He told me that I was special, that I was the best thing that happened to his life, that he wouldn't have been able to get past the last year without me, and that he didn't know what our future held, he wanted me in it. How can you take that the wrong way. And I'm a trusting person. How was I supposed to know that he was lying to me. That the hardest thing to take. He broke my trust. I gave him a second chance, and he broke my heart anyway. It would have been much easier to take if it were any other reason or issue, like distance or kids or whatever, but cheating is hard to take.

I may not be the greatest person in the world, but I know that I treated Mark very well. In fact, the last time he was at my house 2 weeks ago, he said he loved coming over to my house because he felt so free cuz I treated him so well. I know that's the truth. I wouldn't do anything different. Even my friends said I played this one right all the way through. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I don't care what he decides. I will never take him back again. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. And I certainly don't want to be his friend.

The hardest part for me, because of my depression, is to not beat myself up over this. Yes, I compared myself to the other woman many times this weekend. I think this is a class thing. I'm from the south side;he's from the north shore, and I assume she is also. I have a house that's worth $150,000; hers is probably 1/2 a million. He has his own house, drives a Lexus and makes 6 figures a year. He's parents are wealthy and for some reason even though they never met me, they didn't like me. So, I'm sure this woman makes more money than me, is closer, has no kids, hell, she may even be prettier than me or even better in bed. If that's what he wants, it's shallow as hell, but he can have it. I hope he's happy.

I am a very nice person, but I can be an evil b**** when pushed. I had to have my closure. So, this morning on the way to work, I left him a voicemail message at his work (there's no way for him to know who was calling before listenting to the message). I told him this was the last time he was going to hear from me because I was not going to be like his ex-fiance (who is still calling him after almost 2 years being broken up) and I refuse to chase after him. I asked him what he wanted me to do with the suit he left in my closet. Then I said that there is a lot of things I could say to him, but I won't because I'm going to take the upper road. I said, I have a feeling this is a class issue with him. I pretty much said what I wrote above about the other girl. Then I added that I may not have money or status, but I know that I treated him very well. And if it's money or status that he's after, go for it, although it's very shallow, and that I hope he's happy. And then I said "You're a stupid man, Mr. Burke" (that's a line we used to say to each other in an Irish brogue, from a movie we watched together). He had it good, and he's throwing it away. And although it killed me to say it, I said I wished him well, and then I hung up. No matter what he thinks, I have class -- a lot of class and dignity too. I had to say my peace, and now it's over. I no longer have the need to talk to him. I can move on now.

So, that's my story. I knew things weren't perfect, and I knew we had issues. I even knew he was probably someone I would never marry. But I never thought he would cheat on me -- And then think so little of it. I guess I'm just wierd. I've never dated two people at the same time. I just can't do it. I was asked out two weeks ago by someone, and I told him no, that I was seeing someone. I just can't do stuff like that, and I said no because I was happy with what I had. I know men and women are different, I just have a hard time understanding it all right now. I never slept with anyone I didn't love or care for deeply. I'm very shy, and I just can't do that kind of thing. Friends with benefits and one-night stands just aren't me. I really thought we hit a new level in our relationship. We would go out, come home around 1:00, bring home a pizza, and talk (yes, and I mean talk) til 5:00 a.m. We told each other things we never told anyone else before. But I guess that meant absolutely nothing to him. I really thought he was different. He treated me so well. I guess he's a good actor or a good liar, I'm not sure.

I don't know where I am going to go from here. I know I have major trust issues now, and it will be hard for me to trust anyone again. I also know that the hardest times for me to get through will be the times when I don't have my kids. For the last 8 months I had a standing date every other Friday night, and now I have nothing. It will be hard for me to cope with that. I know I have said in the past that I would not regret my decision to take him back, and if it ended in a train wreck, at least I enjoyed the ride. That's so much easier to say when you are saying it to someone else. I did enjoy the ride, but the wreck is painful.

Thank you all for listening. This is really hard for me to get over. But I know I will. I've been through it before. In the imfamous words of REO Speedwagon, "Only the Strong Survive".

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 12:13pm

Oh no Donna - I almost freaked when I saw your name with the title to this message.

I don't know what to say - your pain must be very deep. You will get over it and maybe in time you will see the purpose - and I know you will find the right one for you.

I hope everyone here will give you a hug and words of sympathy and wisdom. We are always here for you.

He truly does not deserve you - it was so bad the way he handled everything. The new girl has what she has - a cheater - and he will do the same thing again.

I think you should donate his suit to good will and avoid any contact with him at all cost.

You must move on now.

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 12:19pm

Oh Donna honey ((((((HUGS))))))

What a jerk he was to do that to you! He is obviously a weak man, he could've broken up with you 3 months ago when he wanted to take the chance with the other woman, but instead he decided to go ahead with things and give no regard to your feelings.

You're better off without that in your life.

I'm so sorry that things fell apart for you, I really am. I was really hoping that things would work out better than like before, and that if you did break up it would be more mutual and respectful. Talk about a train wreck!

I'm glad that you left him that final message and got your say. I'm sure that he feels horrible for what he's done, but just isn't man enough to have dealt with things the "right" way. Lean on those friends of yours, they seem really wonderful, and they will help you through it-again. Get yourself busy on those weekends when you drop of the kids, so that you have a plan of what you're doing when you get home and won't be sad that you have nothing. Have a friend drive down with you to help pass the time if needed.

But whatever you do, do not give him another chance if he comes crawling back after realizing what a wonderful person he's given up. He got two chances out of you and he messed those up both times, he does not deserve anymore of your heart.

I wish I could take away your ache, but I can only offer my support. Things will get better in time and you will move on. You have great friends here and we can help walk you through it.

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 9:56pm

I am so so so so so so sorry this happened to you.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 1:21am

Oh Donna, I am so sorry this happened to you. I remember from the "old" days when you were first dating Mark and I didn't know you had gotten back together with him, because I haven't been around the boards long.

What a creep. He's used you and I suggest that you write everything that your feeling down in a journal and hold it close by, incase he tries again. Men like this have a way with us, they know our weaknesses and they can penetrate tough shields when we are vulnerable. Read your thoughts outloud to yourself incase he ever comes back again.

If it were me I would check out a book from the library on voodoo...and take a piece of his suit and make a voodoo doll out of it! OR donate it. OR burn it. Any of the three are a good choice.

Stay strong and hug yourself. You have rid yourself of a poisonous man. He is someone else's problem now.

Major hugs!