Just Need Some Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Just Need Some Support
11
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 12:42pm

Yesterday Judy and Allison said that I could use this board as support for getting through a tough time. I need that right now.

I had a rough night. When I was in the car on the way home from the train, I got a call from Jeff, the guy I went to lunch with yesterday. We talked for a few minutes, and I told him I had a nice time at lunch, because I did. He asked me if I had any reservations about dating an Asian man as opposed to an American man (Jeff is Phillipino). I told him that I didn't want to date anyone right now. I said lunch is fine, but I can't do any more than that right now. I have to get past this break up before I start to date again. He said he understood. I think I made myself very clear, and I know now that when it comes to dating and relationships, everything has to be spelled out, loud and clear, so there are no misunderstandings.

Then when I got home, my babysitter and her husband stayed an extra half hour just to talk to me about what was going on (they came over on Sunday to cheer me up). It's really great to talk to them and they help a lot. As for a little background, they lived in my area all their life, but they lived in Florida for the past three years, and in the beginning of summer they came back. They are both reformed alcoholics. They spent three years at a Christian rehab center in Florida. When they finished their rehab, they stayed on there to work. I love talking to them because they are my age, and they have both been through a rough time in their life. I talked to them a little bit before I left this morning and I think they really get where I was coming from. I had a counseling session, but my other babysitter did not show up. The kids went to the park with my neighbors, and I went to my counseling place and told her that I didn't have a sitter and we would have to reschedule. I told her that Mark broke up with me and she figured I needed to talk, so she said she would call me at home later on that evening. When I got home, there were four messages from Mark on my answering machine. He kept getting cut off, so he kept calling back so that he could finish what he was saying. I had no intention of calling him back.

I was out in the yard grilling chicken, and my son came out to me with the phone. It was Mark. He started by saying that he wouldn't blame me if I hung up, but he wanted a chance to explain. I was shocked. I never thought he would call me. I know people would say I should have hung up, but I just had to hear what he had to say for himself. I needed to do that for me. After our conversation, my counselor called me, and it was great timing, because we talked about my conversation with Mark. I was feeling pretty good after that conversation. Then my sister called. She started yelling at me and she was so angry that she hung up on me. I called her back, we talked for a while, got no where and I decided to say good-bye. I just hate when I fight with my family. I just hate it. I love my sister, and we are very close, but she just doesn't get it. She's been married for 15 years to a guy she met when she was 19 and I can honestly say, she's had a rosy path her entire life. She doesn't know heartache like I do. She doesn't know what it's like to love someone and then lose them.

Anyway, I just need to spill some things out to the board because I am hurting right now, and I know that you will understand. You guys have been through what I am going through, and I know you have all loved and lost and you know how it feels. I needed to talk to Mark last night. I needed to hear that he was sorry, that he felt like he was a jerk. I'm not asking anyone to agree with me, just to try to understand where I am coming from, because I feel right now like I am going completely crazy.

I'm not going to type out the whole conversation. I let him talk, then I asked him some questions. Then I talked. I told him how I felt Friday and Saturday, how he hurt me. I needed him to know what he put me through. The bottom line of what he said was that he was a coward and a jerk and he knows he hurt me. He said he wants both of us. He wants to still talk to me and see me sometime. Or at the very least, could we be friends. My response was no. I said he could not have both of us. I said I needed to be with someone who wanted only me, period. I said I could not see him, because that would be too painful and so would talking to him. I asked him how he could do what he did, and he didn't have an answer except to say that he was insecure and a coward and a jerk. Then it was my turn to talk. I told him what an intimate relationship meant to me and how I never slept with anyone I didn't love or care about, but he already knew that. I told him why all this has hurt me so much. I poured out my guts because I felt he needed to hear it. How the conversation ended was that I could not take him back.

I said my peace, but I don't feel any better about it. I'm going to be real honest here. I love him very much. And it killed me to say that I wouldn't give him another chance, but I knew it was the right thing to do, but I don't feel good about it. It's a classic case of your heart and your heading telling you to do different things. I wish with all my heart that things could have been different, that I could turn the clock back and undo what he did and make things right again. I know this is going to sound stupid, and I know my sister does not believe in this kind of thing, but I believe Mark is my soulmate. I have a connection with him I have never had with anyone EVER, not even the man I was married to for 10 years. I can't explain what it is, there is just something about him that I can't let go of. That's why I took him back in the first place. All that time that passed between us, I never forgot him. That's why I said I couldn't see him because I know no matter how hard I tried, I would start out being an ice cube and end up a melted puddle. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is hard for me to get over him, to just shut the door and never think about him or us again. That will take time. My sister doesn't understand that. It wasn't all just fun, like my sister says. She doesn't know the things we shared together, and the connection I felt to him.

My babysitter believes in soulmates, she feels she has found hers in her husband, and this is her second husband. But she also said that there are some soulmates that never connect because other people get in the way. That's probably true in my case. All I can tell myself is that it must not be meant to be, and I can't change it. Her and her husband also felt that Mark still cares about me because if he didn't he would have just gone on with that other person and never called, never tried to explain or apologize. Her husband said it's hard for men to apologize. I think they are right. My sister thinks I'm a fool, and I may well me, but I refuse to believe that I meant absolutely nothing to Mark the past 1 1/2 years and I think he said we were just friends because that other person was there. They think he's mixed up and doesn't know what he wants, and my counselor agreed. They can understand because my babysitter's husband lost a 15-year relationship due to alcohol and drug abuse, and he knows what it's like to want to do the right thing, but you just can't.

I guess it's hard to understand how I can still love someone who hurt me. But I'm just being honest. What I have to do is talk to myself and remind myself of the hurt and the pain, and then I won't ever change my mind. When it comes to Mark, I don't know if I can be that strong. I've been through a lot in 8 years; but for some reason, Mark just seems to be my weakness. I need help staying strong. If anyone out there has any suggestions, please let me know. Or if anyone can relate to anything I said, let me know. I really think I'm crazy, but I just can't help the way I feel. I'm sorry I babbled on and on, I just am trying to come to grips with all of this and understand it, and it's very hard for me right now. I think this is going to be a long road for me. Thanks for taking the journey with me.

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 4:55pm

Hi Donna,

I read you post - and it sounds to me like you are doing all you can do at the moment. I am impressed that you have such good support - your counselor sounds wonderful and your babysitter and her husband are very good, too.

It is good that you talked to Mark - in that you want to do all you can to do the right thing and put it behind you in your mind. I would not like it if you were trying to talk him into going back with you. And I don't think you should have any more contact with him now. Be careful about that.

I know it is very hard to lose a relationship, especially when you feel so connected and it is out of the blue and out of your control. Not only do you have the issue of not being the one to make that decision but the surprise, the hurt, the loss. It is very very hard. My past 2 relationships were very painful when they ended. The first ended up going back to his exwife and the 2nd ended up going back to his exgirlfriend. So I do know your pain.

As far as your soulmate theory - I do understand your point about the deep connection. But I do feel you can have that with more than one person. Just as you can love more than one child.

Most importantly, you need to have this deep connection with someone who will not let you down. Someone strong who is that into you. It is hard for you to imagine having that with anyone else because you have not so far. But if you want this and you do not settle and you wait, you will find it.

At any rate, now is the time to heal. In time you will see the purpose of Mark in your life and you will not feel pain at his loss - you will understand why it wasn't meant to be - just as you do now with the man who left you for your sister.

Take each day one day at a time. Do not overwhelm yourself with any plans or events that do not suit you. Only be with positive people (if your sister or family upsets you right now it is best that you have little contact with them - I know my sister is totally the same as yours!!). Try your best to make yourself busy and get out. Treat yourself to something special - maybe it is a cup of tea and cookie - or maybe a pair of new shoes.

Each day will get a little easier. It is okay to cry. And to post your stories about your journey here.

You will get over this and be stronger. I really feel you did the right thing. For some reason Mark is not there for you - and you really need someone who will be there for you.

Maybe you needed this to get over him so you will find the right person - someone you connect with who is there. If you found that connection once you will find it again. Please don't lose faith!!!

Tomorrow has many surprises - as you have already seen by Jeff popping into your life.

I hope this helps. We are all here for you!! I hope the others will write comforting words, too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 6:43pm

hugs to you hun - remember me???

Your telling new guy you are not ready to date yet - PERFECT!!!

Your accepting the phone call and getting to hear he was sorry and he was a A--hole and that you dont want him in your life anymore - PRICELESS!!

You are one healthy strong woman!

As to what you LOVE and MISS - isnt the man its the DREAM of the man he had you CONVINCED he was - in fact it was all a facade.

Keep moving forward--- dont look back smile because KARMA kicked in here and one day you are going to wake up and say Im READY NOW -- I WANT to date. Sooner than you think !

No reason you HAVE to hurry and the only person who needs to validate your actions is yourself. So forget your sister...

HIGH FIVE and hug to you babe!!

MaryBeth

PS How are the twins?

Mine are starting football this year == quite the HOOT!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 11:59pm

Donna,

It's so good that you were able to make peace in a way. You got your final say, and you got to hear that apology from him- not a lot of people get that when the deal's over.

While it's great to say that, I know how hurt and upset you are. It will take time to feel normal again, because you're breaking up for the second time. And yes, I believe in soul mates and things, but sometimes we are just meant to meet someone to learn something about ourselves. In time you may be able to be friends with him, but for the time being stick to no contact so the wounds can heal.

You are a strong woman and you've made it through this before. You knew going into this round with him that it might not work out, and you had to have had something in the back ready for that, waiting in reserve. As you said, you enjoyed the ride, but you still have to re-orient yourself to your *land legs* when the ride stops.

And of course, you have the board here to vent with and work through those thoughts and feelings that are eating at you. I would shy away from involving your sister in conversation, since she sounds about as nosy as your mom and just as critical. We all make mistakes, and we have all had instances where those around us want to say, "I told you so", but out of respect they don't- but they give us 100 % support. Those are the people who you want to have help you through this, and anything hard in life. Not those who are quick to judge and criticize.

((((HUGS))))

Alison, always willing to give support

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 4:50pm

Judy:

What a wonderful response; you made me feel so much better. I printed it because I didn't have time to read it before I left to catch my train so I read it on the train. I had so much going on in my head last night that I couldn't sleep. I got up and re-read your response.

I really don't know what I would do without the support of this board. It makes your situation more tolerable when you know that someone else, like you, has gone through the same thing, survived and came out stronger in the end.

Unfortunately, my situation with my sister has deteriorated even futher -- another angry phone call and another hang up. She said she never wants to hear anything about my personal life ever again, good or bad. So, I guess I just can't lean on my family when things are bad. They won't be there for me. That's ok. I am making new friends every day, like my babysitter and her husband, and Jeff. He called me last night and it was good to talk to him because I had also had an ugly phone conversation with my exh last night and I had to hang up on him. So, Jeff let me vent, and I felt a lot better.

Thanks again for your support. It means a lot to me.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 6:26pm

Hi Donna,

I am glad that I helped you!!

I totally know what you mean about family. I think they are just too close and if they have not had the same experience they often just can't relate. I know I just stay away from them and seek help elsewhere. It has been harder on me after the divorce for sure. They just don't understand any of the issues of going through that or being a single mom.

I have a new saying - you can't be everything for everyone and you have to say no and not tell everything. It just works well with mine.

I would not dream of telling my parents or my sister about my dating life. It has changed so much since any of them dated and they just would not understand that dating and relationships later in life is not easy that is for sure.

Take care - I hope you sleep better!!!!

If you were here I would make you some tea and a hot apple pie.

I wish we could all live closer to each other!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 1:34pm

Alison:

I didn't have time to respond to you yesterday before I left, but I just wanted to thank you for your response as well. You and Judy have been a huge help to me during this ordeal. Just the fact that someone else out there knows my hurt makes me feel like I'm not going crazy.

I think you're right when you say maybe someday down the road we can be friends, but I think the less contact I have with him the better. I was shocked that he even called me, and I was confused after the call. Each day things get better, and I know I am a lot less emotional and a lot more clear about how I feel about things.

I'm glad someone out there thinks I'm strong; because sometimes I don't feel like I am. I know I can be pretty weak when it comes to him, so that's why staying away is good for me right now. And so is getting out of town this weekend and being with my kids. I will take everyone's advice and not talk to my sister about anything. That's just the way it's going to have to be.

Being able to talk things out here on the board is such a big help. Thanks again.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 1:53pm

Mary Beth:

Of course I remember you. You're the only other person on the board with twins. I remembered that the last time I was on the board, you had just moved into a new apartment, and you and Jerry were taking a break from each other, is that right? How's the new place? How are things with you and Jerry? I can't believe your boys are in football. Doesn't that scare you? It would scare me, but my son isn't exactly the most coordinated kid in the world. My twins are good. They started 3rd grade yesterday. Know what they are most excited about? They get to have lockers and eat lunch in the cafeteria (in 1st and 2nd grade, you have to eat in your classroom). Katie informed me that she heard that her teacher gives a lot of homework. Katie always gets the teacher that gives a lot of homework, I should be used to it by now.

Thanks for your response. It was great hearing from you. I kind of dropped off the board for a while when I was having job troubles. But, now I have a new job, and at least things are great in the work department. Now I just need to get my personal life straightened out.

You can't know how much it meant to me to hear you, Judy, Alison and other people I talked to say it was ok to talk to Mark and say what I needed to say. I guess my sister just looks at things a different way. Her issue is that it doesn't matter what he says because he's lying. I know I can never be 100% for sure, but I got the feeling he was telling me the truth when I talked to him. Like my babysitter said, Mark could have rode off into the sunset and never gave me a second thought. But that wasn't the case, and it's hard for anyone to swallow there pride and admit they were wrong. Although it doesn't really matter, hearing what he had to say made me feel better, in a way. It also very nice that everyone here thinks I'm so strong. I guess I better start believing it myself.

It really was good to hear from you. Let us know how you are, and have a great holiday weekend.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 3:05pm

Hey well glad you remembered me - I figured you would :) Cant forget your fellow mothers of multiples :) Anyway - as to Mark - hey it sounds like it helped get things out of your system and helped you move on a bit.
To your sister well - you learned not to vent to her in the future about men and relationships....doesnt mean you cant go to her about other things in life....just not men and relationships...

3rd grade for the twins :) isnt it amazing how fast time is - mine will start 4th grade on Tuesday...and its the same situation -- one kid always gets the fun teacher and the other the strict one...usually Jacob and we had open house last night and YEP yet again...Justin gets the fun one. Oh well...
Football I am not scared because my boys are the oldest and biggest on the team and the coach is such a kind man and looks out for all the boys like they are his own. He even is aware of my situation with my ex husband (hes worse than ever by the way-- just had another baby last friday #4 and still no child support) So he takes that special care with them-- he even offered to cover the uniforms for me but I highly refused. So nope not scared- very proud of them actually!
Wow Jerry and I--- well this is with a little hesitance because its hard to believe after all the hardships but we are doing AMAZING. Moved intogether in July. He asked us to. He is AMAZING with Jacob and Justin. Both of us have been in therapy since November last year and I think he is doing better than he ever has in his life... Next week we leave for Cozumel for our 2 year anniversary and to rewrite September 10th of last year with the unplanned pregnancy(???remember) We are PSYCHED to go and Ive been told I am to expect a proposal by the end of the year ...thinking it might happen on the trip - we shall see.
We communicate now, We have made a whole group of friends we go on motorcycle rides with and other things, even his kids and my kids have blended well. SO all in all good! Damn BUSY but good...

I do wish you well and again you are alot stronger than you think you are...

(hugssss)

MaryBeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 3:37pm

That is a great update - CONGRATS!!

Let us know how your trip and possible proposal go!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 11:11am

Dear Donna,


The others all had great responses, so I'll just add this: it will get better.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

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